The first time someone disappears from online dating...
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People found dates offline through most of human history. It works!
People didn't have cars or airplanes for most of human history either. They managed to get across town to work or circumnavigate the globe too. I guess we should completely discount the convenience of these technologies and go back to horses and boats. Long live the Luddites!!!0 -
People found dates offline through most of human history. It works!
People didn't have cars or airplanes for most of human history either. They managed to get across town to work or circumnavigate the globe too. I guess we should completely discount the convenience of these technologies and go back to horses and boats. Long live the Luddites!!!
I dont think DM is a Luddite. He's tried dating sites and has come across the same BS that I have. Jaded would be a better word! I am too! Not that I'm speaking for him :laugh:
I agree that offline dating is far more productive. You tend to bump into more people on your wavelength when you meet them doing something in common - badminton, gym, pub, park, work etc. But I know you've had some success lately online, so your experience is good so far. Good luck to ya! :flowerforyou:0 -
Shall we run down the last 6 guys approached me in person since Dec 2010 (yes, I journal about this kind of stuff)?
#6 (went out in Dec 2010) had addiction issues
#5-4 were both older than my dad
#3 Met at a gas station while on my way out of town; this man actually CALLED me every night for 2 months! I was so flattered. Til it was time to come home and I discovered he was married.
#2 I met at Sam's club, nice guy but way too much baggage to be "in a relationship"
#1 (the most recent) I met at Chuck-E-Cheese, planned a day trip with me, canx that morning to go to the movies with someone else and tried to say I never got back with him, when I had a FULL page of texts where we planned and confirmed this trip
Contrast that with the guys I've met since going online in April: 17 guys (I can post the rundown, though you've already heard bits and pieces about most of them), and I'd say a good 10 of them (so far) seem like nice guys and a couple I'm trying to set up with friends.
Wowzer!! I'm totally impressed by your numbers!! :noway: :laugh: Dating seems like a hobby for you? :bigsmile:0 -
Wowzer!! I'm totally impressed by your numbers!! :noway: :laugh: Dating seems like a hobby for you? :bigsmile:
Don't be impressed (I know that was sarcasm, and yes, right now dating is more of a hobby for me... hence the "why are you doing this" thread). It's a display of what is my #1 guy-hated traits: over analysis. I seriously write down stuff about every guy I've dated. And when something strikes me as odd (for example, he breaks a date with me and then appears to be lying about it. I'll typically let it go at that moment, but loop back around later and usually catch him. And catch him off guard. Sometimes I'm wrong, lol.
The problem is, you would think I wouldn't get "played" but unfortunately, when I'm really into someone, especially if I've known them for awhile, I get caught up in them moment and forget to go back and read their entries. Those two friends I mentioned in another thread, when I went back through my journal, after almost every time I wrote about them it was something like "He did XYZ (ex: inviting me out on Sat and paying my way) that makes me think he likes me, but ABC (ex: saying he went on a date Fri) suggest he doesn't... and you know what Victor's dad says (a friend's dad who runs a dating advice website) a guy who runs hot and cold is really cold." Wish I would make time to read those journals more often!!!0 -
Hate to have gotten all analytical about it, but I'm a scientist and we go by the numbers. I'll grant that some of my opinions based on anecdotal evidence sometimes get disproved or are shown to be in the minority (and that's one thing I like about this group is learning other people's opinions I would never have considered). But numbers don't lie. If I met a lot of men in my day to day affairs, then I wouldn't have gone online. Glad "offline" is working for you, but don't discourage those who might be in my same situation.0
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Contrast that with the guys I've met since going online in April: 17 guys (I can post the rundown, though you've already heard bits and pieces about most of them), and I'd say a good 10 of them (so far) seem like nice guys and a couple I'm trying to set up with friends.
Going out with 17 people and not having found a sustainable relationship in that lot seems like a waste of time from my perspective. You’ve either been too choosy, your pre-screening is not where it should be or something else is askew. Granted, these are common issues for both men and women (particularly men with pre-screening).
I understand that you just learned that you are about to move, and that makes it difficult to put together a relationship now.I agree that offline dating is far more productive. You tend to bump into more people on your wavelength when you meet them doing something in common - badminton, gym, pub, park, work etc. But I know you've had some success lately online, so your experience is good so far. Good luck to ya! :flowerforyou:
Yes Anna, you got it! When you meet in person, you really get a great sense of who the person is more so than trading emails. There is no substitute for the vocal cues and visuals. And where you meet matters too, though I would put higher value on a woman I met in the grocery store (and yes, I will approach and attempt to flirt in a grocery store) than anything online. And there are better in person meeting places than the grocery store.0 -
DM,the thing is that you are coming across as a broken record with a lecturing tone while adding no substance.
It is like you have an obsession with discouraging online dating and just have to stand there pissing in someones Cheerios.
The fact is that it is real,it is not going anywhere and it is some peoples avenue to meeting folks when life and circumstances make that difficult.
You can hate it or think it is all wrong,that is your privilege but to endlessly make snippy comments just gets annoying and seems somewhat childish.
