Security

Carl01

I had a lady who I am very good friends with tell me that the basis for relationships is that men want sex and women want security.

Is this really the truth and what exactly defines security if so?

DMZ_1

What she said has merit. Sex is important to us men. But don't for a second think that women don't enjoy sex.

I think all humans want to feel like they matter to someone else and that their needs are being fulfilled.

christine24t

I think security is a part of it for sure. However I think a lot of people, especially women, want security so much they'll sacrifice their other feelings for it. I'll say an example down below.

Judging from what I see in every day life, security is: being able to go out with your friends but having someone to go home to. Pitying friends who have to go out and meet people and forgetting how hard it is to date. Dating a guy they don't really like just to say they have a boyfriend.

I have a friend who I know doesn't see her boyfriend as long term. Yet she hasnt broken it off because she would rather be in a relationship. I have another friend who has told multiple people that she doesn't really like her BF but theyve been dating for years, because she likes having a bf.

This isn't all women. But women that want the security of a relationship are usually too focused on that for a reason - their own insecurities. It's that they'd rather be in a pointless relationship yet have someone to go home too than give that up and look for someone they really like, because it's too hard.

christine24t

Also, another girl I know does not like going out to bars and drinking or just drinking in general. She for the longest time would turn us down when we asked her to come out, and say she had plans with the BF. It turned out she was just using him as an excuse and it was that she didn't know how to tell us "no thanks." So she used that security to deflect hanging out with us. Some people that are more homebodies like that built in excuse.

AnnaPixie

In terms of people I know, I'd say that the men are more in it for security, and the women for companionship. It's very rare for a man to leave the relationship as he is quite happy with his feet under the table. It's usually women that end up not having their needs met.

I really dont think sex comes into it as it becomes less important as a relationship gets older. And its usually the men that cant be bothered as they get older!!

Although those are sweeping generalisations, that's my experience too! :flowerforyou:

Carl01

In terms of people I know, I'd say that the men are more in it for security, and the women for companionship. It's very rare for a man to leave the relationship as he is quite happy with his feet under the table. It's usually women that end up not having their needs met.

I really dont think sex comes into it as it becomes less important as a relationship gets older. And its usually the men that cant be bothered as they get older!!

Although those are sweeping generalisations, that's my experience too! :flowerforyou:

A very good point from a different culture.
I didn`t specify it because I foolishly assumed every one took it the same way but the security she spoke of was an economic one.
Perhaps that is an American thing.

AnnaPixie

In terms of people I know, I'd say that the men are more in it for security, and the women for companionship. It's very rare for a man to leave the relationship as he is quite happy with his feet under the table. It's usually women that end up not having their needs met.

I really dont think sex comes into it as it becomes less important as a relationship gets older. And its usually the men that cant be bothered as they get older!!

Although those are sweeping generalisations, that's my experience too! :flowerforyou:

A very good point from a different culture.
I didn`t specify it because I foolishly assumed every one took it the same way but the security she spoke of was an economic one.
Perhaps that is an American thing.

All my female friends work and are financially stable, so that doesnt come into it. (More so than their male partners tbh!) Although, I can't discount that it happens, it's not really a consideration in my social circle.

pa_jorg

A very good point from a different culture.
I didn`t specify it because I foolishly assumed every one took it the same way but the security she spoke of was an economic one.
Perhaps that is an American thing.

I don't think that's an American thing at all... Security when it comes to a relationship has nothing to do with finances. It's about building the foundation of trust and partnership, knowing that no matter what comes along you are a bonded pair. Personally, it makes me sad anytime I hear women who only want financial security because it gives those of us who want true love and connection a bad rap.

meshashesha2012

i think it depends on the woman of course. i know quite a few friends who are mainly looking for companionship, someone to be friends with and to be their safety net and they arent so much interested in the potential for sexy time. but to be honest these are women who have only had bad sex. i guess if i'd only had bad sex i wouldnt think sex with a potential partner to be all that important either

La_Amazona

Being in a happy relationship make me feel secure. I don't feel not secure without a man but something about being in a good relationship that makes me feel safe and secure. I'm not sure how to put it in words

christine24t

A very good point from a different culture.
I didn`t specify it because I foolishly assumed every one took it the same way but the security she spoke of was an economic one.
Perhaps that is an American thing.

