He/she is acting differently when with friends...

flimflamfloz

From the "Meeting the friends/coworker" thread:
The only thing I hate is when a guy treats me differently around those friends than he does when we're alone.
Some guys become total *kitten* when they bring a girl around their friends...

Men/women:
- Did you experience this, and HOW did it manifest itself?
- More importantly, WHY do you think this happens?
- Do you find this behaviour acceptable?

I know I can act like that too, but I would like to hear people's opinions and what they think about this.

Carl01

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.

If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.
Carrying the bedroom into everyday life is awkward for everyone else so don`t do it.
Not saying don`t show affection though.

If it is a Jekyll and Hyde thing where he is sweet with you but an *kitten* around his friends then get out now.
Nothing good will result if you stay.

becfrogs

Looking back at my marriage and initial relationship I see now just how many red flags were there. My ex would treat me like gold when we were alone or with his family, but with our friends he wasn't the same. Friends tried to tell me but I was so taken by him and just wore thick blinders.

I truly feel that if either person can't act the same in private vs with friends then there is likely a concern there. I understand not being all hands on touchy feely when out in public but there's got to be a vibe that others can feel. I think it's important to talk to your friends and family and remember they've been with you many many years and won't lie about what the new person in your life is acting like/treating you like.

Everyone deserves to be respected and appreciated..............at all times!!!

I'll step off my soapbox now. lol

christine24t

The only thing I hate is when a guy treats me differently around those friends than he does when we're alone.
Some guys become total *kitten* when they bring a girl around their friends...

My friend started dating this guy who we all knew a little bit but not too well. She says he's really different in private, but he's quiet around us - but I don't blame him since it might be scary to plunge into a group of a few girls.

NCTravellingGirl

What came to mind was the other thread on dating someone you're embarassed about. I had a friend who shared the same thing once. She thought he really liked her, but she always felt like he was worried about what his buddies thought so he acted differently with them. It was entirely possible they were giving him crap about her or her size (in my mind) so I'm not sure what the issue was...so I would envision either THAT or the girl being the embarassing one literally. Just a guess...

Natx83

Im a little bit guilty of this..

But im a different person when Im with my boys to when Im by myself. We joke around, we act like boys do when they are well, "hanging with the boys". Im more likely to say something embarrassing, silly, more crude more out going... The guys I hang with, I've known since primary/early high school. We have our own group dynamic I guess, it would be hard for someone to dive into and I guess I would be different, but depends on the girl... Some can handle it and hang with the boys... others are just sensitive and to prissy... If dont like whats cooking... stay outta the kitchen :P

JanieJack

- Did you experience this, and HOW did it manifest itself?

Yes, an old friend I dated for a couple months after becoming single treated me like DIRT when I met up with him and his oldest, best friends for dinner. Even hit on another girl while I was standing there. I went in search of other guys til the girl he was flirting with left, and when we got back together that night I told him since he was obviously not interested how bout I set him up with my friend (and showed him my text to her stating as much). He said he WAS interested and never did it again.

I didn't know it at the time (only found out after we broke up, became friends, and began to swap dating stories) that this was a series of "tests" he used to try and find the "cool girl." As if you guys couldn't already tell, I'm not "the cool girl" and don't wanna be if it means putting up with that kind of stupidness.

flimflamfloz

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.
If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.

OK, so I'm glad a few people in this thread seem to think it can be acceptable for the behaviour not to be exactly the same as usual.

Everyone deserves to be respected and appreciated..............at all times!!!

So people don't want to be treated rudely (the examples where people were not understanding about it where mainly behaviours you wouldn't accept on private anyway).

Here is how I see things:
1 - A behaviour you wouldn't accept on your own from the person, you shouldn't accept from the partner when a group of friends is involved. This is normal.
2 - A behaviour you enjoy on your own with the person, you shouldn't demand from the partner when a group of friends is involved. This would be a bit unreasonable (albeit desirable).

Now if you get a complaint about option 2, and thinking about it further, the problem might be that the girl doesn't get along too well with your friends, and thus puts a lot of burden on you to keep her entertained throughout the evening, and whenever you go back and talk to your friends (attempting to split your time - because let's face it, you also came to see them), she starts having some resentment.

I've had girls saying that I ignore them during nights out with friends (and this happened a few times). I don't just leave the girl at the door, but instead introduce her to most people/friends at a night out.
Is it then unreasonable to expect the girl to "fly on her own" during the night and talk to some people here and there rather than sticking to you like your shadow everywhere you go?
(I think a quality I'm looking for in women is "social", someone who "goes along well" with people, and can reasonably entertain herself in social situations without my constant attention)

Meghan0116

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.
If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.

OK, so I'm glad a few people in this thread seem to think it can be acceptable for the behaviour not to be exactly the same as usual.

Everyone deserves to be respected and appreciated..............at all times!!!

So people don't want to be treated rudely (the examples where people were not understanding about it where mainly behaviours you wouldn't accept on private anyway).

