argh I want it to be official
acasey0123
Posts: 640 Member
So if you have been following me on here then you would know about mall guy. Well, we still hang out and such (and yes he has turned around....even my roomies like him now). But we are coming up to four months of I really dont know what we are. And I really like him like being his gf but why hasnt he asked me yet? its been almost four months
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Who cares about labels? If you're having a good time together, keep it going and keep it simple.0
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I know...it sounds stupid but I kinda crave that title like I HATE saying that Im single. Plus I dont know if i sound crazy for this but theres some type of ownership to it because hes SO hott like even my friends will say so and well honestly he could do like 10x better than me0
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Maybe he assumes your two are official? Or he's waiting for you to ask him (some guys assume that the woman will talk about "being in a relationship"). Or he just wants to be officially single. Until you two talk about it, you'll never know... Sorry if there's some detail that I don't know about.0
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You are into into hm or the label? Labels do nothing and guarantee nothing. Even marriage guarantees nothing and means nothing to most. Just enjoy what you have and dont chase him away with pressure about labels.0
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I know...it sounds stupid but I kinda crave that title like I HATE saying that Im single. Plus I dont know if i sound crazy for this but theres some type of ownership to it because hes SO hott like even my friends will say so and well honestly he could do like 10x better than me
Then tell people you are in a relationship if you desire the title so much. Construct your own reality! And who cares if he could do better than you? He's with you at the moment, right? Go with it! Keep it light and fun.You are into into hm or the label? Labels do nothing and guarantee nothing. Even marriage guarantees nothing and means nothing to most. Just enjoy what you have and dont chase him away with pressure about labels.
Yes, exactly. Marriage means very little to a lot of people. People also get married for the wrong reasons all the time. Sure, there is an appeal in being able to be part of a couple, but the best parts of being a couple are the times when the couple is along together, separated from outside influence.0 -
Well, we still hang out and such (and yes he has turned around....even my roomies like him now). But we are coming up to four months of I really dont know what we are. And I really like him like being his gf but why hasnt he asked me yet? its been almost four months
Is hanging out considering dating to you? Is it considered dating to him?
I would just ask him, "what do you call me to other people if they ask who I am?"
I also just assume that these days, people don't ask, "will you be my girlfriend?" You just become it after starting to steadily date someone.0 -
I love having a hot girlfriend. I can only say that I have a hot girlfriend because I asked her to be my girlfriend. Are you afraid to ask him to be your hot boyfriend?0
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I would caution you not to just "assume" you are in a "relationship." I had a guy I was seeing every/every other weekend for a couple months, and was blown away when he told me we weren't "dating."
Also, my best guy friend (who used to be quite the dog, lol, back when I was married and before he met Ms Amazing) insisted that me and a certain friend were "in a relationship" when I outlined it. I was like, "But you always say if the guy doesn't SAY you're in a relationship then it's not 'a relationship,' so this isn't a relationship " He insisted... when a guy does X, Y, and Z, he considers you in a relationship. Guess what? It was the one time (in 3 years) BGF was wrong.
If you and mall guy are having a good time without labels, then he's probably happy about things the way they are, and he probably thinks you are too. After all, you're hanging out/doing whatever willingly without any "ownership."
You're getting a lot of advice to ask him where you stand. I, personally, suspect that when (if) you do that, you'll find out that he's "not ready to be in a relationship." Which really means, he's enjoying your company but not enough to want to be in a formal relationship with you. A man who really wants to make you his girlfriend will DO IT. If you wanna give him more time to see if he'll become attached to you, my recommendation would be to leave it alone and enjoy having a good time. AT the same time, if you REALLY are looking for "a boyfriend" (and there's NOTHING wrong with that!!) then I encourage you to move on, or at the very least add some other guys back into the rotation while he makes up his mind.0 -
I say talk to him about it.. Ask him what you are doing together, ask him to be yours if that is what you want.
