sexual incompatability
dbrightwell1270
Posts: 1,732 Member
Let's say you're at the stage of a relationship where you start having sex. The sex is okay but not great for whatever reason. You and your partner both have orgasms but you wouldn't call it mind blowing by any stretch. The medium quality could be because you both prefer to be the aggressive or passive one. Size differences make it difficult to do certain things you like, you like it a little on the rougher side while your partner likes it more gentle or vice versa, etc. How would you address it? Would you break up over it? If so, how many times would it take it you to be sure it wasn't going to work out and to break up?
0
Replies
-
I don't think it is worth breaking up over. The first thing to ask is what level of communication that there's been on this. Sometimes very forthright sexual discussions about preferences are difficult to have, but it is better that they are had.0
-
Sometimes sex is just awkward in the beginning phases of the relationship. Feeling out what the other person likes, doesn't like, etc.
Eventually you're going to have to find some kind of "compromise". I don't even know if that's the right word. If you can't find "middle ground", and several months down the road the sex is still bad... Then maybe it just won't work out.
But communication is key, especially to find out whether or not the other person is feeling the same way as you are about the situation. 'Cause they might think it's great. It has to be approached delicately. And I'm not very tactful, so I don't know what one would/should say.0 -
Communication is key, talk about it. If she isn't willing to discuss the sexual issues, it does not bode well for future communications.0
-
Communication is definitely key, I know I'm usually up for trying new things if they say they like something I'm not really used to doing. Even if I'm not good at it at first it's always fun trying.
You have to know what your limits are though. I've been with people who "needed" me to talk dirty to them, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't take myself that seriously and I'd start laughing every time. If you can't find a common ground you might as well stop seeing each other.0 -
This, more or less.Sometimes sex is just awkward in the beginning phases of the relationship. Feeling out what the other person likes, doesn't like, etc.
But communication is key, especially to find out whether or not the other person is feeling the same way as you are about the situation. 'Cause they might think it's great. It has to be approached delicately.
Sex can start a bit "slowly" sometimes, especially if you like it a bit rougher, it might take a while for both partners to "tune in"/adjust and be comfortable enough with each other to give in some control to the other partner (because it takes trust to have sex on a deeper level and when control is involved).
The thing though is that if you both share the same desire to be dominated or dominant (and are not really keen on swapping role, by what I mean you can only really get off in a specific situation) it won't work too well in the long run, as while you will be perfectly able to please the other person, you will not please yourself at the same time. So you will have to alternate, and this isn't going to be satisfying, also you will have to "fake it" a lot of the time - which is annoying.
In this case, I would break up over it.
Yeah, I guess communication is key, just so that you both know you fancy the same type of stuff - some people are just allergic to some specific things. It might be easier though to hint at what you fancy right in the middle of a session.
These two (aggressive/passive, rough/soft) are the type of things you normally break up over. My personal estimate would be after 2-3 months, probably depending on the frequency at which you're having sex though (well that's normally when I feel the need of going farther).The medium quality could be because you both prefer to be the aggressive or passive one.
you like it a little on the rougher side while your partner likes it more gentle or vice versa, etc. How would you address it? Would you break up over it? If so, how many times would it take it you to be sure it wasn't going to work out and to break up?
If you're asking the question here, clearly it starts getting on your nerves, so you might want to discuss this now with the girl and explain that it might not work out because you two don't fancy the same type of stuff. Maybe she'll just accept this, or maybe she'll say she's OK to try.
It might just be a case of "make or break" since the relationship is probably fvcked anyway if you guys don't want the same thing.
The underlying idea is that yes it is fine to break up over sexual incompatibility, and the earlier you know the better. If the person is not curious about the type of sex you desire (and is not up for trying), then it's not worth it, it's just going to be unfulfilling, unsatisfying and more complicated as time goes by.0 -
I would try reframing the problem in your mind. Rather than being "incompatible," which to me implies that you can never be compatible, I would think of it as "we both have different needs and wants that we have to work on together," because it's an active process.
And I also say that if you don't feel comfortable discussing your sexual needs and wishes with that person, you shouldn't be having sex with them and maybe you shouldn't be dating at all. But I think if you can just say to the girl that you both need to work together to get sex to go from okay to awesome, then you will figure it out.
