Valid or NEXT?

Moe4572

okay...so I had one date with this guy--that I really liked, and we decided to see each other again. That was supposed to happen Saturday night-was going to go to his house after his son fell asleep. Well, Sat. afternoon/evening he called me and said he had to cancel because his son was sick (vomiting). He was apologetic and and said he would check in Sunday and if I didn't have plans maybe we could try again. well, he did call at almost 8:00 (too late to go to his place, as it is almost an hour away), and said was still vomiting , but was I free Monday? So, we made plans for Monday--he was going to come my way around 7.....well, about 5:30 saying he was going to be late because he had his son for a little while...then about 6:30 got message saying he wasn't going to make it because his ex was working and didn't know what time she was going to be able to leave. But, he said he did really want to see me and was sorry. Then in texts, we decided to see if we had another free night--Friday--he says, probably. He will know on Wednesday....

question is---am I getting played, or do you all think his excuses are valid thus far. We just had the one date---I didn't sleep with him or anything--just kissing-that is all, so not sure what his benefit would be to "play" me?

I am going to see what happens with friday, but just want to have my eyes open so to speak...........and I am not turning away other guys---have a date with different guy on Saturday and talking to others.

What do you think?

DMZ_1

Probably played.

I was actually having a conversation with a single friend along these lines yesterday.

Guys don't break dates in the early stages if they are truly interested. I usually won't go on a date unless I am interested. Therefore, I could not remember breaking an early stage date in my life.

This guy seems to have a problem keeping his word. Not a good sign.

As a side note, I would say that women cancel dates far more often than men do.

Moe4572

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

disneywm76

Honestly, I'd take a wait and see approach. See if it's a pattern. I know that recently I've had to cancel plans because the ex wasn't able to keep the kids while he was sick. You just never really now what is going on. If it happens again, NEXT!! Good luck!

farmers_daughter

Either his life really sucks, or he's just coming up with excuses.

Question to ask, is he recently divorced/seperated/removed etc from his ex? If yes, then it could be valid as they are probably still arguing about arrangements etc. If no, then......

Does he have family around? Is it just really that difficult for him to find a sitter or arrangements for his son? That's a valid argument, I have that scenario going on right now, I have no family and the sitters are sometimes not overly reliable.

But then again, I've ALSO been told I should be able to find a sitter on any day of the week at any time, and if I can't then I'm not wanting to be with that person. (Detect the frustration there eh? :grumble: )

I hate to say it, I give most people the benefit of the doubt as much as possible, probably too much, but....you never know when someone is really struggling, and trying.
But then again I've been very naieve to those who take advantage of my situation and my willingness to give.

If this is him, are you willing to have your plans tossed around in the future? That is something only you can answer. :flowerforyou:

Carl01

I don`t get a sense that he is playing a game but maybe.
He is contacting you so see what happens over the next few days.

christine24t

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

I agree. In any circumstance I agree with DM on this but because there is a child involved I'd give hima break this time.

pa_jorg

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

Yes, I think this is absolutely true. And in singles-land if you date someone with children you need to respect that! I don't have kids but cannot imagine leaving a little one sick with a sitter because I wanted to be selfish and go on a date... As for the other work instance, things do happen and exes, sitters and family members might flake.

If you liked him enough then I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just having a rough week. If it happens again then you have an answer.

Meghan0116

I can't tell you how many times that I have had to change plans because of my something with my son. Happened two weeks ago. His father was supposed to pick him up from daycare, got stuck on a call with mounds of paperwork, and couldn't get him. I had to push back the date time.

Since he is still talking to you I would give him a chance. However, if this is going to be the behavior continuously then he might just be a weirdo. Kid stuff happens but most people can make some kind of arrangement.

DavetheHYNIC

okay...so I had one date with this guy--that I really liked, and we decided to see each other again. That was supposed to happen Saturday night-was going to go to his house after his son fell asleep. Well, Sat. afternoon/evening he called me and said he had to cancel because his son was sick (vomiting). He was apologetic and and said he would check in Sunday and if I didn't have plans maybe we could try again. well, he did call at almost 8:00 (too late to go to his place, as it is almost an hour away), and said was still vomiting , but was I free Monday? So, we made plans for Monday--he was going to come my way around 7.....well, about 5:30 saying he was going to be late because he had his son for a little while...then about 6:30 got message saying he wasn't going to make it because his ex was working and didn't know what time she was going to be able to leave. But, he said he did really want to see me and was sorry. Then in texts, we decided to see if we had another free night--Friday--he says, probably. He will know on Wednesday....

question is---am I getting played, or do you all think his excuses are valid thus far. We just had the one date---I didn't sleep with him or anything--just kissing-that is all, so not sure what his benefit would be to "play" me?

