Why do guys do this?

JanieJack

Went out to dinner with a platonic guy friend (we paid our own tickets, just “killing time” together not a date). After dinner we go outside and spend the next three hours talking about deep stuff, and he mentions how beautiful I am and how I’m the whole package and he’s being a little touchy feely/huggy. I'm like, yeah you're great too. So when we walk elsewhere for dessert I’m all excited thinking he’s going to ask me out or at least keep hugging me.

We order and his coworker (very drunk) comes in with her husband and friends. She and her husband sit with us for a bit, but when he goes back to their group table she becomes the sole object of my friend’s attention. I figured she’s married so he’s not “going after her” and decided to allow him a few minutes of “drool over the hot 25yr old” time. As time progressed, he kept egging her on with more questions fascinated with her drunken ruminations (even after the manager had to tell us to keep it down since she was so loud and dropping f-bombs like candy). I really wanted to leave after we finished our desserts, and even asked for our checks, but I didn’t want to walk alone back to my car through a questionable area of town. I kept hoping if I gave it a few minutes he’d wrap it up and we’d leave.

An hour and a half later, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was being ignored, and I was embarrassed being associated with this very vulgar girl. Plus I was going sightseeing with a hot guy in the morning and needed to get at least a few hours of sleep. I decided to leave. I grabbed our checks and said goodbye. He met me at the counter as I was paying and walked me the block to my car (maybe I should have left earlier??). I get it we weren’t on “a date,” but he just spent a couple hours talking about how awesome I was, how he never talks to anyone about the deep stuff he discusses with me, and so I would have liked at least a LITTLE attention over dessert.

I’ve seen guys I work with do this before (be in a place with one girl but totally ignore her and fawn over some young hot thing) but I’ve always chalked it up to jerkiness. Can you guys give me any “non jerky” reasons why a guy would do this? Was it just his way of saying “despite the last 3 hours we spent talking I’m not really into you?”

MaraDiaz

He might have decided you're not into him and have been doing his manly best to hide his hurt feelings.

Maybe he's a bit socially inept and thought you would be more attracted to him if he spent the night ignoring you while attempting to be all witty and charming with someone else (showing off in other words).

Maybe he's just not into you.

Maybe he's just a player and he likes married women (no commitment worries there!)

DMZ_1

Guys have biological needs. That is all.

The_Iron

He is flighty, fickle, whatev... regardless, what he did was wrong but you seem more bothered by him giving another girl his attention but since you do have an interest in this 'platonic friend', you are bothered by it even more.

flimflamfloz

I personally like to talk to people enough so that a "new shiny friend" will always attract me more than an "good old friend" (which I guess I know a lot more than new people I've never met), especially when I meet people from a very different background or socio-professional category.

If your platonic friend was drunk, then maybe he just wanted a woman.

Mom2rh

Seems like he was sending you a very direct signal...he was back-pedaling in a rude but obvious way.

JanieJack

since you do have an interest in this 'platonic friend', you are bothered by it even more.

See that's the thing... during this after dinner convo he told me he thought I was great and I was like, really? Because first time we went to dinner I was all flirty with you and you wouldn't take the bait. He said he didn't think I was being myself and we talked about impressions people give off. I tried to communicate that I would be interested in taking this beyond friendship... maybe I didn't do a good job. Or maybe, when he realized I was open to that it was all he wanted? Kinda like the guys who want your phone number but never actually intend to call it?

dbrightwell1270

drunk, married, and hot >>>> communicating deep thoughts and that silly feelings garbage.

In all seriousness though, aren't you just seeing if he is really interested and now disappointed that he may not be even though he indicated that he may have been? Aren't you redeploying pretty soon? What's the point in trying to "build a relationship" when you are going bye bye?

Roadie2000

Honestly, she sounds like fun and he was just having fun with her. I don't think it really has anything to do with you.

JanieJack

If your platonic friend was drunk, then maybe he just wanted a woman.

