Why does this bother me more than if he said he had a

JanieJack

Someone I haven't met in person (and won't... let's face it, I'm moving in 6 weeks) wrote this (unsolicited) about his son, who he has 50% of the time:

"His mother and I are still really good friends and respect each other highly. Our relationship just didn't work out and it is what it is."

For some reason, this makes me uncomfortable. Which is funny because you think you'd WANT to get involved with someone who is on good terms with their ex. I do know the part about "it just didn't work out" makes me feel like this individual takes a casual approach to romance, and I'm not looking for someone who views romantic relationships as temporary (I'm surprised how many people feel that way). I just can't figure out why it bothers me that they're good friends and respect each other highly. Seems like the no-drama ideal.

Your thoughts?

JanieJack

oops. the title was supposed to be "Why does this bother me more than if he said he had a bad divorce"

guess the title was too long.

christine24t

Someone I haven't met in person (and won't... let's face it, I'm moving in 6 weeks) wrote this (unsolicited) about his son, who he has 50% of the time:

"His mother and I are still really good friends and respect each other highly. Our relationship just didn't work out and it is what it is."

For some reason, this makes me uncomfortable. Which is funny because you think you'd WANT to get involved with someone who is on good terms with their ex. I do know the part about "it just didn't work out" makes me feel like this individual takes a casual approach to romance, and I'm not looking for someone who views romantic relationships as temporary (I'm surprised how many people feel that way). I just can't figure out why it bothers me that they're good friends and respect each other highly. Seems like the no-drama ideal.

Your thoughts?

I feel like it's a way of saying either a) i'm protecting my heart by saying that it didn't affect me that much b) i didn't have a part in our breakup (by saying "it is what it is" is kind of passive to me in the sense that "I couldn't do anything to change it.)

NCTravellingGirl

It just seems to me like one of those phrases people use rather than going into the details of WHY it didn't work out... sort of keeping your dirty laundry to yourself so to speak. I don't have any problem with it.

I think you've said in previous posts though that something similar bothered you because it implied they hadn't really analyzed and learned from what caused the relationship to fail, so I'm wondering if that's what you're thinking about THIS guy.... my 2 cents

DMZ_1

No idea why that bothers you. What would matter is that he would have no intention of returning to her.

But with you moving in 6 weeks, the point is kind of moot anyway.

JanieJack

No idea why that bothers you.

Lol! Not asking other people why they think it bothers *me* :-) I'll figure it out when I get some downtime to think about it.

Am more curious whether any one else hesitates when presented with someone who is on really good terms with their ex, and, if so, why.

DMZ_1

Am more curious whether any one else hesitates when presented with someone who is on really good terms with their ex, and, if so, why.

When you put it that way, that is an interesting framework for discussion.

I would be slightly concerned about someone who was never married (most of my interaction with singles are with never marrieds) and on really good terms. Good terms is fine, but exceptionally good terms could be a cause for concern. I'd be interested in knowing about frequency of communication and what sort of in exposure they have to that desire. I would like for them to come out and say that they have no intention of returning to that ex.

But most importantly, I'd like to be in the moment with them, creating memorable experiences and making them desire me and have me as the centerpiece. Perhaps the best defense against a return to an ex where there are good terms is a good offense, and creating a terrific current relationship seems to be a good strategy in quelling a desire to revisit the past.

Mellie289

I haven't encountered that before, but I think I might find it a bit uncomfortable unless I could see how they interact. If there was any kind of flirty behavior, I wouldn't like it at all. It would undermine my trust. If they were clearly just platonic, I'd relax a bit and see that it is a good thing in particular if they have a child together. So, yes, it would give me pause as well. I wouldn't exclude someone right off the bat for a comment like that - I'd try to find out more by my own observations, but I certainly would be a little hesitant.

Carl01

I would say that there is a predisposition to take an ended marriage as being a bad relationship.
If the parties don`t act as such or exhibit the somewhat norm of hurt/bitterness it sudden becomes an unknown and therfore unsettling entity.

kristen6022

I think when children are involved, ending a relationship "well" is the only way to be. It's hard enough for the child to know that "Mom and Dad" aren't together any more, but when "Mom and Dad" fight and hate each other it's even worse.

Some marriages just end because one of the parties realizes either 1) they don't love the other any more 2) they got married too early and it was a bad decision. It's not that they "hate" the other, it's just that they realize that the other deserves someone that loves them and they are better not being together.

I wouldn't be weirded out by it. I'd take it that they were "adults" and they know how to get along with each other for the good of the child.

JanieJack

I would say that there is a predisposition to take an ended marriage as being a bad relationship.
If the parties don`t act as such or exhibit the somewhat norm of hurt/bitterness it sudden becomes an unknown and therfore unsettling entity.

Upon further reflection, I think what bothers me about what he wrote is that I feel he will likely share the (common) perception that relationships are temporary. They ebb and flow and eventually you grow out of it. And there's nothing you can do to prevent it, it just happens. And when it happens, each party deserves better so clearly the best decision is to move on. Not a judgement on people who feel this way, but I do not believe this, and I feel this mindset goes a long way towards predisposing a marriage or LTR toward eventual failure. I'm looking for someone who values commitment to the relationship itself, who understands that a couple can actively work against "growing apart," and is willing to do so (an unpopular opinion in our culture these days).

And there's also the "why are you 'really good friends' with an ex?" consideration. My ex and I get along very well when we have to interact for our son and also because neither one of us is the kind to hold grudges. But that doesn't mean I would imply to a romantic potential that we are "really good friends." I don't want to be the next "really good friend."

porcelain_doll

I think I understand what you're saying. It just seems weird, right? I just met a person on this site (well, "met" in the virtual sense) that told me he and his wife are divorcing, that they have been separated a few different times before and are now splitting for good. Then he said that she is his best friend, but they just can't be married. I guess maybe it is a concept that I just don't get. I have had another friend divorce her husband after realizing they were better off as just friends. I don't know. It really does not make sense to me. It just seems like something a couple would realize prior to walking down the aisle unless it was a very quick wedding for some reason. But what do I know? Maybe I haven't had enough male friends (or boyfriends) to really understand it.

Moe4572

My parents divorced when I was two and both remarried when I was four.....all four parents get along very well and my mom and stepmom have become very close friends. I would much rather have someone. I was dating have an amicable relationshi than an explosive one; and if they " highly respected" each other .....even better

SweetBasil35

I would say that there is a predisposition to take an ended marriage as being a bad relationship.
If the parties don`t act as such or exhibit the somewhat norm of hurt/bitterness it sudden becomes an unknown and therfore unsettling entity.

Upon further reflection, I think what bothers me about what he wrote is that I feel he will likely share the (common) perception that relationships are temporary. They ebb and flow and eventually you grow out of it. And there's nothing you can do to prevent it, it just happens. And when it happens, each party deserves better so clearly the best decision is to move on. Not a judgement on people who feel this way, but I do not believe this, and I feel this mindset goes a long way towards predisposing a marriage or LTR toward eventual failure. I'm looking for someone who values commitment to the relationship itself, who understands that a couple can actively work against "growing apart," and is willing to do so (an unpopular opinion in our culture these days).

And there's also the "why are you 'really good friends' with an ex?" consideration. My ex and I get along very well when we have to interact for our son and also because neither one of us is the kind to hold grudges. But that doesn't mean I would imply to a romantic potential that we are "really good friends." I don't want to be the next "really good friend."

BRAVO! I think you're a smart chick!

jenbit

OK this sounds like me and my ex-husband. This is also how I respond to questions about us breaking up and where we stand now. The truth is we have been split for over 7 years now and we are good friends. Plus dregging up the stuff we broke up over seems kinda silly at this point and really would have nothing to do with a new realtionship... Maybe this is how that guy feels

AnnaPixie

No, I prefer someone who gets on with people. I get on with my ex's just fine. When there are children involved the best scenario is a that ex's are friends. No drama!

I trust people though. So if they say there is nothing between them and an ex, then I believe them. Why? Because there is nothing between me and my ex's and never will be again. They are an ex for a reason.

Obviously if there IS still feeling there, then I would proceed with caution, but I've never known anyone to track back to an ex when in another relationship, once that relationship is truly over. In fact, IMO it's when the relationship is TRULY over that you consider yourself friends again! :flowerforyou:

TheKitsune6

My roommate has a child with his ex-wife. I knew them back when they were married and used to babysit for them, so I saw that their relationship was TOXIC. It literally seemed like they were together out of a mutual hatred.

Fast forward a couple years, they're divorced and they get along really well. They have respect for each other and communicate well in regards to their daughter. When people want to know more he literally says "It just didn't work out." or "It is what it is." because beyond them not being together anymore it's quite personal.

So if someone were to offer that explanation to me, I would see it as a way of saying "**** happened. It sucked but it's cool now. She has to be in my life because we have a kid together. Details later if we develop a relationship." and that would prevent me from what some people see as a polite "Oh no, what happened?" I would see it as no reason to consider otherwise.