Mindset needed for relationships??

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

Met a girl she said she wasn't ready to do be in a serious relationship, and I said cool, how bout we just see what happens, over time we both took a liking to each other. We werere doing things that couples would do. Dating, having dinners, holding hands, kissing, and showing pda most of the time.

Few weeks later she told me she wanted to introduce me to her mom. Two weeks later she told me she felt confused, she said a part of her wanted to be with me, but another part insists she isn't in the right mindset to be in a relationship. I told her its okay, I don't need to be in a relationship to care for her, and that I would still be there for her until she felt ready.

A week later after that she told me she just wants to be friends and nothing else, but the day after she said that, she kissed me and gave me a long hug when I was about to leave her place.

My question to all yall is ultimately, DO YOU NEED TO BE IN A CERTAIN MINDSET or have to be certain that your ready for a relationship?

I think that they should just happen like you have to risk something to get something great.

I certainly don't feel comfortable being friends with her, cuz after all is said and done, I couldn't stand to see her do the same FWB thing with some other dude. Its just something that I don't feel comfortable with, like I don't know why. I feel like I have poured alot of myself into making her happy(not saying it to brag), but I did so many things that normal guys wouldn't do just to make her smile.

Ultimately I want to tell her that I cannot be friends with her and that I don't want her to be in my life no more if that's how things are going to be.

PS. She is very indecisive thats why i want to make this decision for her

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

Not saying PDA is a validity for being couples but you catch my drift, we were basically being couples.

FWB would be just doing it and nothing else...

oddyogi

Sounds like she needs to figure out what she wants. If you want, you could talk to her and ask her why she's not in the mindset to be in a relationship (with you). It sounds like she actually is scared, or she might be deciding between you and someone else. The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel. If you want to only work towards a meaningful relationship, not a friends or FWB situation, then say that. Reassure her you can take things slowly if that's what she needs, but don't let her use you for companionship and affection.

How long have y'all been seeing each other?

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

3 months now, she hasn't been seeing anyone else. She is just using her past relationship mishaps as a crutch I believe, because she told me how her past relationships were failure because of commitment and thats why she isn't ready.

I told her a while back that yes I care for her, and I would be there for her, and we can definitely take things very slowly.

She switched birth controls and was having alot of hormonal fits, which I told her that she can have her space if she wants and Id be there for her.

I certainly don't wanna be used as just a companion or just for affection.

I think that yes there are other dudes out there, but none of them have the kinda drive I have to care for her like I do. But i certainly will not stand being there when she is indecisive of everything because of her past relationships that she is using as an excuse.

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

Sounds like she needs to figure out what she wants. If you want, you could talk to her and ask her why she's not in the mindset to be in a relationship (with you). It sounds like she actually is scared, or she might be deciding between you and someone else. The only thing you can do is tell her how you feel. If you want to only work towards a meaningful relationship, not a friends or FWB situation, then say that. Reassure her you can take things slowly if that's what she needs, but don't let her use you for companionship and affection.

How long have y'all been seeing each other?

Asked her why she thinks she isn't ready, she said she doesn't know, and she doesn't know when she will be ready...she doesn't know what to look out for in herself that will assure her that she is ready.

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

basically I plan on just telling her that, i can't just be friends because I don't feel comfortable being there when she starts seeing another dude as a fwb/affection and companionship. its just not me, and Id rather not even know her anymore.

and that if she wants to start trying to slowly work towards something close to a relationship that it will all start from scratch like it did before when we met.