No offense dude,just saying what I see and think am not the only one.
Let others live life and try things as they see fit.0 -
Happened to me this week in fact. But NC traveling girl I didn't know about POF so thanks for that I have a few other cuties I am chatting with off there. Best site of all them. I paid for match and got nothing. But yes the hottie I never expected to repsond to me and who did and talked to me on the phone. Nothing since yesterday where he texted to say he was having some issues and would try explain tomorrow which would be today. So I am talking to another cutie. I hate it but it's just life.0
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Wowzer!! I'm totally impressed by your numbers!! :noway: :laugh: Dating seems like a hobby for you? :bigsmile:
Don't be impressed (I know that was sarcasm, and yes, right now dating is more of a hobby for me... hence the "why are you doing this" thread). It's a display of what is my #1 guy-hated traits: over analysis. I seriously write down stuff about every guy I've dated. And when something strikes me as odd (for example, he breaks a date with me and then appears to be lying about it. I'll typically let it go at that moment, but loop back around later and usually catch him. And catch him off guard. Sometimes I'm wrong, lol.
The problem is, you would think I wouldn't get "played" but unfortunately, when I'm really into someone, especially if I've known them for awhile, I get caught up in them moment and forget to go back and read their entries. Those two friends I mentioned in another thread, when I went back through my journal, after almost every time I wrote about them it was something like "He did XYZ (ex: inviting me out on Sat and paying my way) that makes me think he likes me, but ABC (ex: saying he went on a date Fri) suggest he doesn't... and you know what Victor's dad says (a friend's dad who runs a dating advice website) a guy who runs hot and cold is really cold." Wish I would make time to read those journals more often!!!
I wasn't being sarky at all!! That is a lot of guys to meet in a year or two(?). I honestly wouldnt have the energy....lol
Plus I get disheartened with the whole dating thing after meeting 3 or 4 guys and crawl back into my shoe box if I dont hit it off with someone.....lol. I understand that most things in life is a numbers game - I design and sell kitchens, so thats the same: volume to produce conversion, to produce income - but with a life partner I usually come to the conclusion that my timing is off (for various reasons), rather than I need to meet more men to achieve a result.
I agree we've all got something to learn from each other. Exactly the reason I frequent these boards too. And as we've already established, America and UK are culturally different. (I think we're probably nearer to Northern America than Southern?) It's not common to date casually, or 'hang out' in the UK - you meet someone you like, you fall into a relationship pretty quick (we dont have the 'exclusivity' talk.stage) - so its kinda different in terms of social acceptance, but yeah, I can see why you write things down. I wouldnt remember all their names!! :laugh:0 -
DM,the thing is that you are coming across as a broken record with a lecturing tone while adding no substance.
It is like you have an obsession with discouraging online dating and just have to stand there pissing in someones Cheerios.
:laugh: :laugh: this made me laugh out loud Carl. Haven't heard the 'broken record' phrase for many years. It's MP3s now yer know!!! :laugh:
And leave DM alone, he's only voicing his opinion. There might be people on the thread that have not heard it before :laugh:
:bigsmile:0 -
Going out with 17 people and not having found a sustainable relationship in that lot seems like a waste of time from my perspective. You’ve either been too choosy, your pre-screening is not where it should be or something else is askew.
Why is someone askew if they are different? All the going out I've been doing has helped accomplish several of my goals: get my groove back (feel desirable and confident again), practice relaxing and being myself in a way that isn't too intense (still working on it) and learning about men (if there's no chemistry, I give the guys time to tell "their side" of the dating stories). Also, when I actually like guys and see them more than once, it brings up insecurities and issues left from my marriage that I didn't even realize was still there. I look at it as getting the cobwebs worked out. Am I open to discovering long term love? Sure. That's just not my goal right now.
I had an impromptu date tonight, and he said I've come a long way in just the couple months since he's seen me in being able to relax, go with the flow, and just be myself.
So you may feel like I've wasted my time, and someone who is looking for an LTR might feel that way, but I feel this experience has been valuable.0 -
I don't think that going out with 17 people is a lot, although I guess it depends on how long we're talking. 3 months, maybe. A year, probably not. That's for a woman. There is no way that as I guy I'd get to go on 17 first dates in a year.
I'm following a dating blog that you might find interesting, http://desperatesarah.blogspot.co.nz/ she's been on "100+" dates (she's 31) and she's currently in a relationship. I get the feeling that she's a "tyre kicker" to some extent.0 -
DM & Janie, You both just have different end goals at this point in time regarding how often you date. It makes sense and in this situation I can see both sides. Still, a great learning experience for all of us to note that not everyone on the singles scene has the same perspective. It's something I take with me when talking to local guys, knowing their opinions are most likely as varied as those of my peeps here!Going out with 17 people and not having found a sustainable relationship in that lot seems like a waste of time from my perspective. You’ve either been too choosy, your pre-screening is not where it should be or something else is askew.
