I screwed up again... loneliness ruled my heart

SweetBasil35

Hey guys - I could use some cheering up, but I'm not sure I deserve it. Met a cute a boy a week ago - I made the first move, we talked for hours, I kissed him that same night... a bunch. We texted over the past week... flirty, sexy, but nothing overt. I met him for a beer last night and he confesses that he isn't divorced yet. My #1 rule is no entangled men. (My lifelong pattern is dating and falling for men who are emotionally unavailable). I played it off for the remainder of the night (even kissed/hugged him more), but it hit me this morning that I'll be walking the same line of falling for a guy who isn't able to give me his whole heart, if I continue seeing this guy. (He also admitted that he doesn't want to be married again and thinks that all marriages are doomed to failure... I've never been married and want to build a life with someone more than I want ANYTHING else).

We were supposed to have dinner tonight, so I sent him a text telling him that "I'm sorry I have to cancel, please call me when you have time to talk." I wanted to talk face to face, but I won't be able to stay strong if I do. He hasn't called yet.

I feel HORRIBLE for leading him on... I didn't mean to, but I should have waited for all the sexy/huggy/kissy stuff until I knew him better. I don't know that he'll accept my apology, but I know I owe him one.

I'm so sad that I let him think it could work, (by lying to myself) even for an evening.

How do you guys not let your loneliness get in the way of making good choices?

Mellie289

It doesn't really matter if he accepts your apology or not - you're not going to continue to see him, right? All you can do is give it. Besides, you went into the free and clear and he arrived still married. I don't see how you really lead him on. You got this information last night and needed time to process it. You've come to the conclusion that this isn't right for you. No need to feel horrible and guilty. That's what happens when we first meet people we might like - we continue to see them until we find a dealbreaker. It happens.

I don't let loneliness get in the way of making good choices, but I sure do let hormones and attraction sometimes cloud my judgement. Those are powerful forces. Don't kick yourself too badly.

farmers_daughter

You have my hugs!!

First and foremost.....YOU DID NOT LEAD HIM ON.... Get that outta your head. or did I completely miss something here. Him being married and allowing what happened to happen does NOT fall on your shoulders. YOU DID NOT KNOW!

A cheater is always a cheater... I can prove that to you, just look at my ex husband. As hard as it might be step away from the situation and don't allow him to contact you, first of all put yourself in his wife's shoes, then step back into yours.

Picking the same kind of guy....I know how that feels and I haven't figured out how to not do that yet...but you do have to change your own outlook first.

Grieve your loss, then move forward, you have to consciencously push yourself forward with whatever it takes to move past this guy.

Edit: I don't intend to sound mean, or yell with my caps, but I wanted to emphasize those statements. :flowerforyou:

DMZ_1

Is he divorcing?

By a certain age (mid 20's), everyone has exes, even if they have never been married. There's always a danger in the early stages of a budding relationship that someone will choose to return to their ex.

JanieJack

That stinks! But rather than focus on what's done, just focus on from here forward. There's nothing wrong with refusing to see him again, telling him you just don't see it working out. If he presses, you can tell him you don't feel comfortable dating him because he's still married. Many of the guys I meet online who say they're divorced are actually still married, and while I've had a couple cuss me out or yell at me for my decision not to see them again, they all understood it.


As for preventing such decisions, I'm not sure what to tell you (since my usual line to guys that "I have to behave or I'll feel too condemned to teach Sunday School tomorrow probably won't work for you, lol)....but maybe to value yourself more (you deserve better than a guy who strings you along while he's still married) and to focus on the bigger picture.

For example, you go out for drinks, and this guy says he's still married. Imagine if the man of your dreams was be sitting there too, but hasn't met you yet (could happen!). Big picture: How would you want this awesome guy to see you respond? I suspect you'd want him to see you respond politely but firmly about not getting entangled. Then you choose to act the way you'd want others (the man of your dreams) to see you.

Mellie289

Many of the guys I meet online who say they're divorced are actually still married, and while I've had a couple cuss me out or yell at me for my decision not to see them again, they all understood it.

Cussing me out or yelling at me for my decision would give me a second reason to not want to continue seeing him.

