Secret Relationships

JanieJack

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, kept a budding relationship secret until it became really solid? My initial instinct in such situations is that there’s an affair or some other negative reason behind wanting to keep things secret.

BUT when I became single a couple years ago, some of my single friends recommended I keep secret any guy I was really interested in because other women, once they found out about him (and especially if they had no male interests at the time), would ruin the relationship. I scoffed at that, until it happened to me last year.

While I wouldn’t do like my one guy friend- date someone for 2+ years and still no “facebook status,” at the same time I can understand keeping things low key for a bit. What do you think?

Daisy_Cutter

Yep -- I have.

I dated a guy that I worked with for about 2 years. We kept it a secret from everyone else we worked with (except two people) for over a year.

DMZ_1

I think it is a good idea to keep budding relationships mostly secret until they become solidified.

I do not list a "Facebook status", relationship or no relationship. Those who really know me know the story.

It's not comfortable to have a conversation with friends about why your first dates fail, or why things fell apart after a fourth date, etc. There's a slight similarity in this aspect of life as to the process of announcing a pregnancy. Many times, with a pregnancy, a woman will not announce a pregnancy to her social circle until it is obvious that she is going to carry to term. If someone announces too soon, and then there is a miscarriage, there's the trauma of a miscarriage and re-living it in conversations must not be a pleasant experience.

Early stage relationships are very volatile, so I think it is best to wait until solid footing has been achieved to start talking about it in terms of an actual relationship.

jenbit

hmmm just as long as you are clear why you are doing it. I had a miscommunication with a guy a few years ago. He didnt want anyone to know about us cause I had just gotten out of my marrige and he didn't want anyone to think he was taking advantage of me (his exact wording) which I though meant we were just FWB . Well when I broke off FWB to start dating someone it turned out that this guy had really liked me and was very upset. MIscommunication= ugly phone call

However if you both are clear why you are keeping it quiet then I think its a good idea to keep things kinda hush hush until you see where things are going. Just because it keeps people (male and female) from poking around

kristen6022

I think it's good to keep relationships early on secret until you are ready to introduce the person around to your friends/family. The amount of time will depend on how fast the relationship is progressing.

For instance, my friends know I'm dating "Guy A". They've met him when we were in a friend situation. I work with "Guy A" so people we work with don't know we are seeing each other or anyone else. We figure they don't need to know. We've had a few close calls where we've been on dates and have seen people we work with but they know we are good friends outside of work so they don't question it.

My parents know I "hang out" with "Guy A" alot but they don't know the extent of the relationship. They won't until I know it's solid. We are having fun, we don't need seriousness to f*** with that...LOL

farmers_daughter

I keep them low as low key as possible until I know for sure. Because I hate answering the question "Where's (that guy) at?"

I also personally hate being embarassed, I'd hate to go all out and really like him and tell people about us, only for it not to work.... then I look like I'm the one that screwed it up somehow...and then I'd have to explain.

So until I know it's a pretty good probability he'll be around for a while, I just keep it low key. He's just a friend.

pa_jorg

I think there are two different points here. One is keeping something that is developing as low key until there is a reason to mention it or introduce the person to family or friends. Since most of us probably go on more dates without anything materializing this makes a lot of sense for reasons mentioned above.

The other is truly being in a secret relationship... how and when do you define something as a relationship and why would you want it to remain a secret? I think both people need to be in agreement for this to work for more than a few months.

BUT when I became single a couple years ago, some of my single friends recommended I keep secret any guy I was really interested in because other women, once they found out about him (and especially if they had no male interests at the time), would ruin the relationship. I scoffed at that, until it happened to me last year.

Was this a friend that ruined a potential relationship for you? That really sucks.

Mellie289

I used to keep budding relationships secret - that was back when I was at university and people knew the guy. I didn't like the idea of dating someone under the scrutiny of friends, especially if it didn't turn out. Once we became a real couple, then I was happy for people to know. Only once was I ever in a secret relationship (past secret dating) with someone and he turned out to be a jerk.

These days, I share with my friends from initial communications through online dating. I think my attitude towards dating has changed and I'm not worried about being embarrassed in front of my friends if I'm rejected, I'm not dating in my friends circle or men at my place of work, and I like the idea of people knowing when I'm going to meet a total stranger I met through the internet - a combination of all three of these things has made me more open about sharing with friends my dating experiences and relationship progression.

MissingMinnesota

I have had 2 friends that kept relationships secret, both were dating guys they worked with.
One was my roommate/best friend who both were working as temps, her because they alwasy hired from temps not straight out and him because he was just working there for the summer, for the company I worked for. They kept it secert mainly because we were young and I would have picked on her for it, but they dated for 3 months and became engaged and have now been married for 10 years w/ 3 kids.
The other one was a friend of mine that I also worked with who was dating one of the guys on my team. They kept it secret because he was techanically higher level then him even though not her boss. It would have been frowned upon if it was known. They let everyone know when we all got our pink slips and then it didn't matter. They dated for about 6 more months after that and then broke up mainly due to him having to move back to the farm and distance.

