Fake It Til Ya Make It

krissyd100

Kind of new to this group, so I apologize that I am using as a vent before you even know me, but I kinda feel like I don't have a platform to get this off my chest without people thinking I'm insane!

So, I started this journey (about a week ago) like a pouting teenager, dragging myself kicking and screaming into a healthier lifestyle. And it kills me. I'm almost 43yrs old, I have been overweight (if not obese) my entire adult life. I have been on and off diets (including the healthy lifestyle changes) so many times that I feel like I could write the book. why, Why, WHY have I been so rebellious, stubborn, self-sabatoging, any other word that describes not wanting to do it, for so long!? I have such good reasons to be healthy, first and foremost my beautiful little 4yr old boy that deserves a mother that will be encouraging in an active lifestyle, a husband who adores me and supports me at any weight, a newly acquired masters degree in a field I love, and finally, my "self" reason, my body is finally starting to show the wear and tear of a lifetime of overeating. I KNOW all this, why don't I whole-heartedly jump into something I know will prolong my life and improve my quality of life. I guess if I had the answer, I would either be rich or at least not overweight.

When I finally started, it was months and months of my husband begging me to, so that he wouldn't be doing it alone. You see, since we have been married, it's like he's in a race to catch up with me...gaining about 50lbs. Although I don't have any health problems yet (diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.) he does. I would be lying if I didn't admit to a level of guilt, even though I am ultimately not responsible for his weight. Anyway, I decided "enough is enough" and to just do it already. So, again, you get a sense for the defiance I am still dealing with. I decided to take a "fake it til ya make it" attitude, meaning I would go through the motions of getting healthy, hoping my desire would catch up with me. Now after a week, I have lost 7lbs and of course it feels great. But I'm scared. Maybe that's what it boils down to, big 'ole scaredy cat. I've done this before, lost considerable amounts of weight, always to return. I haven't figured out how not to let myself become a statistic, you know...85% of people that lose weight re-gain it and then some (or something like that), and I'm really just scared of failing....again.

Sheesh...I guess I have a lot to think about now ;-)

Gitn_Fit

Krissy -

I've been "dieting" since I was 13. I'd have some success here and there, and of course gain it all back and then some. At most I'd lose about 20-30 pounds, and then just give up, give in. There was a time in college where I got some pretty terrible news and my immediate thoughts was "guess I'll go shove a pizza down my throat, that'll show them!".. and I was like holy crap, what was that thought!?!

I've tried making little changes here and there.. example: this week I will take a vitamin every day and not eat fast food. It was slow going and it worked for a while, but ultimately that didn't do it for me either.

All I can say is that for me something eventually "clicked" in my mind. That was last October. I wish i could describe it in some meaningful way, but it eludes me. Besides that, what clicked for me I'm sure doens't work for others. It was just this big "a-ha!". Since then I've lost about 60 pounds, and let me tell you, I have fallen off the wagon. In the beginning I'd do good for 2 weeks, then have 2 off weeks. Mid-February I fell off for 2 months and didn't start again until mid April. But the whole time it was in my head.

For me... it was to stop pushing so hard. So many of us are perfectionists and if we fail one thing we are like screw it! I already failed! Or if we can't push as hard or lose as quickly as we like, that's fail. So I started viewing it as... "I need to put my tries closer together". So instead of falling off for 6 months or 8 months, I try again sooner.
I also looked up substitutions for my favorite foods. It depends on what way you want your diet, but for me I try to stay away from grains and simple carbs so I make turnip french fries, meatloaf with zucchini and carrot, lean turkey or chicken instead of so much red meat, hamburger (squishing and blotting most of the grease out) without a bun, spaghetti with spaghetti squash or zucchini noodles instead of pasta, Even lasagna I make with strip peels of zucchini instead of pasta sheets. I tried new things like cottage cheese, broccoli slaw salad, smoothies, coconut milk. And subbed out some full fat with lower fat as long as the sugar wasn't increased... like 2% cheese as an example. And found some high fiber/low carb tortillas that I can use in wraps, as a pizza crust, for tacos, chicken quesadillas, make "chips" out of, etc.

Also i allow myself 1-2 "indulge" meals per week that I can eat whatever the hell I want

And I did some mental/emotional work on myself too. I'm still exploring this area but I've come far. If I get a craving to drive down to the local pub to grab a burger and fries, I ask myself why? Am I hungry? Did something emotional just happen? Am I stressed?
I was finding that the time I craved fast food, greasy food, whatever the most was if I allowed myself to get too hungry, had a fight with the boyfriend, or I was insanely stressed from life circumstances coming down at once.
I realized that I didn't give a crap about my appearance because I was mad that people judge the quality of person you are based on your appearance. I was mad that so many men wouldn't give a thought to dating me because I was fat, so I just said I'd rather be fat and happy eating whatever I want because unless I'm a perfect body that you see all over advertisements, models, celebs, porn girls, then I'm not going to be wanted anyway and screw them for missing out on wonderful me if they can't see past it.
I realized I stuffed myself with food because then I felt full, whatever void there was, was being filled with food and I liked that feeling instead of owning up to what I have done to myself over the years and dealing with why I had that void in the first place.

I stopped whining about all the crap that life handed me when I was too young to know how to deal with it, and started taking responsibility for it now because now I CAN do something.

I still get scared about how life might be different when I'm thinner. I still get worried about the attention I may draw from men and how it'll piss me off that now they'll look because I'm an "acceptable" figure.
But overall, I'm just sick and tired of being fat. Fat doesn't define who I am, its something on my body, it is not my body, it is not me. I have fat. I really hate it, seeing it there, my stomach sitting there sticking out, resting on my legs, it getting in the way of me doing stuff I want to do. I don't want to use it as an excuse to not participate in life anymore.
Yeah, I blamed my fat for almost all of my problems and if the fat is gone and i still have problems - who am I going to blame? Myself? Maybe guys weren't rejecting me because of my weight, maybe they were rejecting me because I suck as a person. That thought always scared me and never wanted to go down that road, so as long as I was fat, I could blame the fat. Well... I've gotten to the point that if I find out other people think I suck as a person, so be it, at least I won't hate myself anymore. So now I just hate the fat, and its gotta go.

So maybe that helps a lil?

krissyd100

Helped A LOT! Thank you so much for sharing your "stuff" with me. Makes a lot of sense and makes me think about a lot of things. One day at a time, at this point. But I have to start waking myself up, you know? It's not that I lie to myself, but it's more like a fog I have been living in and I really need to clear it out. I know I'm fat, I just need to own that I'm fat and do something about it. Thanks again, it really made be feel better.