I am going to see what happens with friday, but just want to have my eyes open so to speak...........and I am not turning away other guys---have a date with different guy on Saturday and talking to others.

What do you think?

Women have a habit of out thinkin themselves I mean he could be playing you but what if every one of his excuses are valid. What do you got to lose? I mean I'm not tryin to be a *kitten*(ever notice how when people make this statement they usually will) but I doubt if you got a bunch of a guys banging on your door trying to take you out. Just go with it.

NCTravellingGirl

Kids do change the rules, like it or not. I'd be shocked with a sick kid, situations with the ex and kids, etc... if he did keep a date because his priorities would be way out of whack.

It's possible you're being played but way too early to tell...give it some time and good luck!

MissingMinnesota

To me this is a wait and see. He has a kid which will throw a monkey wrench into things. He has been contacting you with back up days to meet up and not just leaving you hanging. So I wouldn't at this stage say he is playing you, especially since it was only one date and you didn't sleep together.

porcelain_doll

I don't think you are getting played. Seems like he's put a lot of effort in communicating with you regularly about what's going on. That does say something. If you weren't hearing from him at all, I'd say forget him.

DMZ_1

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

NCTravellingGirl

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

Ouch, Dave, were you intending to come out with guns a blazin?!! That sounds like a whole different thread topic, haha....

Roadie2000

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

I should hope not, if the poor kid gets sick apparently you'd rather just have someone come over and watch them so you can go do whatever.

MissingMinnesota

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

Says the childless man.

DMZ_1

If a guy is interested in a woman, nothing will get in his way. He'll know how to manage his time committments. He would know to schedule free time. And yes, a guy, if he has lived in a certain area for some amount of time, will have a friend who can look after a kid for 2 hours.

Kids can just be used as a convenient excuse out of stuff.

The OP has never mentioned if she is certain that the kid is actually sick, or it is just an excuse.

When a guy gets the text from a woman, I'm sick (happens to many guys), we just assume she's lying and covering for not being interested. The proof in the pudding is if she re-schedules with specifics, which rarely happens. Most people are rarely sick enough to skip a promising first date.

pammbroo

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

Wow! Just my opinion, but I think babysitting a sick child for a couple of hours could be a very enlightening experience for you. lol

Prahasaurus

Well, as a guy with two young kids, I can say it's very difficult to plan, and things do come up. The idea that "nothing will get in my way" of a date is absurd. Actually the opposite: nothing will take me away from my kids if they are sick and need me, especially a date with someone I barely know.

Give the guy a break. And the benefit of the doubt. At least for now.

Good luck.

--P

Moe4572

For the record, I (at this point) do believe that the child was sick. And, I am glad that he stayed with him if he was sick--show his priorities are where I would want them to be. I was just unsure if I was being naive, because sometimes I am.

And, also, on our first date, he told me that when he has his son, he does not leave him with a sitter--it is not fair to the child--he has him every other week, so he schedules dates on off nights/weeks OR has dates come over after his son is asleep.

So, thank you all for advice :flowerforyou:

I think I will take what most of you have said and just wait it out and see what happens...and not turn other dates down

Carl01

If a guy is interested in a woman, nothing will get in his way. He'll know how to manage his time committments. He would know to schedule free time. And yes, a guy, if he has lived in a certain area for some amount of time, will have a friend who can look after a kid for 2 hours.

Kids can just be used as a convenient excuse out of stuff.

The OP has never mentioned if she is certain that the kid is actually sick, or it is just an excuse.

When a guy gets the text from a woman, I'm sick (happens to many guys), we just assume she's lying and covering for not being interested. The proof in the pudding is if she re-schedules with specifics, which rarely happens. Most people are rarely sick enough to skip a promising first date.

You are digging a hole with this one DM as even myself,a guy with no kids,understands it is no where near that simple.
First off there are still 2 people involved with the childs life and the other party maintains a great deal of say as to who and when a 3rd party will have control of them.
It is not simply finding a sitter especially for a guy as the ex wife is going to have to approve.
Second since both partys are sharing time with the child if there is any hard feelings (80% likely in my opinion) leaving a child with some one else could be fuel to an already burning fire.
Lastly if it is not equal custody and the father only has the child a short time see above times 1000.