To me as long as we both know the rules, (if we are dating other people, only seeing each other etc...) the title doesn't make any difference.0 -
honestly he could do like 10x better than me
Eek! First step is never EVER say that out loud to him. Second step is to stop telling yourself that! You are beautiful, and obviously he likes you because you spend time together. If you beat yourself down the lack of confidence will chase away any man worth his weight in salt. I understand it's a process but honey, fake it till you make it. There's a difference between humility and low-self esteem.
As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical. When you talk about him or introduce him to someone what are you supposed to say? "This is my... friend? Uhh... person I'm sleeping with?". Besides, it's something you care about, so if he turned out to be the guy that says he doesn't like labels and prefers to let things as they are then you have to consider if that's the type of person you want to be your partner. So just ask him, but I recommend presenting it in a way that isn't possessive of him (ex: "Are you my boyfriend") and ask the opposite (ex: "Am I your girlfriend?"). Then go from there.0 -
As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical.
I've found that many guys who resist "labels" are really quick to show off "their girlfriend" when they get a woman they really like.
To OP: This does NOT mean something's wrong with you if he DOESN'T. It just means you should stop looking for that from him. Especially if you are sleeping together. If you want the man you sleep with to be "your boyfriend," then you hinder that goal by sleeping with him when he's not "your boyfriend."0 -
dont ever become someone's girlfriend because you hate being single and want the title.
if not having the title irks you so much, then its a warning sign that the thing you love most about this man is that he's going to change your facebook status and that's just not cool. He deserves to mean more than that.0 -
Nowhere in the course of this thread is it publicly shared what the relationship of the OP is like.As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical. When you talk about him or introduce him to someone what are you supposed to say?
During an introduction, something like “This is Tom.” can be said. The specifics of the relationship are no one’s business.0 -
I know...it sounds stupid but I kinda crave that title like I HATE saying that Im single. Plus I dont know if i sound crazy for this but theres some type of ownership to it because hes SO hott like even my friends will say so and well honestly he could do like 10x better than me
Really am not picking on you or trying to be mean but trust me,there is just so much wrong with this statement it makes me sad.
First off,while I agree that being single often sucks and is a challenge to self esteem just look around and realize that being with someone for the reason of not being alone usually is much worse.
Second,there should never be a situation where he "owns" you and by this I mean your character.
I know you probably don`t intend to mean it this way but you are saying that because he is so hot in your opinion you will sacrifice your individuality to be with him.
Sorry but that is a road to ruin for you.
I think you have a deep self esteem problem and you are looking at this as "the fix"...it is not,it is a trap.
If he said you were his girlfriend and yet remained emotionally distant and aloof you will never be strong enough to break free of where you are putting yourself.:flowerforyou:0 -
dont ever become someone's girlfriend because you hate being single and want the title.
if not having the title irks you so much, then its a warning sign that the thing you love most about this man is that he's going to change your facebook status and that's just not cool. He deserves to mean more than that.
Yoovie (great progress by the way!), I agree with the principle behind what you are saying, but I do not agree there is anything wrong with the OP wanting the man she’s been seeing/sleeping with for 4 months to be her “boyfriend.”
It is very important to many women in this country that the man they are sleeping with is exclusive in that relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. If that is something OP wants, then I see nothing wrong with her insisting upon it. That said, she has to be prepared for him to leave. Because that’s what happens in many of the cases like this I hear about where the woman thinks by now they should be “a couple,” but he’s getting everything he wants (doesn’t have to be sex- could be companionship) without that title.
I have heard a few cases where women said, “I will no longer date you exclusively unless we are a committed couple,” and the man liked her enough to stay. But most of the times my friends are running crying to me about how he did them wrong. No, you did yourself wrong by behaving like he was your boyfriend without requiring him to actually BE your boyfriend.0 -
dont ever become someone's girlfriend because you hate being single and want the title.
if not having the title irks you so much, then its a warning sign that the thing you love most about this man is that he's going to change your facebook status and that's just not cool. He deserves to mean more than that.
