The MOVIE kind of "love"

NCTravellingGirl

A friend of mine married a man she dated for several years. She's always been very happy with him. I asked her how she knew he was the one... she said she didn't. She NEVER had those butterflies or excited feelings about him. Her mother told her that was OK because that type of response is really just "movie" love and not real love. She found him attractive, he was good to her, they were comfortable and got married, now 6 years ago.

I'm struggling with that idea right now. I always HAVE felt that feeling with the men I dated...it's how I "knew" I was interested. I thought that chemistry was required! Yet I recognized that I tended to fall for hot guys who turned out to be players, so I've told myself I needed to be open to someone less attractive but see if the connection and attraction would build once we met and went on a few dates; that it's OK not to have THAT FEELING right away.

I started back online Sunday night and have been talking to two guys since then, only just barely progressing to the phone call level. The conversations with these two have been very good. A little banter, but no crossing the line. We seem to have a ton in common. I'm not invested...it's only been 4 days of talking and they could be ANYONE.

But here's the thing... I'm not sure I'm attracted to either yet because the conversation is good, I've let it continue. Neither are unattractive and I know a picture could be anything...But it made me remember that conversation above with a friend. This is the first time I am letting the conversations go on, but I don't feel those BUTTERFLIES! So I'm wondering... do I NEED to? I keep fighting a feeling back and forth of trying to be open to something different and also just dating someone because that's better than nothing. Wouldn't that be settling?

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

Mom2rh

Abso-freakin-lutely.

The big love of my life, the one that got away, started out as a friend. My feelings for him developed over time. I fell hard. He broke up with me...we were in Grad school and it just wasn't good timing for a "forever" relationship.

20 years later, I have reconnected with him...for the last year as friends. Now that my divorce is final, we may or may not have met up...but we are bi-coastal so HUGE obstacles. But...both times the friendship preceeded the physical. And the friendship is so valuable and important to me. Whatever happens in any other area.

shammxo

I need them...
But just like everything else, it's different for everyone. Maybe not RIGHT away, but they could develop.
But I think that initially, that floaty, "this is so wonderful" feeling is what sells me. If I don't get all excited when I see/talk to the guy I'm with or starting to get to know, I don't see a point; "Comfort" isn't good enough. Plain boring, breathing and "doable", is not sufficient. If I'm going to invest my time and energy into something or someone, I hope it's something that moves me emotionally. This, however, does not happen often. So when it does, I figure it has to mean something. Other than hormones, of course.

Carl01

How does this mesh with honestly wanting or trying to get to know a guy as his real self?

JanieJack

You haven't met them yet, right? So if the convo is good, maybe wait until you meet them to judge. I don't trust "butterflies" gained from convos with guys I met online because too many times I've felt like it was good chemistry via email/phone and met in person to be totally turned off. I wouldn't look at it as "settling" for continuing the convos a bit, even if you don't feel anything right now. I would look at it as exploring options. Isn't it great to have options?

OTOH, I wouldn't date someone I was sure I wouldn't like. Some people say that's better than being alone, but at least alone I know I'll eat good food and have an enjoyable evening.

That said, I'm not looking for constant "movie love" because it's not real and not sustainable in a long term marriage. That said, I know couples who have been married 30 and 40+ years and in the 10-15 years I've known them they seem to grow more and more in love as time progresses. But it's not movie love and hot passion all (or even most) of the time.

And to be honest, every guy I've felt SUPER strong chemistry for day 1 has turned out to be a real jerk. I read something (in one of those pop-psychology books) about how we feel the initial strongest chemistry for people who are bad for us, especially if we have unresolved childhood issues, and because of my experiences I really do believe that author is on to something (his premise being, the strong attraction is our subconscious' attempt to resolve the wrongs of the past by putting us with someone who will wrong us in a similar way).

When I meet someone and I don't know WHAT it is about them but my whole body just goes gaga, I enjoy the date, but I don't expect that relationship to last. The guy that does this for me usually turns out to be a certain type, and he's a lot of fun at first, but he doesn't make a good long-term partner.

Does that mean every time I feel butterflies I suspect it's my over-reactive subconscious? No.. some guys are just hot.

But I've discovered that I often develop butterflies (over time) for average looking men who treat me and others really well. That kind of butterflies I trust. I've met many women who developed butterflies for their men as the relationship developed (as opposed to guys- who mostly seem to be initially into a woman or it doesn't develop). So I'm a big fan of going out with guys that you initially didn't "feel it for" as long as they haven't done something that's a dealbreaker for you. All of my favorites have been guys I would never have gone out with just based on looks, email, phone alone.

