My story and the living nightmare of depersonalization.

daybehavior

hi guys. i suffer anxiety and depression. ive always considered myself a happy and cheerful person. pretty much no stress or traumatic events. one day i awoke with this feeling of dread and hopelessness....only God knows what about and why. i felt nauseous and light headed and disconnected from the world. my house felt foreign and so did my friends and family. i knew something fundamental had changed in my brain chemistry. my mind lost the ability to associate emotions to people and concepts. so far ive had four panic attacks one while driving. it scares the hell out of me because theres no root cause for these feelings of anxiety or depression...like maybe i have cancer or some other horrible disease.

since then everyday has been like a nightmare i just cant wake up from no matter how hard i try. my dreams are more vivid and memorable than my life. i suffer everyday and the thought of sleep brings me no solace because i know tomorrow the nightmare will simply restart. somedays i feel like crying but no tears come out...ive never been the type to cry so it doesnt surprise me. i try my best to act normal and do the things i used to love but my emotions are stunted. i cant emotionally connect to people and things like i used to and its devastating and heartbreaking. when i see/think about things from my past like photos movies games etc it depresses me further because they remind me of when i used to be happy.

Some days are better than others but im tired of trying put up a front and pretend ill be ok. i think about dying a lot to the extent of where ive gone through all five stages grief. sometimes i felt like died some time in the past and didnt realize it. i know i wont commit suicide because i dont wanna put my family through that trauma. I havent told my family yet about any of my issues because i dont want to be a burden and stress them out esp my dad who has high blood pressure.

I havent sought treatment yet because of some life circumstances but hope that one day i will be my old self. I wouldnt wish depersonalization on my worst enemy and i sincerely hope none of you ever have to go through this suffering. Every night i pray to God to help keep me strong. hopefully one day my prayers will be answered for myself and anyone else going though this. thanks for reading.

Sky_Of_Aegis

My friend, seek help before you become like me...

-Panic Disorder
-Agoraphobia
-Thanatophobia
-Depression
-Hypochondriac

I may also be mildly OCD. If you are an indulger of caffeine, it wouldn't be unlikely that you developed such symptoms. Even just a cup or two a day will increase your chances for developing anxiety disorders by 40% "Panic disorder being the main one." Look, if you need someone to talk to, I will be more than happy to tell you all I know. Feel free to PM me. I am the creator of this group btw, so anything you need, just let me know, and I will do all I can to make it happen.

daybehavior

Thanks man I really appreciate the support. You're totally right about caffeine--now that I think about it at least two of my panic attacks occurred after I drank a large (convenience store) cup of coffee earlier in the day. Im definitely done. Anyway, finally sought help the Dr put me on clonazepam today so we'll see how that goes. I think part of it is me growing up in an Asian family. It was kinda like we were discouraged from expressing emotions of any kind. We just keep a lot bottled up. As a kid I dont ever recall my parents showing affectionate emotions or gestures towards one another even after 20 years of marriage. And I always thought it was strange considering when I was at a caucasian friends house I routinely saw their parents holding hands or snuggling against each other on the couch. But...I digress.

I read in your other post about how lively and spontaneous you were before all this crap and it just kills me knowing other people have to suffer like I do. I'd give up my arms and legs to be the normal again..for all of us to be. Nothing compares to mental torment. It's just so...unspeakable. It just seems so unfair...like wtf did I ever do to deserve this? But...wallowing in self-pity is counterproductive and ultimately pointless.

Im glad at least you have a wife and children who can light up your life. With depersonalization/realization nothing can ever truly fill the void. In any case its great that there are support groups like this (thank you!)...so I can relate to others and be inspired by their determination and willpower to live their life in spite of this horror.

Dethea

Wow, I truly cannot imagine living with that. I'm really happy you went to the doctor; try to remember that it might take awhile to get all the details sorted out (different medications and whatnot) but you are on your way.

I really identified when you said that your brain chemicals seemed to just change one day. That's pretty much how it happened to me; I was in the hospital for 9 days, and just wasn't the same afterwards.

Do you have any pets? I have a cat who is very loving and cuddly, and he has really done a lot to help me out. I know it won't solve your problems, but I'm a big believer in therapy pets.

Good luck, and I'm glad you found the group

daybehavior

wow im so sorry to hear that dethea i know how crushing it is to feel that youre no longer yourself and i hate that anyone has to suffer like this.

i dont have a pet but my sister does and youre right...it does cheer me up! i think the meds are somewhat helping but like u said gotta take it one day at a time and see what works for me. thanks for the support