AllanMisner

Personally, I'd cool it way down and consider looking for someone else. The fact that you're actively telling her you'll wait is giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. I wouldn't get into a deep (possibly dark) conversation about it. Just pull back and see what she does/says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyhMgXmR3w4

Natx83

Personally, I'd cool it way down and consider looking for someone else. The fact that you're actively telling her you'll wait is giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. I wouldn't get into a deep (possibly dark) conversation about it. Just pull back and see what she does/says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyhMgXmR3w4

Word. You need to take the "power" back.

lacroyx

Personally, I'd cool it way down and consider looking for someone else. The fact that you're actively telling her you'll wait is giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. I wouldn't get into a deep (possibly dark) conversation about it. Just pull back and see what she does/says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyhMgXmR3w4

Word. You need to take the "power" back.

x2

Prahasaurus

Your approach is fine. Tell her you cannot just be friends, you want more. And she needs to decide. Give her a bit of time to think it through, don't make it an ultimatum where you expect an answer asap. But a week is enough time.

Yes, mindset is important. This is also why people end up in terrible relationships. They hit a certain age, think they need to be married and start having children, and hence settle for someone who is not right for them. Been there, done that...

Mindset can also be an excuse to avoid unpleasant realities. Some people, men and women, are terrible at telling their gf/bf that it's over, or that they want to be friends but nothing else, etc., etc. So they make up excuses.

Anyway, I like your thinking. Take control, tell her your position, give her time to think it through, and go from there.

Good luck.

--P

rml_16

I know the book was geared to women, but men could learn from it, too: She's just not that into you.

Sorry to have to say it, but if she was, she wouldn't be playing these games. She doesn't want to be alone, but she hasn't found someone better yet. She may not be seeing anyone else, but she's probably looking.

Carl01

You are her source of entertainment at this point.

Roadie2000

Yes I need to be in a certain mindset. I need to be really into that person. Judging from your post it sounds like you've been a little too nice and accommodating. Time to grow a backbone and walk away. It shouldn't be that confusing.

Steelheart7

Oh my .. she sounds like me!! lol. To some extent anyway. I don't know what she has been thru in past relationships .. but sometimes that hurt is just too much to even consider risking again. So .. yes, you do need to be in the right mindset. But! You also need to be willing to put up your heart.

I'm not sure if she is at that point yet. Sounds to me like she wants to be in a relationship, but then when it got close and she started to feel happy .. she freaked. AND .. you have the nice guy syndrom. Put those both together and you may be in trouble. When she said she wanted to be friends .. do you guys still do stuff together? Does she still have access to you when she feels like it? Perhaps you need to pull away and see how she reacts. If she has some time away and realizes how good she had it in you, she may rethink it.

JanieJack

PS. She is very indecisive thats why i want to make this decision for her

???

brewerchick

Personally, I'd cool it way down and consider looking for someone else. The fact that you're actively telling her you'll wait is giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. I wouldn't get into a deep (possibly dark) conversation about it. Just pull back and see what she does/says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyhMgXmR3w4

Yup this.

DMZ_1

Drop her completely. The mindset needed for relationships is that they need to be a priority. If she can't make you a priority, you have to find someone that will.

Steelheart7

PS. She is very indecisive thats why i want to make this decision for her

???

LOL .. I kinda paused at that one too ..

BlackStarlight

Oh wow talk about indecisive!
You really need to talk to her and find out exactly what it is she wants. Because to be honest at this point I don't think it's you and that's not fair to you. But from my point of view it sounds like she's just not that into you. And if she is, damn she has a funny way of showing it!
Talk to her and tell her how you want it to go if you honestly can't have her in your life if you're not dating. I think you're being very fair and it's time to make that decision for yourself. I hope all goes well.
Good luck xx

AnnaPixie

Sorry to say this OP, but the girl is a bit nuts!!

If I were you, I'd definitely be off!! If she wants friends, then let her go to her girlfriends. Kissing and cuddling with you is not indicative of the friend she covets! :huh:

You're right, you do need to make the decision for her. Let her and her hormones play with each other. Cos right now she's just playing with you!!