JanieJack

I just thought of an example of why initial butterflies aren't always a dealbreaker in relationships:

How many women do you know have had absolutely no interest in a guy until she found out he liked her/thought she was beautiful? Then all the sudden he's all she can think about! I'll admit even I've flipped like this.

porcelain_doll

I know what you mean and I crave those feelings, too. I've been communicating with the guy from the lock 'n key event, trying all week to set up a date. It has taken all week because he is sloooooow to send me any text messages. The whole dialogue has been very business-like, almost like setting up a job interview. All we have talked about is what day works for me and what restaurant to go to. I am hoping against hope that he has more personality in real life, although the 5-10 min. I spent with him at the event didn't reveal much. It completely goes against how I would like things to be at this stage (occasional conversation, some flirting, some getting-to-know-you phonecalls, whatever; just something).

I'm still trying to be open but he has not shown any interest in getting to know me before the date happens. Maybe that's just the kind of guy he is and would prefer to do all of that in person. I guess I will find out. Frankly I don't even like text messaging, period. Before next Friday, I am definitely going to ask what his last name is so I can make sure he is not wanted anywhere.

christine24t

Need butterflies in the beginning.

However I do get where your pal is coming from. It is so hard to meet people and then actually hang onto them and get married. Really hard. I get that someone could be fustrated and just give up and marry a man she likes but isn't head over heels in love with. At this point in my life, I wouldn't do what she did but who knows when I get older? Hopefully I still believe in love even if I don't have it.

Laura_Suzie

Well I've never been in love or a relationship BUT I do think having those "butterfly" type feelings at the beginning is important. The last guy I dated (the crazy one) never gave me butterflies but I ignored it and thought those types of feelings are just "wishful thinking", BUT from talking to others who are married, I've learned it's important to have that "spark" at the beginning because that what gets you to fall in love with a person. Eventually the butterflies fade, but if you truly love a person, the feelings you have for them will not.

DMZ_1

Before next Friday, I am definitely going to ask what his last name is so I can make sure he is not wanted anywhere.

Hey, it could be better for your attraction potential if he is a wanted man. Women are into the bad boys.

porcelain_doll

Before next Friday, I am definitely going to ask what his last name is so I can make sure he is not wanted anywhere.

Hey, it could be better for your attraction potential if he is a wanted man. Women are into the bad boys.

Ha - I already went through my bad boy stage long ago when I was a teen! :glasses:

(But maybe in this case, I should resurrect my old self.....)

La_Amazona

Definately need butterflies here but with online dating I purposely try to wait until I meet in person. No butterflies allowed until then!! I got the butterflies during 2nd date with current bf. I was attracted to him initially but for some reason, that uneasy cute feeling wasn't there. If it hadn't arrived by date #2, I would have stopped seeing him.

I think it's GOOD you aren't feeling that yet. It wouldnt be based on reality as you've never even met them.

NCTravellingGirl

I am completely still planning to proceed with talking to these two, don't get me wrong. Just more of an analytical question I suppose given that I recognized that I've always NEEDED that feeling yet to Janie's point, those guys were ALL bad for me! So on one hand, it seems like a good thing that I don't feel it because it clearly isn't an indicator of anything, yet on the other, it's what I've always known so I kinda crave that intense passionate feeling.

Jill, NO BAD BOYS! Keep the past in the past!:laugh:

Christine, I'm not sure that my friend gave up and just married a man she likes. She loves him, I believe that, but it's not the same love most of us think of romantically. I'm still not sure if that's bad or good!

Carl, I am absolutely enjoying getting to know them. It's what has kept me talking with them even though I'm unsure about attraction through the pictures alone. Neither has crossed the line, something others have done quickly. One of the guys in particular just seems to be a good guy. I mentioned my cancelled weekend plans and he actually said, "I wish we'd have known each other longer, or I would invite you to join my friends and I hiking this weekend." RIGHT ANSWER! It has only been 4 days, so I appreciate that he had the thought of inviting me but knew it's too soon for all that.

But Carl, I ask because I felt I needed those feelings to WANT to even progress with getting to know someone. Perhaps I eliminated some goods guys without even a thought...not sure, but trying to just ride it out and see where it goes...

JanieJack

I am absolutely enjoying getting to know them. It's what has kept me talking with them even though I'm unsure about attraction through the pictures alone. Neither has crossed the line, something others have done quickly.

I think this is great. Even if you had attraction through the pictures, you wouldn't be able to trust the guy will actually look like that (usually doesn't). I think I look like all my pictures (a lot of the same ones as on MFP) and I recently had a guy tell me "where's the girl in the online photo." So don't worry about looks til you meet in person.