On the "nothing will get in his way" statement I take it that means knowledge of a child is something in your way so not really accurate.
If that is a deal breaker for you then so be it,your right of course but as the years keep going by you will find your "pool" shut down to almost nil.

La_Amazona

Sounds frustrating! But guess it goes with the territory of dating someone with kiddos. I'm not very patient so I would have nexted him!

Meghan0116

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

Oh really? And how many children do you have? How many times have you had to find someone you trust to watch your child? How many times have you picked up your kid from daycare to realize that he has a fever and a runny nose? How many times have you had your ex say last minute that she isn't going to pick up your kid?

Oh wait, that is right, you don't have children.

DMZ_1

On the "nothing will get in his way" statement I take it that means knowledge of a child is something in your way so not really accurate.
If that is a deal breaker for you then so be it,your right of course but as the years keep going by you will find your "pool" shut down to almost nil.

I will not seriously date someone with kids. I am actually taking my dating process very seriously, as I don't want to be 40 years old and still dating.

Right now, at 29, my pool of 22-28 year old women do not have kids.

But I want to make sure I'm off the market before the kid factor comes into play. I am doing everything in my power to make that the case.

DMZ_1

For the record, I (at this point) do believe that the child was sick. And, I am glad that he stayed with him if he was sick--show his priorities are where I would want them to be. I was just unsure if I was being naive, because sometimes I am.

And, also, on our first date, he told me that when he has his son, he does not leave him with a sitter--it is not fair to the child--he has him every other week, so he schedules dates on off nights/weeks OR has dates come over after his son is asleep.

So, thank you all for advice :flowerforyou:

I think I will take what most of you have said and just wait it out and see what happens...and not turn other dates down

You are very welcome Moe. Another thing that no one mentioned is that the guy lives an hour away. Did you think distance was a big deal? I am stringent about distance issues, as I don't like to seriously date anyone who lives more than 25 mins away. The closer two people live, the easier it is to see each other with regularity. Regularity is vital.

The distance issue is just as big as the kid issue.

But I really like your attitude about not turning other dates down.

Moe4572

After being plunged back in to the dating pool after a divorce, I have learned alot about my self and the people I am willing to date--and due to where I live and the lack of available men in this area, I am willing to drive some, as long as they are also willing sometimes.

Also, as far as children--I actually PREFER a man who has children!!! And, due to my age, it is much more likely that is what I will find/date.

christine24t

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

I should hope not, if the poor kid gets sick apparently you'd rather just have someone come over and watch them so you can go do whatever.

A sick child isn't an excuse!!!!??? Are you serious?

pa_jorg

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

DM, I'm sorry, but you are in a losing (and rather selfish sounding) battle calling a sick child an 'excuse'. I think the one thing that every person here can agree on is that it is a very good thing you don't date women with kids.

MissingMinnesota

People that might not have been in single peeps for a long time might not know that DM has an extremely long lists of what he will and will not date and when he will date them. If you think you are picky you are nothing compared to him.

DMZ_1

But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?

No, not really. A child is not an excuse. It's not hard to find a person to look after a child for 2 hours when someone is on a date.

But I would never seriously date a woman with a child.

DM, I'm sorry, but you are in a losing (and rather selfish sounding) battle calling a sick child an 'excuse'. I think the one thing that every person here can agree on is that it is a very good thing you don't date women with kids.

The original quote was "But the rules do change some when he has a child, no?". Nowhere in that original quote does it say anything about sickness. My response to this quote was based on the rules and a broad based interpretation of the word child. I never once said that a genuinely sick child wasn't an excuse. But sometimes in the early stages of dating, the rapport hasn't been built up to know what the real story is. I, and mostly every other single guy I know, have had plenty of dates cancelled on "sickness". The only real "sickness" in most of these cases is low interest level. The last two sentences are a separate issue that probably could have its own thread.

The way this guy handled the communication regarding the sickness (assuming it was genuine, which Moe believes it to be) was suspect in my opinion. He could have moved the date to a weekday that works for him, as well as Moe, immediately at the first sign of sickness, so as to not give Moe false hope. I feel that he strung Moe along and his cancellations notices were short.

Just because a person has children, it is not a built in excuse to not treat others well. The problem is not necessarily the sick child, but the communication around the issue and the re-scheduling.