You sound like a nice, genuine, caring guy. I hope you find someone more appreciative of your love :flowerforyou:

Sorry to sound harsh, but women (and men) like this annoy me!! Either have a relationship and put your all into it, or not! But please stop wasting everybody's time because life is too short and precious for this wishy washy mind game rubbish! :grumble:

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

Thanks guys, I agree to a degree that I have the nice guy syndrome.

I will definitely be giving her the ultimatum, and a week to decide whether or not she wants it.

Even my friends, and her coworkers say that she has a really weird way of showing that she cares. They were surprised when I told them what she wanted cuz whenever we hung out with them she was all over me...according to them lol.

Thank you, and yep I firmly believe, you gotta give it your 110% and if the relationship doesn't work, then it don't work, but if your not willing to take the risk you will never know.

I know that I have alot ot offer to a woman, yet I still need to work on myself and not go into nice guy mode lol.

shammxo

You need to be in a HEALTHY mindset before you get into a relationship.

All of the back and forth is really unhealthy... And exhausting. Move on, you can do better!

hirensthenameliftinsthegame

You need to be in a HEALTHY mindset before you get into a relationship.

All of the back and forth is really unhealthy... And exhausting. Move on, you can do better!

^^^

thank you! exactly what I am saying right now. Its just not me, if I keep doing this, end up hurting myself only. Better to end it.

porcelain_doll

Tell her to *kitten* or get off the pot.

Being in a "mindset" means being ready to commit, and she is not ready.

EDIT: By the way, when you end it with her, that is most likely when she will decide she is ready to commit to you. So I would decide now what your response will be to her if that happens. Will you give her a chance or will your mind be made up?

The_Iron

Ummm dude... no homo or anything but quit the 'nice guy' routine, drop the flake, take your shirt off and stroll the beach. I bet by the end of the day you won't even remember that girls name. Life is too short to waste your time on someone that doesn't appreciate you and everything you have to offer.

AnnaPixie

Thank you, and yep I firmly believe, you gotta give it your 110% and if the relationship doesn't work, then it don't work, but if your not willing to take the risk you will never know.

I know that I have alot ot offer to a woman, yet I still need to work on myself and not go into nice guy mode lol.

Exxxxxxxxxxxxxactly!!! 100% in, or out. There is no middle ground when playing with someone's feelings :flowerforyou:

And dont listen to the rubbish about 'nice' guys either. Women want nice guys. Just not pushovers!! There is a big difference. And by the sounds of it, just by your attitude in this post, you're no pushover! Carry on the way you are and find a girl more in tune with herself, and you :flowerforyou:

pa_jorg

I will definitely be giving her the ultimatum, and a week to decide whether or not she wants it.

Personally I think the ultimatum route is a bit extreme for a few month relationship. Simply ignore her for a while and see what happens. If she's bold enough to get in touch with you then you can tell her you're tired of the wishy-washy attitude. But also remember that if she is this indecisive about everything in her life then it probably won't change and are you willing to deal with that as long as you see one another?

DMZ_1

Ultimatums usually don't lead to good outcomes. Just tell her it is over and find someone who wants to be with you for you. You're 23. Plenty of 18-21 year olds to go around. She had more than enough chances.

dbrightwell1270

Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?

mznisaelaine

You need to be in a HEALTHY mindset before you get into a relationship.

All of the back and forth is really unhealthy... And exhausting. Move on, you can do better!

^^^

thank you! exactly what I am saying right now. Its just not me, if I keep doing this, end up hurting myself only. Better to end it.

^^ I totally agree with this. I was in a similar situation as you OP (almost). They guy didn't know if he wanted to continue on with things and he dragged it on and I finally had him to tell me if he wanted to progress or not. So yes being in the mindset is the way to go.

NNAhuja

Personally, I'd cool it way down and consider looking for someone else. The fact that you're actively telling her you'll wait is giving her her cake and letting her eat it too. I wouldn't get into a deep (possibly dark) conversation about it. Just pull back and see what she does/says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyhMgXmR3w4

Word. You need to take the "power" back.

x2

x3