Struggling
bregalad5
Posts: 3,965 Member
I recently moved to Korea for a job. I'm teaching at a small school with only 7 teachers. 5 of us actually live at the school in little studio apartments in the building. 2 of the teachers are a married couple who kind of keep to themselves. Then there's me, and 2 guys.
Well, basically, I hit it off really well with one of the guys, who happens to be absolutely gorgeous, smart, great body (he was a trainer, and has worked construction - need I say more?). Anyway, there's not much to do in small town Korea other than drink. One night last week we were sitting around drinking. One thing lead to another, and I'll just stop there. This happened a second time a few nights later. There's usually at least a couple small (sober!) kisses every day, and one night I stayed in his room without anything happening. I've explained to him that I'm not usually like this (I'm seriously not), and he's said the same about himself.
The issue is, he's super busy. Between working full-time and getting a Master's, he doesn't have time for anyone other than himself, really. He's kind of making time for me, but sometimes I feel as if I'm imposing (he tells me I'm not, but that's how I am). He's told me I can stop by any time to talk and hang out, have a drink, whatever. We've discussed things, and decided to just see what happens, but I'm someone who gets emotionally attached very easily (the reason I'm not usually like this, heh). We both say we have no regrets about anything that has happened.
I can't avoid him - he lives next door and I only have him and the other guy here in terms of friends at the moment. He's been really honest with me about everything, and I have been with him. I like the guy a lot, and he likes me, he's just so damn busy and doesn't want to hurt me because of it
Anyway, sorry for the long post. I guess I just want to know if anyone has any advice about what I can do to keep myself from going crazy.
Well, basically, I hit it off really well with one of the guys, who happens to be absolutely gorgeous, smart, great body (he was a trainer, and has worked construction - need I say more?). Anyway, there's not much to do in small town Korea other than drink. One night last week we were sitting around drinking. One thing lead to another, and I'll just stop there. This happened a second time a few nights later. There's usually at least a couple small (sober!) kisses every day, and one night I stayed in his room without anything happening. I've explained to him that I'm not usually like this (I'm seriously not), and he's said the same about himself.
The issue is, he's super busy. Between working full-time and getting a Master's, he doesn't have time for anyone other than himself, really. He's kind of making time for me, but sometimes I feel as if I'm imposing (he tells me I'm not, but that's how I am). He's told me I can stop by any time to talk and hang out, have a drink, whatever. We've discussed things, and decided to just see what happens, but I'm someone who gets emotionally attached very easily (the reason I'm not usually like this, heh). We both say we have no regrets about anything that has happened.
I can't avoid him - he lives next door and I only have him and the other guy here in terms of friends at the moment. He's been really honest with me about everything, and I have been with him. I like the guy a lot, and he likes me, he's just so damn busy and doesn't want to hurt me because of it
Anyway, sorry for the long post. I guess I just want to know if anyone has any advice about what I can do to keep myself from going crazy.
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Replies
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To be a little brutally honest here, I think he likes you enough to have fooled around a bit but not enough to consider a relationship with you.
Maybe he's thinking future - I'm presuming you both aren't planning to stay there forever? Then what? He finishes his masters and moves back to where he came from and goes on with his life with some fun memories.
Maybe he just doesn't feel it for you - whatever it is to make him want to try for a relationship while all this stuff is going on in his life (work and study) - I mean, come on... he lives right next door! It's not like you'd be wasting half an hour on the road to see each other.
I've heard numerous times that if a man is really interested in a woman, if he really thinks she could be the one, nothing will stop him from doing what he can to be with her. This guy isn't doing that. You're not the one for him. He also is probably feeling the loneliness of being in a foreign country with nothing to do but drinking and hanging out with this one other guy and this girl he likes enough to hang out with and maybe a little more.