Oof, I totally missed that part. Good point.During an introduction, something like “This is Tom.” can be said. The specifics of the relationship are no one’s business.
If I was introducing someone that I cared about (to the level of gf/bf) to other people that I care about labels are a pretty accurate way to convey exactly what someone/thing is. "This is Tom" doesn't tell them that I like this guy and he's going to be around for a while and I really hope they like him because I want him to be part of my life. You're right, it's not their business, unless I want to include them in my life. Even with strangers it's a simple way to say "I know this guys great looking but he's not on the market" without having to be possessive. Titles and labels serve a purpose in society, they express meaning. It's "Dr. ____" not "Person who spent ten years in school to learn medicine ____" which is a distinguishing factor from "Random person on the street that may or may not be able to cure diseases".
On top of that labels will exist whether we want them to or not. They condense what could be otherwise complicated situations into one easy to say and comprehend form. Labels are not chains of bondage, they are clear simple communication. What's to hate?0 -
I know...it sounds stupid but I kinda crave that title like I HATE saying that Im single. Plus I dont know if i sound crazy for this but theres some type of ownership to it because hes SO hott like even my friends will say so and well honestly he could do like 10x better than me
Oh honey. This statement just makes me sad. :ohwell:0 -
Nowhere in the course of this thread is it publicly shared what the relationship of the OP is like.As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical. When you talk about him or introduce him to someone what are you supposed to say?
During an introduction, something like “This is Tom.” can be said. The specifics of the relationship are no one’s business.
Until someone says, "Oh, hi, Tom, are you Jane's boyfriend?"It is very important to many women in this country that the man they are sleeping with is exclusive in that relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting that. If that is something OP wants, then I see nothing wrong with her insisting upon it. That said, she has to be prepared for him to leave. Because that’s what happens in many of the cases like this I hear about where the woman thinks by now they should be “a couple,” but he’s getting everything he wants (doesn’t have to be sex- could be companionship) without that title.
I have heard a few cases where women said, “I will no longer date you exclusively unless we are a committed couple,” and the man liked her enough to stay. But most of the times my friends are running crying to me about how he did them wrong. No, you did yourself wrong by behaving like he was your boyfriend without requiring him to actually BE your boyfriend.
This is exactly what I would have said.Labels are not chains of bondage, they are clear simple communication. What's to hate?
I agree.0 -
Nowhere in the course of this thread is it publicly shared what the relationship of the OP is like.As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical. When you talk about him or introduce him to someone what are you supposed to say?
During an introduction, something like “This is Tom.” can be said. The specifics of the relationship are no one’s business.
Until someone says, "Oh, hi, Tom, are you Jane's boyfriend?"
That question can be answered simply. Tom can say that they've got a great relationship that works well for both of them. As long as it is said with confidence and certainty, no one is going to ask follow up questions.Even with strangers it's a simple way to say "I know this guys great looking but he's not on the market" without having to be possessive. Titles and labels serve a purpose in society, they express meaning. It's "Dr. ____" not "Person who spent ten years in school to learn medicine ____" which is a distinguishing factor from "Random person on the street that may or may not be able to cure diseases".
On top of that labels will exist whether we want them to or not. They condense what could be otherwise complicated situations into one easy to say and comprehend form. Labels are not chains of bondage, they are clear simple communication. What's to hate?
I do not discount labels at all. I like them in my own personal life, but it is usually clear in my behavior and communication. The OP's relationship has taken on a different tone than I usually like to have in my own. There's an art to the define the relationship kind of chat. One doesn't want to interrupt the flow of a good thing, but uncertainty can be a bad thing is one allows it to be a bad thing. I don't envy the mindset of the OP at all.0 -
That question can be answered simply. Tom can say that they've got a great relationship that works well for both of them. As long as it is said with confidence and certainty, no one is going to ask follow up questions.