One of the guys in particular just seems to be a good guy. I mentioned my cancelled weekend plans and he actually said, "I wish we'd have known each other longer, or I would invite you to join my friends and I hiking this weekend." RIGHT ANSWER! It has only been 4 days, so I appreciate that he had the thought of inviting me but knew it's too soon for all that.

Awesome! love this!

Mellie289

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

I absolutely need butterflies, but they can certainly develop with time. I've experienced both instant chemistry and attraction that grows. Both have lead to me really falling in love too. It's not like one over the other is the way to the movie kind of love.

I knew my ex-husband for a year as a friend. He had a kind of shaggy look. One day, he got his hair cut and I saw him completely different and I already knew his personality (smart and funny), so I became attracted to him. My BF after my divorce was someone I met on an online forum and became interested in. When we finally met in person, I felt instant sparks being in the same room as him. This year, I dated someone from OPK over 3 months (8 dates) - didn't have any feelings for him the first meet, but I knew I wasn't turned off by him in any way. I became more and more interested in him each time we met (although he doesn't converse much between dates and that was killing the momentum and making me lose interest at the same time).

I think you should give any guy you talk to that you think has some potential a chance in person. There doesn't need to be an instant spark when you meet because you're just strangers still, but it's a bonus if there is instant chemistry. For me, with online dating, I would say that I would know by a third date if I'm ever going to be attracted to someone or not. Maybe that's a lot to invest, but to me, it's worth it since the good ones I get matched with seem to be few and far between.

Mellie289

I also wanted to add that I don't think chemistry comes through pictures very well on profiles. My ex-BF picture on his forum profile did nothing for me, but his presence in the room was something else. I try not to make snap decisions from pictures unless there's something I can see that I know would make me unattracted to the person (like morbid obesity or crazy tattoos and body piercings).

Mellie289

Before next Friday, I am definitely going to ask what his last name is so I can make sure he is not wanted anywhere.

Yes, you need that name! LOL!

This guy I dated didn't tell me his. I met him at a restaurant the first meet. He asked me if he could pick me up for the second date and I said I'd meet him since I didn't even know his last name yet.

(Oops! Looks like I have posting diarrhea!)

JanieJack

I also wanted to add that I don't think chemistry comes through pictures very well on profiles. My ex-BF picture on his forum profile did nothing for me, but his presence in the room was something else.

OhMyGoodness this is SO true!!! I've had this happen twice where the guy I met online had so-so pictures but in person he had an amazing presence!

(that said, twice out of what, 30 guys? and usually it's the other way around (great chemistry in pics and email, nothing in person)... not the best odds... but it DOES happen!)

julesboots

Do not need butterflies. Initially with both marriage and last bf, I did not have them AT ALL. They convinced me to give things a shot, and I ended up loving both of them very very much.

Extreme physical attraction scares me a little (and it's usually not the hottest guys I feel this for). Something tells me that when it's too extreme (butterflies) that the potential for disaster is very high. That's not to say that butterflies haven't grown where I didn't initially feel them- last bf being example. Ugh, saw him today : (

Edit: Now that I think about it, I've also been very much drawn to the danger of extreme butterflies but I think it was almost always to fulfill an unfortunately large reckless tendency. Self-destructive dating. Have not done this in a long time. Try to avoid it now.

Prahasaurus

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

How can you find a butterfly sitting in front of your computer? The best you'll get is a .gif of a butterfly. But that's not the real thing, is it? It's like a photo of Picasso's Guernica.

And now we're at reason #38 of why I hate on-line dating: it screws up the dynamics of your original face to face meeting. You've already emailed, sent texts, spoken on the phone, etc., before you've actually met! And the entire point of those messages was to see if you were compatible. It's too contrived! It's too synthetic!

I grew up about an hour or so from the beach. One of my most vivid memories from childhood was seeing a horseshoe crab for the first time. Google it if you don't know what it is. Now that is a pretty wild looking creature, especially to a 4 year old boy. I was fascinated with that crab. It made a huge impression on me. I can recall staring at it for the longest time, asking my father what it is (it didn't look like a typical crab, obviously). And even the name was so exotic to me! It contained the name of another animal within it! I didn't even know that was allowed! So much knowledge from one brief encounter! Even now, 40 years later, I can see that crab clearly, next to the beautiful blue water.

You might think it's a pretty ugly looking crab, and that's more or less what I'd think, too, if I just looked at it over the internet. But you have to see it in the sand, at the beach. And never knowing a creature of this type exists, and then seeing it moving right in front of you, right out of the blue... Now that's the definition of serendipity.