JanieJack

First and foremost.....YOU DID NOT LEAD HIM ON.... Get that outta your head. or did I completely miss something here. Him being married and allowing what happened to happen does NOT fall on your shoulders. YOU DID NOT KNOW!

It's true that she didn't know at first... and he is TOTALLY to blame for his behavior. Standard society has a problem with dating someone married- even if they are in the middle of a divorce. That's why so many guys online lie about being separated. Somehow, to pretend they're single and get you to like them before telling you makes it all ok. Well not for me. And apparently not for OP. THAT is totally his fault.

But I can see why OP would be disappointed with herself still kissing/hugging him after finding out he's still married and making plans to meet again. In his mind he told her, she didn't run, so she's cool with dating a married guy.

If it were me (and I've been in this situation quite a few times), I've tried to be polite to the guy yet still firm that while I understand most people wouldn't have a problem but my convictions say we can just be friends now and then pursue romance once you're single.

The_Iron

lol you do not owe that man an apology.

Tel him to call you down the road when he has his divorce papers signed and in hand.

JanieJack

Many of the guys I meet online who say they're divorced are actually still married, and while I've had a couple cuss me out or yell at me for my decision not to see them again, they all understood it.

Cussing me out or yelling at me for my decision would give me a second reason to not want to continue seeing him.

I know, right?? I've never been cussed out for this in person, just on the phone and via email. I told one guy, "and you reacting like this is gonna make me change my mind HOW exactly?" lol

farmers_daughter

Maybe I'm just this buttheaded...I believe there needs to be some space between a marriage and a new relationship. I have a hard time understanding why some (in most cases!) go from married to another relationship without any "downtime" in between.

It's kind of like that person is continuing the marriage....just with a different person, and I wouldn't like that feeling if I was in the new person's shoes.

This space I speak of allows you to have time to grieve, and time to reflect on what went wrong, and if you had any part in that. Then you can start fresh with a new person knowing that you've had your down time. Otherwise it just all blends.

I guess in my experience I've sat there after the bomb dropped and "counseled" married guys that chose to do what OP's guy did. I've remained good friends with some, and some I've never heard from again.

JanieJack

I believe there needs to be some space between a marriage and a new relationship. I have a hard time understanding why some (in most cases!) go from married to another relationship without any "downtime" in between.

It's kind of like that person is continuing the marriage....just with a different person, and I wouldn't like that feeling if I was in the new person's shoes.

This space I speak of allows you to have time to grieve, and time to reflect on what went wrong, and if you had any part in that. Then you can start fresh with a new person knowing that you've had your down time. Otherwise it just all blends.

I agree.

SweetBasil35

I don't let loneliness get in the way of making good choices, but I sure do let hormones and attraction sometimes cloud my judgement. Those are powerful forces. Don't kick yourself too badly.

Good point - it was definitely hormones and attraction! I wasn't sad/lonely... just horny. :blushing:

SweetBasil35

A cheater is always a cheater... I can prove that to you, just look at my ex husband. As hard as it might be step away from the situation and don't allow him to contact you, first of all put yourself in his wife's shoes, then step back into yours.

Thanks Farmer... I appreciate the support. Just to clarify... he's separated and in the process of divorcing. He's not cheating. To clarify further... I have NEVER dated a MARRIED man (Caps for intensity...not anger)

pa_jorg

First and foremost.....YOU DID NOT LEAD HIM ON.... Get that outta your head. or did I completely miss something here. Him being married and allowing what happened to happen does NOT fall on your shoulders. YOU DID NOT KNOW!

^^ This exactly. I think he owes you the apology. You didn't lead him on or even know he was still attached.

Think of it this way, maybe it was a lesson for you to slow down and not develop feelings for someone so quickly. :flowerforyou:

Mom2rh

As far as space between divorce and and a new relationship...just because the legal system takes forever to finalize, doesn't mean that there isn't space between the decision and the new. When I chose to go from legal separation to divorce, that in my mind started the divorce clock. A year later, and I was finally able to get the legal divorce done. I'm a year into my recovery...still in counseling, still working on me even though the legal divorce was recent.

