I swear I'm not overthinking but....

La_Amazona

How do you really get to know a person? Do you ask questions? As time goes by? By spending time together and observing them? Asking them about their past?

So Hulk and I have known each other a month now. We've been on many many dates. We are only seeing each other.

We had a conversation the other night that brought up how we get to know one another. He mentioned how he hasn't had many relationships at all and the last one was about 3-4 years ago. He's dated here and there but nothing formal. We are apparently heading that way. He mentioned how he likes to get to know someone slowly, not too intense or too fast or too soon.

I'm an asker. I like to ask questions. So far most guys don't ask much than surface type of questions such as my favorite movie, favorite song, drink, etc.. what I like to do. He has asked about my family here and there.
But he's never asked about my marriage. He's never asked about deeper things such as have I been in love.. or questions that are deeper. Is this what he means by knowing someone slowly?

I'm just curious.. how deep do guys go when first getting to know someone? What type of questions do you ask? Do you even ask questions? Is a lack of deep questions a lack of interest in the real me?

I wonder how it works. LIke I said, I ask questions. I haven't asked much personal stuff either but I have asked about his family, his job, his friends, and all the basic stuff... I haven't asked about his past relationships (I know what i know because of what he's told me), or anything deeper either.

So how do we really get to know someone?

christine24t

I think that asking questions is the way to go, but they should be natural, it shouldn't be a 20 questions situation. For example, if you're at a restaurant and a good song plays, it's a good opportunity to say "what's your favorite song?" or if your sister texts you, ask "how many siblings do you have?"

I personally love answering questions like that, so I personally like asking questions. But I get that everyone isn't like that.

I think by getting to know slowly, he means that he doesn't want to tell you all of his secrets/wishes/dreams right away. I get that. But I also believe that everything should always being moving. You can go slow, but don't go stagnant.

He might not ask you questions, but he shouldn't act bored or disinterested at you. I think men are different in that they don't care to know every detail of your life. He might not need to know if you've been in love before, or those other deeper questions. He might care about the present, not your past. But if you bring it up and want to talk about it, he should be a sounding board.

DMZ_1

I think spending time together and observing them over an extended period of time is the best way.

Some questions should be asked.

There's no need that I can see to read too much into him not asking about your marriage.

Carl01

Asking deeply personal questions of a lady unless she has clearly indicated a desire to talk about them is a no go for guys.
Sorry but they are emotional hot buttons that have a lot more down side then up side.
One risks being viewed as moving too far too soon or finding themselves relegated to being a friend only to lean on.

By our natures (yes another generalization) women need to ask as we guys more oft then not will not talk about deep stuff early on.
Likewise most guys understand that a lady will not need prodding,when she is ready to she will so there is no point in rushing it along.

La_Amazona

Okay... I'm not complaining. I like our pace. There's no pressure, no rushing... 1st time for me and I'm enjoying it. He seems to not be clingy, likes to still hang out with his friends (as do i), independent, etc.. which is unlike my last relationship. Its different but I feel better about it and find myself living in the present more vs thinking about the future.

I do think men and women are different in this area. Although, he does talk about himself which I love. I don't feel I'm prodding. And like I said, he asks about me too, no prodding necessary. I guess it's the deeper type of conversations that will come in time. We have shared views on certain things and he seemed intrigued with my thoughts, which made me feel like I interest him.

flimflamfloz

How do you really get to know a person? Do you ask questions? As time goes by? By spending time together and observing them? Asking them about their past?

Chatting, questions, variety of situations (<= this one is important), observing and time. Classics really.

But he's never asked about my marriage. He's never asked about deeper things such as have I been in love.. or questions that are deeper. Is this what he means by knowing someone slowly?

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

I'm just curious.. how deep do guys go when first getting to know someone? What type of questions do you ask? Do you even ask questions? Is a lack of deep questions a lack of interest in the real me?

I normally go very deep. I ask about the past, past relationships, family, relationship with the family, probe the person about a variety of topics (politics, religion, etc.), every time that something strikes me I ask her to explain why she did it in such a way instead of such a way and sometimes suggest "Wouldn't have been better to do XYZ?".
There aren't really any "right or wrong answers", but I'm basically trying to understand the way the brain of the person works and what's her stance on life.