Before even taking me to the beach, my parents could have shown me lots of pics of horseshoe crabs. Had me color them in coloring books. Invented a horseshoe crab song. And I'm sure I would have still liked finally seeing one at the beach. But the impact would have been completely different. Interesting, but different.

Ya know what I'm sayin'?

--P

newmein2013

I wouldn't say the whole butterfly thing right away but there definitely has to be something strong to keep my interest in the beginning. If it's through email, I think you're just basically getting to know each other and any butterfly feelings at this point would be premature. Same by phone but sometimes hearing the voice makes it more difficult to keep your judgement in check. I really don't trust initial butterflies that much at all. They've done me wrong in the past. I've learned to analyze the relationship for what it really is. To sit back and think whether or not we're compatible in the important areas, which items I can overlook, or not, how he reacts with his & my family, our daily stressors, how responsible he is, etc. These are the things that will make me more attracted to him, or not. And then the butterflies will develop as I get to know him more on this level.

newmein2013

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

It's too contrived! It's too synthetic!

So much knowledge from one brief encounter!

You might think it's a pretty ugly looking crab, and that's more or less what I'd think, too, if I just looked at it over the internet. But you have to see it in the sand, at the beach. And never knowing a creature of this type exists, and then seeing it moving right in front of you, right out of the blue... Now that's the definition of serendipity.

That's beautiful

lacroyx

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

Required? No, but it's a great feeling to have and I believe it can develop with time.

La_Amazona

When butterflies are in love they feel people in their bellies.

porcelain_doll

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

How can you find a butterfly sitting in front of your computer? The best you'll get is a .gif of a butterfly. But that's not the real thing, is it? It's like a photo of Picasso's Guernica.

And now we're at reason #38 of why I hate on-line dating: it screws up the dynamics of your original face to face meeting. You've already emailed, sent texts, spoken on the phone, etc., before you've actually met! And the entire point of those messages was to see if you were compatible. It's too contrived! It's too synthetic!

I grew up about an hour or so from the beach. One of my most vivid memories from childhood was seeing a horseshoe crab for the first time. Google it if you don't know what it is. Now that is a pretty wild looking creature, especially to a 4 year old boy. I was fascinated with that crab. It made a huge impression on me. I can recall staring at it for the longest time, asking my father what it is (it didn't look like a typical crab, obviously). And even the name was so exotic to me! It contained the name of another animal within it! I didn't even know that was allowed! So much knowledge from one brief encounter! Even now, 40 years later, I can see that crab clearly, next to the beautiful blue water.

You might think it's a pretty ugly looking crab, and that's more or less what I'd think, too, if I just looked at it over the internet. But you have to see it in the sand, at the beach. And never knowing a creature of this type exists, and then seeing it moving right in front of you, right out of the blue... Now that's the definition of serendipity.

Before even taking me to the beach, my parents could have shown me lots of pics of horseshoe crabs. Had me color them in coloring books. Invented a horseshoe crab song. And I'm sure I would have still liked finally seeing one at the beach. But the impact would have been completely different. Interesting, but different.

Ya know what I'm sayin'?

--P

Loved your description!

Moe4572

I think butterflies are required to really be in love. Doesn't necessarily happen immediately, and would not get those feelings from without meeting in person, but if you never get butterflies, seems more like you are content and happy, and maybe love the person, but not "in love".

I think i have shared this story before, but seems appropriate....My ex was in the Navy and was on a 6 mo. deployment. When they came home, there was a big hoopla event for the boat....my family was there with me to welcome him back, and while we were wating, I commented...."wow, I have butterflies to see him again...is that strange?" and my stepmom said to me..."No, that isn't strange it is wonderful. You need to worry when you DON"T feel those butterflies. I stil feel butterflies when I have been away from you father for just a few days and know I will see him again." They have been married now for almost 36 years, and you can tell they are still in love.

Therefore, I fully believe you need butterflies

julesboots

What about you? Butterflies required? Can they develop with time?

How can you find a butterfly sitting in front of your computer? The best you'll get is a .gif of a butterfly. But that's not the real thing, is it? It's like a photo of Picasso's Guernica.

And now we're at reason #38 of why I hate on-line dating: it screws up the dynamics of your original face to face meeting. You've already emailed, sent texts, spoken on the phone, etc., before you've actually met! And the entire point of those messages was to see if you were compatible. It's too contrived! It's too synthetic!

