In retrospect...

JanieJack

I know the normal tendency is to dog out the people who dumped us or never liked us (though they should because we would have been "sooooo perfect" together), but do you ever go back and think about where you might have been a small part (or a large part) of the problem? I was thinking about some previous relationships and I can definitely see things that to me (as a 24-7 single mom whose kid has autistic tendencies) were just normal, but to a guy trying to build a relationship would have been frustrating, irritating, and (frankly) embarrassing.

I'm thinking of writing an article about it, kind of a "here's what YOU say happened, here's how THEY took it, and here are some things you can do to make it better if it ever happens again." I would love to share some other people's stories in addition to my own, so if you would like to contribute please PM me your stories.

Thanks!!

JJ

PS: Yep, some of that perspective came from reading what you all write in this forum, so thank you for being so open and honest when it comes to relationships.

SouthernSweetie74

Nope! I'm PERFECT everytime! HIS LOSS!!!

LOL JK

I haven't dated a lot recently, but I did think about what I could have done better in my marriage (divorce was final in May).

JanieJack

I really wanted to post some examples, but all the grievous ones that come to mind concern two guys here on MFP, lol. Maybe that's because that's who I was thinking about when I came up with the article idea. Well, I'll think of some more and loop back later.

When it comes to my marriage, I don't give my ex any excuses for what he did, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have put my foot down long before the divorce. I can whine all day about him not working and me working 3 jobs, but "cleaning up my side of the street" should have included things like cutting him off from my paychecks so he couldn't continue to throw the money away.

It's one thing to be taken advantage of, but quite another to keep LETTING someone take advantage of you.

poncho33

I think I have what you're looking for. When I get more time I'll write it out and PM you.

SouthernSweetie74

When it comes to my marriage, I don't give my ex any excuses for what he did, but if I had to do it all over again, I would have put my foot down long before the divorce. I can whine all day about him not working and me working 3 jobs, but "cleaning up my side of the street" should have included things like cutting him off from my paychecks so he couldn't continue to throw the money away.

It's one thing to be taken advantage of, but quite another to keep LETTING someone take advantage of you.

Been there done that.

Without going into too much detail here, my divorce was nothing that I had control of. My husband simply decided he no longer wanted to be married anymore and bailed. Texted me to tell me he was moving, and he left. I don't excuse his behavior because I don't think there is an excuse for it. But I did look back over the marriage and try to think about things from his perspective, how he could have felt in certain situations, etc.

But I'm the type of person that does that with everything. I do that in my job, in my relationships with my friends, my service work at church, with my kids... especially with my kids. I want to know that NO MATTER WHAT someone else does or says, that I AM PUTTING FORTH MY BEST EFFORT, that I am being true to who I feel that God has called me to be. Sometimes, I realize that maybe I shouldn't have said something or maybe what I said was okay, but it was my tone of voice. Or sometimes I realize that I am the one who royally messed up and have to go apologize.

I do realize that this is not what you were looking for as far as your article goes really... just got me to thinking...

Darkskinned88

"I didn't do it" -Bart Simpson

Its actually a pet peeve of mine for an ex to not know the real reason to a break up, I guess i care way too much about perception. Women are way to quick to play the "men ain't s***" or "he wasn't man enough" cards rather than accept personal responsibility.

La_Amazona

Yup, of course! Relationships involve 2 people, so does the demise of it.

In my marriage, I was blinded.. But I think I put the blindfolds on myself. With ex bf, I also put the blindfolds on. For those that don't know, ex bf was a pothead. I am guilty of talking myself down an trying to accept or deny things that aren't okay to me... Like pot and cheating. Sure, I nagged, I was needy at times but the problem here is the men I'm picking. I'm not perfect.. At all. But when I look back and observe I realize I'm picking a certain "type" which can't be helping me.

Anyway.. That's all.

poncho33

Yup, of course! Relationships involve 2 people, so does the demise of it.

In my marriage, I was blinded.. But I think I put the blindfolds on myself. With ex bf, I also put the blindfolds on. For those that don't know, ex bf was a pothead. I am guilty of talking myself down an trying to accept or deny things that aren't okay to me... Like pot and cheating. Sure, I nagged, I was needy at times but the problem here is the men I'm picking. I'm not perfect.. At all. But when I look back and observe I realize I'm picking a certain "type" which can't be helping me.

Anyway.. That's all.

Smiley was a pothead? Guess that explains why he was always smiling!

JanieJack

Women are way to quick to play the... "he wasn't man enough" cards rather than accept personal responsibility.

Sure, but what I'm talking about here are things that you don't even realize are problems. For example, lightbulb went on a couple weeks ago when a friend wrote on here about always having to change plans due the kids when he tried dating a single mom.

Me, being a single mom, just accept that as par for the course. Doesn't bother me when my friends change plans at the last minute or when a guy I'm trying to date has to change plans b/c of the kids. Baby sitters are late. Sometimes they don't show. You plan to meet someone immediately after work, but when you pick your kid up from daycare, that's the one day the daycare ladies have a lot of stuff they need to talk to you about and you can't just cut them off and leave cuz it's about your kid, ya know?

Well, guys without kids (or whose kids are grown) aren't used to that and when it happens time and time again they might think you don't hold them in high enough esteem or that you don't respect their time.

La_Amazona

Yup.. I'm a dumbass. He told me he only did it here and there but towards the end I saw just how much here and there meant- all the time! He said that was him and I was to pretty much accept it. Yeah, no. Guess that's why we were so different.
He had a great job, his place, etc.

Apparently when we met, he didn't need to smoke as much since I made him better (his words).

JanieJack

Oh Diana!!! I'm so sorry to hear that ((((hugs))))

If I had made it to Houston this weekend I was gonna ask you what went down, b/c what I'd read from here and facebook gave no indication. I'm sorry you got stuck in that situation, and very proud of you for moving on!!

JanieJack

I really mean it when I say I'm proud of you for not looking back.

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. It took me forever to get over that guy. I kept thinking maybe I was too religious, too goody-two-shoes, and maybe if I would just loosen up things would be better. But now I know, there are plenty of great guys who aren't into all that drugs and illegal behavior.

You deserve better!!

Darkskinned88

Okay let me take another crack at this....

My problem with one relationship in particular in retrospect, I was selfish. We always wanted to stay friends after as we go from being cordial to flirty to romantic. I had the utmost confidence that as long as I had her heart she wouldn't go anywhere, so I saw no need to commit myself. She would talk to other guys, and I would get jealous, compete, win and not want her anymore. It crushed her every time. I did love her but I knew that we couldn't work, yet I didn't want to see her with anyone else. Eventually I realized that I was only holding her back and if I loved her as much I knew I did I would have to put up or shut up. I shut up.

MaraDiaz

I don't care as long as I don't get lied to. I get lied to, it's on, I'm a vengeful girl.

nolachick

I really mean it when I say I'm proud of you for not looking back.

I was in a similar situation a long time ago. It took me forever to get over that guy. I kept thinking maybe I was too religious, too goody-two-shoes, and maybe if I would just loosen up things would be better. But now I know, there are plenty of great guys who aren't into all that drugs and illegal behavior.

You deserve better!!

^^^ wow i cud have written this. I was in the exact same situation. I actually blamed myself for the longest until I realized i wasn't the problem. he was doing a lot more things than just pot, except he called it just having fun. I called it having a problem. I told him he need to grow up and get over that phase and get serious. he told me i need to relax and stop being such a "good girl". After trying for a long time to accept him for what he did, I realized I didnt want to put up with that or change my values and morals for someone like that.