Why is someone askew if they are different? All the going out I've been doing has helped accomplish several of my goals: get my groove back (feel desirable and confident again), practice relaxing and being myself in a way that isn't too intense (still working on it) and learning about men (if there's no chemistry, I give the guys time to tell "their side" of the dating stories). Also, when I actually like guys and see them more than once, it brings up insecurities and issues left from my marriage that I didn't even realize was still there. I look at it as getting the cobwebs worked out. Am I open to discovering long term love? Sure. That's just not my goal right now.
I had an impromptu date tonight, and he said I've come a long way in just the couple months since he's seen me in being able to relax, go with the flow, and just be myself.
So you may feel like I've wasted my time, and someone who is looking for an LTR might feel that way, but I feel this experience has been valuable.
Anna, Yes, as someone who has lived in the northeastern part of the US most of my life - and studied in London for a while - I believe this is true too. Probably why I agree with you so often...that and because I can tell you are one wise chicky :flowerforyou:And as we've already established, America and UK are culturally different. (I think we're probably nearer to Northern America than Southern?)0 -
DM,the thing is that you are coming across as a broken record with a lecturing tone while adding no substance.
It is like you have an obsession with discouraging online dating and just have to stand there pissing in someones Cheerios.
:laugh: :laugh: this made me laugh out loud Carl. Haven't heard the 'broken record' phrase for many years. It's MP3s now yer know!!! :laugh:
And leave DM alone, he's only voicing his opinion. There might be people on the thread that have not heard it before :laugh:
:bigsmile:
Really was not picking,just there comes a point where one appears to be beating a dead horse.
Certainly everyone is free to voicing an opinion,God knows I do but after about the 15th time saying "Focus on meeting people in every day life,you will find someone" and nothing more it just sounds like an empty platitude with no agenda other then to infer people are stupid for trying online dating sites.
As I said once before many of us are not in a lifes situation where we come naturally in contact with potential singles plus the geographical peculiarities (here even in upstate NY,if you approached a stranger in the grocery store and flirted with them it would cause extreme discomfort to a lady) of socialization.
What it seems,although I may be wrong,is that DM comes from a place where a simple walk to a bar or other outlet can put one in the company of several to dozens of people and he assumes that is the same for everyone.
It is not,hell even online here doesn`t have anything to offer short of an hours drive.
My problem,what I was born into and hopefully relatively soon can escape from but that is not a matter of simply getting in my truck and driving away as housing and employment are needed.
In short to over and over again make it sound as if it is easy and everyone is just doing it wrong becomes annoying.0 -
Geography seems to be coming up in relation to other things that are common experiences for singles. It's not simple. Depending on the context, it does and does not matter.
From my experience, I don't think that small towns and suburbs are conducive to singles and what a single person needs to successfully find someone for a long term relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you are college aged and attend a college with many other singles in a small town college and there are other exceptions as well), but if you're done with education and going about your life, small towns and the suburbs make it more difficult to be in a position to find someone. Small towns and suburbs are geared more towards established family structures.
Men pick, women choose. So if a man is having issues in finding what he wants, he's not picking the right women to approach given what he wants. Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants and needs to clarify that. I am speaking in the most general terms I can. As for women, it does come down to make the choice as to who the best man is going to be based upon what she wants. Also, the inherent characteristics of a woman influence the choice. A 22 year old woman with no kids and an amazing body is going to be able to have a wider range of choices than a 40 year old with two kids, baggage from an ex husband and needing to lose 25 lbs.
Someone disappears from online dating (or dating as a whole) because they've found someone else more aligned with them than you are. It happens to all of us. But it is a chance to evaluate where things stand and refine your own personal processes in relation to your goals.
Happy dating!0 -
Geography seems to be coming up in relation to other things that are common experiences for singles. It's not simple. Depending on the context, it does and does not matter.
From my experience, I don't think that small towns and suburbs are conducive to singles and what a single person needs to successfully find someone for a long term relationship. There are exceptions (for example, if you are college aged and attend a college with many other singles in a small town college and there are other exceptions as well), but if you're done with education and going about your life, small towns and the suburbs make it more difficult to be in a position to find someone. Small towns and suburbs are geared more towards established family structures.
Men pick, women choose. So if a man is having issues in finding what he wants, he's not picking the right women to approach given what he wants. Or maybe he doesn't know what he wants and needs to clarify that. I am speaking in the most general terms I can. As for women, it does come down to make the choice as to who the best man is going to be based upon what she wants. Also, the inherent characteristics of a woman influence the choice. A 22 year old woman with no kids and an amazing body is going to be able to have a wider range of choices than a 40 year old with two kids, baggage from an ex husband and needing to lose 25 lbs.
Someone disappears from online dating (or dating as a whole) because they've found someone else more aligned with them than you are. It happens to all of us. But it is a chance to evaluate where things stand and refine your own personal processes in relation to your goals.
Happy dating!
I am going to borrow this as a basis for another thread on an issue I have seen around here and am curious if others have too.0 -
Glad you saw value in it Carl. :bigsmile:0
This discussion has been closed.