too soon?

farmers_daughter

Im gonna try to make this short n sweet. I met a guy over the weekend that ive been talking to and he was unbelievably well manered and seem sincerely interested...he didnt brag about all he had or try to exaggerate anything. we shared our experiencea etc that we had previously touched on in emails etc.... and over all i feel the date went well and he requested another date.
Heres the kicker....as much as i want to move forward with my life and find a companion/partner im scared ****less to get too deep in conversations let alone think about beimg intimate. i wonder am i starting over too fast? The last guy i believed to be my very best friend and after losing him i feel lost like....i dont know how to start over im scared to trust. im scared to lose...
But if i dont move forward and take a chance on this guy then i stay lonely and i dont want that.
Im afraid to tell him about my past that ive been tossed around like a little rag doll and ive been lied to in the most horrible ways....i dont want a pity party or him feeling sorry for me...
How do i not sabotage this opportunity. Have u ever been soo "damaged" that u almost didnt want to try? I know communication is KEY but im even afraid of that. ugh. any advice is welcome.

DMZ_1

No, I do not necessarily think it is too soon. Life is limited, and I don't believe in letting life slip away in the hourglass of time.

If you like someone, keep it going, but proceed at a measured pace. Taking things a little slower isn't a bad thing.

pa_jorg

Yes, I can absolutely relate! I'm in a good mental space now, but it took me a while after my last relationship to get here. I think the journey is different for every person, but I also believe that one of the worst things you can do is rush yourself trying to get through it. Go at your own pace. If that means passing up on this current guy, so be it. You won't be able to commit fully if you're still feeling this way anyway. But if you're ready and this is just nerves, then you have to push through that too in order to move on! Good luck! :flowerforyou:

RMuske

I say go for it if you see potential... You might want to wait a little while to unload the baggage that is your past. We all have our "stuff" but you want to unload it on someone new slowly. At least that is what I do. I think it is great that you met someone great. Timing is rarely in our control.

farmers_daughter

Yes, I can absolutely relate! I'm in a good mental space now, but it took me a while after my last relationship to get here. I think the journey is different for every person, but I also believe that one of the worst things you can do is rush yourself trying to get through it. Go at your own pace. If that means passing up on this current guy, so be it. You won't be able to commit fully if you're still feeling this way anyway. But if you're ready and this is just nerves, then you have to push through that too in order to move on! Good luck! :flowerforyou:

I thought i had done my greiving and had my crap together...and unbeknownst to me it was like i just kind of flipped out. tonight he texted around the same time that my ex would to call....and i started balling uncontrollably in fear that he might want to talk on the phone. I think i almost scared myself with that reaction....but we ended up texting and it never came to that. why? Is about all i can say at the moment. I want the companionship...i just think i now have a lil fear of committing....ugh...just what i need

Mellie289

I thought i had done my greiving and had my crap together...and unbeknownst to me it was like i just kind of flipped out. tonight he texted around the same time that my ex would to call....and i started balling uncontrollably in fear that he might want to talk on the phone. I think i almost scared myself with that reaction....but we ended up texting and it never came to that. why? Is about all i can say at the moment. I want the companionship...i just think i now have a lil fear of committing....ugh...just what i need

It's probably easier said than done, but you need to change your thinking on this. Why are you worried about commitment? You don't even know this guy? All you need to worry about right now is if you think he is worth getting to know better. You can always decide the timing isn't right for you. You don't need to jump into intimacy at all, and you certainly aren't signing a contract here. Try not to put so much pressure on whatever this is right now. It's not yet close to all the things you fear. Just enjoy the moment and don't put the cart before the horse.

The worst part of any breakup is the loss of the best friend, IMO. So much harder to replace and I have felt those lost feelings. It helps if you don't really think about the next person filling that role. That's also setting a really high expectation. If it will happen, it will happen.