Here is how I see things:
1 - A behaviour you wouldn't accept on your own from the person, you shouldn't accept from the partner when a group of friends is involved. This is normal.
2 - A behaviour you enjoy on your own with the person, you shouldn't demand from the partner when a group of friends is involved. This would be a bit unreasonable (albeit desirable).

Now if you get a complaint about option 2, and thinking about it further, the problem might be that the girl doesn't get along too well with your friends, and thus puts a lot of burden on you to keep her entertained throughout the evening, and whenever you go back and talk to your friends (attempting to split your time - because let's face it, you also came to see them), she starts having some resentment.

I've had girls saying that I ignore them during nights out with friends (and this happened a few times). I don't just leave the girl at the door, but instead introduce her to most people/friends at a night out.
Is it then unreasonable to expect the girl to "fly on her own" during the night and talk to some people here and there rather than sticking to you like your shadow everywhere you go?
(I think a quality I'm looking for in women is "social", someone who "goes along well" with people, and can reasonably entertain herself in social situations without my constant attention)

I have been told that I ignore the guy when I am around friends but I expect the same. I won't ditch him and essentially throw him to the wolves but I expect him to hold his own. A guy who can do this is always more attractive to me. On the other, double standard, side I have a difficult time doing that when I meet a guy's friends. I am an introvert and am pretty shy in the beginning but I will eventually ease up and start talking. But, pretty much I seem like a snobby douchette for the first 20 minutes or so.

I had an ex who treated me like dirt in front of his friends because he thought it made him look more manly or something. Eventually the friends told him that he was a huge *kitten* and to cut it out. There are multiple reasons he is my ex.

ItsCasey

The quote from the other thread was mine, and I wasn't talking about expecting a guy to be as lovey-dovey, touchy-feely in public as he is in private. I'm not big on major PDA anyway. What I meant was when a guy puts on a show of indifference for his friends about the girl he's dating, like it would break some kind of bro code to behave as though you actually want her around. The attitude is generally almost apologetic in nature, along the lines of "Sorry guys, I had to bring this chick along because she thinks we're dating. I don't even really know her." Sometmes it's "Okay, this is my girl, but I'll ignore her all night, and you'll see I still have the upperhand."

I think it just stems from guys thinking they have to act tough and macho in front of other guys so they don't seem whipped.

As for introducing a girl to your friends and then leaving her alone the rest of the night and expecting her to fend for herself among total strangers, yeah, I'd have a problem with that. If you're going to sit me in the corner with one of your chick friends and ignore me for the rest of the night, why even bring me at all? That's not what I call introducing someone to your friends. That's what I call going out with your buddies and letting your ball and chain tag along, provided she maintains a respectable distance all night.

I do agree that you have to make an effort; you can't sit there silently, waiting for someone to speak to you. But the guy needs to realize that he's known these people for years, maybe even decades, and his girlfriend has known them for 5 minutes, so maybe there is some responsibility on his part to make her feel welcome among the group.

Steelheart7

There are a couple things that jump into my mind here.. first is I would be a little creeped out if my man was all mushy and lovey dovey around his buddies.

Second .. if a guy takes me somewhere that I don't know anyone, he better stay by my side and not leave me there. At least until he makes me feel comfortable. I think that is just rude. If it is people we all know .. then that is something else.

AnnaPixie

The quote from the other thread was mine, and I wasn't talking about expecting a guy to be as lovey-dovey, touchy-feely in public as he is in private. I'm not big on major PDA anyway. What I meant was when a guy puts on a show of indifference for his friends about the girl he's dating, like it would break some kind of bro code to behave as though you actually want her around. The attitude is generally almost apologetic in nature, along the lines of "Sorry guys, I had to bring this chick along because she thinks we're dating. I don't even really know her." Sometmes it's "Okay, this is my girl, but I'll ignore her all night, and you'll see I still have the upperhand."

I think it just stems from guys thinking they have to act tough and macho in front of other guys so they don't seem whipped.

As for introducing a girl to your friends and then leaving her alone the rest of the night and expecting her to fend for herself among total strangers, yeah, I'd have a problem with that. If you're going to sit me in the corner with one of your chick friends and ignore me for the rest of the night, why even bring me at all? That's not what I call introducing someone to your friends. That's what I call going out with your buddies and letting your ball and chain tag along, provided she maintains a respectable distance all night.

I do agree that you have to make an effort; you can't sit there silently, waiting for someone to speak to you. But the guy needs to realize that he's known these people for years, maybe even decades, and his girlfriend has known them for 5 minutes, so maybe there is some responsibility on his part to make her feel welcome among the group.

I agree with most of this^^ I wouldnt take a new b/f out with my group of long standing friends and expect him to fend for himself all night. I wouldn't want him to be my 'shadow' either, but I would make sure he know's I'm there and that I'm with HIM! I would expect the same in return. At the very least until I got to know his friends a bit.

