How to let someone down gently?
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HellsKells
Posts: 671 Member
What are some of the things you guys have done or said to let someone down gently? I am a sucker, and hate to hurt anyone's feelings but sometimes, no matter how nicely I try to distance myself, it's not effective enough and I have to end up being harsher than I'd like to be.
In particular, there is someone I started texting with (after an initial online introduction) and I kinda wish now that I'd never given him my number, because he texts me ALL THE TIME! I have said so many times that I have plans, I'm working, or that I'll text him when I'm free, etc, trying to indicate that I don't really wanna talk to him every hour of the day, or hell, even every day, but he's just not getting the hint, even when I don't reply at all (he just sends more texts asking me if I got the others!) and this level of interest has actually turned me off him altogether. He's a nice enough guy, but it seems like he's a stage 5 clinger, and I do not want that.
This isn't the only instance where I've been stuck trying to figure out a nice way to cut someone loose, but it's just the most recent, and therefore, forefront in my mind.
I know it's best not to drag something out, and I don't want to lead anyone on, but I feel like I'm not sending the right signals when I'm trying to be nice, so I'd like to get some better ideas on how to handle things.
Anyone have any good tips?
In particular, there is someone I started texting with (after an initial online introduction) and I kinda wish now that I'd never given him my number, because he texts me ALL THE TIME! I have said so many times that I have plans, I'm working, or that I'll text him when I'm free, etc, trying to indicate that I don't really wanna talk to him every hour of the day, or hell, even every day, but he's just not getting the hint, even when I don't reply at all (he just sends more texts asking me if I got the others!) and this level of interest has actually turned me off him altogether. He's a nice enough guy, but it seems like he's a stage 5 clinger, and I do not want that.
This isn't the only instance where I've been stuck trying to figure out a nice way to cut someone loose, but it's just the most recent, and therefore, forefront in my mind.
I know it's best not to drag something out, and I don't want to lead anyone on, but I feel like I'm not sending the right signals when I'm trying to be nice, so I'd like to get some better ideas on how to handle things.
Anyone have any good tips?
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Just tell him that you think you are in two different places and right now want two different things. And that you just do not think this will work out between the two of you.0
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Don't do it gently. Just do it and get it over with.
Just say it is not going to work and you don't want to hear from him. Offer no reasons. Don't give the whole "You're a nice guy but I feel nothing" spiel. Women think they are doing guys a favor with that line, but it is actually worse than saying the truth. Because guys interpret that as their own failing to make her attracted.
If you're really a nice person, you can offer constructive criticism as to what he can do in the future to attract someone else and keep the spark going. That's purely optional, but he'll respect you for being different from other women for doing that.0 -
Don't do it gently. Just do it and get it over with.
Just say it is not going to work and you don't want to hear from him. Offer no reasons. Don't give the whole "You're a nice guy but I feel nothing" spiel. Women think they are doing guys a favor with that line, but it is actually worse than saying the truth. Because guys interpret that as their own failing to make her attracted.
If you're really a nice person, you can offer constructive criticism as to what he can do in the future to attract someone else and keep the spark going. That's purely optional, but he'll respect you for being different from other women for doing that.
To some extent that is ok - however, I once tried to give constructive criticism and I was verbally abused, had the man go completely ape *kitten* on me. I was trying to be nice - I thought it might help, yeah instead I had to get ugly with his clingy butt!!!0 -
Go online to your cell phone carrier's web site and block his text and calls
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If you're really a nice person, you can offer constructive criticism as to what he can do in the future to attract someone else and keep the spark going. That's purely optional, but he'll respect you for being different from other women for doing that.
To some extent that is ok - however, I once tried to give constructive criticism and I was verbally abused, had the man go completely ape *kitten* on me. I was trying to be nice - I thought it might help, yeah instead I had to get ugly with his clingy butt!!!
That is why it is optional. You've got to have a good sense of the other person to try this. If it is early stage and you as a woman are just trying to get a guy to go away, I think it is best just to say it isn't going to work and offer no additional details, except for clearly stating that you don't want to hear from him again. Remember, guys need really clear communication.0 -
Go online to your cell phone carrier's web site and block his text and calls
End of thread
Yeah, good idea, but it's not free with my carrier,and I don't really wanna pay $5 a month just to avoid having to be blunt. I will do that when I have to, but I'd rather find a nice way to break things to someone.0 -
I'll be honest - this happened to me a couple months ago... I chickened out and just stopped responding. He texted me for days before it finally tapered off. I have pretty bad anxiety and the idea of having to deal with it was actually affecting my everyday life. It's crazy how someone you've never even met can illicit such an emotional response, right?
I don't think I handled it correctly but... it was effective. Yes, ideally it's better to say "I am not interested anymore, sorry." and let them have their reaction. But if you do just NOT respond then eventually he'll get the hint. The way I see it is for me personally, my emotional health is more important to me than his. I don't owe him anything simply because I gave him my number.
Before people attack me and call me a horrible person, like I said, this isn't the nicest or most ideal way to handle it. It's just -a- way to handle it.0 -
In this instance I don't think letting him down gently will do him any good. I agree with DM just do it and get it over with. If you feel bad for him, tell him he came on too strong and you don't have any interest... that wil be more helpful to him than a soft let down.0
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Soft let downs leave a guy thinking that there still might be a chance. Be blunt and clear.0
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If you're really a nice person, you can offer constructive criticism as to what he can do in the future to attract someone else and keep the spark going. That's purely optional, but he'll respect you for being different from other women for doing that.
Funny, when I said I was going to do this a lot of folks jumped on me for being rude.
My two thoughts:
1. If you don't like someone, don't keep telling them you're gonna call/text/etc when you get a chance. You think you're giving a clear signal that you're not interested. Obviously they don't get it.
2. Two common ways to do this are just tell them you are not interested or to stop responding all together (i.e. poofing). Now you know why guys poof.
I generally just tell a guy I'm not interested. If I really feel bad, I give him a reason why about me (for example, I found out I'm deploying, or I discovered I'm just not over the last guy, etc). The problem with that is by making excuses you are opening the door for him to try and overcome those excuses. If you want him to go away, the most effective way is to tell him you don't see things working out, with no extra invitation for further communication. I've had guys ask me why I don't see things working out, and when they do, I tell them upfront.0 -
Oh man gotta hate clingers, thats why Mr. Number is my favorite app. But in regards to letting someone down gently, self realization always works. I break it down to the point that she comes up to the realization that ok maybe this wont work. Sometimes its tedious when they seem to have a counter to every reason you give but in almost all relationships theres a dealbreaker. Find it.0
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Be blunt. There is no use letting someone down gently, especially when they are the crazy, clingy type. You may come across as a *****, but who cares? At least he will stop talking to you and THAT is reason enough for me to tell it like it is...0
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Yeah, I think just being blunt is the way I'm going to have to go here. I hate being mean. :ohwell:0
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I would not call it being mean. You'll probably be doing it over text message, which is highly impersonal. An impersonal text message of it is not going to work out followed by no further explanation should be enough to annoy most men to the point that they would not want to interact with you again. It is early stage and that's your goal here.0
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Go online to your cell phone carrier's web site and block his text and calls
End of thread
You always have the 'perfect answer" and comment, End of thread.
Really???0 -
I hate letting people down. Anyway you do it is going to suck... So just do it any way you can...0
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What's meaner? To seem initially rude, and hurt their feelings... or to string them along for couple of weeks with a glimmer of hope which might just cause them to overlook someone else who could be perfect for them.
Nothing wrong with giving people a chance, but once you know it's over- cut them loose so everyone can move on.0
