The texting game...
SouthernSweetie74
Posts: 844
I have a friend who has been doing the online dating for a couple of years, and I am just dabbling in it again after a divorce in May. She informed me that you are supposed to take turns texting. For instance, if he texts me, then I'm supposed to text him next, or he may not ever text me again. I thought that was kind of silly. Until last night.
I have a lot of friends. I get several texts throughout the day. I do not always have time to reply immediately. I just assumed everyone else was the same way and would understand, and if the message is one that doesn't elicit a response, I may not take the time to respond to it.
One guy whom I was texting had previously answered a question that I asked him. His response was late, not immediate. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't get the text until the next morning (he sent it the night before when I was asleep). I figured he was working, so I didn't send anything back. Besides, he just answered a question, and his response did not prompt me to send another message. A day goes by, and I didn't hear from him again. I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
Of course then there's the one that won't stop texting me... even after I've told him I'm not interested and don't respond to his texts at all.
I have a lot of friends. I get several texts throughout the day. I do not always have time to reply immediately. I just assumed everyone else was the same way and would understand, and if the message is one that doesn't elicit a response, I may not take the time to respond to it.
One guy whom I was texting had previously answered a question that I asked him. His response was late, not immediate. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't get the text until the next morning (he sent it the night before when I was asleep). I figured he was working, so I didn't send anything back. Besides, he just answered a question, and his response did not prompt me to send another message. A day goes by, and I didn't hear from him again. I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
Of course then there's the one that won't stop texting me... even after I've told him I'm not interested and don't respond to his texts at all.
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Heres the way I see texting - it should be 50/50, meaning that you shouldn't be the only one reciving texts or sending them. It should be a conversation. For example, if I send a text and the person doesn't respond I won't send a million more unless it's an unusual circumstance. And if someone texts me discussing making plans, I'll confirm those plans later via text.
In your case if it was morning and you'd just gotten the text I would have said "morning! Sorry fell asleep last night. How is your day so far?" you can use the new day to start a new conversation.0 -
I guess i talk to more neurotic women who if i dont respond i get a bunch of ???? texts as a reminder its my "turn" lol0
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Texting happens on a phone. A phone was originally invented for people to talk to one another. The cell phone was invented for people to talk without being tethered to a landline.
Texting is far too frequently used. It is really best for the simplest of message exchanges and in no way should it be thought of as a relational development tool. I don't think text messaging has enhanced the quality of human relationships. In fact, I believe that it has de-personalized many processes and made us ruder to one another.
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
The focus should be on phone calls and your in person interactions.
To the OP-Maybe you need to let people know how you perceive texting and how you like others to communicate with you.0 -
Texting happens on a phone. A phone was originally invented for people to talk to one another. The cell phone was invented for people to talk without being tethered to a landline.
Texting is far too frequently used. It is really best for the simplest of message exchanges and in no way should it be thought of as a relational development tool. I don't think text messaging has enhanced the quality of human relationships. In fact, I believe that it has de-personalized many processes and made us ruder to one another.
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
The focus should be on phone calls and your in person interactions.
To the OP-Maybe you need to let people know how you perceive texting and how you like others to communicate with you.
This is your opinion, which is great, but you come across as incredibly arrogant when you present it as though it's fact. Different people have different preferences and it's fantastic that you know what you want but a lot of people that aren't you manage just fine. (to be clear, I'm criticizing the presentation of your opinion, not your opinion in and of itself.)0 -
Gosh, this just sounds like a bunch of rules and games. He really thought you were mad at him?
Though, to be fair, you did not text him for how long, and you had no inkling whatsoever to contact him again until the "rule" popped into your head before you sent him a message? Honestly if you had no reason to message him before now I would simply get the impression that the two of you were just not into each other.0 -
I am not about the games of who texts next. If I wanted to play games I would play Monopoly or Scrabble. Like previously stated, I would have used the fact you fell asleep or what not as a jump off to start a whole new conversation, like "how was your day, hope you have a great day or something of the sort."
And personally I prefer texting, because I am on the phone all the time at work. I despise being on the phone!!!0 -
It is silly and not silly at the same time.She informed me that you are supposed to take turns texting.[...] I thought that was kind of silly.
It's not silly to take turns (eh, that's not a monologue right? that's a conversation)... but it's silly to be anal about it.
Like your dude:
Well, I posted some guidelines for texting once, and the idea when someone doesn't reply to you is simply to try a few times to re-initiate contact. Sure, you shouldn't be typing a monologue (bad!) but it's okay for someone to miss 1 or even 2 texts.I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
See that's what bothers me with the use people make of "the rules of dating" - the principle is good (guidelines to frame people's interactions are useful) but then some people think that the "dating police" will knock on their door if they don't follow these rules to the letter (which is stupid...).