Additionally, I think that you can have a wonderful relationship with a person and have so-so sex. Whether you want to stay with that person depends on how much you value sex vs emotional intimacy. There are plenty of good marriages and relationships where the couple isn't having sex, so I think plenty of people can survive so-so sex.0 -
No, it's not worth breaking up over....my point....
I was in a sexually abusive marriage, I became ungodly modest and introverted when it came to that topic. Disliked it, and didn't really care to do the act. The then bf was dissapointed and wished for more in that area of our relationshp.
I then had a coming to Jesus meeting with myself after a deep (open and very honest) conversation with the bf, and I'm talking I did some real soul searching to understand why I felt the way I did about it, and was I justified to continue the way I had. I mean I would have called our sex life mediocre to good, and I hate to toot my own horn but....I am now a freak in the bed, and I find it fun, and I miss it a little right now, but looking forward to learning with the next guy.
So be patient!0 -
Guess I'm going against the flow here but for me it's much like DM describes relationships, it should run smoothly.
I think sex should be easy and should feel natural. Yes, it'll be awkward (but should still be fun) and a learning experience but still, it should be easy. Ive talked about kissing before. If by the second time we kiss and we don't flow, it turns me off.
I don't know.. Sex is a very important part of a relationship to me. I wouldn't settle for mediocre and that can be different for each person. I want someone adventurous who can't keep his hands off of me and vice versa whom I feel fireworks with.0 -
Sex can start a bit "slowly" sometimesSometimes sex is just awkward in the beginning phases of the relationship. Feeling out what the other person likes, doesn't like, etc.
I think the idea that it takes time to develop sexual chemistry makes sense. There seems to be some degree of quality in the OP’s situation. It’s not without merit as he describes it.Guess I'm going against the flow here but for me it's much like DM describes relationships, it should run smoothly.
I think sex should be easy and should feel natural. Yes, it'll be awkward (but should still be fun) and a learning experience but still, it should be easy. Ive talked about kissing before. If by the second time we kiss and we don't flow, it turns me off.
I don't know.. Sex is a very important part of a relationship to me. I wouldn't settle for mediocre and that can be different for each person. I want someone adventurous who can't keep his hands off of me and vice versa whom I feel fireworks with.
The idea that relationships should run smoothly and the idea in the 2 quotes above are not contradictory. Will sex be amazing the first time a new couple does it? For most, that is likely not the case. But there should be a solid foundation to build upon.0 -
My question is more generic than being about a specific situation. At least not a current situation. My thoughts when I asked this question were more in line with I wouldn't stay with someone who I thought just had a pleasant but okay personality because the sex was mind blowing (or at least I like to think I wouldn't), so would/should I stay with someone with whom the personality and interests seemed to click but the sex was meh?
I am inclined to say no I wouldn't. I tend to think the biggest difference between friendship and relationship is sex. If the sex isn't good just be friends. Given that I wouldn't, the question becomes how much time should you take to determine whether it was a mediocre experience that isn't going to get better or just being awkward getting to know one another's likes/dislikes.0 -
Let's say you're at the stage of a relationship where you start having sex. The sex is okay but not great for whatever reason. You and your partner both have orgasms but you wouldn't call it mind blowing by any stretch. The medium quality could be because you both prefer to be the aggressive or passive one. Size differences make it difficult to do certain things you like, you like it a little on the rougher side while your partner likes it more gentle or vice versa, etc. How would you address it? Would you break up over it? If so, how many times would it take it you to be sure it wasn't going to work out and to break up?
If all her other qualities were spectacular: Great Career, Fun, personable, very intelligent, interesting, great cook, dresser, great grade of hair, a nice 401k and all the qualities and intangibles that I like I would probably keep her but go the Chad Ochocinco route, except I wouldn't get a receipt, I mean who gets a receipt for condoms?
Hey I'm just being honest like women CLAIM they want men to do0 -
In agreement with all above posts, communication is where it's at. But, if it comes down to both people wanting to be submissive or dominant (I think if your tendency is strong in this area, it is really hard to swap roles), or if one required it to be gentle or rough all the time- I would have to really consider things. It would be hard for me to maintain a long term relationship without some weird resentments if I felt judged or sexually frustrated, and that would be unfair to my partner.0
-
If you're not sexually compatible its not going to work in the long run.
But I also think you can work at it if you aren't worlds apart!
It just depends on what the specifics are. If one of you is into BDSM/swinging/strangulation/watersports etc and the other one isn't, then there's going to be a problem long term.
I think sexual compatibility is very important.. If its not that obvious in the beginning, I would know in a few months if its not going gel :flowerforyou:0 -
Life is too short to have anything but great sex. I would break it off. Just tell her you aren't compatible and don't think she's the 'one'.0
-
The thing about sexual incompatibility is it spills out in other areas of the relationship. If your significant other feels there are issues in the bedroom... that they aren't pleasing you in one way or the other I believe this will create tension in every-day life.
I agree with Mike... life is way too short to have anything be EPIC sex... will every time be that way? no... but if you're with someone that rocks your world 98% of the time .. .this would be ideal.
I would not continue a relationship with sub-par sex.0 -
I think it's more important how interested the person is in pleasing you or vice versa so you can over time figure out what works for the two of you. My first longer relationship was with someone very focused on himself only. I, on the other hand, tend to be a pleaser... all that meant is that I pleased him and we were finished. Not Good!! Now if I'd been focused on me and him on him, that probably would work better though it'd be a rush to the finish to see who wins. Obviously for me, if someone is focused on me, I enjoy pleasing them and we both end up happy.... but figuring that out can take more than a time or two. So I can be patient... for a while...
So I don't think it's a huge issue as long as both people are learning what the other enjoys. I certainly don't let my freak side come out the first few times... it might scare him away, haha :blushing:0 -
So I don't think it's a huge issue as long as both people are learning what the other enjoys. I certainly don't let my freak side come out the first few times... it might scare him away, haha :blushing:
Yeah, but why wait? If its going to be a dealbreaker then it's better to know sooner rather than later, isn't it? For both parties?0 -
Yeah, but why wait? If its going to be a dealbreaker then it's better to know sooner rather than later, isn't it? For both parties?
I get what you're saying, Anna. And I agree to a point....nothing wrong with letting your Freak Flag Fly! I personally struggle with the balance. I consider myself a "good girl" yet when I'm comfortable with a guy (not often), I'd try about anything so that's led me to try some thing's I didn't expect to enjoy that definitely don't fit with the good girl image I tend to have. I'm still working to find that balance of letting go and enjoying whatever I want but also what boundaries do I feel comfortable with.
I know I'm 36 so it doesn't matter what my parents think, but I'd probably want to die of embarassment if I ended up arrested for indecent exposure and sex in a public place.... yet it's kinda hot (I'm guessing, really...ok, maybe not :blushing: ).0 -
Is this a specific issue with your girlfriend, or is this purely a hypothetical, and has nothing to do with you?0
-
Is this a specific issue with your girlfriend, or is this purely a hypothetical, and has nothing to do with you?
This is a mixture of hypothetical and a past experience. A while back, I was dating a gal who was extremely attractive but seemed to have her confidence shattered. She was blind-sided by a divorce where her ex moved in with another woman the day he left her. There were a lot of things about her that I liked but there were also a lot of things about her that made me think the chances of anything serious coming out of it were pretty slim. Because her self-confidence seemed shaken and I wasn't really sure that it wasn't purely her looks that were driving my interest, I had way more doubts and reservations than I normally would. These doubts flowed into the bedroom. The sex was okay (she had enough orgasms that she wasn't faking it) but it's not like either one of us seemed to really be in the moment. A few days later she told me she thought we'd be better off as friends that she wasn't ready for a relationship. A few weeks later I got out of her that she didn't think we clicked physically. I was rather upset that she didn't talk to me about it. After thinking about it more I'm not sure it was a bad decision. The sex really was mediocre. I didn't have a great time either. We both seemed to prefer to take initiative and be more dominant than submissive. There never seemed to be any kind of rhythm and it was a little clumsy.
