Never been officially diagnosed....

Meganalva

I'm wondering if someone could help me properly identify what's going on with me. Yes, I know I need to see a therapist and I do want to....but I'm too afraid to make the appt. Plus, I have 3 little kids and finding daycare isn't easy to get to the appt along with my work schedule...etc. UGH. Anyway...

Since I was 13, I have struggled with eating "issues". I used to only eat little bits of food, maybe a few saltines and an apple. My mom was gone at work a lot and I homeschooled so it was easy to pretend I was eating while she was gone. I'd chew food up and spit it into the toilet so she'd think I used some food up from the cupboards and such. I got down to 95 lbs at one point, I think that was my lowest, I was 16 and 5'2 1/2. Eventually I met my future husband (we are now divorced, ha) and he somehow got me out of the ED cycle. I still obsessed about my weight but I ate fine and didn't really put a lot of thought into food I was eating or try to restrict. Fast forward to after I had my first child, I was my heaviest, I got up to 145 lbs when he was about 2 and I was drinking a lot of alcohol and packing on the lbs. I still was pretty nonchalant about my weight, even went awhile without obsessively weighing myself. To cut down the story line, I thought about my weight all the time and would be disgusted with myself but I wouldn't exercise or do anything about it. But I ate normally, didn't overeat or undereat. Well, fast forward again to now I have 3 children, dropped all the baby weight (my littlest just turned 1) and trying to train for a 5k and all the ED crap came back full force. Obsessively weighing myself several times daily, then one day it just clicked in me and I went about 2 weeks on hardly any food- starting having scary side effects from the starvation even in just that short amount of time and it scared me. My boyfriend took my scale away when he saw what was happening and he has been monitoring my calorie intake. However....when I don't restrict....I will binge. Every day. So it seems as if when I can't have control over eating less and less....I will freak out and overeat. Does this make sense?? And now I can't weigh myself so it makes me feel like I have even less control. I don't know why....does anyone else have this issue?? What does it mean? I'm so confused. I just want to be normal!! I could go on and on but I'll shut up. Thanks for reading.

ucabucca

What you are describing sound so familiar and I wish you would see someone. For me I thought I could control it but it was controlling me and what I had not processed was organs are muscles but they do not respond the same as other muscles and the damage can be permanent. Let others help you and be accountable to them. It is extremly helpful for me to have someone eat meals with me. I misjudge portions so for now I measure things out and it does help as well as eating 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Try to think of healthy not a number and not exact calories just types of foods ie protein fruits and veggies and grains. See someone to help you with a meal plan can also be very helpful to your recovery. Good Luck It is hard but worth it especially with things you want to be involved with your kids as they grow up

thinnnnnnner

I don't want to speculate on anything you've said, but it's clear you have an unhealthy relationship with your body and food. Please get professional help, love. You have to get healthy for your little ones.

If you need any support don't hesitate to contact me, I've been in similar places and trying my hardest to be healthy now.

Meganalva

Thanks for the comments and support. I made my first therapist appt (an ED specialized therapist) for august 20, the soonest I could get in with my work schedule. I'm hoping it's a step in the right direction.

ucabucca

I am proud of you the first step is the hardest. Let others help you. It will be hard work but it is worth it I promise to be able to enjoy your family and be healthy

Abigailblue39

Wow sounds a lot like me, and still 26 years later, I struggle - although I can say I am in remission and keep my weight since 13 years BMI 19. IT can hide for years just to get back at you when you are in a sensitive spot (it went away for a total of 4 years - and I gained a bunch of weight). Going on a "Diet" is a bad trigger for me. Now, I call it change habits little by little in a healthy way. After 1.5 years of slightly changing, I finally am tired of feeling crappy because of what I do to myself. It's a slow process, therapy is certainly a beginning (and I had more than plenty of it). My experience is, if it is chronic, it is up to you to re-learn healthy habits. Another problem is the emotional side that is attached to the symptom (ED). I feel in my case I have difficulties showing or dealing with emotions or sometimes with people who suck the life out of me, I haven't figured that out to this day. Though accepting who I am has helped me: I am tired of lying, tired of hiding, I am very simply, a mid-aged woman with chronic bulimia nervosa - anorexia nervosa (bingeing and purging type) since I was 14 years old - right now in remission - and it is what it is. So, now I move on and show my 3year old daughter how to eat properly and enough food, with her at meal times, because it is her that is important now. And I knew I had no choice but to break the cycle.

Meganalva

Wow sounds a lot like me, and still 26 years later, I struggle - although I can say I am in remission and keep my weight since 13 years BMI 19. IT can hide for years just to get back at you when you are in a sensitive spot (it went away for a total of 4 years - and I gained a bunch of weight). Going on a "Diet" is a bad trigger for me. Now, I call it change habits little by little in a healthy way. After 1.5 years of slightly changing, I finally am tired of feeling crappy because of what I do to myself. It's a slow process, therapy is certainly a beginning (and I had more than plenty of it). My experience is, if it is chronic, it is up to you to re-learn healthy habits. Another problem is the emotional side that is attached to the symptom (ED). I feel in my case I have difficulties showing or dealing with emotions or sometimes with people who suck the life out of me, I haven't figured that out to this day. Though accepting who I am has helped me: I am tired of lying, tired of hiding, I am very simply, a mid-aged woman with chronic bulimia nervosa - anorexia nervosa (bingeing and purging type) since I was 14 years old - right now in remission - and it is what it is. So, now I move on and show my 3year old daughter how to eat properly and enough food, with her at meal times, because it is her that is important now. And I knew I had no choice but to break the cycle.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well in your life Keep it up, your daughter definitely deserves it Thanks for your comment.