To me, that answer sounds like a cop out. Most people would look at the girl and think "oh you poor thing, you're with a guy who doesn't even want to call you his girlfriend" or they would wonder "what the hell does that mean?"
Throw a label on it or don't throw a label on it - but the couple (can I label it as that or not??) should be in agreement as to what the relationship is.
It's just a title. Boyfriend. Why not call it like it is?0 -
I agree completely - its entirely different needing him to BE your boyfriend and/or your brand of commitment and needing to be allowed to CALL HIM THAT IN PUBLIC. that's the difference I meant.
A commitment doesnt require a title and a title doesnt equal commitment
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Exactly!That question can be answered simply. Tom can say that they've got a great relationship that works well for both of them. As long as it is said with confidence and certainty, no one is going to ask follow up questions.
To me, that answer sounds like a cop out. Most people would look at the girl and think "oh you poor thing, you're with a guy who doesn't even want to call you his girlfriend"
I, personally, think the man in question *IS* calling it like it is. It’s a situation where the young lady feels so insecure about herself that she is willing to put up with a relationship that is not meeting her needs because the guy is hot and being his public girlfriend will make her feel better about herself. OP if I’m wrong, please correct me- and know that all this is being said with love and best wishes for you.It's just a title. Boyfriend. Why not call it like it is?
This, IMHO, is a big problem in relationships: One person wants to be in a committed relationship, but does not think s/he is worthy of it, so s/he grasps for any little thing that even pretends to be “a relationship” and then feels even worse when the person s/he’s been with for months (or even years) dumps him/her and suddenly marries “the one.”0 -
I, personally, think the man in question *IS* calling it like it is. It’s a situation where the young lady feels so insecure about herself that she is willing to put up with a relationship that is not meeting her needs because the guy is hot and being his public girlfriend will make her feel better about herself. OP if I’m wrong, please correct me- and know that all this is being said with love and best wishes for you.It's just a title. Boyfriend. Why not call it like it is?
This, IMHO, is a big problem in relationships: One person wants to be in a committed relationship, but does not think s/he is worthy of it, so s/he grasps for any little thing that even pretends to be “a relationship” and then feels even worse when the person s/he’s been with for months (or even years) dumps him/her and suddenly marries “the one.”
Oh yeah, I did word that weird - I didn't mean for this instance, but in general. I do agree with what you wrote though.
If you're giving him everything you get in a relationship, and you don't get to be his girlfriend, something that you want, get out of there as fast as you can. There is nothing wrong with asking him to be your boyfriend, but you might not get the answer that you want. But clearly you're not happy right now so I would ask.0 -
I agree completely - its entirely different needing him to BE your boyfriend and/or your brand of commitment and needing to be allowed to CALL HIM THAT IN PUBLIC. that's the difference I meant.
A commitment doesnt require a title and a title doesnt equal commitment
Yes!!
What happens inside the relationship matters more than the "public relations" or outward facing component of it.0 -
Nowhere in the course of this thread is it publicly shared what the relationship of the OP is like.As far as all the people saying "Labels are nothing" it's is cute and all, and I get that it's a big thing now to reject labeling and whatnot, but it's not very practical. When you talk about him or introduce him to someone what are you supposed to say?
During an introduction, something like “This is Tom.” can be said. The specifics of the relationship are no one’s business.
Until someone says, "Oh, hi, Tom, are you Jane's boyfriend?"
That question can be answered simply. Tom can say that they've got a great relationship that works well for both of them. As long as it is said with confidence and certainty, no one is going to ask follow up questions.Even with strangers it's a simple way to say "I know this guys great looking but he's not on the market" without having to be possessive. Titles and labels serve a purpose in society, they express meaning. It's "Dr. ____" not "Person who spent ten years in school to learn medicine ____" which is a distinguishing factor from "Random person on the street that may or may not be able to cure diseases".