It makes me sad when a girl doesn't really ask anything about me either. You know this already, but a girl I met on POF and with who I have been with for 3 months never even asked much about me (she didn't know - care? - what degrees I had, who my friends were, what I expect from life, etc.).
I think overall she was a rather shallow person (not in the sense of focused on appearance, but in the sense that she didn't feel the need to connect at a deeper level and she was content with a "surface" relationship), and so she wasn't interested in knowing (it shocks me that such people exist). It didn't end well of course...

So how do we really get to know someone?

With time, and a variety of situations. Also you get to really know someone in times of trouble...

Prahasaurus

There's no "guy" answer. Men, and women, have different approaches. I love to ask questions. I do it as part of my work all day, especially when I meet potential customers and partners ("What are the issues you are having? How do you define success? How can we we help"? Etc., etc.).

You have to be a good listener if you want to help someone. I've had to work at this, because men, in general, are not great listeners. I certainly wasn't. But now I think I'm a very good listener. As noted, I couldn't do my job effectively if I didn't listen very closely to what my customers are telling me.

I don't often ask too many personal questions on the first date, but by the second date, I will definitely be asking about the ex, the kids (if relevant), where she wants to be in X years, etc. It doesn't sound like a job interview, trust me. It just gets mixed into the regular conversation... :-)

But I do try to get as much info as fast as possible, and asking her directly is the easiest way.

--P

Prahasaurus

Btw, I went out with a very young (26), attractive woman some months back. We were on 3-4 dates together. She had a young son who just started pre-school. As I've probably already noted here, I have two kids. While we were dating (it was probably a month in total) I asked her a lot about her son, how he's doing in school, if he's going to play hockey, etc., etc. I didn't meet him, since it was still so early in the relationship. But I knew a lot about him, because I asked.

However, what really, really bothered me was her seemingly complete lack of interest in my kids. She never once asked about them, even though she knew I had two kids. She didn't even know their names. I occasionally mentioned them, of course. For example, "Will your son play hockey? My son started when he was the same age, and the school hockey programs here are fantastic." etc., etc. It was a perfect chance for her to follow up with a question about my son, but she never did.

This is the reason I stopped going out with her. I told her that I just didn't have time with my busy job to invest in the relationship, etc., etc. But the real reason was that she showed zero interest in my kids.

Not sure if that was a bit unfair? But in the end, it was a deal breaker for me.

--P

nolachick

Asking deeply personal questions of a lady unless she has clearly indicated a desire to talk about them is a no go for guys.
Sorry but they are emotional hot buttons that have a lot more down side then up side.
One risks being viewed as moving too far too soon or finding themselves relegated to being a friend only to lean on.

By our natures (yes another generalization) women need to ask as we guys more oft then not will not talk about deep stuff early on.
Likewise most guys understand that a lady will not need prodding,when she is ready to she will so there is no point in rushing it along.

OP: shoot I woke up wondering the same thing today..I ask a lot of questions lol. I feel like this is how you get to know someone.

Carl: your answer puts me at ease.

nolachick

Btw, I went out with a very young (26), attractive woman some months back. We were on 3-4 dates together. She had a young son who just started pre-school. As I've probably already noted here, I have two kids. While we were dating (it was probably a month in total) I asked her a lot about her son, how he's doing in school, if he's going to play hockey, etc., etc. I didn't meet him, since it was still so early in the relationship. But I knew a lot about him, because I asked.

However, what really, really bothered me was her seemingly complete lack of interest in my kids. She never once asked about them, even though she knew I had two kids. She didn't even know their names. I occasionally mentioned them, of course. For example, "Will your son play hockey? My son started when he was the same age, and the school hockey programs here are fantastic." etc., etc. It was a perfect chance for her to follow up with a question about my son, but she never did.

This is the reason I stopped going out with her. I told her that I just didn't have time with my busy job to invest in the relationship, etc., etc. But the real reason was that she showed zero interest in my kids.

Not sure if that was a bit unfair? But in the end, it was a deal breaker for me.