What can you do? I don't know, but I think it starts with a reality check about the situation; if you are the kind to get emotionally invested, as you say (and I would be the same), don't let one thing lead to another anymore. It sounds like you'll need to keep things friendly because of your close living arrangements and lack of a good social network there. Find people online to hang out with to keep busy with. Probably an added challenge for you being in that time zone, but there's always someone awake online.0 -
I completely agree with Mellie. It's gonna be difficult but you have to make a decision. If you're gonna get emotionally attached, it's better to keep it friendly now. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a letdown later on down the road. Best of luck to you.0
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I'm sorry; your situation sounds hard. I also agree with the sentiment that a person is never too busy if they're actually interested in pursuing something real. Being alone in a new country can be so isolating (which you've indicated you realize) and feeling isolated can lead to idealizing people when they don't necessarily deserve it. I'd hate for your heart to hurt more than it already seems to.0
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Thanks. I needed to hear that, as hard as it is.
Though, he's expressed a fear of relationships right now, because he tried to have one with a girl when he first started his Master's, and it ended very, very bad due to time constraints. He said that experience reminds him why he's single (his words). I can't help but wonder if that's at the core of this, y'know? Like I said, we've discussed a lot... anyway...
I should also have maybe added that he's been in the country for 4 years now, so he's pretty set up here.
Jules: this is actually the exact kind of guy I've been looking for, for a very long time, haha. It's honestly not idealization (I'm always the first to admit when it actually is). Well, other than the busy stuff.0 -
I dont really know what more you expect right now?? It's only been 2 dates?? Did you want him to move in with you or declare his undying love for you. Or marraige??
Seems a bit soon to be going crazy over a couple of shags? :noway: Why dont you just play it by ear and have fun? :bigsmile: It takes months to know a person and even establish if you have anything in common. Chill and enjoy the time you can have together?? :flowerforyou:0 -
I dont really know what more you expect right now?? It's only been 2 dates?? Did you want him to move in with you or declare his undying love for you. Or marraige??
Seems a bit soon to be going crazy over a couple of shags? :noway: Why dont you just play it by ear and have fun? :bigsmile: It takes months to know a person and even establish if you have anything in common. Chill and enjoy the time you can have together?? :flowerforyou:
Sorry, I've never really been in a situation like this before. I've only had one real relationship, and we met online and talked for several months before meeting, so I'm in really unfamiliar territory here0 -
I dont really know what more you expect right now?? It's only been 2 dates?? Did you want him to move in with you or declare his undying love for you. Or marraige??
Seems a bit soon to be going crazy over a couple of shags? :noway: Why dont you just play it by ear and have fun? :bigsmile: It takes months to know a person and even establish if you have anything in common. Chill and enjoy the time you can have together?? :flowerforyou:
Sorry, I've never really been in a situation like this before. I've only had one real relationship, and we met online and talked for several months before meeting, so I'm in really unfamiliar territory here
Dont be sorry :flowerforyou: I just think you need to take a step back and let the relationship grow! We all meet people in different circumstances, and throughout the course of months and/or years decide if it will amount to anything. You may decide in a few weeks time that you actually dont like him!! (or vice versa) Only time can establish what will happen. So, right now, you just need to decide if you want to see him and hang with him and sleep with him under his time constraints. Nothing more, nothing less. It's a process of getting to know each other.
What I will say though, is if the guy is that busy then you either have to live with it or not! It's entirely possible for someone to be too busy to have a relationship. You might just end up catching odd drinks and having sex once a week. But like I say, you will establish over the course of time if this is good enough for you. If not, ship out! :flowerforyou:0 -
You have the chance of a lifetime, living overseas, to have all kinds of adventures and new experiences. Yet, for some reason, you are isolating yourself and putting yourself in a box. Do not waste this opportunity to really take every advantage of your experience. Leaving aside the boy drama, figure out how you can expand your adventures where you are living. Get out and experience the culture of where you are living. I can't imagine that you are the only English speaking person in the whole area. In my opinion, you need to get outside your comfort zone and really embrace where you are instead of being "safe" and staying close to home. Use your time off to take day trips, overnights, etc. to other areas. Get yourself busy and having fun.0
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Dont be sorry :flowerforyou: I just think you need to take a step back and let the relationship grow! We all meet people in different circumstances, and throughout the course of months and/or years decide if it will amount to anything. You may decide in a few weeks time that you actually dont like him!! (or vice versa) Only time can establish what will happen. So, right now, you just need to decide if you want to see him and hang with him and sleep with him under his time constraints. Nothing more, nothing less. It's a process of getting to know each other.
What I will say though, is if the guy is that busy then you either have to live with it or not! It's entirely possible for someone to be too busy to have a relationship. You might just end up catching odd drinks and having sex once a week. But like I say, you will establish over the course of time if this is good enough for you. If not, ship out! :flowerforyou:
Thanks
I'm used to the whole guy being super busy thing. My ex (/current best friend/roommate prior to moving here) is a PhD student, and is crazy busy. There were times we'd go a week with only seeing each other once or twice long enough to say hi. In terms of when we were dating, it honestly doesn't bother me. We were together 2.5 years, and he was super busy the whole time. I'm more than used to it...
I know it takes time. I'm being completely honest when I say I've never fallen for a guy this fast before. Ever. I've been in unfamiliar territories like this many times (this is my third time living abroad, and I've done a lot of traveling). This is throwing a huge wrench into my typically smooth adjustment, haha.
I have to go to another city this week for a training thing, so maybe it'll be good to be away from the situation for those 5 days. Step back, assess the situation, clear my head, and start over when I come back. It's entirely possible I won't get to talk to him at all during my time away, since I don't have a phone yet. We'll see what happens.0 -
It's simple and you know it. If this guy has the time to sleep with you and hang out a little bit, he has the time to have a girlfriend- if he wanted. When you want something, you go for it. He is just not that into you. I'm sorry.
Now you can wait a bit and see how it turns out. But you're already hurting/ confused. Is it worth it? Maybe. But when someone makes 10 excuses, I see that as someone who just isn't interested.0 -
Here is the short version.
He found you desirable enough to have sex with you but no indication of anything more.
It doesn`t make him a bad guy
Either before that or as a result you want more.
It doesn`t make you unreasonable.
If neither party is willing or able to move to where the other is and be happy then things have to end.0 -
I see this romanticized ideal that a man will find the time if he is interested. Why is it always that the guy has to do all the chasing and then completely restructure his life and lifestyle to accommodate the woman. It's really a load of crap. I know a girl who is dating a guy who travels 20 days out of the month, routinely works 15 hour days and is constantly emailing and texting on his phone when he is with her. It works because she likes him enough that she deals with his job/lifestyle. How about this. He showed you his availability. If you like him, find a way to deal with it.0
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Im going to have to say i agree with this a little bit. Unfortunately i dont have any personal experience otherwise. ive always been the one expected to change and revolve around the guy. the only thing i can say is give it time. enjoy his company for what it is and dont press for a relationship right now. they say to find hobbies go sight seeing etc....i can see how all those things may help.I see this romanticized ideal that a man will find the time if he is interested. Why is it always that the guy has to do all the chasing and then completely restructure his life and lifestyle to accommodate the woman. It's really a load of crap. I know a girl who is dating a guy who travels 20 days out of the month, routinely works 15 hour days and is constantly emailing and texting on his phone when he is with her. It works because she likes him enough that she deals with his job/lifestyle. How about this. He showed you his availability. If you like him, find a way to deal with it.
Its frustrating but dont let urself get completely wrapped up just yet.
What is it that they say... "love is like a fart...if u have to force it...its probably *kitten*" lol
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I see this romanticized ideal that a man will find the time if he is interested. Why is it always that the guy has to do all the chasing and then completely restructure his life and lifestyle to accommodate the woman. It's really a load of crap. I know a girl who is dating a guy who travels 20 days out of the month, routinely works 15 hour days and is constantly emailing and texting on his phone when he is with her. It works because she likes him enough that she deals with his job/lifestyle. How about this. He showed you his availability. If you like him, find a way to deal with it.
Yeah, I agree with this too. You definitely have to like someone enough to deal with their lifestyle. It can work both ways. I'm not sure after 2 dates that this should be an issue either. So many times on here we talk about how it takes time for a guy to invest emotionally. To say 'he's not into you' at this stage is not giving the relationship a chance to grow and really is indicative of the impatience of women!! :laugh: And I say that being a woman myself (obviously!).
As I said, chill out, have fun and see what happens :flowerforyou:0 -
What is it that they say... "love is like a fart...if u have to force it...its probably *kitten*" lol
:laugh:0 -
I see this romanticized ideal that a man will find the time if he is interested. Why is it always that the guy has to do all the chasing and then completely restructure his life and lifestyle to accommodate the woman. It's really a load of crap. I know a girl who is dating a guy who travels 20 days out of the month, routinely works 15 hour days and is constantly emailing and texting on his phone when he is with her. It works because she likes him enough that she deals with his job/lifestyle. How about this. He showed you his availability. If you like him, find a way to deal with it.
Simmer down! I agree with you. But we are talking to someone who is basically saying she DOES want to date the guy so she IS making the time and room for him. Every situation is different. It takes 2 to make a relationship work.
My boy toy works away for 4 days. If I want him, I accept it. He will too. It's simple.
Ive said this before but DM's advice has really stuck with me. It should run smoothly. It shouldn't be complicated.0 -
Agreed Amazona but don't tell DM he's right. Let's keep his ego in check!!! Just teasing DM..you know how much I love Dave's!!:bigsmile:0
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I've been very busy before, too. Told women what my lifestyle is like (on the road 80% of the time at times) and still made time for them when I could.
I say, have fun. See him when he can see you, but keep your eyes open and find more friends (there are so may ex-pats in Korea you can't throw a stick and not hit one).
Enjoy!0 -
It's simple and you know it. If this guy has the time to sleep with you and hang out a little bit, he has the time to have a girlfriend- if he wanted. When you want something, you go for it. He is just not that into you. I'm sorry.
Yeah, I have to agree with this. Sorry
If you like someone, you will make time for them. Simple.0 -
This.I see this romanticized ideal that a man will find the time if he is interested. Why is it always that the guy has to do all the chasing and then completely restructure his life and lifestyle to accommodate the woman. It's really a load of crap.
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He showed you his availability. If you like him, find a way to deal with it.
I mean, I read the topic and I was like "Reallyyyy????????"... Ok, hear me out.
First, it's only been 2 dates/sex and 10 kisses. And you LOVE him already? You're creepy. Slap yourself twice. I know the guy very well, and he tortures cats on the weekend... Sorry, but you had to hear the truth about him.
At this stage (discovery stage), you need to only "like" him and be interested in him, and to want to see him more.
What did you expect him to do? Move in to your place, and get married next month? Please. Let's get real here.
Second, what's with all that bull**** the girls are saying that "he doesn't love you because he makes no time"? The guy (from what you're saying) seems to be making himself available on top of his studies, he seems to say that he is OK to see you.
What more do you possibly want? To see him 24/7?
Well, if that's what you want (and since this love story is so amazing already), then I challenge you right *now* to stop studying, leave your job and make all your time for this guy. Do it, or don't complain that he's not seeing you enough.
Alternatively, find yourself a slacker who stays home 24/7 and then he'll be always available for you. No time constraint.
That was the generic stuff. Now on to the more specific stuff...
Third, and this is valid for YOU as much as for HIM, all of this is a fake emotional build up. Sorry, harsh truth. In a world with a dating pool of 3 people, I think it's fair to say that your whole "love story" is built on nothing. I can already imagine the other single guy being the third man, the jealous man, in love with you too...
Not saying that you guys are not compatible or anything (because you actually seem to be), but just saying that your life is so one dimensional that of course this story is going to be amazing and all. Fake emotional build up.
That's not even necessarily a problem, but please pace yourself.
Fourth...
A little rant now: Oh noooooeeeees (I'm disappointed)... Because I was already calling my friends saying I know this girl who is a big hoe and sleeps with everyone on the first night - glad things were clarified. What age are we again, 15?I've explained to him that I'm not usually like this (I'm seriously not), and he's said the same about himself.
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We've discussed things, and decided to just see what happens, but I'm someone who gets emotionally attached very easily (the reason I'm not usually like this, heh). We both say we have no regrets about anything that has happened.
Of course, I know... nobody ever is "usually like this", it's always the other people! Of course, I'm different, I always have good reasons... I don't cheat, well OK maybe except this one time. I don't normally sleep on the first night, well OK maybe except this one time.