On top of that labels will exist whether we want them to or not. They condense what could be otherwise complicated situations into one easy to say and comprehend form. Labels are not chains of bondage, they are clear simple communication. What's to hate?
I do not discount labels at all. I like them in my own personal life, but it is usually clear in my behavior and communication. The OP's relationship has taken on a different tone than I usually like to have in my own. There's an art to the define the relationship kind of chat. One doesn't want to interrupt the flow of a good thing, but uncertainty can be a bad thing is one allows it to be a bad thing. I don't envy the mindset of the OP at all.
I wasn't talking about the mindset of the OP, I was disagreeing with the peeps that were saying labels are bad/unnecessary. Sure you can use a ton of words and body language to express something... or you can use a predetermined label that doesn't require and elaborate dance. That's all I was saying.
But yes, I do agree, the feelings and the reality of the relationship are more important than anything. I just don't think there's any problem with convenient labels.0 -
Who cares about labels? If you're having a good time together, keep it going and keep it simple.
THIS!!!0 -
I, personally, think the man in question *IS* calling it like it is. It’s a situation where the young lady feels so insecure about herself that she is willing to put up with a relationship that is not meeting her needs because the guy is hot and being his public girlfriend will make her feel better about herself. OP if I’m wrong, please correct me- and know that all this is being said with love and best wishes for you.
This, IMHO, is a big problem in relationships: One person wants to be in a committed relationship, but does not think s/he is worthy of it, so s/he grasps for any little thing that even pretends to be “a relationship” and then feels even worse when the person s/he’s been with for months (or even years) dumps him/her and suddenly marries “the one.”
I agree with Janie, having made this mistake myself. I was with someone for 8 months. He would sit in my house snuggled up on the couch saying things that I assumed meant we HAD a relationship (but never spoke of), only to find out he had plenty of other action going on and told them we were just sleeping together. Men who are serious don't necessarily need to define everything yet when they don't... it kinda tells you what they're thinking already.
I do think it sounds like a self-esteem issue, OP, and I say that facing the same battle. I let the guy above come back a million times because he was that HOT guy that all the girls in the office wanted (and unbeknownst to me, had). He made me feel good in private, but that's where it ended, and while I recognized it, I deluded myself into thinking SOME attention was better than none, especially since he was wanted by so many others. Funny thing is, when I FINALLY worked on being OK with me and really kicked him to the curb, he came running back a million times begging ME for another chance... funny how it works that way?!0 -
That question can be answered simply. Tom can say that they've got a great relationship that works well for both of them. As long as it is said with confidence and certainty, no one is going to ask follow up questions.
I usually like what you have to say, but I disagree with this one. I think that answer just begs for more clarification and the person walking away is gonna go, "ooooookay...." and think you're a weirdo.
If a label must be used during introduction and one does not know where the relationship stands, then use "friend." If the other person in the relationship doesn't like it, well, then that is a good time to talk about it and figure out what you are and aren't.
The OP's post reminds me of when I met a guy at Cedar Point when I was about 15. His name was Carlos and he was in the Marines (yep, he was robbing the cradle that day...). He was tall, dark and handsome, and Puerto Rican. He held my hand while walking around the park for the rest of the day and man, did I feel so proud, esp. when I kept catching other girls (and women) checking him out!!! But that's not really relevant here. I just suddenly felt like sharing it. (Maybe Carlos is on MFP somewhere......hmmmmmmm.....)
Like others have said, ask yourself if you want the relationship because you really want the relationship, or because you want the status of a relationship. I know for me, regardless of the hotness factor, if I was seeing the same man for months and not seeing anyone else, and if I was sure he wasn't either, I would have to know 'what we were' as well, and where things were headed.0 -
Why don't you ask him? Seriously? Why don't you just be upfront with him!0
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I feel like its different of what we have vs being in a relationship because he knows that hes not "demanded" to do anything like come over to my apartment when Im not feeling well and I cant call him freaking out at him about something because thats over stepping I feel it0
