What thaaa?
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
So there's this guy that was pursuing rather heavily on Match... but I had several conferences so I wasn't gonna be able to meet him for a week (our date would have been yesterday). He sent me this Match.com message a couple days ago:
How are you supposed to respond to that?? I figured this was his way of saying he lost interest, so I wrote back "Um, ok" and haven't heard from him since. I was actually kinda relieved (he wasn't one of my favorites anyway) but do you guys think I interpreted that right?
I'm feeling a bit intimidated, I don't measure up
How are you supposed to respond to that?? I figured this was his way of saying he lost interest, so I wrote back "Um, ok" and haven't heard from him since. I was actually kinda relieved (he wasn't one of my favorites anyway) but do you guys think I interpreted that right?
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Yes, definitely you interpreted it right. Besides, if a guy is just intimidated because you have professional conferences, who knows what else he'll be intimated by, you know?0
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I don't know how to interpret that. It's kind of weird.
Had you had much communication with him prior? Is he one of those guys that doesn't have the degrees that you have? What does he do for a living? Maybe he has low confidence?
If I wasn't all that interested anyway, though, I'd just leave it alone. He either lost interest or has low self confidence and has some issues in which maybe he's not ready to date... or at least date someone like you.
Who knows.
I give up trying to figure men out. I just enjoy them for what they are when I can. lol
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I figure I feel rather intimidated means he is intimidated. The macho guy would never tell you he felt intimidated no matter what happened.0
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No, No, No. He was just trying to be comical and let you know that he's fond of you. It's his way of flirting, albeit a poor attempt.0
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No, No, No. He was just trying to be comical and let you know that he's fond of you. It's his way of flirting, albeit a poor attempt.
If that was me, I would say "I feel a little intimidated! lol" That says it better than what he wrote.0 -
Had you had much communication with him prior?
That's the thing- he's been sending me tons of emails for about a month now, even though I kinda shot him down the first week. And we were supposed to meet yesterday. That message came after I answered his question about my church. He had if I'd read some spiritual books, told me about a new study he was doing, and what kind of church I attended. I told him I hadn't read the titles he suggested and that I was helping to start a new church but fellow-shipping with another until the new church gets up and running.
As spiritual as he made himself sound, I didn't think that would scare him off.
Definitely his loss! Since I didn't go out with him, I did impromptu movie night with two of my coolest chicas. Plus, the guy I went out with tonight texted me that he hadn't had that wonderful a time in years, and the guy I went out with Friday posted on fb about his great night.0 -
I wouldn't have taken it that way. I probably would have thought it was sweet if a guy told me he was intimidated.0
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I wouldn't have taken it that way. I probably would have thought it was sweet if a guy told me he was intimidated.
I guess I hear it so much (and don't really understand why- I like to think I'm normal) it just irritates me.0 -
No, No, No. He was just trying to be comical and let you know that he's fond of you. It's his way of flirting, albeit a poor attempt.
Hm, so why do you think he didn't respond when I wrote back, "Um, ok?"
If I was trying to be funny, and the other person appeared to take it seriously, then I would have at least responded with something like "sorry, that was a joke. Apparently a bad joke. Good thing I didn't quit my day job, lol."0 -
Definitely his loss! Since I didn't go out with him, I did impromptu movie night with two of my coolest chicas. Plus, the guy I went out with tonight texted me that he hadn't had that wonderful a time in years, and the guy I went out with Friday posted on fb about his great night.
Awesome! Glad you had a good weekend.
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I agree, it would had turned me off!!0
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I'd agree with you for your default average normal person but because of the following:
I'm wondering if you don't come too strongly - in what case the fact that you intimidate would be actually true (or you could be too annoying, mind you - if everyone loses interest! :laugh: ).I guess I hear it so much (and don't really understand why- I like to think I'm normal) it just irritates me.
One thing to remember is that people will fill the blanks (the things they don't know about you) with the things they want in their ideal partner (thus the disappointment in the end, when people meet for real).