Assuming it is the same group of people, I guess I'd be closer the first time he met them, a bit more relaxed the second night, and so on until he's saying to me "hey Anna, shall we pop down Red Lion to see X,Y,Z" By then he feels 'inaugerated' into the group and comfortable in their company.

There is absolutely no point in taking your g/f out for a night and not talking to her all night!! Why bother taking her? Just have a night out with your mates on your own if that is your purpose!!

Being in a 'relationship' is all about sharing things. That would be sharing friends, conversations, nights out and nights in!

Repeat, I dont think you need to cling to each other all night, but sharing the night is why you have a g/f or b/f, isn't it?

Seriously, I wouldnt go out with you in a group ever if you left me on my own all night. With my LTR, even after 12 years, we would go to a gig and stand/dance together. Of course we separated to chat to other people in the group. But maybe we would go to the bar together. Tap each other on the *kitten* every now and again, odd smile and wink, odd sharing of gossip/laughter, and always go home together. We were both very indepenant people, but we shared nights out.

AnnaPixie

- Did you experience this, and HOW did it manifest itself?

Yes, an old friend I dated for a couple months after becoming single treated me like DIRT when I met up with him and his oldest, best friends for dinner. Even hit on another girl while I was standing there. I went in search of other guys til the girl he was flirting with left, and when we got back together that night I told him since he was obviously not interested how bout I set him up with my friend (and showed him my text to her stating as much). He said he WAS interested and never did it again.

I didn't know it at the time (only found out after we broke up, became friends, and began to swap dating stories) that this was a series of "tests" he used to try and find the "cool girl." As if you guys couldn't already tell, I'm not "the cool girl" and don't wanna be if it means putting up with that kind of stupidness.

What an idiot! I dont know ANY woman that would put up with that kind of BS!!

AnnaPixie

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.

If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.
Carrying the bedroom into everyday life is awkward for everyone else so don`t do it.
Not saying don`t show affection though.

If it is a Jekyll and Hyde thing where he is sweet with you but an *kitten* around his friends then get out now.
Nothing good will result if you stay.

what's the difference between lovey/touchy/feely and affection?? eh? eh? eh? :laugh:

I get that you dont need to shag in public, but hey, affection is touching, isnt it?

I have to say that I totally melt with a guy that can show me affection in public. That doesn't mean sticking his tongue down my throat or groping me or anything that 'obvious' :laugh: . Just an arm round my shoulder for a few seconds/minutes, touch of thigh, tap on *kitten*, whisper in ear..........= hot!!

jenbit

Ok I have noticed a couple of examples of this but its mostly the guy behaving differently around my friends...

Mr Nice guy (up until recently ) has been very shy with me but the minute I walk away he would start talking and hanging with everybody... Turns out he didn't want to scare me with his strong personality lol ...He is finally starting to open up with me and now we will see if there is anything there lol

When everyone first met FWB they thought he was an @$$ cause he has a tendancy to pull off that male bravado thing if he doesnt know people.. Once they got to know him they realized hes a funny smart sarcastic guy who actually fit really well into our group lol....

My ex-BF would ignore me at home but when we would go out he would get all territorial and not let me hang with anyone grrrr

Carl01

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.

If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.
Carrying the bedroom into everyday life is awkward for everyone else so don`t do it.
Not saying don`t show affection though.

If it is a Jekyll and Hyde thing where he is sweet with you but an *kitten* around his friends then get out now.
Nothing good will result if you stay.

what's the difference between lovey/touchy/feely and affection?? eh? eh? eh? :laugh:

I get that you dont need to shag in public, but hey, affection is touching, isnt it?

I have to say that I totally melt with a guy that can show me affection in public. That doesn't mean sticking his tongue down my throat or groping me or anything that 'obvious' :laugh: . Just an arm round my shoulder for a few seconds/minutes, touch of thigh, tap on *kitten*, whisper in ear..........= hot!!

You pretty much answered your own question I think.
It really isn`t definable as to what and how much but if you are at the point where someone could tell you to get a room then you have taken it too far.

AnnaPixie

Different atmospheres mean different behaviors.

If it is a case where he or she is not all lovey/touchy/feely around friends then that is to be expected and in fact appropriate.
Carrying the bedroom into everyday life is awkward for everyone else so don`t do it.
Not saying don`t show affection though.

If it is a Jekyll and Hyde thing where he is sweet with you but an *kitten* around his friends then get out now.
Nothing good will result if you stay.

what's the difference between lovey/touchy/feely and affection?? eh? eh? eh? :laugh:

I get that you dont need to shag in public, but hey, affection is touching, isnt it?

I have to say that I totally melt with a guy that can show me affection in public. That doesn't mean sticking his tongue down my throat or groping me or anything that 'obvious' :laugh: . Just an arm round my shoulder for a few seconds/minutes, touch of thigh, tap on *kitten*, whisper in ear..........= hot!!

You pretty much answered your own question I think.
It really isn`t definable as to what and how much but if you are at the point where someone could tell you to get a room then you have taken it too far.

Yep! Agreed :flowerforyou: