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Why do I do this to myself??

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kerrymh
kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
in Social Groups
Ok why do I go out with a guy that I have luke warm vibes towards when I get the impression that he will be very into me? Ego??
I had a date with a gentleman tonight, we had spoken on the phone a few times, quirky but sweet and a strong accent and weird sense of humour. I thought I'll meet him...no harm right? UGH, he had my hand in his from the get go and wouldn't stop reaching for me and telling me that he found the one all night..and I let him kiss me..all the while thinking how am I going to get out of this? I just don't want to be that ***** in the moment...that one who publicly rejects him. But at the same time..Now he thinks the date went GREAT. When in my head I'm like I don't want to drive him home..because I find out he has no car. (more that I don't want him to try and grope me in my car...but a 38 yo man with no car?)..anyway does anyone else do this?? Just to not deal with conflict? I knew he wouldn't do anything dangerous..and I wouldn't have let my fear of conflict get in the way of my safety. I know I can't let it go past tonight but I really don't want to deal with it..I so understand why some people just don't call back now. lol I'm a wimp :(
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  • NCTravellingGirl
    NCTravellingGirl Posts: 717 Member
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    My first date from POF was like that. I wasn't exactly using him for a meal, but he did spend $10 on the both of us. I think I just wanted to get back out there and he seemed like a good place to start... practice if you will. When he suggested we leave the pizza place to go get a drink somewhere, I realized I'd let him have some hope so I made clear that the slice of pizza was enough. Luckily he took the hint and just hugged me goodnight and didn't call again.

    I don't think I could have kissed him (and even had that thought, of OMG what if he tries, ugh...) and let it go that far. Why do you think you did that?

    And, a 38 year old without a car... wow... Kerry, you can do better! Don't accept someone you KNOW is not right!
  • RMuske
    RMuske Posts: 271 Member
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    I went on a first date with someone hiking. Afterward we went for lunch and I was not interested at this point.. He practically trapped me and kissed me goodbye.

    I could not escape with out being super mean/harsh so I let him kiss me once. I texted him a few hours later telling him I was not interested in seeing him again. The End.
  • SouthernSweetie74
    SouthernSweetie74 Posts: 844
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    No. I"m just a B*&^%. If I don't get a good vibe, I don't talk to them, much less go out with them. And if I do go out with them, and I don't think it's going to work, I just tell them.


    You're probably just a lot nicer than I am. :wink: :flowerforyou:
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    But at the same time..Now he thinks the date went GREAT. When in my head I'm like I don't want to drive him home
    ...
    does anyone else do this?? Just to not deal with conflict?

    Usually if a guy tries to kiss/make out and I'm not feeling it I will back up. It will be obvious. Usually they don't say anything, just leave. I've had a couple ask me why, and I've been honest with them (usually it's "I don't make out with guys I'm not in a relationship with.")

    But now you understand how so many times people make you feel like you had a great first date and then just poof.
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
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    And, a 38 year old without a car... wow... Kerry, you can do better! Don't accept someone you KNOW is not right!

    Lol I know..that did not come up until the actual date in the middle as I just assumed he has a job ect. He was alittle close mouthed about the details on that. And really its not my business if he just wants a first date...but anywhere else I'm not a taxi service and I want an equal partner..

    Anyway I'll try to figure out how to word things for when he calls tonight..I just feel like that was so stupid of me because if I had backed off I wouldn't be hurting his feelings worse now..I shouldn't have given him false hope.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    As long as you knew you were safe taking him home was a polite thing to do,I wouldn`t be beating yourself up over it.
    When he calls I would suggest a very simple and also polite "Listen,I just don`t think I click with you and don`t want to lead you on" or similar to that.
    My gut feeling is that if you try to put any positive on it such as "You are a great guy but..." then it will draw it out longer and cause more hurt.
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
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    As long as you knew you were safe taking him home was a polite thing to do,I wouldn`t be beating yourself up over it.
    When he calls I would suggest a very simple and also polite "Listen,I just don`t think I click with you and don`t want to lead you on" or similar to that.
    My gut feeling is that if you try to put any positive on it such as "You are a great guy but..." then it will draw it out longer and cause more hurt.

    Thanks Carl,
    I was thinking the same thing as in the past when I attempted to do it the nice way it really draged on..the guy would keep trying to convince me that I should want to date him.
    Sometimes its just not a match. I know I've felt sad when I've connected and the other person didn't...but I won't lower myself to begging..that is pathetic. I've had men beg...thats not bragging its just weird what makes people do that. Anyway I will just say I'm sorry if I led you on with my behaviour but I don't see this going anywhere. And all the best in the future.