So your demonstrations of value (look at me, I do this, I do that!) + those blanks being filled = wow, I don't measure up!
(On a side, and related note, I've always been irritated at how people are trying to paint a perfect description of themselves on these dating websites. It just annoys me that everyone is perfect and when you meet them you realise they are all broken anyway...)
Now, you're saying you've tried to meet after one week if I understand properly (I was going to suggest meeting ASAP otherwise, to prevent this from happening - DO NOT let people build up to much their expectations). This is really the only reason why I meet early, so that I can manage people's expectations.
My max would be 2 weeks. I'd keep in touch of course if I can't do that within 2 weeks, but I would push hard to meet before then - plus some people will be flattered, they will think you're keen (ahahah stupid people! We just know better than them).
Now some answers to what the guy said:
- Gentle bashing humour: "Do you say this to your male friends too? ;-)"
- Humour: "Yeah, that's what Vince Diesel said to me too."0 -
He wanted an out! You gave it to him. I think your tone probably already indicated that you weren't that interested?
The guy is a wuss! :huh:0 -
He wanted an out! You gave it to him. I think your tone probably already indicated that you weren't that interested?
The guy is a wuss! :huh:
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I wouldn't react that way at all. I'd have reassured him that what I was looking for in a man was more than material/work achievements. People feel intimidated by others all the time, it's what they do about it that counts. If someone really believed they didn't measure up, they'd be unlikely to say it. Feelings are a different matter, they come and they go depending on the context. I'd be pleased at his honesty and willingness to admit to his feelings. If he was very in need of reassurance all the time then that would be a problem. Anyway - he was right, in making his admission he found out he didn't measure up to your standards so it's best he found this out sooner rather than later. I agree it's better to meet sooner rather than later when you are communicating with someone, then you may prevent problems like this from occuring.0
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I wouldn't react that way at all. I'd have reassured him that what I was looking for in a man was more than material/work achievements.
I hadn't considered that he actually felt that way. I thought he was just making an excuse that would eventually lead to cancelling our date.
See, when I read/hear stuff like this and "I'm intimidated" I feel like the other person is saying my standards are too high, and I feel like it's almost a judgment against my character rather than a statement of good.in making his admission he found out he didn't measure up to your standards
The funny thing is, for a first date, my only requirement is that the guy actually ask me out. The 3 guys so far that I've actually WANTED to date more than that were all guys that if I had gone by looks and profile alone that I would have immediately written off. I try to write only the minimum required and meet quickly since I just don’t think most people present their true selves very well online.0 -
Hm, have to think about that. I talk alot and tell a lot of stories. That can be annoying to the wrong people.I'm wondering if you don't come too strongly - in what case the fact that you intimidate would be actually true (or you could be too annoying, mind you - if everyone loses interest! :laugh: ).
Definately found this to be true! This is why I usually try to meet ASAP because people are either disapointed when they discover you're just as normal as the last person they dated, or they present themselves electronically one way but are a totally different person online.One thing to remember is that people will fill the blanks (the things they don't know about you) with the things they want in their ideal partner (thus the disappointment in the end, when people meet for real).
In this case, we'd been emailing for about 3 weeks because I had a lot of travel (and I didn't tell him but when I was home I had other dates lined up- first come first served). Usually I push to meet ASAP becasue I dont' want to waste time emailing/texting if it's not gonna go anywhere.Now some answers to what the guy said:
- Gentle bashing humour: "Do you say this to your male friends too? ;-)"
- Humour: "Yeah, that's what Vince Diesel said to me too."
haha love it! Vin Diesel is one of my faves lol!0 -
No, No, No. He was just trying to be comical and let you know that he's fond of you. It's his way of flirting, albeit a poor attempt.
Hm, so why do you think he didn't respond when I wrote back, "Um, ok?"
If I was trying to be funny, and the other person appeared to take it seriously, then I would have at least responded with something like "sorry, that was a joke. Apparently a bad joke. Good thing I didn't quit my day job, lol."
From a man's point of view: I believe he was searching for a hint to your level of interest.
