Why does he bring up his ex?

BelMckenzie

So, I have been dating a guy for 3 months and he brings up his ex sometimes and it really starting to bother me. We were hanging out on Sunday (I helped him clean his garage) and he told me he got a strange email from her asking if his accent was changing (he moved from CA to WI) and also that he had tealights in his bathtub from when she visited him in Feb 2011! I know they broke up last May 2011 and then were on and off until it ended Dec 2011.

Now last night we were supposed to get together and he texted me saying that he was talking to his boss and won't be able to get together. I asked him about it today and he said it was a long night and to add to that his ex blew up his phone with texts last night too, making it a strange night.

So do you think he still has something with his ex that he keeps bringing her up with me? I talk to my ex every once in a blue moon but don't bring it up with him but I have no feelings for my ex. Why would you talk about your ex to your new partner?

AnnaPixie

He's just being open and honest with you. I'd take it as a compliment.

Would you rather he got all these texts from her and he didnt say anything, only for you to pick up his phone one day.........:noway:

JanieJack

What Anna said... It's good that he's being honest with you, rather than hiding it... though it might be indiciative that he's not completely over her. I no loner let my ex tie up my night or blow up my phone. When he gets possessive or clingly like that, I politely remind him that's no longer my role in his life and I ignore the subsequent attempts to contact me for awhile (unless it's about our son).

But when I wasn't over him (and wasn't over the fact that our relationship crumbled) I'd let him tie up my time constantly.

Prahasaurus

I would think it's even more strange if he didn't mention her at all, i.e. your strategy regarding your ex... If you're part of his life now, both as a lover and a friend, he probably wants you to know what he's going through. But it's hard to tell the context from your post.

Here's a handy guide:

Acceptable reference - "My ex called 3 times last night asking about her new printer. I've told her she needs to learn how to do these things herself now. I don't think it's fair for her to rely on me, when I have my own life to lead." etc., etc.

Unacceptable reference - "My ex liked to wear dresses, and it really made her look good. Why don't you wear more dresses?"

--P

jenbit

Quite honestly its a fresh break-up and they still have alot of contact. The fact that he is telling you about it means he isn't trying to hide it...

BelMckenzie

I would think it's even more strange if he didn't mention her at all, i.e. your strategy regarding your ex... If you're part of his life now, both as a lover and a friend, he probably wants you to know what he's going through. But it's hard to tell the context from your post.

I guess I don't talk about my ex besides asking for his opinion on someone related to guy behavior (he is very blunt) or I found a childhood photo of his in my photos- does he want me to send it to him or his parents. Just stupid stuff but it was like 3 times in the last 2 months I have talked to him. I have told him about my ex and I bring up past things that I did with my ex- like the dog we shared.

I don't know what they talk about besides his accent, but I have no idea why she blew up his phone last night, but now I am curious- should I ask or does that come across as jealous? I am a very curious person.

BelMckenzie

So I asked why she blew up his phone with texts and he said that her son (he apparently was a big part of her son's life when they were together 3 years) went on a fishing trip and he came back really missing him. So her son wants to call him.

Ok, I have no kids or have ever dated a guy with kids so I am completely out of my element on this- but won't you want your kid to have a clean break from your ex too?

JanieJack

I have no kids or have ever dated a guy with kids so I am completely out of my element on this- but won't you want your kid to have a clean break from your ex too?

Depends on the situation that caused the relationship to fall apart. Since my son's father is not involved, if an ex boyfriend was still a great guy but we just weren't compatible, then yes. I have, in the past, encouraged him to be involved in my son's life (until I found another good male role model).

But usually an ex is an ex for reasons that would also cause me to not want them around my son.

BelMckenzie

Depends on the situation that caused the relationship to fall apart. Since my son's father is not involved, if an ex boyfriend was still a great guy but we just weren't compatible, then yes. I have, in the past, encouraged him to be involved in my son's life (until I found another good male role model).

Ok that makes sense because he said that the son's father was not very involved. Thank you for your input. I thought she was using it as an excuse to keep my guy in her life, but I don't have experience in the kid department.

Roadie2000

She very well could be using it as an excuse to talk to him, but he's given you no reason not to trust him so you really shouldn't be worried about it.

