struggling with wanting to go back to ED

jesusismyrock7

Hi I am sam I am really being tempted daily sometimes to go back to bulimia because it seems easier and I get stressed out and feel like a failure when I have bad days with food! I have been binge/purge free for over a year minus 1 mess up and I was bulimic for 17 years! does anyone have any suggestions on how to stay focused and any good reminders on why I would never wanna go back to being bulimic!

Thx Sam

PinkAndSparkle

are you in counseling? I always recommend discussing issues like this with a professional. We, in recovery, can give you our personal experience, but none of us can identify your triggers or coping strategies.

jesusismyrock7

God is my counselor haha! we he is! but I also have pastors and people I trust to talk to about it! ED therapists are super expensive and I can't really afford it!
THanks I appreciate your response

Recovering_for_cupcakes

In the end by allowing yourself back into those behaviours you are giving yourself more power than God. You are saying that you know better that he does about what is good and healthy for you. If God is your counselor then trust that he made you are you are.

CATHYGAYM

You need to remind yourself of your strength in over coming the B, you dealt with it for 17 years and have pretty much conquered it this past year. You don't want to go back there ever again. You have been able to put a stop the the adverse health effects that the constant B can cause, you need to feel proud of yourself!

Maybe writing your own personal mantra would be helpful to remind yourself of why you wanted to end the B, to remind yourself of your strength and your commitment to love and take care of yourself. You can post if somewhere and when you read it and or repeat it you are encouraging and strengthening yourself.

Although I don't know you I am quite sure that you also have the inner strength you need to deal with what ever new issues will come your way!

jesusismyrock7

Thanks guys that is very helpful from all of you!

HungerGame82

I have been binge/purge free for over a year minus 1 mess up

Thx Sam

I like how you just consider it a slight setback and then moved on that mentality is, in my opinion, a key part of overcoming the ed.

sinclare

I know. Sometimes it seems easier to go back to the old patterns when stress (ie, life) happens. All I can say is that in my experience, finding another "coping strategy" is what works. When you feel like binging, do something else. go see a friend. go for a walk. physically remove yourself from the food.

Or, another thing I have learned is that sometimes I do binge. I will try to eat something healthy though. Like I will steam vegetables and eat ALL of them....or popcorn. Then don't purge.

Just give yourself a break....it doesn't have to be all or nothing...

Andif you have that relationship with God, think what he gave us food for: to nourish ourselves and nourish our bodies....not to abuse ourselves.....

Good luck! and take it one day at a time.

cowlover22

Ok first of all I commend you on doing as well as you have, but have to look at why you want to go back. What it is all of a sudden that makes you feel that way? What are you trying to escape from? Because no matter if you start back with your ed or not it will still be there. Do you have anyother outlets for getting rid of stress..running, writing, talking with someone. Trust me on this one it is not worth it. I have had my ed for 25 plus years now and it is a living hell and is harder to give up the longer you have it. You have been able to make it this far you can do it!!!Dont listen to the ed voices. I wish I could say that. You should be proud of yourself for that.
I personally know it isnt good to run away from the problem. Maybe you need to deal with whatever it is After you have some things in place for when you get stressed.. YOU CAN DO THIS!!

HiKaren

Sometimes I think about it too... And I think...... I really don't want to feel like that, I don't want to beat myself up today like that... Its been 6 weeks, since last setback... 4 months inbetween the time before, and 11 months since the time before that... And I also remember, I never had real true weight loss from the purging. The true loss came from allowing myself to eat. Allowing myself to say "Its Okay to eat" "Eat something good for me today" "Log it" "And Then eat it" Keep in down... Allow it to make me stronger.... Allow it to be fuel in my body...... And by doing this, I won't set off the horrid chain reaction, of repeated doing it....

I want to feel better.... I hope you want the same thing... Come on..... The beating, makes us feel worse, not better. The goal is to feel better...

Have a good 4th Of July.... Lets all have good 4th.... Free of self punishment... Just a day to feel better.... Good vibes, good times... :flowerforyou: This is your 4th Of July Flower..... To symbolize a day of being free from our ED.

jesusismyrock7

THanks guys for all of your encouragement! It has been better lately! I would respond specifically to each one of you but can't figure out how to! Do I Have to hit quote or something! @hungergames! I have to think of it that way or I just say screw it and go deeper into it I have learned that the hard way for sure! I don't really binge so much but I have major stomach problems from the bulimia and I get sick a lot of times when I eat and have been doing a bunch of tests to find out what is wrong but don't know fully yet! I also have acid reflux like bad where food comes up too automatically with the acid, so that makes it hard to not just purge! I just have a ton of emotional issues and sometimes I struggle with dealing with everything that goes on in my family with Drugs and addictions it breaks my heart! Also lately have been really missing my Brother that passed away2 1/2 yrs ago from Morbid obesity! I found him and have yet to get that image out of my head and probably never will! I know I can overcome these things with God's help! My brother was my best friend and watching him die from a food addiction just made a part of me die inside! I have an immense fear that if I don't like just starve myself or b/p I am gonna balloon up and die like my brother! Logically I know this is not true although still possible I know I will never allow myself to get that big! It was heartbreaking watching him eat himself to death and watching all of the suffering he went through because of his food addiction! And we all know from personal experience how painful eating disorders can be! I Think just writing this right now is helping talk myself out of it! I should just start writing out my feelings haha! THanks guys and best luck to you all! And @HIKaren Congrats you are doing awesome and you will get there and be able to let go of it all the way!

jadedzen

I am post-recovery ED-NOS I guess, meaning that i've been in recovery for a few years but still struggle with wanting to go back to restricting heavily. My methood of getting there started from being admitted to hospital to doing day program at the hospital to years (literally) of therapy. Luckily i live in canada so much of it was paid for but i'm not religious.. however if that is helping you do it. know you are worth more than going back to the ed, and that each day is a new day to try to do better if we've had a failure. put health first. ED's (including food addiction) can kill and i'm sure both your brother and jesus want better for you than that. If writing in this thread is helping you maybe you should make a blog where you can release everything you hold inside, even if it's private. WIshing you good luck in fighting this.

jesusismyrock7

Thanks you are absolutely right! And I have no idea how to do a blog I am kinda dumb when it comes to that but I will look into it! I have been doing a little better with my ED thoughts! I have one of my besties in the hospital right now literally fighting for her life from an bulimia and anorexia and It sucks to watch how much it hurts the people around her and is good motivation to never do it agagin and to respect and love the people I have in my life and not cause them pain because of my actions and decisions! Thanks you all for your kind words and help!

Sam