Battling the Negatives

shelbz2684

All my life I've dealt with negativity , some possibly could be from the verbal bullying I got in school, heartbreaks from guys, feeling like i disappoint parents sometimes cuz i can't do things right example fold laundry etc. I get my mind so wrapped up in the negatives it's extremely hard to try to think of the positive and sometimes i feel like i'm SO alone. always hear think positive...saying and doing totally different things....i also do think it's more of me being dissappointed in me. i get frustrated too easily, never quick learner like most and some things just hard for me to grasp on to and feel like no one can be patient with me. i had a great co-worker who was also my boss, also my friend, and was the big bro i never. had (unfortunatly over a year ago he died in a tragic car accident and i miss him so much)...he was so patient with me at work. when he knew i couldn't understand what he was saying, he'd take a minute and think of a way to say it in a way that I would understand, try to calm me to not get so frustrated. I swear he was the only human being that took the time and had enough patience with me. least it's the feeling that i get. I know we all go through ups and downs of a roller coaster ride in life and sometimes I think I hurt myself more (mentally) then the ones that hurt me (such as ex-boyfriends and such). I feel like when someone comes in my life such as a guy, and don't get me wrong, i do like them, and there's some that just didn't click. but ones i've liked...because i stay i really like them, but noticed i have this tendency of holding on to them for as long as i can because i always feel like people keep leaving me. over 6 year's ago my best friend mark died by committing suicide. it was quite a shocker and took it super hard. i did not want to live anymore. i seriously wanted to kill myself on my way to work the one day. then of course over a year ago tony the co-worker/boss died, any guys that come in my life which is SO SHORT of a time keep leaving me, i do wonder what i keep doing wrong in dating. am i pushy? needy? no one ever tells me. so i do need to lose a few lbs, but i need to lose some of this negativity mind, but it is SO hard when i've pretty much dealt with it for as far as i can remember. most times, even my own family don't know what i'm feeling, or even few of my friends, because i feel like they don't understand, you wish you had that one person that knew EXACTLY where you were coming from ya know.