Sprinkle a bit of spontaneity and humanity on top of your framed interactions, and you'll be gold.0 -
Gosh, this just sounds like a bunch of rules and games. He really thought you were mad at him?
Though, to be fair, you did not text him for how long, and you had no inkling whatsoever to contact him again until the "rule" popped into your head before you sent him a message? Honestly if you had no reason to message him before now I would simply get the impression that the two of you were just not into each other.
We had just started communicating, and, honestly, I communicate with a lot of people. I don't know if I was into him or not at the time... I think now after a few more texts, I have decided that I am not into him. I have three kids and a life. I don't talk to my BFF every single day. The only people I talk to every single day of my life are my children. I talk to my mother almost every day. And once I'm in a relationship, I talk to that person every day. But if I go a day without talking to someone, it might just mean that I was super busy that day. Nothing else.
And, okay, if it's brand new... I want to be pursued. I'm already being pursued by others. If he doesn't pursue me, someone else will. I'm not being arrogant. It's just the way that it is. I'm a little old fashioned, too, I guess. I was taught to NEVER call a boy first. I will once we've established some sort of communication process, but not in the beginning. I guess, in my mind, that I've equated texting him first to calling first.0 -
It is silly and not silly at the same time.She informed me that you are supposed to take turns texting.[...] I thought that was kind of silly.
It's not silly to take turns (eh, that's not a monologue right? that's a conversation)... but it's silly to be anal about it.
Like your dude:
Well, I posted some guidelines for texting once, and the idea when someone doesn't reply to you is simply to try a few times to re-initiate contact. Sure, you shouldn't be typing a monologue (bad!) but it's okay for someone to miss 1 or even 2 texts.I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
See that's what bothers me with the use people make of "the rules of dating" - the principle is good (guidelines to frame people's interactions are useful) but then some people think that the "dating police" will knock on their door if they don't follow these rules to the letter (which is stupid...).
Sprinkle a bit of spontaneity and humanity on top of your framed interactions, and you'll be gold.
LOL I am so not afraid of the dating police! Bring 'em on!
I guess I don't know all the rules of dating, but the more I'm on here, the more I learn. :huh:
Anyway... I don't do something just because everyone else does it or just because it's the "unspoken rule"...0 -
Texting happens on a phone. A phone was originally invented for people to talk to one another. The cell phone was invented for people to talk without being tethered to a landline.
Texting is far too frequently used. It is really best for the simplest of message exchanges and in no way should it be thought of as a relational development tool. I don't think text messaging has enhanced the quality of human relationships. In fact, I believe that it has de-personalized many processes and made us ruder to one another.
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
The focus should be on phone calls and your in person interactions.
To the OP-Maybe you need to let people know how you perceive texting and how you like others to communicate with you.
This is your opinion, which is great, but you come across as incredibly arrogant when you present it as though it's fact. Different people have different preferences and it's fantastic that you know what you want but a lot of people that aren't you manage just fine. (to be clear, I'm criticizing the presentation of your opinion, not your opinion in and of itself.)
The intention is not to be perceived as arrogant. The message was written in a spirit of kindness, though maybe I am getting a bit annoyed with the technology of the text message as it relates to male-female relationships. I believe that this is an example of the limiting factor of text based communication. I am also guilty of attributing behavior just based on a text message and I text more than I think I should be texting. On Friday night, I was mentioning to a friend that I didn't like a tone based on a text message I received from a woman. I assigned more value to that than I probably should have. I'll see her next week. We had a very pleasant in person interaction last week and I hope we have a great time the next time we see each other.
I need to do a better job with women about making my communication methods preferences clearer. The problem is that it is so difficult to get certain people on the phone. I like best a combination of phone calls and messages on Facebook.0 -
I'm starting to despise texting....lol. It seems I tend to attract dudes that want to communicate solely via text, and then either bug the hell out of me with them, or the "conversation" via text is so painful and stilted that I just become totally uninterested.
It also bugs me that some seem to want to use texting as a way to replace things you would talk about on a first date. I have come across a couple guys that want to know everything about me, and I do mean EVERYTHING (one even asked what kind of "protection" I prefer!), before committing to just getting a drink!
I need to figure out how to better communicate that I don't want to "text date" people :laugh:0 -
I have a friend who has been doing the online dating for a couple of years, and I am just dabbling in it again after a divorce in May. She informed me that you are supposed to take turns texting. For instance, if he texts me, then I'm supposed to text him next, or he may not ever text me again. I thought that was kind of silly. Until last night.