What do you mean? She was married, and her husband was right there. He didn't make any moves on her or anything. If he just wanted a woman, seems like he's want the unattached one he'd been working all evening. Lol.

JanieJack

Honestly, she sounds like fun

Maybe that's what bothers me. She didn't seem fun at all to me. I was mortified when the manager had to come tell us to tone it down. All those f-bombs. What's fun about that?

When we met for dinner, he had already ordered his food at the bar (my church service ran late so he wasn't sure I was still coming). I had asked him could we move away from the bar b/c I didn't want to be around a bunch of drunks. I just wanted to relax and be "me." So this incident later felt like a double whammy... you already knew I ddn't want to be in that environment and now, after getting me to admit I'd be open to a relationship, kick me to the curb in front of people we knew.

flimflamfloz

If your platonic friend was drunk, then maybe he just wanted a woman.

What do you mean? She was married, and her husband was right there. He didn't make any moves on her or anything. If he just wanted a woman, seems like he's want the unattached one he'd been working all evening. Lol.

I just meant that when I've been really drunk, I have been hitting on lots of women and I haven't been the most logical person either (in terms of girls I'm talking to)... Not at all saying *this* is the explanation though.

The_Iron

Yeah to think he wanted some married woman booty, he was being mighty brazen about it (and would deserve a good @ss kicking from the husband).

Maybe he jus got caught up in her antics... maybe he felt the need to lessen the discussion you two previously had?

Regardless, you have shown him you are interested, if he is. Let it rest and remember how you felt at the end of the night.

cbeutler

Guys who aren't confident in themselves play this passive aggressive game. If you are interested tell him you would like more. Don't drop hints. Tell him straight out and let the chips fall. But understand even if he chooses to date you after that he will still have the same confidence issues.

JanieJack

drunk, married, and hot >>>> communicating deep thoughts and that silly feelings garbage.

In all seriousness though, aren't you just seeing if he is really interested and now disappointed that he may not be even though he indicated that he may have been? Aren't you redeploying pretty soon? What's the point in trying to "build a relationship" when you are going bye bye?

No, I was not "just seeing if he was interested." The very first time we hung out, yes, I was attempting to see if he was interested. I outrank him, so I broke my rule about not asking guys out and simply asked him if he'd help me kill some time. That night he acted absolutely NOT interested, but we had such great conversations that we kept hanging out platonically. So I was really caught off guard when he started hugging on me and stuff tis weekend. He's quite attractive so I'm not complaining.

Regarding the move thing, we're both military and both want to retire in the same locale so I didn't see that as a hinderence.

Roadie2000

Honestly, she sounds like fun

Maybe that's what bothers me. She didn't seem fun at all to me. I was mortified when the manager had to come tell us to tone it down. All those f-bombs. What's fun about that?

When we met for dinner, he had already ordered his food at the bar (my church service ran late so he wasn't sure I was still coming). I had asked him could we move away from the bar b/c I didn't want to be around a bunch of drunks. I just wanted to relax and be "me." So this incident later felt like a double whammy... you already knew I ddn't want to be in that environment and now, after getting me to admit I'd be open to a relationship, kick me to the curb in front of people we knew.

Well you said you spent three hours talking about really deep stuff. That would probably be enough to make me want to want to have some drunken antics with a coworker I was comfortable with too.

I am curious about some details though, was your platonic friend/date drinking also? You said this girl was there with her husband and his friends, yet it was only your friend and the girl that were doing the talking? I'm only asking because I've noticed women can get a little jealous/intimidated by other women that typically draw other men's attention. Would you feel different if it was a guy coworker that he was giving attention to?

Are you more upset about the fact that he wasn't giving you enough attention or because he was giving his attention to another girl? I can't imagine it would have been easy to turn his focus back on your deep conversation when his coworker is dropping f-bombs.

