First meet dilemma

Mellie289

I just got off the phone with a match from OKC who asked me out for a drink on Saturday - maybe late afternoon. He's going to see what events are going on in his beach town. I was kind of a little put off that he didn't offer to meet me half way, but I went along with it for now (he's supposed to get back to me for us to decide on a place still). didn't really know where his town was and just looked at the map and it's about a 40 minute drive.

To me, a first meet should be minimal effort, so both people trying to meet in the middle would seem appropriate. On the other hand, if there's something to do at the beach, maybe it's worth the drive. I'm kind of lukewarm on him - he talked a lot during our phone conversation but didn't really hold my attention. I was getting a little bored, but it was a cold call from a total stranger, so I want to cut some slack there.

What would you do? A.) Try to keep it a quick meet somewhere in between or B.) drive a long way in holiday weekend traffic to meet someone who maybe has some potential, but you're not sure about, especially when you think a considerate person would have offered A. as the plan.

MissingMinnesota

For me 40 minutes is my normal commute to work and what I tend to drive to play sports etc so it isn't a long drive. I know others find it to be one. Are their areas between you that would be as nice to go to as the beach? I know it is a pain because it is the holiday and that would be the only reason I wouldn't want to go but if there is something cool going on I wouldn't mind it.

dbrightwell1270

Women really piss me off sometimes. All this crap about "a guy should take initiative," "he asked me out, he should choose" is constantly spouted. Here you have a guy who made a decision and asked if you'd like to do it. You could have easily said, "it's a holiday weekend, there is likely to be a lot of traffic and it's a bit of a drive for me. Why don't we meet somewhere in between our homes?" Instead, you come on here complaining that he didn't make a good choice and was inconsiderate of your ideals for a first meeting? sorry for the rant.

DMZ_1

Distance (and the perception of it) is a major factor. I believe in keeping distances limited, as when two people live too far away, they won't be able to see each regularly enough to have something sustainable.

My experience is that women met online tend to be very flaky, so scheduling something close to my apartment is usually the way the go. Women met through Meetups are maybe slightly better, but not better enough on the whole to change the idea of meeting close to my apartment.

Amongst the free sites, this is one of POF's huge advantages. In search criteria, the shortest distance on OKC is 25 miles. On POF, it is 10 miles. In an urban environment that tends to sprawl and have major traffic problems (I believe the OP lives in Orange County, CA, a sprawling area with traffic problems), this can make a big difference.

Right now, you and that guy don't have concrete plans either. You can easily back out with no explanation. I believe it to be preferable for a woman to back out before a first get together if she has a mindset not conducive to the experience, because without the right mindset, the dreaded one & done becomes more likely, and that's a waste of my time. Take a wait and see approach, it is only Wednesday right now.

Moe4572

40 min is not a bad drive for me either...not ideal, but not terrible. Add to that all the holiday traffic and may not be too wonderful. So, if he comes up with a great thing to do....then go for it, probably be worth the drive, BUT if not, suggest meeting more in the middle.

FWIW, I felt the same way when I was meeting a guy a while back. I wasn't really sure I was going to like him, not sure how interested, etc. I went anyway, (he lived an hour away, and we did meet in the middle). We ended up dating for several months, he was a great guy. Obviously, it didn't work, but I am still glad that I went and that I had the time with him. So, you just never know

Mellie289

Women really piss me off sometimes. All this crap about "a guy should take initiative," "he asked me out, he should choose" is constantly spouted. Here you have a guy who made a decision and asked if you'd like to do it. You could have easily said, "it's a holiday weekend, there is likely to be a lot of traffic and it's a bit of a drive for me. Why don't we meet somewhere in between our homes?" Instead, you come on here complaining that he didn't make a good choice and was inconsiderate of your ideals for a first meeting? sorry for the rant.

The last guy I dated lives about the same distance away if not further traffic-wise since he's in the direction of LA. He insisted on driving all the way to meet me rather than picking somewhere in between because he said 'the man should drive to the woman for the first meet'. Maybe you should be pissed off with other men too. I'm about things being simple and fair to everyone for a first meet and finding a suitable place somewhere in between. It's a character flaw of mine I know to like to have a feeling that things are fair for everyone.

This guy asked if I'd like to meet for a drink and I said yes. Then he started talking about where and I wasn't on Google maps to know where he was thinking about since I've never been to where he lives.I didn't think about the extra holiday traffic while I was on the phone and the 40 minute drive time is what it would be if the roads are moving. I'm new to So Cal and the normal traffic here makes me a bit anxious.