I hope this is just a temporary panic and it will pass after you sleep on it.

flimflamfloz

I want the companionship...i just think i now have a lil fear of committing....ugh...just what i need

And as we all know, there are only two possible states: "Single (as fvck)" or "Deeply committed (and married with a house and children)"... And the change happens in 24 hours only so don't let this happen to you!

kerrymh

Just take it Slow.
All you might need to do is let him know the pace you're comfortable with. And if he's really interested he'll go with that.
If not then keep working on yourself
Each person is brought into our lives to teach us something about ourselves. Learn from the past but don't let it control your future.
Work through that fear. And take initiative. Why don't you call him if you feel up to it..that gives you some of the control..its your decision. Don't let the fear of what a few men did to you in the past chase away a potentially good man...plus what is the worse that can happen you're still alive and ticking aren't you after all your past. You have children and people who care about you. They didn't take that away..and neither will this man.

JanieJack

Why are you worried about commitment? You don't even know this guy? All you need to worry about right now is if you think he is worth getting to know better. You can always decide the timing isn't right for you. You don't need to jump into intimacy at all, and you certainly aren't signing a contract here. Try not to put so much pressure on whatever this is right now. It's not yet close to all the things you fear. Just enjoy the moment and don't put the cart before the horse.

Agreed. And if it helps you to do stop worrying... from what I and my friends have experienced, most guys are in exactly that mindset… they might say things that sound like commitment (because that’s what women want to hear) but most normal guys aren’t really doing more than enjoying the moment, having fun, and seeing if you’re someone they want to get to know more.

NCTravellingGirl

I may not have a past that is causing it, but I do understand where you're coming from. It's not like I haven't said forever that I want to find someone, blah blah. Right now I'm talking to what seems like a REALLY nice guy and internally keep panicing a little, cold feet if you will. Is he REALLY what I'm looking for? Is he good looking enough? Really, none of those things matter YET... I haven't even met him yet, but I feel like I'm trying to talk myself out of it, haha....

He's been a good guy about it though. He's not pressured me at all but is taking steps forward. We talked for a week online before we talked on the phone, and then he's called each day since (it was just Saturday), and we've got plans tomorrow. He is the one in an earlier post that I mentioned loving how he handled the situation last week. He asked me about my weekend plans which had been cancelled. I realized it may have come across like I was fishing for an invite (I wasn't), but he simply said that he would have invited me to his hiking plans if we'd known each other longer (WIN!).

So I share all that because sometimes we think we're ready, and you've even met someone at least worth talking to or getting to know, but that doesn't mean you're ready internally. I'm focusing on staying calm. I have no idea why I'm reacting this way, but I'm not going to let it hold me back. He may not be the right guy for me, and that's OK, but I am not just going to run away! One step at a time...Good Luck! :flowerforyou:

TheKitsune6

First things first - don't worry about unloading the baggage on this guy just yet. If you absolutely MUST say something then the heaviest you want to get is "Yeah, I've had some struggles" and if you can, end it on a positive "But it's handled". I would be very unenthusiastic about someone if early on they gave me a big long story about how emotionally abused they were. My red flag would scream "PROJECT" and I'd bail. This isn't to say that eventually you shouldn't share, it's a part of who you are and where you've been. It doesn't make you a horrible potential mate for you to have such a background in and of itself. Just wait a bit until things are more concerete/established.

Second - That's a powerful emotional reaction and it's not something to just dismiss. Now that you've had it you can sit down with a cup of coffee (or tea, whichever you prefer), grab a pen a paper and write out what you felt and why you felt it. Or you can just roll it over in your head. Or doodle genitalia. Whatever helps you with introspection. I'm a firm believer that unless you know the root of the issue treating the symptoms will only ever be temporary. A bandaid over the gunshot wound. Yes it's easy to say "he messaged me at X time which is when blah blah" but more importantly: WHY did that bother you? Hash it out so that if it happens again and you start to have a reaction you'll be more emotionally prepared.

Third - it's not too soon if you don't go faster than you are comfortable. Do what makes things easy for you. If this dude starts pushing then communicate with him that you aren't ready for XYZ but you are down for ABC and if he's not okay with it then he's just not your speed. If you like his company and it's easy then enjoy it. Do what makes YOU happy and if anxieties crop up understand that it's normal and you've got a pretty cool support group right here willing to let you rap about your feelings.

Hope any little bit of that might help!

yoovie

I try my damndest to never share my sob stories with the guys I date. Even if I fall in love, you'll only really hear the positive that came out of my darkest hours. I wouldnt want my man to put the gravity of his emotional past on my shoudlers for me to constantly live in the shadow of, constantly avoid the patterns that scare him, sacrifice my personality to make sure Im what he needs and not what would trigger issues caused by ghosts of girlfriends past.