--P

totally not unfair at all! i'm with you. if a guy doesnt ask me about my family while we are dating or shows any interst in knowing about the people I care about then what do I wanna be with someone like that for?

i'm 26 but I like to know about everyone in my SO's life. My ex had a small family but I always knew what was going on because I would always ask and then follow up with questions like...how's ur sis doing in school, did you gran get around to doing xyz, I can help, etc etc. Granted we were together for a few years but I was like that from early on because I wanna know what their family is like and how they interact, how I will get along with them, etc.

nolachick

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

aww this is adorable! this is the most sensitive side of you i've ever seen

The_Iron

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

aww this is adorable! this is the most sensitive side of you i've ever seen

o_0

christine24t

Another thing about getting to know someone is that I would appreciate if they remember things that I've told them. If I mention that I have a sister and then the next week you ask if I'm an only child I will be disappointed. You don't have to ask questions but at least remember things about me.!

TheKitsune6

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

aww this is adorable! this is the most sensitive side of you i've ever seen

LOL, you might be confusing narcissism with sensitivity (Teasing, Flam)

TheKitsune6

Me personally? It's all of the above. Some things are fun to play 20 questions: What's your favorite color/food/article of clothing. Some things naturally grow out of a conversation. I was talking to someone last night and little things that get mentioned in passing turn into where we grew up and what experiences we had (I said I was lucky that Star Trek was one of the few shows offered in English when I was a kid and next thing we're talking about growing up in Germany and then where he got stationed and why and friends and family, etc).

It just... happens. When you spend time with someone, if you are making noises with your mouthhole most likely you're getting to know them (Unless you are shouting nonsense syllables and if both of you are doing that then you might be perfect for each other).

nolachick

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

aww this is adorable! this is the most sensitive side of you i've ever seen

o_0

I was referring flimflamfoz who always acts like a tough guy

nolachick

i'm getting furstrated with this one guy who used to send the longest emails back and forth. we did this for a week so i figured he was worth meeting (he didnt have my number that whole time). We met 1x last week and the whole conversation went well. He sent me a follow up text the next day. We live 3 hours away so not sure when we'll see each other again or if this is even an option but its frustrating that now that he has my number he hasnt called to have one of those long deep conversations lol. just short texts here and there asking me about my day and stuff.

am i over thinking it? lol i think i am just so impatient sometimes I want to press fast forward and see what happens lol

MissingMinnesota

i'm getting furstrated with this one guy who used to send the longest emails back and forth. we did this for a week so i figured he was worth meeting (he didnt have my number that whole time). We met 1x last week and the whole conversation went well. He sent me a follow up text the next day. We live 3 hours away so not sure when we'll see each other again or if this is even an option but its frustrating that now that he has my number he hasnt called to have one of those long deep conversations lol. just short texts here and there asking me about my day and stuff.

am i over thinking it? lol i think i am just so impatient sometimes I want to press fast forward and see what happens lol

Some people just don't like to talk on the phone. Think of texts like notes passed in class while email are letters sent in the mail, one is obviously for longer communitcation and one is for short commuications.

nolachick

i'm getting furstrated with this one guy who used to send the longest emails back and forth. we did this for a week so i figured he was worth meeting (he didnt have my number that whole time). We met 1x last week and the whole conversation went well. He sent me a follow up text the next day. We live 3 hours away so not sure when we'll see each other again or if this is even an option but its frustrating that now that he has my number he hasnt called to have one of those long deep conversations lol. just short texts here and there asking me about my day and stuff.

am i over thinking it? lol i think i am just so impatient sometimes I want to press fast forward and see what happens lol

Some people just don't like to talk on the phone. Think of texts like notes passed in class while email are letters sent in the mail, one is obviously for longer communitcation and one is for short commuications.

yeah i guess. im not big on texting either but phone calls are a must if you cant see each other. like i said, we've only seen each other once so its not like this is serious or anything but that is just something that would show me he's interested. I know hes working a lot and we just met and I'm not into the long distance thing so I shouldn't expect a whole lot out of this but i kinda like him lol.

AnnaPixie

I must say I sometimes don't want to know too much about previous relationships. I'm never too comfortable with the thought that a girl has been with someone before - I know she has obviously, but I don't want to know the details too much, probably makes me feel less special or something I don't know...

I'm 100% with you on this Florian. I might ask negative things like why you broke up, and if she was a b!tch, but I never want to know too much. Especially dont want to know about the good times!! :noway:

I think getting to know someone takes years!!! You can't cover someone's 30 year life span in one month. I think that you grow together and develop a bond in the 'here and now' while sharing past experiences as and when they are relevant. I agree that each situation will bring a greater understanding of someone.

La_Amazona

Thanks for the input!!