Abandonment / Rejection Issues

newmein2013

I was wondering if anyone else has abandonment and/or rejection issues and if so, how do you deal with them? It stems from my childhood and I've developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms that I'd like to change. To prevent myself from getting hurt, I've built a wall around myself and let very few in. Also, when I sense there may be a problem with any of my relationships (be it platonic or romantic), I'm quick to end the relationship just so the otther person doesn't get to it first. I simply write them off as if they never existed and I don't look back. This was my way of controlling the situation. I'm finding this isn't working so well anymore. I've recently been told that I've hurt people by doing this. And it's not really protecting me anymore either. As I am changing and starting to allow more people into my world, I'm finding that I don't want to let go because I care about them and I do want them in my life. Honestly, this scares me. This forces me to face the unknown. I think I have a serious issue with both abandonment and rejection.

Carl01

To start with you are not alone,the majority of ladies posting here over time have such a horror of rejection that they would rather live unhappily alone then put themselves at risk of it.
However they expect men to without so much as a blink of an eye.
This has created interesting at times discussions.

However what you are describing goes well beyond that to the point of sabotaging even basic friendships so am kind of afraid that what you need goes beyond the scope of conversation here.
Given things you allude to from childhood I really would suggest you seek out real life professional counseling as it would seem there are issues too deep for you to be comfortable discussing here. :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

To start with you are not alone,the majority of ladies posting here over time have such a horror of rejection that they would rather live unhappily alone then put themselves at risk of it.
However they expect men to without so much as a blink of an eye.
This has created interesting at times discussions.

However what you are describing goes well beyond that to the point of sabotaging even basic friendships so am kind of afraid that what you need goes beyond the scope of conversation here.
Given things you allude to from childhood I really would suggest you seek out real life professional counseling as it would seem there are issues too deep for you to be comfortable discussing here. :flowerforyou:

this^^^ Sorry OP, but after reading your post, I don't feel 'qualified' to help. Although it does sound like have accepted you have issues, which is the first step to cure :bigsmile: Grab the opportunity now to get some qualified help :flowerforyou:

newmein2013

To start with you are not alone,the majority of ladies posting here over time have such a horror of rejection that they would rather live unhappily alone then put themselves at risk of it.
However they expect men to without so much as a blink of an eye.
This has created interesting at times discussions.

However what you are describing goes well beyond that to the point of sabotaging even basic friendships so am kind of afraid that what you need goes beyond the scope of conversation here.
Given things you allude to from childhood I really would suggest you seek out real life professional counseling as it would seem there are issues too deep for you to be comfortable discussing here. :flowerforyou:

this^^^ Sorry OP, but after reading your post, I don't feel 'qualified' to help. Although it does sound like have accepted you have issues, which is the first step to cure :bigsmile: Grab the opportunity now to get some qualified help :flowerforyou:

Thanks Anna aand Carl. I suspected this is what you would say. I was/am in therapy for quite a while and that's how I do realize this and am trying to change it. It''s silly but it stems from when my father passed when I was eight years old. I don't mind talking about it if you guys are ok with it now knowing that I am seeing a therapist for it. Basically, the only thing to do is face my fears. That's why I wasnted to see how others on here deal with it. I do have several very close friends that are like family to me. I probably should have been more specific and stated that it happens at either the beginning of a friendship before I get close to someone or in a romantic relationship. So if you guys are open to suggestions, I'm still listening.

pa_jorg

I think the older one gets the more they've been through it and are usually better able to cope, especially in the dating world where people come and go all the time with no explanation. But yes, I agree with Carl and Anna that you probably need more help than what most of us here can relate to or offer.

SweetBasil35

I found a book that was my bible after my last break-up (six months ago). It's called "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing". I've read it twice now... (it really is a "journey" and not something that you do once and are cured). Wishing you the best... :flowerforyou:

nightsrainfall

I have "issues". I actually have little insentive to change too because I am not unhappy in how I am. I do what to change because well 'the grass is always greener' and I would like to get the courage and abilty to go check it out. Most of my issues are more insecurity and having little trust that good things will happen instead of bad. I would suggest talking to someone or venturing out of your bubble to find people not like you. I use to talk to someone and now I've moved on to finding friends who I like that are also different than me - and instead of declining or rejecting their activities, mannerims, ideas or thought processes, I work on learning about them, accepting them, and sometimes finding myself influenced enough to have a few similar ones myself.

It's a long process for some and for others it's quick. But it all comes down to, if you stay in the same spot doing the same think, thinking the same way - then there you will stay. Sometimes that's a good thing, other times not so much. Of course, I took out the reality of '*kitten* happens, we all change one way or another in that.

Good luck. You aren't alone!

newmein2013

SweetBasil: thanks for the book. I'm picking it up today.
NightsRain, I love what you said about finding people that aren't like me, thank you. I've actually been doing this the past several months and it's been helping a lot. Could be the very reason why I want to fix change now. I'm seeing there's a lot more to life and I've been my own obstacle as far as going out and grabbing it. I'm enjoying getting to know people with such different interests and proud of myself that I'm taking on new interests and activities as well. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. It's definitely progress.

JanieJack

{{{{hugs}}}}

I don't have any real answers, but one book that I found very eye-opening is "the boy who was raised as a dog." The psychologist goes through several cases of children who suffered extreme mis treatment (some on purpose, some by unfortunate events) like the boy in the title and the Waco children. The main point I took away is that no matter what caused our issues a KEY step toward healing comes by increasing the quality and quantity of our relationships. Making more friends, and making sure those friends treat us with dignity/respect.