Then just accept you f'in do all these things, and stop pretending you don't. And the people who judge you for this are just immature. Ignore them, good riddance. Just my 5 minute rant... But people! Please take your responsibilities.
All of this to say:
Maybe with time the guy is actually going to have more time for you, maybe not. Let's face it, chances are that you're not going to stay forever in Korea (or him), chances are circumstances are going to separate you.
So in conclusion, just live for the present and stop thinking about the future OR stop "seeing" him now. Whatever happens, happens... What's wrong with pleasure/enjoying yourself? Awesome memories for sure.
And this guy is probably not the greatest guy on earth anyway (just the best in a dating pool of 2 men), and you don't even know him that well yet...0 -
flimflamfloz:
Point 1) Where the hell are you getting the idea that I love him already? I never said that. I'm well aware that the emotions I'm currently feeling are simply dopamine releases in my brain. I'm not creepy or crazy. I'm simply a girl. Do you attack everyone here who asks for advice? If you read the last line in my original post, you'd see I was just asking for some advice to keep my dopamine releases in check.
Point 2) I also said that we discussed seeing where things go over time. See the last sentence of the paragraph above.
Point 3) The other guy is as far from my type as they get, whereas this one is exactly my type (honest - I was shocked). I actually came here expecting to meet not a single guy I would have any interest in. My expectations were as low as they get when I moved here.
Point 4) I haven't slept with someone outside a relationship in over 11 years (and my first relationship was only 4 years ago). No, I'm not usually like this. Don't make assumptions based on things you don't know.
Conclusion: We are both nomads. Who knows where either of us will end up. I've lived in 4 countries and 8 cities in the past 7 years. I don't call anywhere "home". That's actually one of the things he says he likes about me.0 -
No I always flip a coin before posting! :laugh:flimflamfloz:
Do you attack everyone here who asks for advice?
Exactly. Who knows where either of you will end up...Conclusion: We are both nomads. Who knows where either of us will end up. I've lived in 4 countries and 8 cities in the past 7 years. I don't call anywhere "home". That's actually one of the things he says he likes about me.
So then in conclusion, just live for the present and stop thinking about the future (or very likely absence of future, thereof) OR stop "seeing" him now (if you cannot handle this situation).0 -
If you already can't handle the fact that's he's busy all the time, do yourself a favor and don't pursue a relationship with him. It probably won't end well.0
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I dont really know what more you expect right now?? It's only been 2 dates?? Did you want him to move in with you or declare his undying love for you. Or marraige??
Seems a bit soon to be going crazy over a couple of shags? :noway: Why dont you just play it by ear and have fun? :bigsmile: It takes months to know a person and even establish if you have anything in common. Chill and enjoy the time you can have together?? :flowerforyou:
^^ this. u need to relax. enjoy the times u spent together but do ur own thing. just becuz he's set up there doesnt mean you're going to cling to him everyday. u said it yourself, he's pretty much set up and doing his own thing. so let him continue to do that and see where it goes. if he wants to be with u he will find time, maybe not lots of it but he will. judging by the fact that he's told u to come over whenever tells me it wasnt jsut a one night stand. so just give it some time and see what happens.0 -
You have the chance of a lifetime, living overseas, to have all kinds of adventures and new experiences. Yet, for some reason, you are isolating yourself and putting yourself in a box. Do not waste this opportunity to really take every advantage of your experience. Leaving aside the boy drama, figure out how you can expand your adventures where you are living. Get out and experience the culture of where you are living. I can't imagine that you are the only English speaking person in the whole area. In my opinion, you need to get outside your comfort zone and really embrace where you are instead of being "safe" and staying close to home. Use your time off to take day trips, overnights, etc. to other areas. Get yourself busy and having fun.
^^^ this times a million.0 -
Here is the short version.
He found you desirable enough to have sex with you but no indication of anything more.
It doesn`t make him a bad guy
Either before that or as a result you want more.
It doesn`t make you unreasonable.
If neither party is willing or able to move to where the other is and be happy then things have to end.
i love how men simplify things when women are so emotional and over thinking things LOL. Best advice i've seen from you carl 0