People will talk about their ex's once in a while, I do. They were a big part of my life and I'm not going to pretend like it didn't happen.

calvert6183

Its common sense, he isnt over her and she isnt over him. Ok I have to say this, why do people do this crap? This is why I think its stupid for people to start dating the next day or too soon after a serious relationship. People say always say get back out there immediately, its stupid advice so stop it. This is what happens when people date others when they are not ready, people like this woman gets hurt and put int he middle.

Prahasaurus

Based on the info you've provided, I see no reason to be concerned at all. And by all means, try to talk to your bf more about this (his ex, her son). If you're curious, ask him. I'm not really following your reluctance to talk about this with him.

--P

BelMckenzie

Based on the info you've provided, I see no reason to be concerned at all. And by all means, try to talk to your bf more about this (his ex, her son). If you're curious, ask him. I'm not really following your reluctance to talk about this with him.

--P

I guess I just learned about the son thing today through text, so I would prefer to talk about it in person. I just texted him that we need to talk about it in person more.

BelMckenzie

Its common sense, he isnt over her and she isnt over him. Ok I have to say this, why do people do this crap?

This is how I took it to be, but I wanted others opinions since I tend to over think things.

The_Iron

Hopefully during the face to face discussion he will be forthcoming and candid. If he seems to clam up and not give much explaination, then I would worry. Otherwise, watch him for clues such as being fidgity and not maintaining eye contact when he is speaking and listening to you.

DMZ_1

I guess I just learned about the son thing today through text, so I would prefer to talk about it in person. I just texted him that we need to talk about it in person more.

An in person talk is a productive use of time. This seems to be an important issue, and rightfully so.

BelMckenzie

We are talking about it tonight, he will be calling me when I get done with my second job (which is going to be hell since this is all I will be thinking about).

I did ask him if I should be worried about this and he replied that it is just stressful. I then asked him if he needed me to back away (I know I shouldn't have done that via text) but he replied for me to just relax and that he wants to call him later.

He also has poked me on FB since we texted so I don't know if this is bad or good. He typically pokes me on there all day- I did not even know about that feature until I met him.

I am preparing for the worse but hoping for the best.

Carl01

He is including you in his personal life,stop trying to find hidden meanings or worse yet something to dread,that is just stupid (sorry to be blunt but no other way to put it).

You can think yourself right into coming off as an insecure crazy though so keep that in mind and live out you day as you normally would.

VTXJOCKEY

kenzie,

"So do you think he still has something with his ex that he keeps bringing her up with me? I talk to my ex every once in a blue moon but don't bring it up with him but I have no feelings for my ex. Why would you talk about your ex to your new partner?"

I feel the exact same way you do about bringing up the ex. My thoughts are he is not over her. If I were you, I'd be suspicious. Just be wary of him trying to string you along.

Best of luck to you!

oddyogi

My bf brings up his ex casually in conversation, not necessarily to talk about her but to reference something having to do with him. I admit it bothers me a leeeeeettle bit, but I know it's just because they share their dogs they had together and they were together for 5 years. She was a big part of his life, even if they decided not to continue their life together. They mutually wanted the divorce, and they're still friends. She has a new boyfriend, and she knows about me and is happy for him and is apparently excited to meet me when her and her bf come through town on her way to her next duty station to visit the dogs.

It makes me just the tiniest bit uncomfortable, but I think it's because I'm not friends with any of my exes. It's also hard for me to not compare myself to exes. One of my insecurities I guess, but I keep it to myself.

*shrug*

calvert6183

We are talking about it tonight, he will be calling me when I get done with my second job (which is going to be hell since this is all I will be thinking about).

I did ask him if I should be worried about this and he replied that it is just stressful. I then asked him if he needed me to back away (I know I shouldn't have done that via text) but he replied for me to just relax and that he wants to call him later.

He also has poked me on FB since we texted so I don't know if this is bad or good. He typically pokes me on there all day- I did not even know about that feature until I met him.

I am preparing for the worse but hoping for the best.

Forget about the FB poking and texting, its silly, you need to focus one thing only, does he love you and only wants to play with your boobs only. Tonight, I hope you find out, dont listen to BS, get the truth/ Sorry this crap pisses me off, people thing texting and facebooking is so vital to relationships. it isnt. People can say anything via text or facebook and it means nothing. Get that guy to say things in person eye to eye. People today put so much importance on facebook and texts that they ignore the human true interaction. I wish you welll and hope you get the answer.
.