JanieJack

I am curious about some details though, was your platonic friend/date drinking also? You said this girl was there with her husband and his friends, yet it was only your friend and the girl that were doing the talking? I'm only asking because I've noticed women can get a little jealous/intimidated by other women that typically draw other men's attention. Would you feel different if it was a guy coworker that he was giving attention to?

Are you more upset about the fact that he wasn't giving you enough attention or because he was giving his attention to another girl? I can't imagine it would have been easy to turn his focus back on your deep conversation when his coworker is dropping f-bombs.

No, I've never seen him drink (though he's never declared that he doesn't)

Hubby and the group of friends came over to our table and chatted for awhile. Group went back to their table, wife and hubby stayed and chatted even longer. Then Hubby left and she stayed talking to my friend.

I don't know if I'd have been upset if he did that with a guy. Good question. I didn't need to go back to the deep conversation, but the original intention of going in there wasn't to get dessert anyway. I had to pee and we'd talked so long that everything around us was closed. That’s why we walked down there. He decided since we were there we might as well get dessert. I do know that if she hadn't been so vulgar, it would have been easier to enjoy hanging out with her. I'm kinda sensitive about language so it's hard for me to talk to someone who's cursing like that. And I was really, really, upset the manager had to come talk to us. I know reputation isn’t the most important thing in the world, but I’m on staff and for other people to see “my table” get called out like that was embarrassing.

JanieJack

maybe he felt the need to lessen the discussion you two previously had?

hmm. good point. I hadn't thought of that.

dbrightwell1270

And I was really, really, upset the manager had to come talk to us. I know reputation isn’t the most important thing in the world, but I’m on staff and for other people to see “my table” get called out like that was embarrassing.

You've asked before why you are seen as intimidating. this always having to be on your best behavior mindset (while understandable. I wouldn't want to be associated with this type of behavior in a restaurant either) may be part of the reason.

Meghan0116

I think that this had less to do with you than with a drunken "entertaining" hot chick, even though she was married. I think his behavior is bizarre, especially after having a deep 3 hour conversation with you.

Roadie2000

I am curious about some details though, was your platonic friend/date drinking also? You said this girl was there with her husband and his friends, yet it was only your friend and the girl that were doing the talking? I'm only asking because I've noticed women can get a little jealous/intimidated by other women that typically draw other men's attention. Would you feel different if it was a guy coworker that he was giving attention to?

Are you more upset about the fact that he wasn't giving you enough attention or because he was giving his attention to another girl? I can't imagine it would have been easy to turn his focus back on your deep conversation when his coworker is dropping f-bombs.

No, I've never seen him drink (though he's never declared that he doesn't)

Hubby and the group of friends came over to our table and chatted for awhile. Group went back to their table, wife and hubby stayed and chatted even longer. Then Hubby left and she stayed talking to my friend.

I don't know if I'd have been upset if he did that with a guy. Good question. I didn't need to go back to the deep conversation, but the original intention of going in there wasn't to get dessert anyway. I had to pee and we'd talked so long that everything around us was closed. That’s why we walked down there. He decided since we were there we might as well get dessert. I do know that if she hadn't been so vulgar, it would have been easier to enjoy hanging out with her. I'm kinda sensitive about language so it's hard for me to talk to someone who's cursing like that. And I was really, really, upset the manager had to come talk to us. I know reputation isn’t the most important thing in the world, but I’m on staff and for other people to see “my table” get called out like that was embarrassing.

Ah, so she sat down at your table and just hung out for a while? Doesn't sound like he had much choice in the matter.

JanieJack

Ah, so she sat down at your table and just hung out for a while? Doesn't sound like he had much choice in the matter.

Well, I think he did. She kept saying, "oh I don't wanna keep interrupting you" and he kept saying, "that's ok" and asking another question.

AnnaPixie

I hate being around drunks when I'm sober. And I drink and get drunk!! :bigsmile: This girl would have got on my nerves too. But if I was drunk too, we would have probably got on like a house on fire!!

You've (and other non drinkers on here) have asked a few times why being teetotal is a deal breaker to a drinker? This is why!! When you're sober, you just can't handle the drunk!! It's a totally different mindset.