I have a lot of friends. I get several texts throughout the day. I do not always have time to reply immediately. I just assumed everyone else was the same way and would understand, and if the message is one that doesn't elicit a response, I may not take the time to respond to it.
One guy whom I was texting had previously answered a question that I asked him. His response was late, not immediate. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't get the text until the next morning (he sent it the night before when I was asleep). I figured he was working, so I didn't send anything back. Besides, he just answered a question, and his response did not prompt me to send another message. A day goes by, and I didn't hear from him again. I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
Of course then there's the one that won't stop texting me... even after I've told him I'm not interested and don't respond to his texts at all.
I quit on line dating sites (for the moment) when I got my *kitten* handed to me for exactly the same situation.
He was NASTY. If I was not laughing so hard, I would have cried.0 -
I'm starting to despise texting....lol. It seems I tend to attract dudes that want to communicate solely via text, and then either bug the hell out of me with them, or the "conversation" via text is so painful and stilted that I just become totally uninterested.
It also bugs me that some seem to want to use texting as a way to replace things you would talk about on a first date. I have come across a couple guys that want to know everything about me, and I do mean EVERYTHING (one even asked what kind of "protection" I prefer!), before committing to just getting a drink!
I need to figure out how to better communicate that I don't want to "text date" people :laugh:
I really do not prefer texting as the main method of communication. It's fine for the occassional "hi" and "good morning" but I'd, personally, much rather have a phone conversation. The trouble, like you said, though, is that most men I meet seem to prefer to text and "text date". I mean how many times can I text my response to "So, tell me about you." Really? Can't we just have a conversation? Do I have to give you my bio in text? UGH.0 -
I quit on line dating sites (for the moment) when I got my *kitten* handed to me for exactly the same situation.
He was NASTY. If I was not laughing so hard, I would have cried.
LMBO! I hear ya! One time, this guy whom I talked to like ONE night became so irrate with me because I told him I wasn't interested in him in a romantic way that he sent me a picture of his penis and called me a *kitten* and said that must be all I'm after. SMH0 -
I'm starting to despise texting....lol. It seems I tend to attract dudes that want to communicate solely via text, and then either bug the hell out of me with them, or the "conversation" via text is so painful and stilted that I just become totally uninterested.
It also bugs me that some seem to want to use texting as a way to replace things you would talk about on a first date. I have come across a couple guys that want to know everything about me, and I do mean EVERYTHING (one even asked what kind of "protection" I prefer!), before committing to just getting a drink!
I need to figure out how to better communicate that I don't want to "text date" people :laugh:
I really do not prefer texting as the main method of communication. It's fine for the occassional "hi" and "good morning" but I'd, personally, much rather have a phone conversation. The trouble, like you said, though, is that most men I meet seem to prefer to text and "text date". I mean how many times can I text my response to "So, tell me about you." Really? Can't we just have a conversation? Do I have to give you my bio in text? UGH.
Exactly :laugh: I might just start copy/pasting from other convos.0 -
Hi my name is Nat and I have a texting problem.0
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I love texting!
I dont have a problem with it at all. I've had whole conversations in text, both with males and females. But I mean, SHORT conversations. Not big discussions.......there is only so much info you can put in a text! :huh: So I kinda think that once you've responded 3 or 4 times, then it's time to pick up the phone and talk on it.... :laugh:
I think it goes without saying that if you recieve a text that requires an answer then it is rude not to answer! Same would go for a voice mail, email, letter, whatever.
Sure, I agree that sometimes you're too busy to reply immediately, but the point of a text is that it's short and it takes seconds to shoot off a reply. But then I do realise that not all people live with their phone in arms reach and actually have better things to do. I think 24 hours is a realistic time lapse to get a response, or at least you can tell the person you just done have time to text?"So, tell me about you." Really? Can't we just have a conversation? Do I have to give you my bio in text? UGH.
Hmmm I agree that texting is an inappropriate way to get to know someone romantically!! That requires a phone call or, better still, a date!0 -
I have had religion and political debates via text before. See I can hold text conversations while at work that last the whole day. Sometimes I get a response right away and then some times it comes an hour later. You just need to get used to the ebb and flow of it with certian people. I have spilled out my love life to a guy friend through messaging in words with friends before. The only people I talk to on the phone is usually family.0
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I hate talking on the phone, luckily the person I'm seeing feels the same way. We chit chat and flirt all the time over text but save our conversations for when we actually see each other.
I don't know why it is, but I get INCREDIBLY bored talking on the phone. Doesn't matter who it is. Probably because I'm usually doing something when they call and then I have to listen to them talk at me (instead of to me) for like an hour.