The situation got me thinking about relationships and sex in general though. I can think of times in the past where I thought the sex was okay but not great. It never seemed to really improve. It always seems that the times that start off as mind-blowing are the ones that get better with time. Based on these experiences, I was just wondering how long people need/will give it before writing it off as not being the one and moving on.0 -
Well, honestly, if I'm at the point with a man to where we are going to engage in sexual activities, we've already discussed it generally. However, I have been in a relationship in which I was not sexually satisfied, and that just sucked. He was very selfish and I'm not sure he even cared to find out what would rock my world. So... do I ever want to be in a relationship like that again? UM, NO thanks.0
-
Yeah, but why wait? If its going to be a dealbreaker then it's better to know sooner rather than later, isn't it? For both parties?
I get what you're saying, Anna. And I agree to a point....nothing wrong with letting your Freak Flag Fly! I personally struggle with the balance. I consider myself a "good girl" yet when I'm comfortable with a guy (not often), I'd try about anything so that's led me to try some thing's I didn't expect to enjoy that definitely don't fit with the good girl image I tend to have. I'm still working to find that balance of letting go and enjoying whatever I want but also what boundaries do I feel comfortable with.
I know I'm 36 so it doesn't matter what my parents think, but I'd probably want to die of embarassment if I ended up arrested for indecent exposure and sex in a public place.... yet it's kinda hot (I'm guessing, really...ok, maybe not :blushing: ).
Oh, Angie... I totally feel your pain on this one. I am not sure where the balance for me is between the "good girl" and "sexual vixen". LOL I AM a good girl... with a wild side. I am a very sexual being, love sex. But my beliefs and faith tell me to wait... do I always follow through with that? No... sometimes sexual vixen wins.
And... um... pleading the fifth on that last statement that you made...:blushing:0 -
Yeah. This is true. This explains what I said earlier too.The situation got me thinking about relationships and sex in general though. I can think of times in the past where I thought the sex was okay but not great. It never seemed to really improve. It always seems that the times that start off as mind-blowing are the ones that get better with time.
I don't know how to express it, but great sex engages you at a deeper level, and satisfies you physically and mentally at the same time. It resets your brain, literally.
Good sex satisfies you physically, so isn't bad all in all, but way inferior to great sex. Also I find I build resentment with "good sex" only, as I want to be more satisfied mentally.
I think that you can "screw up" with sex in a relationship if you don't get the right pace/needs satisfied early enough.
It can be difficult for both partners to come back on the habits that they might have established later on and express their needs. Then you build resentment and stop being willing to make efforts, and things just rot.
So I'd be ready to dump someone on that reason alone now, and rather quickly as well, as I wouldn't settle down for anything less than great sex and it becomes more and more difficult to dump someone "lovable" (good sex) if you wait too much.0 -
Great sex versus good sex is practically always a function of the feelings I have for the woman. Sex is always good, at least for me... :-) It doesn't become great for me when she learns some fantastic move, or we find our rhythm, or we orgasm together, or whatever. As I said, it's always good. When I think back to the times I thought the sex was fantastic, it almost always involved someone who I cared deeply about.
I hear people say that "the sex was bad, so that ended the relationship." But for me, it's the opposite. There's really no hope in a serious relationship, and that tends to make the sex bad (or rather, *only* good, not great).
If you really cared for the woman, the sex will always work itself out, going from good to great. At least that's my experience. I suppose there can be some exceptions, but I haven't experienced them.
--P0 -
Great sex versus good sex is practically always a function of the feelings I have for the woman. Sex is always good, at least for me... :-) It doesn't become great for me when she learns some fantastic move, or we find our rhythm, or we orgasm together, or whatever. As I said, it's always good. When I think back to the times I thought the sex was fantastic, it almost always involved someone who I cared deeply about.
I hear people say that "the sex was bad, so that ended the relationship." But for me, it's the opposite. There's really no hope in a serious relationship, and that tends to make the sex bad (or rather, *only* good, not great).
If you really cared for the woman, the sex will always work itself out, going from good to great. At least that's my experience. I suppose there can be some exceptions, but I haven't experienced them.