So really it depends on the couple on if it will work or not and the reason for it being secret.

Jennifer2387

Since my divorce .. I have kept most of my dates to myself. I don't know that I would call them "secret" per say .. I just didn't care to get questions about someone that I may never see again.

This past relationship I didn't mention him for quite a while just because I didn't want my family to freak out that I was dating someone exclusively.

JanieJack

BUT when I became single a couple years ago, some of my single friends recommended I keep secret any guy I was really interested in because other women, once they found out about him (and especially if they had no male interests at the time), would ruin the relationship. I scoffed at that, until it happened to me last year.

Was this a friend that ruined a potential relationship for you? That really sucks.

No, she became friends with one of my best friends. My close friend got upset with me because a guy who she liked was interested in me. I foolishly reminded her that 99 our of 100 guys we meet are always interested in her (she's tall, blonde, beautiful, and thin) and not to begrudge me the one guy that actually finds me more attractive. I didn't realize how much she liked him, and I had no idea how angry she was going to get. So this other girl becomes close to her and began talking bad about me to my friend every time I tried to apologize. She also talked bad about me to the guy I was interested in at the time.

I found out by accident, as he and I were doing a movie shoot together and she texted him. He replied "JJ's here... will talk later" and for some reason he showed me his reply but didn’t want to show me the rest of the convo... I wanted to know what's up, because he knew about the friendship falling apart and also how this 3rd party had been making it hard for me to reconcile with my friend. So when I saw her text and he wouldn’t explain it, I grabbed his phone and discovered they’d had a loooooong text convo about me.

It hurts, but it was a key character flaw with him that he would put more stock in what a known liar and drama queen says than what I say. During moments when I start missing him, I think about this incident and reassure myself that “he was not the one.”

I thought it was a fluke, but a couple months ago I met someone on Match I actually wanted to keep dating and the same group of women messed that up too. Obviously, he’s not the one if he’ll let himself be led askew by these girls but they’re very pretty and very aggressive and hard to resist. So as much as it kills me I have not mentioned anyone else that I might be interested in at work, or allowed those facebook photos to be public, even to my good work friends.

Carl01

Respectful and discreet does not equal secret.

Secret implies shame and if the case is a bad situation developing.

AnnaPixie

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, kept a budding relationship secret until it became really solid?

Yes!! All the time. I'm never one to publicise my love life unless there is a future in it! :bigsmile:

My closest friend is usually in the know from 1st date stage though, so he gets a name and phone number, along with venue, for safety reasons :smokin:

BelMckenzie

I don't keep any secrets about my dating life and typically my friends/family know about a first date with a guy, to a guy that I have dated for several months (they know depending on if they asked what I was doing for the weekend or what I did). If the guys don't work out, then I just move on and if people ask I tell them it just didn't work out. It gets a little harder when I really like the guy, but I can handle it.

Moe4572

I will tell family and friends I have 1st date and if they ask tell them it's going well, or not. And, now, with online dating, I always give closest friend or cousin a name, number and where we are going, as Anna said, for safety reasons.

jenbit

Have you, or anyone you’ve known, kept a budding relationship secret until it became really solid?

Yes!! All the time. I'm never one to publicise my love life unless there is a future in it! :bigsmile:

My closest friend is usually in the know from 1st date stage though, so he gets a name and phone number, along with venue, for safety reasons :smokin:

Except for you guys of course. You know every dirty little secret and minor change that happens lol :embarassed:

sunnymel126

Normally, I do it all the time. I only tell one friend of mine about first dates. We are very close and she is a rare type of woman, not competitive, etc. Until just recently I made this mistake of telling one of my closest friends about the guy I was seeing. She was completely negative right from the beginning. She questioned me meeting him off POF and why hadn't I looked him up on Google yet to see if he had ever been arrested. I was thinking to myself this is our second date. I was just really happy with him and overjoyed. I guess I allowed that joy to overflow too much and told the wrong person. She basically stopped speaking to me after I told her about him, even cancelling a trip to the beach we had planned. I really thought it was childish and somewhat possessive or jealousy... not sure? It made me sad that I only dated this guy for about a month but she threw out our friendship over being negative. I really in my heart do not think she was happy for me at all and I could see it in her eyes when she asked me about him. It was a look that I truly did not appreciate and I won't be telling her anything personal in the future. It's her loss because I am a wonderful friend.

But I believe when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

farmers_daughter

Respectful and discreet does not equal secret.