But I don't think texting is really more of a game than anything else. If you call someone and leave a message, you generally expect them to call you back right? It is unfortunate like in the OPs case when people take it a little too seriously. It's different whey you ask a question and someone takes three days to answer, but when one conversation ends the next text is fair game.0 -
I have a friend who has been doing the online dating for a couple of years, and I am just dabbling in it again after a divorce in May. She informed me that you are supposed to take turns texting. For instance, if he texts me, then I'm supposed to text him next, or he may not ever text me again. I thought that was kind of silly. Until last night.
I have a lot of friends. I get several texts throughout the day. I do not always have time to reply immediately. I just assumed everyone else was the same way and would understand, and if the message is one that doesn't elicit a response, I may not take the time to respond to it.
One guy whom I was texting had previously answered a question that I asked him. His response was late, not immediate. I didn't think anything of it. I didn't get the text until the next morning (he sent it the night before when I was asleep). I figured he was working, so I didn't send anything back. Besides, he just answered a question, and his response did not prompt me to send another message. A day goes by, and I didn't hear from him again. I thought about what my friend told me (it was my turn), so I sent him a short message saying that I hoped he had a good day. He texted me back, saying he thought I wasn't interested anymore or that he had done something wrong. REALLY?
Of course then there's the one that won't stop texting me... even after I've told him I'm not interested and don't respond to his texts at all.
here's the thing, everyone feels differently about texting. to some ppl its a major way of communicating, to some people its just for chit chat.
Personally, I cannot stand when someone doesn't respond in a timely manner...like by the end of the day. I understand everyone has a life, work, chores, friends, etc. But I personally appreciate it when someone replies, even if they are busy and let me know "hey im busy can we talk about this later?". or if i've answered a question, say "ok, ttyl" something to indicate this txting convo is over lol and not to expect any more immediate replies. IDK, that's jsut me. Likewise, I show the same courtesy and am very considerate when it comes to texting. And yes if I dont hear back by the end of the day i think its rude, they're not interested, etc. you tend to make assumptions.
BUT if you don't feel that way, all u have to say is something like "nothing was wrong, it may just take me a while to respond sometimes so don't take it personally." just so u dont have any misunderstandings in the future.0 -
I need to do a better job with women about making my communication methods preferences clearer. The problem is that it is so difficult to get certain people on the phone. I like best a combination of phone calls and messages on Facebook.
The problem is that this sounds very one-sided... all about how you want to communicate and not taking into consideration the other person's preferences. You may have valid reasons for choosing one method over another, but the other person might too. Just something to remember. :flowerforyou:0 -
I'd say, on average, to establish closeness:
Date >> phone >> texting >> email >> mail (letter)
BUT different channels have got different advantages...
- Speed (at which the message travel),
- Body language (or not),
- Possibility to communicate emotions (to avoid misunderstandings),
- Reachability (how likely are they to see your message, at what speed),
- Interruption (are you disrupting their flow),
- Spontaneity (to communicate your feelings)
Etc.
Also different people react differently to different channels.
For the young-ish crowd, here is what I do:
- Texts to arrange dates (that they can pick up when they want, when they've got time, without disrupting their day, and that I'm pretty sure they're going to see - who hasn't got their mobile with them these days?). For all these reasons, it's a very casual/light hearted and low pressure way of communicating, and >>arranging<< events. Also quite spontaneous: "Hey! Just saw a dog poo that looks like your face on the pavement :-)"
- Email for links/youtube videos/pictures/events where ticket booking is necessary: people don't pick emails as often, but it's a nice way to complement an interaction via text or in person, to send "extra stuff". Less spontaneous, less casual, less fun. Still useful.
- Phone: never use it. Except when I'm running late, or when I'm lost (when the focus of the other person is on me, basically and I know I'm not interrupting anything). Dating in person + text beats phone any day, and yes, as pointed out before, people are not listening to you when they're doing something else. Useful for LDR though...
- Paper mail: good for LDR, or sprinkle a letter from time to time as a good surprise. Always nice.
- Date: well... Hands on the best one. I personally think phone conversations gimp my future dates (wasting topics on the phone, while I can't be touchy), so I normally prefer to avoid phone and date in person as much as possible. Good though if you're not seeing the person often (but I don't do LDR these days).
Guess it also depends at what stage of the dates/relationship you are. Just my $99.0 -
I think that's probably the most sensible approach these days, flimflamfloz. Now, can you have a word with the men around here? 0
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I’m not a big fan of texting for romantic relationship building, but I do use it a lot with my established friends- especially long-distance ones. I can’t have my phone at work during the day and it seems like some guys just want immediate responses to their texts and want to text allllllll day. If I get out for lunch and find a bunch of texts on my phone, yours might get missed. Or I intend to get back to it and it gets overcome by other texts.