I don't think that's an American thing at all... Security when it comes to a relationship has nothing to do with finances. It's about building the foundation of trust and partnership, knowing that no matter what comes along you are a bonded pair. Personally, it makes me sad anytime I hear women who only want financial security because it gives those of us who want true love and connection a bad rap.

Yes there is definitely a "good security" and a "bad security."

Mellie289

I had a lady who I am very good friends with tell me that the basis for relationships is that men want sex and women want security.

Is this really the truth and what exactly defines security if so?

This came up in the movie The Wedding Singer, if you've seen it.

I actually read the OP as economic/financial security. That probably leaps to my mind since I do think about it a lot with my weekly dose of Suze Orman.

I can see that being a real expectation of women seeking a traditional relationship, with the husband bringing home the bread, so to speak.

I personally want a partner who is also interested in security and contributing together to our financial stability and a secure future without money concerns. I'm not interested in someone who is up to his eyeballs in consumer debt because I am working for my own financial security and I'm not going to allow my hard-earned money to support someone who has different priorities than mine that includes instant gratification through buying frivolous material possessions. So, for me, I'm not looking for someone to provide me with security, but for someone who is financially responsible and isn't going to undermine my financial security.

With regards to the OP though (men want sex and women want security), to me that sounds like Carl's friend is comparing apples and oranges - two different phases of a relationship. Surely the quest for sex is more early stages and security is a long term goal (after marriage)? That's how I see it.

MissingMinnesota

Being in a happy relationship make me feel secure. I don't feel not secure without a man but something about being in a good relationship that makes me feel safe and secure. I'm not sure how to put it in words

This. By the secure feeling is that I have someone to fall back on to help pick me up. It doesn't have to do with finances. I like to find guys that are good at things I am not as good at. So we are kind of ying and yang and when I am not able to do something I know they will be there to either do it or help me do it. As an example I am not a handy person so I like to find a guy that is handy around the house.

kerrymh

I don't think I want security..ie someone to take care of me financially, but I do want a man who is an equal (financially responsible...) because I don't want to be his security.
(just told a man who I made 3 times his salary who was 32 yo and still lived as a teenager that it wouldn't work...he didn't take it well)

I want someone to grow old with, share life with and have sex lol I want that too.
I want children and someone to help me with the job of being a parent.
I want to love and be loved, have someone to witness my life and to witness someone elses.
So ultimately its not just one reason.

NCTravellingGirl

I think at the base there is some truth to that statement, but it means something different to us all depending on where WE are right now. I can take care of myself, pretty darn well I feel. So I don't NEED anything financially or otherwise.

But, as Amazona said, there is something to be said for that feeling of another person being there, that you're not in it alone, or just even someone to talk through things with where I trust his opinion as much as my own. I haven't met many men I could say gave me that feeling, but the minute I feel it, it's SO hard to walk away from because it's rare.

Honestly, I rarely meet men that I think could be a support BECAUSE I'm good at it. So, yeah, I'd say I'm looking for someone who makes me feel secure...but that level is a whole lot different than many other women who would say the same.

toots99

What she said has merit. Sex is important to us men. But don't for a second think that women don't enjoy sex.

I think all humans want to feel like they matter to someone else and that their needs are being fulfilled.

I agree. My first thought was "Women want sex too!" :devil: :laugh:

Myslissa

Well Slap on a safety harness and get to the sex. WIN WIN!

AnnaPixie

Well Slap on a safety harness and get to the sex. WIN WIN!

:laugh: :laugh: love it! :bigsmile:

dbrightwell1270

I would even argue that sex is not the basis for a relationship for men. It is the basis for striking up a conversation and seeing if you're interested in a relationship but I can have sex and hope she leaves immediately afterwards. I can't be in a relationship with a woman who I hope leaves immediately after sex.

Darkskinned88

Security is basically knowing that they're there and will be there for the long haul, actually i think men want security more than women, guys are reluctant to settle down not because they can't give their all to one woman but rather they need to know that one woman is worth it.