Secret implies shame and if the case is a bad situation developing.

Good words to keep in my brain, Thanks Carl

JanieJack

when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Wow. Yes.

La_Amazona

I tell my friends and immediate family just because I'll be busier and they need to make plans with me in advance (as my boyfriend of the moment does too).

I made the HUGE mistake of going public on FB when dating Smiley and then had to change it as I cried heavily looking at our happy pictures. :sad:

This time with Hulk, I didn't change jack and if you read my last post, um yeah.. good move there La Amazona! :bigsmile:

There is no way I could keep it a secret for years... I have a big mouth. Obviously.

AnnaPixie

She basically stopped speaking to me after I told her about him, even cancelling a trip to the beach we had planned.

I really dont understand women like this. WTF?? :noway:

jesusHchris

I like to do it the other way around. I keep my entire life secret from my relationship.

For the past few years, I've rented a second apartment a few towns over from home. I've pieced together some outfits that I keep in the closet - things that the "real me" would never wear. Basically, a lot of top hats and long coats with interesting things kept in the pockets. I've even developed friendships with the neighbors there, giving each one of them a completely fabricated past to generate interesting conversations for the chicks shame-walking out of my place in the morning. Roger in 357 likes to ask them if they got to see my Oscar.

I haven't been there in a few weeks. I wonder if the cat is hungry.

Daisy_Cutter

I like to do it the other way around. I keep my entire life secret from my relationship.

For the past few years, I've rented a second apartment a few towns over from home. I've pieced together some outfits that I keep in the closet - things that the "real me" would never wear. Basically, a lot of top hats and long coats with interesting things kept in the pockets. I've even developed friendships with the neighbors there, giving each one of them a completely fabricated past to generate interesting conversations for the chicks shame-walking out of my place in the morning. Roger in 357 likes to ask them if they got to see my Oscar.

I haven't been there in a few weeks. I wonder if the cat is hungry.

Bwahahahahahaaaaa.... OMG... freakin' hilarious!

yoovie

I keep it a secret simply because its just about me and him.

Its not anyone else's relationship. its mine and his. Its us dating each other and no one else is part of that, really. Why should we feel obligated to tell anyone at all?

I find this to be a pretty selfish and gimme gimme attitude toward your friends' romantic endeavors. I have SO many reasons for keeping things like this to myself.

1. I dont want to ever be the girl that has a new 'the one" every month.
2. I'd rather make sure that he and I were solid together and a united front before we face anyone else.
3. Only teenage girls run around the day they start dating a guy and telling everyone in the world and posting it on facebook.
4. Its super irritating to other people who are single and not finding anyone.
5. Sometimes falling in love is a very private thing, something that happens when no one else is looking, when you have privacy to truly be yourself.
6. Sometimes falling in love, or being sure you are in love, or being sure youre ok with being in love with someone, takes a while. I dont feel as though going public while turning over something that serious in your head is a wise decision.
7. Im offended that so many people want to jump into a relationship because they are just so damn excited to hook their name to someone else's on facebook.
8. Sometimes shy people dont like attention on their romantic activities.
9. Just like someone wont announce that they are pregnant until they get to a certain point where its 'safe' to announce it, many people feel this way about relationships and dont want to have to go back and tell everyone it was a miscarriage or false alarm.
10. Who I give my heart to is not the business of the general public. It's just his business.

kerrymh

Right now I just tell people I'm dating in general. I won't mention anyone in particular until it makes it past some road blocks.
I have in the past told my friends about some people and been influenced by them to keep things going and ignored my own instincts to end it. My friends love me and want the best and are sick of my singledom haha but I'm not going to end up with the wrong person because of their influence again. My gut is right I just need to focus on it, and keeping things close to my sleeve works better for me.

disneywm76

Right now I just tell people I'm dating in general. I won't mention anyone in particular until it makes it past some road blocks.
I have in the past told my friends about some people and been influenced by them to keep things going and ignored my own instincts to end it. My friends love me and want the best and are sick of my singledom haha but I'm not going to end up with the wrong person because of their influence again. My gut is right I just need to focus on it, and keeping things close to my sleeve works better for me.

^^^^ This. Thanks for saying it so well, Kerry. :flowerforyou:

Darkskinned88

I say i'm talking or dating someone, keep specifics to a minimum. As the relationship progresses I might drop a name or two but the way i see it if our relationship is secret, we're not in a relationship

TheKitsune6

My first relationship. I was 16 and he was 22. He insisted we keep it a secret and even went so far as to date other women "as a cover". I let it happen because I was young, stupid and in love. It really started to bother me after we started living together when I was 17.

THAT was a long, interesting relationship that ended in a restraining order after he publicly told my friend he was planning on killing me.

So. Y'know. Fun times.