I'd rather just be me. If he gets what he needs from that, without having to tell me every time his trust was damaged or his sense of self was abused or his heart was neglected, then I know that just being myself is authentically enough for him without any pretention.

Just like I wouldnt want to tell a man (hypothetically) oh these terrible things happened to me so I have serious trust issues, abandonment issues, runaway/orphan issues, sexual hangups, low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, masochistic tendencies... geez ew ew ew ew stop--- if you put all that on him and say OK RAT- RUN THE MAZE WITHOUT TRIGGERING ANY ISSUES AND YOU DO GOOD I WILL DATE YOU!!!!! - then you lose. Cause you'll never see HIM.

sallywilson06

First off I feel your pain on being damaged.

Secondly, you have to ask yourself do you like this guy? Do you get excited when he texts you or calls you? Are you excited to go out on this next date with him? Does he give you goose bumps when you hear from him or he calls?

If you have answered yes to any of those questions then it means that you are ready to move forward. If you are just trying to date to get rid of the void of being lonely then you shouldn't date him because you will end up hurting an innocent person in the long run.

Best of Luck!

farmers_daughter

First off I feel your pain on being damaged.

Secondly, you have to ask yourself do you like this guy? Do you get excited when he texts you or calls you? Are you excited to go out on this next date with him? Does he give you goose bumps when you hear from him or he calls?

If you have answered yes to any of those questions then it means that you are ready to move forward. If you are just trying to date to get rid of the void of being lonely then you shouldn't date him because you will end up hurting an innocent person in the long run.

Best of Luck!

The goosebumps and giggle are what keep me moving forward..... as we are teasing and taunting eachother (all innocently, I promise) about how our days went....I keep going back to the fact that he said he had a "**** eating grin" on his face today....that just "gets" me. :smooched:

julesboots

How do i not sabotage this opportunity. Have u ever been soo "damaged" that u almost didnt want to try? I know communication is KEY but im even afraid of that. ugh. any advice is welcome.

Yes, have been so damaged that I didn't want to try. I didn't try for about 4 years. A total waste of time. Absolutely do not stop yourself from enjoying your life.

I think above posters make a good point about not communicating too much too early. There are going to be things that you might want to share because you have an open personality or whatever, but be careful about telling him more than he needs to know. If things work out, he'll need generalities, and specifics about some things, but not about everything. Don't overload him. Good luck- so exciting!!

farmers_daughter

How do i not sabotage this opportunity. Have u ever been soo "damaged" that u almost didnt want to try? I know communication is KEY but im even afraid of that. ugh. any advice is welcome.

Yes, have been so damaged that I didn't want to try. I didn't try for about 4 years. A total waste of time. Absolutely do not stop yourself from enjoying your life.

I think above posters make a good point about not communicating too much too early. There are going to be things that you might want to share because you have an open personality or whatever, but be careful about telling him more than he needs to know. If things work out, he'll need generalities, and specifics about some things, but not about everything. Don't overload him. Good luck- so exciting!!

I'm a tad afraid of unloading waayy too much, but I think after reading all the posts here I'm getting a little smarter about how, when, and if...it needs to be said.
The last relationship was a "no-holds bar" thing where everything was on the table and we were ok with that, I kind of liked that...but worry that I may not get that opportunity again...the next person may not like it. Im' learning.

sallywilson06

First off I feel your pain on being damaged.

Secondly, you have to ask yourself do you like this guy? Do you get excited when he texts you or calls you? Are you excited to go out on this next date with him? Does he give you goose bumps when you hear from him or he calls?

If you have answered yes to any of those questions then it means that you are ready to move forward. If you are just trying to date to get rid of the void of being lonely then you shouldn't date him because you will end up hurting an innocent person in the long run.

Best of Luck!

The goosebumps and giggle are what keep me moving forward..... as we are teasing and taunting eachother (all innocently, I promise) about how our days went....I keep going back to the fact that he said he had a "**** eating grin" on his face today....that just "gets" me. :smooched:

Sounds to me like you're ready to move forward with your life. It is from my experience as being scorned and trying to move forward that if the "feeling" isn't there then don't pursue it. You got that feeling, I say go for it!