Online Cheating

JanieJack

Just wrote a blog post in response to a thought in this thread: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/682510-online-cheating?page=19

I'm sure there will be some people where with different perspective from mine... so I'd like to know what do you all think?

One poster:

I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all - it's not like it's real life... it's all in fun - why not flirt a little... personally, I wouldn't consider it cheating... it's totally harmless, right?

The response that moved me:

That's what I thought too. I started chatting online about two years ago. I have been married many years and would have never thought once of cheating. My husband is considerate, supportive, and a really nice guy. He was my first love. I went head over heels and never even noticed another man until I started doing the online thing.

Very quickly though things got out of control online. I have six different serious relationships online. They all started as flirting and innuendo, but now I care about these other men. And I hate myself for craving the excitement and attention. I have shared pics with all of them and they have shared back. Some shared WAY too much, but it was so interesting. They all know I am married.

I dont want to lose my sweet husband, but these relationships are so exciting. They say and do things I have never experienced. I tried to secretly introduce some of it back to my real life bedroom, but my husband is traditional/restrained and put the kabosh on different positions and stuff. I don't know how to describe what we have other than routinely adequate.

Chatting online is feeling like an addiction. I can't tell my husband that I want to play and flirt online because it would kill him. I'm trying to go back to how I was before, but i'm struggling since now that I see all the things available, the routine isnt getting it done. I never say no to my husband, but it is so incredibly routine that I sneak glances at the clock to see how much longer before he is done. He is definitely picking up on my increased computer time. He has even joked that he is a little jealous of the computer.

I wish I had known how bad and trapped I feel now when I started flirting online. I am in trouble, guilty and scared. It doesn't feel so harmless to me right now.

I accidentally deleted my original post and don't have time to re-write it... but the bottom line was that online cheating hurts because, like the lady below discovered, you get sucked into all sorts of fantasy and drama. If she were to leave her husband, she'd discover that all the spiciness of these guys would dry up. They flirt like this with marrieds b/c there's no responsibility; she won't show up with bills and face cream and ask them to change diapers. They can have a little fun, and then go back to reality. This woman is now unsatisfied with a good man over fantasies that will never last in real life. What a shame.

MikeM53082

First of all.. who the heck has numerous serious online relationships? I have no problems with a quick chat on a forum, but to develop a serious relationships, just seems odd.

Second of all.. who would prefer some online relationship to the real physical thing? I don't get why someone would trust a stranger online (who might even have fake pictures and be married himself) over their husband.

Maybe the husband should spice it up in the bedroom or maybe she needs to get off the computer and step her game up as well.

Either way.. I'd view this as cheating. I sure as hell wouldn't want my wife doing this, so this definitely falls into the cheating arena.

porcelain_doll

Cheating doesn't always have to mean you are meeting up with somebody in real life and having sex. It can also be an emotional affair, which the poster you referred to is clearly participating in. It is a slippery slope for a married woman once she goes that way (or a married man), particularly if there is something unsatisfactory in the marriage. I feel for her that her husband isn't pleasing her in the way she would like, but the way she is handling the situation will only lead to the demise of the marriage, and she is being quite selfish. When her husband eventually finds out about all of this (which I am sure he will), he will be beyond hurt.

The other poster who stated there was nothing wrong with it and that it was all in fun sounds a bit naive to me. When I picture myself as a married woman, I cannot see how it could be appropriate to flirt with any other male, whether in real life or online. I would not like it if my husband did it and I would find it disrespectful to the marriage, so I would not do it.

Yeah, I guess I'm a bit old school, so shoot me. But I take that stuff very seriously. I have seen relationships and marriages fall apart because of it.

MikeM53082

The other poster who stated there was nothing wrong with it and that it was all in fun sounds a bit naive to me. When I picture myself as a married woman, I cannot see how it could be appropriate to flirt with any other male, whether in real life or online. I would not like it if my husband did it and I would find it disrespectful to the marriage, so I would not do it.

Yeah, I guess I'm a bit old school, so shoot me. But I take that stuff very seriously. I have seen relationships and marriages fall apart because of it.

This. Porcelain_Doll is spot on.

porcelain_doll

The other poster who stated there was nothing wrong with it and that it was all in fun sounds a bit naive to me. When I picture myself as a married woman, I cannot see how it could be appropriate to flirt with any other male, whether in real life or online. I would not like it if my husband did it and I would find it disrespectful to the marriage, so I would not do it.

Yeah, I guess I'm a bit old school, so shoot me. But I take that stuff very seriously. I have seen relationships and marriages fall apart because of it.

This. Porcelain_Doll is spot on.

Thank you, dear! :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I cannot see how it could be appropriate to flirt with any other male, whether in real life or online. I would not like it if my husband did it and I would find it disrespectful to the marriage, so I would not do it.

I have nothing against being nice and friendly (which some women interpret as flirtatious) but I *do* have a problem with my partner flirting/innuendo with other women (even if he *says* he’s just being nice). There’s a difference between saying, “that’s a nice new dress, you look great” and saying, “wow, sexy mama looking good!”

JanieJack

First of all.. who the heck has numerous serious online relationships? I have no problems with a quick chat on a forum, but to develop a serious relationships, just seems odd.

It sneaks up on you (story coming soon), which is why I think boundaries are sooooo important.