    Now to not repeat this again..and to just learn from that lesson.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    Ok why do I go out with a guy that I have luke warm vibes towards when I get the impression that he will be very into me? Ego??
    I had a date with a gentleman tonight, we had spoken on the phone a few times, quirky but sweet and a strong accent and weird sense of humour. I thought I'll meet him...no harm right? UGH, he had my hand in his from the get go and wouldn't stop reaching for me and telling me that he found the one all night..and I let him kiss me..all the while thinking how am I going to get out of this? I just don't want to be that ***** in the moment...that one who publicly rejects him. But at the same time..Now he thinks the date went GREAT. When in my head I'm like I don't want to drive him home..because I find out he has no car. (more that I don't want him to try and grope me in my car...but a 38 yo man with no car?)..anyway does anyone else do this?? Just to not deal with conflict? I knew he wouldn't do anything dangerous..and I wouldn't have let my fear of conflict get in the way of my safety. I know I can't let it go past tonight but I really don't want to deal with it..I so understand why some people just don't call back now. lol I'm a wimp :(

    You're a nice person that doesnt want to offend anybody. It's not a bad thing really, unless you begin to feel taken advantage of? Then you needs to get assertive and practice saying 'no'! It's not easy though. As long as you didnt feel threatened, then there's no harm done :flowerforyou:
  • SweetBasil35
    SweetBasil35 Posts: 126 Member
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    Ok why do I go out with a guy that I have luke warm vibes towards when I get the impression that he will be very into me? Ego??
    I had a date with a gentleman tonight, we had spoken on the phone a few times, quirky but sweet and a strong accent and weird sense of humour. I thought I'll meet him...no harm right? UGH, he had my hand in his from the get go and wouldn't stop reaching for me and telling me that he found the one all night..and I let him kiss me..all the while thinking how am I going to get out of this? I just don't want to be that ***** in the moment...that one who publicly rejects him. But at the same time..Now he thinks the date went GREAT. When in my head I'm like I don't want to drive him home..because I find out he has no car. (more that I don't want him to try and grope me in my car...but a 38 yo man with no car?)..anyway does anyone else do this?? Just to not deal with conflict? I knew he wouldn't do anything dangerous..and I wouldn't have let my fear of conflict get in the way of my safety. I know I can't let it go past tonight but I really don't want to deal with it..I so understand why some people just don't call back now. lol I'm a wimp :(

    Sounds like you're suffering from a bad case of "the nice girl". :wink: I use to have that, too... lol! It gets us into all kinds of trouble, doesn't it? Chalk this up to an unparalleled "learning" and start over fresh with your next date. :flowerforyou:
  • SweetBasil35
    SweetBasil35 Posts: 126 Member
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    As long as you knew you were safe taking him home was a polite thing to do,I wouldn`t be beating yourself up over it.
    When he calls I would suggest a very simple and also polite "Listen,I just don`t think I click with you and don`t want to lead you on" or similar to that.
    My gut feeling is that if you try to put any positive on it such as "You are a great guy but..." then it will draw it out longer and cause more hurt.

    I think you should consider a more direct approach, if you're up to it: "I know I gave you the wrong impression, the truth is that you came on very strongly and I was uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle myself, so I mistakenly went along with it. I can see that our personalities are not compatible, but I wish you the best." There's no way for him to argue with that! Well, I suppose some people can find anything to argue with... :huh: Good luck, sweetie!
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
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    "I know I gave you the wrong impression, the truth is that you came on very strongly and I was uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle myself, so I mistakenly went along with it. I can see that our personalities are not compatible, but I wish you the best."
    [


    I might just copy and paste this and use it lol
  • DMZ_1
    DMZ_1 Posts: 2,889 Member
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    I went on a first date with someone hiking. Afterward we went for lunch and I was not interested at this point.. He practically trapped me and kissed me goodbye.