That's not to say ALL sober people can't handle drunks. I've met some that dont mind it. But in the main, the majority wouldnt enjoy it.

I guess, the guy you were with thought she was fun! Compared to the sober and very serious conversation you shared earlier, this woman, I think, he just enjoyed for the frivolous contrast. He gave her attention because he didnt want to talk serious anymore?

If she wasnt married, and her husband wasnt there, I might have said he was being rude and ignorant.

But, I just think it was YOU that didnt enjoy the mood, and he just played to it, almost as a release?

Yes, you should have asked him to walk you to your car ealier. I would have left much earlier had I been driving. I often do when I'm faced with my friends drunken behavior :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I guess, the guy you were with thought she was fun! Compared to the sober and very serious conversation you shared earlier, this woman, I think, he just enjoyed for the frivolous contrast. He gave her attention because he didnt want to talk serious anymore?

Interesting.

Yes, you should have asked him to walk you to your car ealier. I would have left much earlier had I been driving. I often do when I'm faced with my friends drunken behavior :flowerforyou:

Yeah, I should have. I didn't because we walked a long way and the neighborhood was questionable but in hindsight I'm sure I would have been fine. And maybe he'd have left earlier. Maybe he thought I was enjoying her antics too.

Roadie2000

Ah, so she sat down at your table and just hung out for a while? Doesn't sound like he had much choice in the matter.

Well, I think he did. She kept saying, "oh I don't wanna keep interrupting you" and he kept saying, "that's ok" and asking another question.

Hmm...well I keep trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I don't really know. Sometimes we gravitate towards the hot drunk girls without even realizing it. Or maybe he was just too polite to tell her to buzz off.

You know, the more I read this forum the more I realize how exhausting it is to over-analyze every little thing guys do. We really don't make sense half the time even to us!

JanieJack

Thinking about this topic (thanks for everyone who is responding) I remembered that I actually saw a guy friend do this last year. I didn't understand it then either... This friend was into one of our mutual friends at church. My job was to help find out if she liked him. They spent a lot of time together so I was pretty sure she did. She invited us to a concert but instead of talking to her, he spent the entire evening hanging on her young, thin, blonde, drunk, and very vulgar friend’s every word. I figured the fact that she was hanging out of her skin-tight clothes had something to do with it, but eventually the girl he came to see (the one who invited us to join her) left and went to hang out with some other guy. I chastised him later about “you have a funny way of showing a girl you like her… you spent all night buying drinks for that girl even though she kept dogging you out for being the old guy instead of spending time with your friends and the girl you told me you liked.”

JanieJack

Or maybe he was just too polite to tell her to buzz off.

Hmm, could be.

You know, the more I read this forum the more I realize how exhausting it is to over-analyze every little thing guys do. We really don't make sense half the time even to us!

Haha yeah. I guess I was just struggling with wondering if I’m being too selfish and un-personable, or would any reasonable person feel somewhat disrespected. I know my personality is strong, intense, and can come off like a selfish jerk.

Cameron_1969

Men do this because they aren't raised right anymore. Manners and simple courtesy are no longer valued.

Steelheart7

Men do this because they aren't raised right anymore. Manners and simple courtesy are no longer valued.

I agree with this .. i think what he did was rude. He may not have had any motivation other than watching a hot girl curse .. but he was being rude to you. Period.

christine24t

Men do this because they aren't raised right anymore. Manners and simple courtesy are no longer valued.

I agree with this .. i think what he did was rude. He may not have had any motivation other than watching a hot girl curse .. but he was being rude to you. Period.

Yes, this. I would have disagreed if he was trying to include you but he wasn't.

The_Iron

And that alone says a lot about his character. Regardless of what kind of night you two were having, he changed the whole dynamic of your evening by doing this. I bet he would have sat there and mean mugged the whole time if you did that to him. Take it as a red flag warning and consider yourself lucky.