Cheating doesn't always have to mean you are meeting up with somebody in real life and having sex. It can also be an emotional affair, which the poster you referred to is clearly participating in. It is a slippery slope for a married woman once she goes that way (or a married man), particularly if there is something unsatisfactory in the marriage.

I found, when I was married, that even having a hot guy flirting with me caused me to be more critical of my ex husband when I got home. Therefore, early in my marriage, I realized I had to stay away from flirtatious men.

A few years into marriage, I met someone who was at my base for training. We had a lot in common intellectually, so when he went back home we kept in touch and talked about research. When his emails started becoming personal, I didn’t even notice it. After all, it wasn’t sexual or any hint of innuendo. Just nice caring stuff. Then one night my pastor started preaching on emotional affairs and how insidious they are; how they sneak up on you. He said you know you’re going down the wrong road with a member of the opposite sex when you go to work and don’t see a message from them. You pout about “I didn’t get my email” and when s/he finally emails you it makes your day. He said when you find yourself in that situation, you have to cut yourself off from that person or risk damaging the intimacy of your marriage.

I toned things down with my email friend… but wouldn’t you know when I became single he came on strong to me. The worst part about it is, when I went to his town for training, he was in such pursuit of me that I thought he was going to tell me he was divorced. Imagine my surprise at dinner when he said he was still married!! For some people secret affairs are no longer thrilling; an open affair is much more exciting.

scapez

Back in the day, I felt that if I was married, I would never share certain information with my husband...the password to my cell phone, email passwords, stuff like that. I figured that I deserved to have things that were "mine" and that "he" didn't need to have access into every little part of my life.

Today, I think differently. It's all to easy to get caught up with innocent chats with someone online - maybe things are a bit stagnant at home, maybe you're a little bored, and someone out there is paying attention to you, listening to you, injecting some 'excitement' into your life. As others here have said, it can quickly spiral out of control.

By keeping yourself transparent, you're also keeping yourself accountable. If you don't have private email accounts, you don't have avenues in which you can lead any kind of secret life online.

I realize this wouldn't be the answer for everyone...just my two cents.

JanieJack

Today, I think differently. It's all to easy to get caught up with innocent chats with someone online - maybe things are a bit stagnant at home, maybe you're a little bored, and someone out there is paying attention to you, listening to you, injecting some 'excitement' into your life. As others here have said, it can quickly spiral out of control.

By keeping yourself transparent, you're also keeping yourself accountable. If you don't have private email accounts, you don't have avenues in which you can lead any kind of secret life online.

I agree wholeheartedly! One sign that my marriage was dying was that after 3 years of dating and 11 years of marriage my ex changed all his passwords so I couldn't read his email. Not that I did much, only when he didn't respond to someone and they called me or if a bill needed to be paid. But it shocked me that he'd lock me out. The beginning of the end.

Sure, you're gonna have some secrets from your past (especially if you’re divorced-no third party needs to know all of my ex husband’s failings), but there’s no reason, if you’re married, you should have secrets in the present. Or need THAT much privacy. Even if I wouldn’t dig through your phone, I should be allowed to.

NCTravellingGirl

I actually have a friend that I've been discussing this EXACT situation with. She met someone on match.com and instantly within a few days, added him to FB, starting talking about an online FWB arrangement, etc... I clicked on his FB page and had no surprise to see a wedding ring in a few of his recent profile pics even though he told her hadn't been married in 20 years (more likely he HAD been married 20 years).

She thinks this was all innocent flirting and fun. I asked her how she'd feel if this were HER husband but of course she wouldn't answer.

Interestingly, it became apparent how damaging this can quickly become because suddenly it wasn't just texts and online chat.... next he invited her to Michigan to join him for the weekend as a REAL FWB.

I think it goes back to a previous posting about women flirting without intention but most men really do want something to COME from it (haha, no pun intended!). Thankfully my friend stopped all that, but it showed me why you don't ever let it get there... it's too hard to control the end result. What seems innocent to start doesn't typically stay that way!

disneywm76

What seems innocent to start doesn't typically stay that way!

You're not kidding!! Even if a person has zero intentions of ever doing anything, the emotional/intimate connection with someone other than your spouse/partner is incredibly damaging to the relationship. I've been on both sides of the issue, and it's not good for anybody. I remember being quite jealous of the people the ex was always "chatting" with. He even offered to drive 50+ miles to help one lady with yard work and I couldn't get him to mow our lawn. Just bad all the way around. Whoever said it was a slippery slope couldn't be more accurate in their words...it is. It's best to back away entirely.

La_Amazona

No tolerance whatsoever! I agree, a lot of bad things start off innocently. Actually most affairs probably do.

My ex's 1st affair was an emotional one (she lived 12 hrs away and was a childhood ex) and it hurt me just as much as when he physically cheated, well almost.

oddyogi

Hell yeah I'd be upset with online cheating. In my mind, it's only the next block over from physical cheating.

Mellie289

The funny thing about all this is I'm single and I don't even have these spicy online relationships. It's such a bizarre concept to me. I've made quite a few relationships online with people I now call friends (most are female) because we have lots in common to gab about and we're for the most part single and live alone. I've met many of them in person or at least spoke to them and I can always count on them in our FB group for advice or when I'm in desperate need of a virtual hug or a recipe. :bigsmile:

I don't understand the draw of a virtual romance though. If someone isn't going to meet me and develop a real relationship, I'm not going to play along with the online fantasy. I agree that it is cheating if it involves someone who is married or in a committed relationship.