    I could not escape with out being super mean/harsh so I let him kiss me once. I texted him a few hours later telling him I was not interested in seeing him again. The End.
    and I let him kiss me..all the while thinking how am I going to get out of this? I just don't want to be that ***** in the moment...that one who publicly rejects him.
    Sounds like you're suffering from a bad case of "the nice girl". :wink: I use to have that, too... lol! It gets us into all kinds of trouble, doesn't it? Chalk this up to an unparalleled "learning" and start over fresh with your next date. :flowerforyou:

    There is a common theme in these quotes. Women need to learn public rejection better. Men want clear signals. A public rejection is less hurtful than a kiss followed by a weak text later that signals the opposite of a kiss. Guys do not perceive this as “nice”. We perceive this as being two faced. A woman who does a public rejection in person has our respect more than someone who is nice to our face and does a mamby pamby rejection behind some technological device.
  • poncho33
    poncho33 Posts: 1,511
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    all of my online dates but 1 were stretches... not to sound cocky, but they would of had to blow me away on the date for it to go anywhere. I think I did it because I felt I needed to be dating at that time. There really wasn't a good reason and it probably wasn't fair to them, I had no thoughts of a date #2, I didn't even care to sleep with them, and to be honest I wasn't excited about the dates at all. So anyway your not alone.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    A public rejection is less hurtful than a kiss followed by a weak text later that signals the opposite of a kiss. Guys do not perceive this as “nice”. We perceive this as being two faced. A woman who does a public rejection in person has our respect more than someone who is nice to our face and does a mamby pamby rejection behind some technological device.

    This is what my bgf told me when I first started dating, and it has served me well. At first it was hard to be more direct with guys, because I didn't like to feel like such a meanie, but now I think it's better than giving them false hope.
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
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    There is a common theme in these quotes. Women need to learn public rejection better. Men want clear signals. A public rejection is less hurtful than a kiss followed by a weak text later that signals the opposite of a kiss. Guys do not perceive this as “nice”. We perceive this as being two faced. A woman who does a public rejection in person has our respect more than someone who is nice to our face and does a mamby pamby rejection behind some technological device.

    Perhaps this is true. At the same time, some men need to be better about picking up on women's signals of non-interest too. Then the attempted kiss (or whatever awkwardness) wouldn't occur and there is no need for this whole scene at all.
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,439 Member
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    There is a common theme in these quotes. Women need to learn public rejection better. Men want clear signals. A public rejection is less hurtful than a kiss followed by a weak text later that signals the opposite of a kiss. Guys do not perceive this as “nice”. We perceive this as being two faced. A woman who does a public rejection in person has our respect more than someone who is nice to our face and does a mamby pamby rejection behind some technological device.

    Good point DM, but the same can be said for men to women! Public rejections are difficult for most people.

    I know we can only go by our own experience, but I've had a date when I thought we got on really, really well. Been kissed and cuddled and never heard from him again........... :ohwell:
  • SweetBasil35
    SweetBasil35 Posts: 126 Member
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    Sounds like you're suffering from a bad case of "the nice girl". :wink: I use to have that, too... lol! It gets us into all kinds of trouble, doesn't it? Chalk this up to an unparalleled "learning" and start over fresh with your next date. :flowerforyou:
    There is a common theme in these quotes. Women need to learn public rejection better. Men want clear signals. A public rejection is less hurtful than a kiss followed by a weak text later that signals the opposite of a kiss. Guys do not perceive this as “nice”. We perceive this as being two faced. A woman who does a public rejection in person has our respect more than someone who is nice to our face and does a mamby pamby rejection behind some technological device.

    Some women - and men - are "people pleasers". It is very difficult for some women to set boundaries, with men in particular (but not solely). That is what I was referring to as a case of the "nice girl". I would never imply that what happened was actually "nice" - it was unfair and it got her into a real pickle... I think she sees that now and there's no point in rubbing her nose in it.
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
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    The funny thing is that in most other aspects of my life I am soooo not a people pleaser but in the initial stages of dating I'm seeing a pattern. Something to work on for the next time.
  • La_Amazona
    La_Amazona Posts: 4,855 Member
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    I'm not rude about it when I'm not interested but I'm obvious. I sit further, if he tries to hold my hand I will hesitate and say I don't want to, if he triesto kiss me I will say no. All polite but no mixed signals. Mixed signals for me suck so I don't want to do that to someone else.
    On the contrary when I'm interested it's obvious by my body language. I bat my eyelashes, sit close, touch their arm, smile while looking into their eyes, blush... Yup, I can't hide it!
  • kerrymh
    kerrymh Posts: 912 Member
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    Thanks for your responses..I did communicate that I had made the mistake of not knowing how to react to his intensity..and that I apologize for leading him on.
    He understood he said that he did come on very strong and he felt that he could understand that I want to take it at a different speed and was open to me calling the shots...well thats good as I'm not calling any more shots with this man.
    Lesson LEARNED.

    No more people pleasing during dating..ugh that's just trouble all around.

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