One guy, in defense of all this texting, told me if he didn’t text all day the ladies would think he wasn’t interested. The kind of man I want most likely has enough going on all day that he probably can’t carry that convo on all day ;-).I'm a little old fashioned, too, I guess. I was taught to NEVER call a boy first. I will once we've established some sort of communication process, but not in the beginning.
Me too. I had a guy once tell me that if I wanted to talk to him, call him/text him/chat him. Don’t think something was wrong with “us” because he didn’t reach out to me first. But you know what? When he met “the one,” he had no problem showering her with daily attention.0 -
Texting happens on a phone. A phone was originally invented for people to talk to one another. The cell phone was invented for people to talk without being tethered to a landline.
Texting is far too frequently used. It is really best for the simplest of message exchanges and in no way should it be thought of as a relational development tool. I don't think text messaging has enhanced the quality of human relationships. In fact, I believe that it has de-personalized many processes and made us ruder to one another.
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
The focus should be on phone calls and your in person interactions.
To the OP-Maybe you need to let people know how you perceive texting and how you like others to communicate with you.
This is your opinion, which is great, but you come across as incredibly arrogant when you present it as though it's fact. Different people have different preferences and it's fantastic that you know what you want but a lot of people that aren't you manage just fine. (to be clear, I'm criticizing the presentation of your opinion, not your opinion in and of itself.)
Not cool to call him out. Ive seen many posts and comments from you that doesnt represent you well. I agree with David, he also is not arrogant. He is a great guy and very nice. He is way more tolerant than I am. There is nothing wrong with wanting to communicate the old fashion way. People suck today and never talk anymore cause they are always on their phone. Texting with not ever replace actually talking in person. I have dumped women cause of their texting. I wanted a relationship with her not her phone.0 -
I'm a little old fashioned, too, I guess. I was taught to NEVER call a boy first. I will once we've established some sort of communication process, but not in the beginning.
Me too. I had a guy once tell me that if I wanted to talk to him, call him/text him/chat him. Don’t think something was wrong with “us” because he didn’t reach out to me first. But you know what? When he met “the one,” he had no problem showering her with daily attention.
I agree with this soooo much.
But also in He's Just Not That Into You, Justin Long's character pretty much says the same thing - if he likes you, he will take initiative to call you. You won't have to call him.0 -
I agree with this soooo much.
But also in He's Just Not That Into You, Justin Long's character pretty much says the same thing - if he likes you, he will take initiative to call you. You won't have to call him.
YEP! That has been my experience. When a guy is super interested, he doesn't worry about who texted who first or whose turn it is, he takes the initiative and makes contact. Now the guys who just see me as plan B or option C may only call or text every once in a while.0 -
Texting happens on a phone. A phone was originally invented for people to talk to one another. The cell phone was invented for people to talk without being tethered to a landline.
Texting is far too frequently used. It is really best for the simplest of message exchanges and in no way should it be thought of as a relational development tool. I don't think text messaging has enhanced the quality of human relationships. In fact, I believe that it has de-personalized many processes and made us ruder to one another.
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
The focus should be on phone calls and your in person interactions.
To the OP-Maybe you need to let people know how you perceive texting and how you like others to communicate with you.
This is your opinion, which is great, but you come across as incredibly arrogant when you present it as though it's fact. Different people have different preferences and it's fantastic that you know what you want but a lot of people that aren't you manage just fine. (to be clear, I'm criticizing the presentation of your opinion, not your opinion in and of itself.)
Not cool to call him out. Ive seen many posts and comments from you that doesnt represent you well. I agree with David, he also is not arrogant. He is a great guy and very nice. He is way more tolerant than I am. There is nothing wrong with wanting to communicate the old fashion way. People suck today and never talk anymore cause they are always on their phone. Texting with not ever replace actually talking in person. I have dumped women cause of their texting. I wanted a relationship with her not her phone.
Well it's a good thing hypocrite man came to the rescue. Anyway, I didn't call him arrogant.0 -
The only text based form of communication that I see as having value in one on one interpersonal relationships is something that allows for longer form, non immediate messaging. Something like an email or a private message on Facebook. But even that has limited utility.
Iagree with DM. I think texting should be used for situations that doesn't require an immediate response.. For example.. "Good Morning, have a great day" Sometimes it's polite for the other person to say "Thanks, you too" whenver they get a chance, but at the same time.. it really doesn't require an immediate response.. ANything that requires a response right away.. perhaps they should call.0