By responding in such a short manner, he received his signal from you loud and clear. That's the problem with text/email messages...you can't hear the tone or see the facial expressions. Therefore, messages can be perceived incorrectly.
His message, as off the beaten path as that may have been, was replied with OH, OK. Yeah, I wouldn't have responded back to you after that. That's a clear and simple message to: "Stay away from me you freak!"0 -
Well you said he's been pursuing you rather heavily, but he wasn't one of your favorites. So he's likely getting a vibe that you are not really interested so it's making him slightly insecure.
I have to admit, when I meet someone who is in incredible shape, really attractive, makes more money than me, volunteers regularly, speaks 5 languages, etc. (or does all of the things I aspire to do) I can feel a little intimidated and feel like I don't measure up even though I know I have a lot going for me.
He probably just thinks you're unattainable or uninterested. In the future, if you think you are intimidating anyone, just talk about something stupid that you've done instead of all your accomplishments and it will make you seem more human and maybe put them at ease a little.0 -
In the future, if you think you are intimidating anyone, just talk about something stupid that you've done instead of all your accomplishments and it will make you seem more human and maybe put them at ease a little.
I do (and talk about) dumb stuff all the time, lol, especially on this forum... but I'll keep this in mind.0 -
By responding in such a short manner, he received his signal from you loud and clear.
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His message, as off the beaten path as that may have been, was replied with OH, OK. Yeah, I wouldn't have responded back to you after that. That's a clear and simple message to: "Stay away from me you freak!"
Wow. Well, I didn't want to send THAT message. He was eclectic, so I was interested in meeting him.
Though, honestly, he struck me as searching for the mythical "the cool girl" who will put up with all kinds of stupid treatment, look hot all the time (but let the man think it's natural), and needs no attention outside of times when the guy feels like giving some. So it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway.0 -
In that case, I think it was best anyway. This could mean that now is not the right time for you two to meet and/or be together. Doesn't mean it won't happen in the future, just not now.
I wish you well and I'm sure you're doing just fine.0 -
He wanted an out! You gave it to him. I think your tone probably already indicated that you weren't that interested?
The guy is a wuss! :huh:
Is it bad that I think most guys are looking for an out? And I no longer have qualms about giving them one if I sense that they are losing interest but don't want to hurt my feelings. I almost feel like I'm being polite ;-)0 -
He wanted an out! You gave it to him. I think your tone probably already indicated that you weren't that interested?
The guy is a wuss! :huh:
Is it bad that I think most guys are looking for an out? And I no longer have qualms about giving them one if I sense that they are losing interest but don't want to hurt my feelings. I almost feel like I'm being polite ;-)
Exactly how I was when I became jaded with online dating Sounds like you've lost your enthusiasm too? :flowerforyou: 0 -
Exactly how I was when I became jaded with online dating Sounds like you've lost your enthusiasm too? :flowerforyou:
Oh no, not at all! I'm having a blast!
If I had known I would have had this much fun, I wouldn't have wastedn 2011 pining away for two guy friends only to discover they’d never be interested.
It's just that I have a lot work/child/date commitments so I just don't have a lot of TIME to date guys that are only trying to be polite. Better for both of us to just move on. I do take it as a compliment, though, that guys are treating me better than the first time I tried online dating a couple years ago.0 -
Exactly how I was when I became jaded with online dating Sounds like you've lost your enthusiasm too? :flowerforyou:
Oh no, not at all! I'm having a blast!
If I had known I would have had this much fun, I wouldn't have wastedn 2011 pining away for two guy friends only to discover they’d never be interested.
It's just that I have a lot work/child/date commitments so I just don't have a lot of TIME to date guys that are only trying to be polite. Better for both of us to just move on. I do take it as a compliment, though, that guys are treating me better than the first time I tried online dating a couple years ago.
Ah, fair enough. I'm glad you're still finding it fun :flowerforyou: I found I was letting them out easily cos I knew deep down they were not what I was looking for, but the best of a bad bunch! Sad but true :huh:0
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