On the other hand, my ex was one of those claiming he was divorced in his online dating profile...and yet balking at getting the actual legal divorce finalized. WTH? Even though he was dating, and I presume has a girlfriend because he was taking her on outings with our younger son and going on vacations with her.

Mellie289

Maybe I'm just this buttheaded...I believe there needs to be some space between a marriage and a new relationship. I have a hard time understanding why some (in most cases!) go from married to another relationship without any "downtime" in between.

It's kind of like that person is continuing the marriage....just with a different person, and I wouldn't like that feeling if I was in the new person's shoes.

This space I speak of allows you to have time to grieve, and time to reflect on what went wrong, and if you had any part in that. Then you can start fresh with a new person knowing that you've had your down time. Otherwise it just all blends.

I guess in my experience I've sat there after the bomb dropped and "counseled" married guys that chose to do what OP's guy did. I've remained good friends with some, and some I've never heard from again.

I totally agree with this. I needed time after my marriage to figure out who I was as a single person. I was married for ten years and there are things I would do because of compromises I had made -- it took me a while to realize things like I don't need to do that anymore. I can do it this way... (if you know what I mean). I was ready to start dating when I finally starting slipping in the middle of my queen size bed!

I think some people might be done with a marriage long before the papers are signed, especially if they've been separated and living in different places (like myself - we were in two different countries for a year, which made it difficult to get the paperwork done), so the down time from signing the papers to dating again can be short. Other people can't stand to be alone and can't function as a single person and immediately look for a replacement partner to fill the void that divorce has created - those are the ones to look out for, IMO.

JanieJack

A cheater is always a cheater... I can prove that to you, just look at my ex husband. As hard as it might be step away from the situation and don't allow him to contact you, first of all put yourself in his wife's shoes, then step back into yours.

Thanks Farmer... I appreciate the support. Just to clarify... he's separated and in the process of divorcing. He's not cheating. To clarify further... I have NEVER dated a MARRIED man (Caps for intensity...not anger)

May not apply to THIS guy, but two of the biggest cheaters I know are men who are always telling new women they are in the middle of a divorce. There's always some reason they haven't ironed out the paperwork so they technically hasn't filed. I work with these guys and it makes me sick each time I see a new girls.

yoovie

Its only been a week - he'll get over it just fine

SweetBasil35

But I can see why OP would be disappointed with herself still kissing/hugging him after finding out he's still married and making plans to meet again. In his mind he told her, she didn't run, so she's cool with dating a married guy.

If it were me (and I've been in this situation quite a few times), I've tried to be polite to the guy yet still firm that while I understand most people wouldn't have a problem but my convictions say we can just be friends now and then pursue romance once you're single.

That is exactly what I don't feel good about!

farmers_daughter

A cheater is always a cheater... I can prove that to you, just look at my ex husband. As hard as it might be step away from the situation and don't allow him to contact you, first of all put yourself in his wife's shoes, then step back into yours.

Thanks Farmer... I appreciate the support. Just to clarify... he's separated and in the process of divorcing. He's not cheating. To clarify further... I have NEVER dated a MARRIED man (Caps for intensity...not anger)

May not apply to THIS guy, but two of the biggest cheaters I know are men who are always telling new women they are in the middle of a divorce. There's always some reason they haven't ironed out the paperwork so they technically hasn't filed. I work with these guys and it makes me sick each time I see a new girls.

That is very true.... We never had a official seperation or anything, so I'm somewhat uneducated about that, we were in seperate rooms of the house, and our divorce went quick because I didn't ask for anything and he never got a lawyer....I'm just a touched bitter and I think it came out. My apologies.

SweetBasil35

Maybe I'm just this buttheaded...I believe there needs to be some space between a marriage and a new relationship. I have a hard time understanding why some (in most cases!) go from married to another relationship without any "downtime" in between.

This space I speak of allows you to have time to grieve, and time to reflect on what went wrong, and if you had any part in that. Then you can start fresh with a new person knowing that you've had your down time. Otherwise it just all blends.

I completely agree! I don't think anyone is emotionally available until they've processed what went wrong and had time to heal. I can't imagine many circumstances where one could do those things thoroughly while still being in the muck and mud of a divorce.