I'm not complaining here so much as asking people's views on a first meet since I've only had three and they all wanted to take me out to lunch somewhere near where I live. I should mention that he hadn't even read my last message back to him from Saturday morning, so I'm taking that and his suggestion to meet near him as maybe a lower level of interest. I absolutely still can say to him "it's a holiday weekend, there is likely to be a lot of traffic and it's a bit of a drive for me. Why don't we meet somewhere in between our homes?". Sheesh! Considering what to do and asking people's advice isn't necessarily complaining. Don't be so angry! :flowerforyou:

For me 40 minutes is my normal commute to work and what I tend to drive to play sports etc so it isn't a long drive. I know others find it to be one. Are their areas between you that would be as nice to go to as the beach? I know it is a pain because it is the holiday and that would be the only reason I wouldn't want to go but if there is something cool going on I wouldn't mind it.

There are 4 reasonably good sized towns/cities between where I live and his town and it's almost all urban sprawl between them. I'm sure they all have many Starbucks and bars with a happy hour (his suggestion) to meet. That's why it struck me as a little odd that he wouldn't suggest somewhere a little more equidistant.

Distance (and the perception of it) is a major factor. I believe in keeping distances limited, as when two people live too far away, they won't be able to see each regularly enough to have something sustainable.

My experience is that women met online tend to be very flaky, so scheduling something close to my apartment is usually the way the go. Women met through Meetups are maybe slightly better, but not better enough on the whole to change the idea of meeting close to my apartment.

Distance is a major factor to me, but this is something I would think is manageable for a relationship. I seem to recall that you look for women in their 20s online, so it's no big surprise to me if they're flaky. I probably was a bit at that age, but I'm a 42 year-old career woman now and not at all flaky, and I would expect matches who want to date me to NOT assume that I'm flaky and they need to arrange the date near them so they are expending minimal effort.

My searches on POF are set to 10 miles, but he contacted me - so logic would dictate that he should be the one prepared to drive the longer distance. :bigsmile:

40 min is not a bad drive for me either...not ideal, but not terrible. Add to that all the holiday traffic and may not be too wonderful. So, if he comes up with a great thing to do....then go for it, probably be worth the drive, BUT if not, suggest meeting more in the middle.

FWIW, I felt the same way when I was meeting a guy a while back. I wasn't really sure I was going to like him, not sure how interested, etc. I went anyway, (he lived an hour away, and we did meet in the middle). We ended up dating for several months, he was a great guy. Obviously, it didn't work, but I am still glad that I went and that I had the time with him. So, you just never know

I'm glad that worked out well for you before Moe - dating for several months is a pretty good outcome! He did meet you half way though to get things off to a good start.

pa_jorg

I get what the OP is saying. However, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this situation because it seems like he is trying to plan something around the beach venue...clearly a specific location that has a seasonal vibe and would most likely be a nice (and possibly romantic) place for a first date.

Mellie289

I get what the OP is saying. However, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this situation because it seems like he is trying to plan something around the beach venue...clearly a specific location that has a seasonal vibe and would most likely be a nice (and possibly romantic) place for a first date.

^Exactly. Now that I've read what you wrote (the possibly romantic part), I'm inclined to message him back to see about meeting somewhere in between. I would prefer the possibly romantic planning to be for a date with someone I've already met once.

pa_jorg

I get what the OP is saying. However, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this situation because it seems like he is trying to plan something around the beach venue...clearly a specific location that has a seasonal vibe and would most likely be a nice (and possibly romantic) place for a first date.

^Exactly. Now that I've read what you wrote (the possibly romantic part), I'm inclined to message him back to see about meeting somewhere in between. I would prefer the possibly romantic planning to be for a date with someone I've already met once.

I think you can easily say you forgot it was a holiday weekend and traffic will be crazy, what about meeting at this place ____ instead?

Mellie289

I get what the OP is saying. However, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this situation because it seems like he is trying to plan something around the beach venue...clearly a specific location that has a seasonal vibe and would most likely be a nice (and possibly romantic) place for a first date.

^Exactly. Now that I've read what you wrote (the possibly romantic part), I'm inclined to message him back to see about meeting somewhere in between. I would prefer the possibly romantic planning to be for a date with someone I've already met once.

I think you can easily say you forgot it was a holiday weekend and traffic will be crazy, what about meeting at this place ____ instead?

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

pa_jorg

I get what the OP is saying. However, I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt in this situation because it seems like he is trying to plan something around the beach venue...clearly a specific location that has a seasonal vibe and would most likely be a nice (and possibly romantic) place for a first date.

^Exactly. Now that I've read what you wrote (the possibly romantic part), I'm inclined to message him back to see about meeting somewhere in between. I would prefer the possibly romantic planning to be for a date with someone I've already met once.

I think you can easily say you forgot it was a holiday weekend and traffic will be crazy, what about meeting at this place ____ instead?

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

I'm glad you followed your instinct and hope the date goes well!

JanieJack

I think you can easily say you forgot it was a holiday weekend and traffic will be crazy, what about meeting at this place ____ instead?

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

Jumping in a little late... but just to throw out my two cents... if a man asked me out but wanted me to do all the driving I would be less likely to go unless he had some seriously compelling reason (like a huge beach festival or gallery opening) he couldn't come to where I was or meet in the middle. My experience does not mirror that of others, but I've found that guys who are more willing to make that kind initial effort are the ones who (at least appear) more interested in looking for a relationship vice a hook-up.

Plus, I too, prefer the initial meeting to be more low key and less romantic.

That said, I usually don’t care what we do for a date, but I am upfront with my opinion if asked or if it’s one of the rare things (like super smoky venues) that I really care about, which is why I like the above response.

DMZ_1

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

I like how open and assertive you are. Being communicative is a good thing. But think about this. If things go well, you are going to be scheduling with this person regularly. Think not just about your first get together, but also take the slightly longer view as well. Is this person so far away that scheduling on a regular basis is going to be cumbersome? Only you can answer that.

I also go back to the original premise; did he have a particularly compelling idea or venue in mind? Shortening the distance for a less special venue isn’t great either. I didn’t get the sense that this guy was particular organized and detail oriented with what he wanted to do on Saturday. I'm very organized in presenting my date ideas.

To me, there's not an agreed upon plan yet.

I seem to recall that you look for women in their 20s online, so it's no big surprise to me if they're flaky. I probably was a bit at that age, but I'm a 42 year-old career woman now and not at all flaky, and I would expect matches who want to date me to NOT assume that I'm flaky and they need to arrange the date near them so they are expending minimal effort.

My searches on POF are set to 10 miles, but he contacted me - so logic would dictate that he should be the one prepared to drive the longer distance. :bigsmile:

I am in my 20s, so looking for others in my age group makes sense. A typical 25 year old is going to be flakier than a 42 year old. A typical 25 year old also has more options. This is one factor, but perspective is bigger. The current 25 year old is much more narcissistic than a woman is her 40s now was at age 25 in the 1990s. Sometimes it is hard to think that the 1990s are ancient history in certain contexts.

Mellie289

Janie and Dave - there is no compelling reason, like some beach event going on. His suggestion was maybe a happy hour at some place on the beach, something you could do any weekend of the year.

Dave, the distance is not terrible for a long term thing. I can easily envision spending lots of time together if we got to the stage of staying the night no problem. We obviously still don't know a lot about each other, but where I could see a problem ultimately is if he would be unwilling to move down the road in the case of marriage... so, if he's married to living at the beach. To me, it would be unreasonable to expect one partner to do all the lengthy commuting to work every day to work.

Mellie289

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

total STRANGER!!! I wish I could still edit to put that r in there. LOL! Hopefully that typo isn't a prediction of the date.

TheKitsune6

I would be far less interested in driving 40 minutes to meet someone... ESPECIALLY if when they called to talk I was BORED. Distance is something that I consider to be an issue though. That being said, my last long term relationship lived 45 minutes from me and it was dandy. Though I didn't meet him online and knew I was genuinely interested before things got serious.

So the most important factor, for me, is less about what other people may have as far as opinions about how far away a significant other should live, but the fact that you aren't exactly enthused about this guy to begin with. Gas is too expensive to waste on a talkative bore.

BUT I think you handled it like a champ and I do hope you have fun.

TheKitsune6

Done. I told him I didn't realize how far away he lived while I was on the phone and that I'm concerned about the holiday traffic. I said that the beautiful beach place sounds nice but I'd prefer something a little more low key for a first meet and I suggested two towns about half way. Considering how most first meets go nowhere, I feel better about this now if I'm not going to be stuck in traffic for possibly 2+ hours on Saturday to have one drink with a total strange.

total STRANGER!!! I wish I could still edit to put that r in there. LOL! Hopefully that typo isn't a prediction of the date.

HAHAHA Freud would be proud!

AnnaPixie

A) I would meet him half way :flowerforyou:

MikeM53082

I just got off the phone with a match from OKC who asked me out for a drink on Saturday - maybe late afternoon. He's going to see what events are going on in his beach town. I was kind of a little put off that he didn't offer to meet me half way, but I went along with it for now (he's supposed to get back to me for us to decide on a place still). didn't really know where his town was and just looked at the map and it's about a 40 minute drive.

To me, a first meet should be minimal effort, so both people trying to meet in the middle would seem appropriate. On the other hand, if there's something to do at the beach, maybe it's worth the drive. I'm kind of lukewarm on him - he talked a lot during our phone conversation but didn't really hold my attention. I was getting a little bored, but it was a cold call from a total stranger, so I want to cut some slack there.

What would you do? A.) Try to keep it a quick meet somewhere in between or B.) drive a long way in holiday weekend traffic to meet someone who maybe has some potential, but you're not sure about, especially when you think a considerate person would have offered A. as the plan.

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

Mellie289

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

That was my thinking too. So, it leaves me to think he's not the kind of guy to do that or he's not that into meeting me.

He has now replied to my message and agreed to meet half way though. We'll talk later in the week to set a time and place.

MissingMinnesota

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

That was my thinking too. So, it leaves me to think he's not the kind of guy to do that or he's not that into meeting me.

He has now replied to my message and agreed to meet half way though. We'll talk later in the week to set a time and place.

This is a first meet from an online dating site, I don't think you can judge if he is that kind of guy or not that into meeting you by where he first suggested you meet. He probably picked some place close to him since he was familar with it. He has shown he is open to meeting you in the middle so I would not try to judge him prior to meeting him just by this interaction.

flimflamfloz

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

That was my thinking too. So, it leaves me to think he's not the kind of guy to do that or he's not that into meeting me.
He has now replied to my message and agreed to meet half way though. We'll talk later in the week to set a time and place.

This is a first meet from an online dating site, I don't think you can judge if he is that kind of guy or not that into meeting you by where he first suggested you meet. He probably picked some place close to him since he was familar with it. He has shown he is open to meeting you in the middle so I would not try to judge him prior to meeting him just by this interaction.

This. Thank god...

People, get real. He doesn't owe you anything at this stage. He wants to meet you apparently, but he doesn't have to go out of his way to do this - neither do you.
Plus he shouldn't be "into you" at this stage. Thinking otherwise is wrong, since that would make him a needy creep - or after sex. He doesn't even know you...

Carl01

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

That was my thinking too. So, it leaves me to think he's not the kind of guy to do that or he's not that into meeting me.
He has now replied to my message and agreed to meet half way though. We'll talk later in the week to set a time and place.

This is a first meet from an online dating site, I don't think you can judge if he is that kind of guy or not that into meeting you by where he first suggested you meet. He probably picked some place close to him since he was familar with it. He has shown he is open to meeting you in the middle so I would not try to judge him prior to meeting him just by this interaction.

This. Thank god...

People, get real. He doesn't owe you anything at this stage. He wants to meet you apparently, but he doesn't have to go out of his way to do this - neither do you.
Plus he shouldn't be "into you" at this stage. Thinking otherwise is wrong, since that would make him a needy creep - or after sex. He doesn't even know you...

Kind of with you on that flam.
Not wanting to sound mean but a part of me is thinking,jeez what has a guy got to do?
Think about it from his standpoint trying to plan something nice/fun in a place he is a stranger to.

From the guys standpoint he has no idea really what kind of meeting is going to be a positive or which will not be regarded as good.
Most guys are aware there are few second chances from that.

Mellie289

If I was really into a girl and she lived 40 minutes away, I'd drive 40 minutes and meet her at a time that was convenient for her. I'd do that for the first handful of dates too if I really liked her. That's just me though.

That was my thinking too. So, it leaves me to think he's not the kind of guy to do that or he's not that into meeting me.
He has now replied to my message and agreed to meet half way though. We'll talk later in the week to set a time and place.

This is a first meet from an online dating site, I don't think you can judge if he is that kind of guy or not that into meeting you by where he first suggested you meet. He probably picked some place close to him since he was familar with it. He has shown he is open to meeting you in the middle so I would not try to judge him prior to meeting him just by this interaction.

This. Thank god...

People, get real. He doesn't owe you anything at this stage. He wants to meet you apparently, but he doesn't have to go out of his way to do this - neither do you.
Plus he shouldn't be "into you" at this stage. Thinking otherwise is wrong, since that would make him a needy creep - or after sex. He doesn't even know you...

Kind of with you on that flam.
Not wanting to sound mean but a part of me is thinking,jeez what has a guy got to do?
Think about it from his standpoint trying to plan something nice/fun in a place he is a stranger to.

From the guys standpoint he has no idea really what kind of meeting is going to be a positive or which will not be regarded as good.
Most guys are aware there are few second chances from that.

Points taken. It's very typical of us women to over-think and over-analyze and this didn't sound mean - I was needing a slap in the face and for someone to say "snap out of it" it seems. :blushing:

RMuske

I went on a few dates with people I met on Match.com and for all but one of them I had to drive at least 30 minutes to meet the guy. No one lived all that close to me. The guy I am serious with now from Match.com lives in a different city technically that is 45 minutes from me. He is worth every boring moment of the commute.

If you would prefer to meet in the middle ask him but to me 25-30 minutes vs 40 isn't that big a difference. Especially if he comes up with something super fun to do.