--P
I love this way of thinking. And agree that it should be this way. If the lines of communcation are kept open, I believe it could be this way... and if every man thought like you did... I wouldn't be able to say that the sex in my marriage wasn't good... unfortunately, I was married to a sexually selfish man who was able to get his but didn't take the time to make sure I was satisfied... and after a while... there comes a point when you just aren't as interested anymore... because you end up MORE frustrated than when you began...0 -
I wouldn't be able to say that the sex in my marriage wasn't good... unfortunately, I was married to a sexually selfish man who was able to get his but didn't take the time to make sure I was satisfied... and after a while... there comes a point when you just aren't as interested anymore... because you end up MORE frustrated than when you began...
Yes, and my post was definitely from a man's point of view. Not a selfish man, I hope... :-) But a man.
With women I suppose it's different. There can be men who are very nice, with whom you are in love, but who, for whatever reason (ignorance? selfishness?), do not engage enough in bed to make the experience great for the woman, as well. I would hope that communication would overcome this issue, but if one side refuses to listen, well.... Very difficult situation.
Also, I don't really find the experience "great" if it's clear the woman is not sharing my enthusiasm... :-) I would guess most men feel this way, as well.
--P0 -
have a fun hands on i like-you like session! with wine and a whole night to play!0
-
I was reading Dear Abby the other day and she made a comment that one person is not going to have everything you want as a partner. She gets a lot of letters from people saying "he's smart, he's fun, blah blah blah, but...he doesn't read enough, run enough, have sex enough" etc. We can't always line up our partners into our specific parameters in every category. I guess it just depends on what is a dealbreaker for you.
In sex, I think it's true that if you have a specific fetish and it's not going to be good for you unless that fetish is fulfilled at least sometimes, then yeah maybe it's a dealbreaker if you are with someone who does not want to do it. But if otherwise, you are getting along good, all the other ingredients are there, I think sex can be worked on. You both can orgasm and be moderately satisfied, then is it worth looking for someone else that has the heat but not the other important ingredients? I agree that you can communicate to make things better, it just depends on what you are willing to compromise on. I just think that you can't have fireworks all the time. Also, if there is a problem with frequency wants, that could be a problem because one person can be resentful but that is a different story then both wanting and having sex but it just being "ok". Ok can be good in the grand scheme of things and ok has room for improvement.
In my own experience, I'm in a new relationship with a man that worships me. He really takes his time to "make love" to me. However, the intensity and the dominance that I am used to is not there. I do tend to be a bit more passive and I guess so has he in the past. He was usually the one being seduced and led to the bedroom. I was used to being "taken" and I like the man taking over in bed. I like things a little more intense sometimes but at the same time I wonder if that's me just being used to being f*cked more than being made love to. Most of my relationships were not very emotionally intimate and I had some good, hot times in bed and I liked the intensity but at the same time rarely got my orgasm. Now I do, but I don't have the "take me now" sexual chemistry. So I don't know where the balance is. I can go for lust or I can go for love. I'm still trying to find my way because my guy does not inspire me to jump his bones and there isn't this crazy sexual heat between us, but he is good to me and we have a good time and I am attracted to him. I've waited a long time to have a real relationship to throw it away to get banged by people that I'm not compatible with in other areas. I've done my banging and maybe I will do it again, but I'm in a new ballgame so I am learning my way and we are figuring it out together. I think we have more time to experiment and I think in any situation it's just a matter of weighing the benefits over the cons or the mediocre. No need to settle, but no need to think that one person is going to give everything just the way you like it, especially right off the bat.0 -
Oh, Angie... I totally feel your pain on this one. I am not sure where the balance for me is between the "good girl" and "sexual vixen". LOL I AM a good girl... with a wild side. I am a very sexual being, love sex. But my beliefs and faith tell me to wait... do I always follow through with that? No... sometimes sexual vixen wins.
And... um... pleading the fifth on that last statement that you made...:blushing:
Um ya.........this. :blushing:0 -
Ok sexual compatability is super important. think about it you don't want meh sex for the rst of your life. If you decide that someone is the one and you "fall in love" the sex should make you melt explodes shatter ect... Sometimes you have to guide a person into what you like especially if your not super vanilla. Honestly if we talk or I show you what I want in bed and you cant or wont do it then its gonna make me uncomfortable to be with you sexually and that will shatter the budding relationship.. :sad:0