I grew up about an hour or so from the beach. One of my most vivid memories from childhood was seeing a horseshoe crab for the first time. Google it if you don't know what it is. Now that is a pretty wild looking creature, especially to a 4 year old boy. I was fascinated with that crab. It made a huge impression on me. I can recall staring at it for the longest time, asking my father what it is (it didn't look like a typical crab, obviously). And even the name was so exotic to me! It contained the name of another animal within it! I didn't even know that was allowed! So much knowledge from one brief encounter! Even now, 40 years later, I can see that crab clearly, next to the beautiful blue water.

You might think it's a pretty ugly looking crab, and that's more or less what I'd think, too, if I just looked at it over the internet. But you have to see it in the sand, at the beach. And never knowing a creature of this type exists, and then seeing it moving right in front of you, right out of the blue... Now that's the definition of serendipity.

Before even taking me to the beach, my parents could have shown me lots of pics of horseshoe crabs. Had me color them in coloring books. Invented a horseshoe crab song. And I'm sure I would have still liked finally seeing one at the beach. But the impact would have been completely different. Interesting, but different.

Ya know what I'm sayin'?

--P

Aww, this is so lovely!

Just to be contrary: I totally cried the first time I saw a slide of Guernica, big tears.

jenbit

hmmmm to me butterflies equal attraction. Love goes beyond butterflies. Butterflies=lust lol not that its a bad thing. Personally I think you should be in lust with your SO. But love makes you smile just by thinking about them. Movie love is unrealistic and that is why they are fictional. Also love changes and grows and matures the longer you are together. I have friends who dated through high school and have been together their entire adult lives. Looking at them you can see how in love they are. They are each others support system. They have that deep abiding style love. It kinda gives me hope lol.

Rubie81

You haven't met them yet, right? So if the convo is good, maybe wait until you meet them to judge. I don't trust "butterflies" gained from convos with guys I met online because too many times I've felt like it was good chemistry via email/phone and met in person to be totally turned off. I wouldn't look at it as "settling" for continuing the convos a bit, even if you don't feel anything right now. I would look at it as exploring options. Isn't it great to have options?

OTOH, I wouldn't date someone I was sure I wouldn't like. Some people say that's better than being alone, but at least alone I know I'll eat good food and have an enjoyable evening.

That said, I'm not looking for constant "movie love" because it's not real and not sustainable in a long term marriage. That said, I know couples who have been married 30 and 40+ years and in the 10-15 years I've known them they seem to grow more and more in love as time progresses. But it's not movie love and hot passion all (or even most) of the time.

And to be honest, every guy I've felt SUPER strong chemistry for day 1 has turned out to be a real jerk. I read something (in one of those pop-psychology books) about how we feel the initial strongest chemistry for people who are bad for us, especially if we have unresolved childhood issues, and because of my experiences I really do believe that author is on to something (his premise being, the strong attraction is our subconscious' attempt to resolve the wrongs of the past by putting us with someone who will wrong us in a similar way).

When I meet someone and I don't know WHAT it is about them but my whole body just goes gaga, I enjoy the date, but I don't expect that relationship to last. The guy that does this for me usually turns out to be a certain type, and he's a lot of fun at first, but he doesn't make a good long-term partner.

Does that mean every time I feel butterflies I suspect it's my over-reactive subconscious? No.. some guys are just hot.

But I've discovered that I often develop butterflies (over time) for average looking men who treat me and others really well. That kind of butterflies I trust. I've met many women who developed butterflies for their men as the relationship developed (as opposed to guys- who mostly seem to be initially into a woman or it doesn't develop). So I'm a big fan of going out with guys that you initially didn't "feel it for" as long as they haven't done something that's a dealbreaker for you. All of my favorites have been guys I would never have gone out with just based on looks, email, phone alone.

Love this post.

SweetBasil35

Butterflies get me into trouble EVERY time. :grumble: I've dated men where there were no initial butterflies, but they did come with time as I got to know them better. Personally, I think butterflies early on usually means T R O U B L E. But maybe that's just me.

AnnaPixie

I think I agree with the majority here. Butterflies are

-not necessary online
-some kind of chemistry required on first meeting, but not necessarily mind blowing fireworks! (although I've felt that once and I'm still crazy about the guy!)
-butterflies can grow over time. I totally believe that getting to know someone better can increases love/lust/everything!! This, however, is what internet dating lacks; you dont usually carry on seeing (dating) someone if you dont feel 'some' thing.

I could never settle for a LTR without having any butterflies/spark/chemistry/fireworks!!! Although, I see a lot of people 'settle'.

Only you can determine how you want to live your life :flowerforyou: