"Serial dater"
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
"Serial dater"
What does that phrase mean to you?
What does that phrase mean to you?
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Replies
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I just take it to mean that someone will continue to date until they find the one that makes them want to not date other people.
Of course, I put a positve spin on this because I am one. But in all fairness, I always pay my way.0 -
I'd say that its someone more interesed in dating than getting serious :flowerforyou: They dont really give love a chance as they're too busy setting up their next date than to concentrate on one person that might go the distance. Nobody is good enough for that. Emotionally distant, they will always find excuses as to why they didnt give someone a chance or get too involved.
And I guess it has something to do with numbers as well, but I wouldnt be able to define how many dates make the numbers up to a serial count :flowerforyou:0 -
Epic time waster. There are some different sub species of the serial dater.
Some of these women are great at stringing along guys, making excuses and generally not showing high interest levels.
Some of these women often go on a lot of first dates but rarely get beyond that stage.
Now, I can give a concrete example of how I identified and avoided a serial dater.
I was at a Meetup recently, talking with this one woman. She was 27 and about a 6 to 6.5 in looks. She was giving me some decent signals, as she was flirtatiously playing with her hair when talking to me. Now during our conversation, another female she knows came over to her while talking to me and asked her a personal question. This question revealed that the woman that I was chatting with was "on a break from her boyfriend and dating around". That's an example of a serial dater, so I didn't ask her for her number or propose any future plans with her. Why? Because I saw her intentions. What she was going to do was survey the market, see what other guys were out there, and stack them up against her ex, likely choosing to return to her ex based on the comfort. Meanwhile, her ex was likely playing the field and would probably only return to her if he failed to get something better. I did not wish to facilitate her efforts in surveying the market, as I could tell that she was not going to be serious about the process of opening herself to me and developing a sensible, meaningful relationship.0 -
Most of the serial daters I know are looking for a LTR but just haven't met the right person. Usually they are pretty picky about who they enter a relationship with, but not about who they date.0
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Epic time waster. There are some different sub species of the serial dater.
Some of these women are great at stringing along guys, making excuses and generally not showing high interest levels.
Some of these women often go on a lot of first dates but rarely get beyond that stage.
Now, I can give a concrete example of how I identified and avoided a serial dater.
Well you would hate me then, since I can be considered a serial dater. I go on many first dates and if I don't feel it is necessary to go on another, I won't accept one- however if I have agreed to go on the first date it is usually because I have felt we have quite a bit in common and it could be a potential match for me. I also refuse dates from guys who I don't feel it necessary for them to waste their money on me since I am completely not interested.
Now, my current situation- I was dating a guy for several months who I really liked but he was having ex issues so I started dating again. Set up 2 first dates on the same weekend, thought one was a better match then the other, well based on our dates, I am still dating the "wrong match" so I think accepting these dates from guys that I am sorta interested in could have me not lose out on guys that may not be my best match on paper but a better match in life. However, I am not sure if the guy I am dating wants to be long term (IMO-too early yet for the "talk") so I have continued to set up dates with other guys that I feel could be a better potential match.0 -
See I'm afraid of becoming "this" which is what most of you have described as more than one date in the works at a time, I tend to do one at a time and then feel that I wasted alot of time on one person if it doesn't work out, then find it even harder to start over again.... One at a time.
I feel like dating more than one person at a time is emotionally cheating.... and I'm not intelligent enough to cheat, so I get all nervous that he other will find out. That's how I associate the word "cheat" with it.
Sucks to be me.0 -
See I'm afraid of becoming "this" which is what most of you have described as more than one date in the works at a time, I tend to do one at a time and then feel that I wasted alot of time on one person if it doesn't work out, then find it even harder to start over again.... One at a time.
I feel like dating more than one person at a time is emotionally cheating.... and I'm not intelligent enough to cheat, so I get all nervous that he other will find out. That's how I associate the word "cheat" with it.
Sucks to be me.
When I am busier, I tend to do the one at a time too, but you can't put all your eggs in one basket when that basket isn't a for sure thing.
I admit when I started dating again after the guy with ex issues, I felt like I was emotionally cheating and had to get approval from many of my friends that I should date again instead of waiting for him to figure out what he wants. But I have needs too so if they aren't sure they want to fulfill my needs, I should be open to date. In the initial stages of all dating, it's not a for sure thing so it's not cheating. It is only cheating if you agreed to be in a commited relationship.0 -
Most of the serial daters I know are looking for a LTR but just haven't met the right person. Usually they are pretty picky about who they enter a relationship with, but not about who they date.
This.0 -
Did I miss something? Did JJ say female serial dater? So this is acceptable for the men but not the women or as long as we keep it to ourselves? So it is better to be a closet serial dater.0
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Means absolutely nothing to me, though it does make me miss being able to eat Cheerios0
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I feel like dating more than one person at a time is emotionally cheating.... and I'm not intelligent enough to cheat, so I get all nervous that he other will find out. That's how I associate the word "cheat" with it.
Maybe reframe it not as "dating" but as "meeting." I go on many "meets" and realize the guy is not a good match and we never go out again. It’s like someone else said about being picky who you get into a relationship with, but not picky about who you date.
I don’t even feel like I KNOW who you are after 2-3 dates... I know who you PRESENT yourself to be, who you want me to see you as… but it takes time before a person’s REAL SELF comes out, and I’m not going to hide myself away until enough of your outer persona fades away that I can begin to see that you are someone I (long term) might want to settle down with. Edit: I'm too old to waste that kind of time! When I meet someone I really think has potential, believe me, every other guy fades into the background naturally.I have needs too so if they aren't sure they want to fulfill my needs, I should be open to date. In the initial stages of all dating, it's not a for sure thing so it's not cheating. It is only cheating if you agreed to be in a committed relationship.
Exactly.0 -
Well you would hate me then, since I can be considered a serial dater. I go on many first dates and if I don't feel it is necessary to go on another, I won't accept one- however if I have agreed to go on the first date it is usually because I have felt we have quite a bit in common and it could be a potential match for me. I also refuse dates from guys who I don't feel it necessary for them to waste their money on me since I am completely not interested.
Now, my current situation- I was dating a guy for several months who I really liked but he was having ex issues so I started dating again. Set up 2 first dates on the same weekend, thought one was a better match then the other, well based on our dates, I am still dating the "wrong match" so I think accepting these dates from guys that I am sorta interested in could have me not lose out on guys that may not be my best match on paper but a better match in life. However, I am not sure if the guy I am dating wants to be long term (IMO-too early yet for the "talk") so I have continued to set up dates with other guys that I feel could be a better potential match.
Never assume. Just the mere fact that you refuse dates so as to save men money isn't quite what I would call a serial dater. That would come across as considerate to me. Serial daters, as roadie said, are often rather picky on LTRs. Being picky in itself is not a bad thing, but there are people (both male and female) who are overly fussy.
The focus on quantity over quality in setting up dates has detrimental effects for both men and women. Both sides need to be more selective on who they set up first dates with, thinking that you should easily be able to imagine going on multiple dates with the person before setting up a first date. That's part of why I think there are way too many failed first dates.0 -
I'd say that its someone more interesed in dating than getting serious :flowerforyou: They dont really give love a chance as they're too busy setting up their next date than to concentrate on one person that might go the distance. Nobody is good enough for that. Emotionally distant, they will always find excuses as to why they didnt give someone a chance or get too involved.
And I guess it has something to do with numbers as well, but I wouldnt be able to define how many dates make the numbers up to a serial count :flowerforyou:
Exactly. They aren't dating for a reason they date for the thrill of it.0 -
I'd say that its someone more interesed in dating than getting serious :flowerforyou: They dont really give love a chance as they're too busy setting up their next date than to concentrate on one person that might go the distance. Nobody is good enough for that. Emotionally distant, they will always find excuses as to why they didnt give someone a chance or get too involved.
And I guess it has something to do with numbers as well, but I wouldnt be able to define how many dates make the numbers up to a serial count :flowerforyou:
Exactly. They aren't dating for a reason they date for the thrill of it.
I'll third this one.0 -
Both sides need to be more selective on who they set up first dates with, thinking that you should easily be able to imagine going on multiple dates with the person before setting up a first date.
If I were that selective, I would never have gone out with any of the guys who turned out to be my favorites- one would have been too old and paunchy, one too gansta, and one too country. Yet I had great times with all three of them. Many good memories. As different as life would be with each of them, I could, at one point, see myself making a good happy fun life with any of them. OTOH, the guys who (on paper or on the phone) seemed like "a perfect match" were definately one-and-dones.0 -
I think being a serial dater does have to do with intent. If you are just accepting dates from anyone even if you don't see any potential just because you are bored or want a free meal, then that may make you more of a serial dater. Or if you are someone who is always looking for something better so you want to keep going out and comparing options.
If you are just trying to find a match for you, and may have multiple dates in a week or a month, I don't really consider that being a perpetual serial dater. Only if you were really only intending to date around indefinitely and were wasting the time of your suitors who may have more serious intentions.0 -
I feel like dating more than one person at a time is emotionally cheating.... and I'm not intelligent enough to cheat, so I get all nervous that he other will find out. That's how I associate the word "cheat" with it.
Maybe reframe it not as "dating" but as "meeting." I go on many "meets" and realize the guy is not a good match and we never go out again. It’s like someone else said about being picky who you get into a relationship with, but not picky about who you date.
I don’t even feel like I KNOW who you are after 2-3 dates... I know who you PRESENT yourself to be, who you want me to see you as… but it takes time before a person’s REAL SELF comes out, and I’m not going to hide myself away until enough of your outer persona fades away that I can begin to see that you are someone I (long term) might want to settle down with. Edit: I'm too old to waste that kind of time! When I meet someone I really think has potential, believe me, every other guy fades into the background naturally.I have needs too so if they aren't sure they want to fulfill my needs, I should be open to date. In the initial stages of all dating, it's not a for sure thing so it's not cheating. It is only cheating if you agreed to be in a committed relationship.
Exactly.
I agree with Janie here - I don't think of the first time I meet someone so much as a "date" as a "first meet". To me, dating multiple people like this could never constitute cheating because you aren't in a relationship. There's no implied trust or expectations of being exclusive.
I don't like the idea of juggling multiple people though if we were to get past the first meet. To me, I would feel that it still isn't cheating, but it could certainly be damaging to any potential if someone thinks you are dating around and not really into him, so it would seem a little more sneaky to not advertise what you are doing. I tend to share what I'm doing with people I talk to (friends, BFs, dates), so it would feel a bit dishonest, like a lie by omission, to date more than one person for any period of time beyond the first meet. I don't like to feel like I'm being sneaky. That's not to say that I would judge others who do because, again, it's not cheating. This is just how my brain is wired and my hangup.0 -
This post expresses exactly how I see it too. Intent is more important than the number of dates in a particular amount of time.I think being a serial dater does have to do with intent. If you are just accepting dates from anyone even if you don't see any potential just because you are bored or want a free meal, then that may make you more of a serial dater. Or if you are someone who is always looking for something better so you want to keep going out and comparing options.
If you are just trying to find a match for you, and may have multiple dates in a week or a month, I don't really consider that being a perpetual serial dater. Only if you were really only intending to date around indefinitely and were wasting the time of your suitors who may have more serious intentions.0 -
I don`t presume that there is automatically a negative connotation involved,it very well could be a person that for whatever their reasons justs wants to have fun without the thought of it being a mating game.
Where it can get tricky is when the money issue comes up...just looking for a guy to be the one to entertain you to a night out regularly.
That is different then going out with numerous guys once or maybe twice.
The corollary to that would be the guy that wants a trophy at his side without giving any consideration that she perhaps (or probably) is infatuated with him while he has no intentions of anything more.
A fine balance.0 -
I'd say that its someone more interesed in dating than getting serious :flowerforyou: They dont really give love a chance as they're too busy setting up their next date than to concentrate on one person that might go the distance. Nobody is good enough for that. Emotionally distant, they will always find excuses as to why they didnt give someone a chance or get too involved.
And I guess it has something to do with numbers as well, but I wouldnt be able to define how many dates make the numbers up to a serial count :flowerforyou:
Exactly. They aren't dating for a reason they date for the thrill of it.
I'll third this one.
I will "fourth" this0 -
I don`t presume that there is automatically a negative connotation involved,it very well could be a person that for whatever their reasons justs wants to have fun without the thought of it being a mating game.
whoo-wee this could be a whooooole 'nother topic. When I first became single, I wanted to get out and meet guys w/o the pressure of trying to immediately settle down/look for "the one." So I told new guys I wasn't looking for a relationship but just to have fun. Wrong answer!!! What I meant: let's go out to dinner, events, even hang out etc w/no sex and no relationship. What they heard: She wants to have NSA sex.0 -
I've always subcribed to the philosophy of "do to others what you would have them do to you". Therefore, when I meet someone I like, I won't communicate with anyone else. Period.
Sure, they might be dating around, but I just don't feel right doing so. If I like someone, I try to give it 100% and I know if I have other dates lined up, I won't give each women the 100% they truly deserve.0 -
I laughed when I read the question because it's one of those.... "There are two types of serial daters" answers. My first reaction is that the person enjoys the social aspect of dating, doesn't want to settle down, enjoys having more than one option, etc...so they just date a lot but never let it get serious with anyone and are pretty clear about what they want.
My second thought is that I see that phrased used to describe people who CLAIM they want a relationship yet never actually seem to settle down. I love the phrase "I'm just picky"... I'm not sure I BUY that or if they're really just type number one trying to fool themselves, haha!0 -
Serial dater? Yeah, they exist and created their own pain. As usual you get what you give.
If you invest little in each "date", never trust the person has potential to be a serious partner, are just "gauging" the situation all the time with minimal emotional investment, then expect the same caution from your date. Caution which can quickly turn into coldness, disinterest and comments like "Since he doesn't seem that much into me, let's not be into him, let's keep dating on the side".
It is obvious that someone has to say "I love you" first, but before that, one of the daters has to "be into" the other dater first.
(I should add that I'm not a believer in "love at first sight", only "attraction at first sight")
All of this to say what? To say that the so called "genuine" serial daters are in my opinion stuck in a loop where they've become cynical, who still feebly hope they might be swept off their feet, but never go to dates with a strong, deep enthusiasm and the strong conviction that they will meet someone interesting on their date.
I get that... It's also a defense mechanism against dating repeatedly, which is quite tiring emotionally, so it's probably better for their own sanity to be cynical rather than get hurt every time, but there is a price to pay for this: detachment.
They say they still want to find someone but don't believe it themselves anymore.0 -
When I first became single, I wanted to get out and meet guys w/o the pressure of trying to immediately settle down/look for "the one." So I told new guys I wasn't looking for a relationship but just to have fun. Wrong answer!!! What I meant: let's go out to dinner, events, even hang out etc w/no sex and no relationship. What they heard: She wants to have NSA sex.
So glad to know I wasn't the only one that has experienced this!! I have been on more "one and dones" than I care to admit, but I wouldn't call myself a serial dater. It's more that I know, or they know, after the first meeting that there wouldn't be anything more. And that's okay...I don't want to waste anyone's time or money. I genuinely want a relationship, but with my past I won't settle for just anything. So I keep looking.0
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