Prahasaurus

People can say anything via text or facebook and it means nothing. Get that guy to say things in person eye to eye. People today put so much importance on facebook and texts that they ignore the human true interaction.

With this I completely agree.

--P

lorro

So I asked why she blew up his phone with texts and he said that her son (he apparently was a big part of her son's life when they were together 3 years) went on a fishing trip and he came back really missing him. So her son wants to call him.

Ok, I have no kids or have ever dated a guy with kids so I am completely out of my element on this- but won't you want your kid to have a clean break from your ex too?

No. Children suffer from loss of loved ones from their lives. As long as the contact with an ex is not damaging, the child will fare better if some contact is retained. Good parents will try and meet their child's emotional needs, even if it means they don't always get what they want (eg a clean break).

RunningDirty

Now last night we were supposed to get together and he texted me saying that he was talking to his boss and won't be able to get together. I asked him about it today and he said it was a long night and to add to that his ex blew up his phone with texts last night too, making it a strange night.

This is not okay.

flimflamfloz

Nothing wrong with that... As long as he can identify why the relationship has failed.
You can be friends with ex if it was a clean split (I had some clean splits).

Also kids seems like a decent reason to keep in touch.

AllanMisner

This is exactly why I don't go looking for serious relationships until I'm confident I've gotten over my last ex. If I can go a month without evening thinking about them, then I'm ready to move on. I know kids make it more difficult, but the principle is the same.

ETA: It appears he hasn't set rules for communications with his ex. If they're going to stay in contact, they have to have rules on where, when, how and how often. That way he can free up himself to be with you.

BelMckenzie

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....

AnnaPixie

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....

Again, I think the guy is just being honest with you. He's said he doesnt want to get back with her, but I know that him saying he has feelings for her is going to make you feel lost. It just depends on what those feelings are (hmmm) I wouldnt just break it off for the hell of it, especially when he says he can see a future for you two. But I would give him some space to sort his head out and try and distance myself emotionally for a bit.

Remember, we all have ex's for a reason. I still have feelings for my ex's and I haven't seen one of them in 20 years!! Just because you have feelings, doesnt men you want to be with someone :flowerforyou: Of course it could mean that you do too!! Who broke off the relationship?

flimflamfloz

Again, I think the guy is just being honest with you. He's said he doesnt want to get back with her, but I know that him saying he has feelings for her is going to make you feel lost. It just depends on what those feelings are (hmmm) I wouldnt just break it off for the hell of it, especially when he says he can see a future for you two. But I would give him some space to sort his head out and try and distance myself emotionally for a bit.

Exactly. I still have feelings for my ex... of hate.

If he still have feelings for her (of love) after she dumped him, and he is forcing himself not to go back with her (because he is a proud man - he'll show her!), then that's bad.
If he still have feelings for her (of respect) after they split, and he doesn't want to go back with her (because they've tried, and it didn't work out in the end - he's learnt his lesson), then that's good.

lorro

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....

I think you have some talking to do at the weekend and that will clarify things for you. Personally, as a minimum I'd back off for a while and let him know you need more in terms of being with someone who is emotionally available to you, even if they are not yet ready to make a commitment. I agree with Allan, contact with an ex may be necessary for the sake of the kids, but usually this is fairly minimal and limited in nature. If it's about other stuff (eg how she feels about how her kid is feeling, rather than a request for him to see the child) then not only are there feelings, but he is continuing to provide her with emotional support. This won't help him to move on from the relationship, regardless of whether he intends to return to it or not.

Carl01

Let's just say the conversation did not go well for me. He said his ex just started contacting him again after he started developing feelings for me but he still has feelings for her since they were together so long even though he has no plans on getting back with her.

We then talked about us, he sees us having a future but he is not ready to make us more after 10 weeks of dating, I am ready for more and have been ready for more for awhile. My head tells me I need to break this off andy heart is not into leaving just yet. We have our first whole weekend planned to go up north for my friends wedding which I already rearranged my plans and lodging to accommodate him so I don't feel like figuring that out again but I am very upset with what happened that I don't think I want him there. But this weekend is probably it for us....

Come on now,does it have to be all or nothing?
Really,think about it...you have moved in your mind clearly at a fast and maybe unreasonable pace while he had not so you are ready to give up?
If a guy was writing this but his issue was sex would you feel the same,that he should quit ?