What would you think...
toots99
Posts: 3,794 Member
Okay I was wondering what you guys would think if you were the guy in this situation: I just recently started talking to a guy on I met on match.com, and we're meeting up tomorrow. He seems pretty cool, and I'm looking forward to meeting him. Anyway, turns out we have some mutual friends..one of whom I kissed one night a while ago, and one whom I fully hooked up with, twice, almost a year ago. We're still friends, nothing more at all. Now, the hook up guy knows that this guy and I know each other (the new guy mentioned it to him). These two are really good friends.
So my question is: how would you feel if you were the new guy and you eventually maybe discovered that the girl you were dating hooked up with one of your good friends? I'm not saying we'll get to this point, hell, we haven't even met in person yet, but I'm just curious. Would you want to know, if it got to that point?
Edited to add: the new guy knows nothing of previous hookups.
So my question is: how would you feel if you were the new guy and you eventually maybe discovered that the girl you were dating hooked up with one of your good friends? I'm not saying we'll get to this point, hell, we haven't even met in person yet, but I'm just curious. Would you want to know, if it got to that point?
Edited to add: the new guy knows nothing of previous hookups.
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Honestly, if I know a girl hooked up with one of my good friends and I'm about to meet this woman out on a match.com date.. I'd feel awkward as all hell. It would just seem that it'd be too close to home and I'd probably back out of the date.0
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As a woman, Id feel awkward about it since it happened recently. Had it been 10 yrs, not a problem.0
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I feel awkward about it, but I'm certainly not about to back out of meeting someone new just because of a situation that happened almost a year ago. The hookup guy and I have hung out a lot (in group situations, never just the two of us) and nothing has happened since then and nothing will.0
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I personally avoid pursuing anything with girls my friends have dated or just nailed. There are enough other people out there where I would just prefer to avoid any potential drama or awkwardness from this.
I don't see anything wrong with it, though.
If I were you, I would assume this new guy will know by the time you meet up. His friend will probably tell him. I would.0 -
That was going to be my next question. Would you, as the friend, tell him?
I don't think this new guy knows. The hookup guy isn't the bragging type at all (believe me, he and I have a lot of the same friends).
I don't think it would bother me if he slept with one of my friends. That's the past. Everyone has a past.0 -
Yeah, everyone has a past, but I don't want to be reminded of it every time my friend and I go out for a beer. And just seeing the guy will be an awesome reminder...
In general, I avoid any women who have dated, hooked up, etc. with friends on mine. It just goes against the guy code, unless it's only about having sex. There are exceptions, of course.
For example, the situation would be different if the hook up friend had introduced you to this new guy. Perhaps thinking you two would hit it off. It wouldn't bother me so much if a friend of mine told me that he had hooked up with this girl a year ago or so, remained friends, but nothing happened after that. But she's a great girl and thinks I would hit it off well with her, etc., etc. That would be fine.
I suppose in the first instance (your example), rightly or wrongly, I start grinding the numbers. I think, "Well, let's see, she knows two people I know. She's hooked up in some capacity with both of them. Can't wait to introduce her to some of my other friends so I can find out what she's done with them, too!" Sorry, fair or not, that's what I'm thinking.
In the second instance (your hook up friend introduced you to the new guy), I just think a good friend of mine is trying to help me out, he no longer has any romantic interest in you, etc., etc. So it's different.
As to telling my friend if I hooked up with a girl that he has just asked out: absolutely, 100%. Tastefully, of course. Because if you tell him, our friendship is more or less over (since he had to find out from you).
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Hmmm! I think it depends on the guys involved. I have a friend who is now dating her best friends ex! Not the kind of thing that I would do, but it happens.
Personally, I think that kind of thing should remain behind closed doors and its only as awkward as you make it. But if someone wants to mention it then we are all adults and have a right to hook up with whosoever we choose.
I would just ignore it and meet the guy. It goes back to the question of past lovers and as most of us have said in here, we usually dont have that kind of conversation with a current interest. :flowerforyou:0 -
That’s good to know, as I’ve met a lot of guys on Match that I think my friends would like. No “hooking up” involved, but still dating, so I have been leery of making too many introductions. I have done it, and actually offended the guy :-)For example, the situation would be different if the hook up friend had introduced you to this new guy. Perhaps thinking you two would hit it off. It wouldn't bother me so much if a friend of mine told me that he had hooked up with this girl a year ago or so, remained friends, but nothing happened after that. But she's a great girl and thinks I would hit it off well with her, etc., etc. That would be fine..
See, ladies? This is why it’s such a fine line to walk. Even the guys who are always encouraging the ladies to loosen up, stop worrying about what others think, go for it and have fun, have these judgments in the back of their mind.I suppose in the first instance (your example), rightly or wrongly, I start grinding the numbers. I think, "Well, let's see, she knows two people I know. She's hooked up in some capacity with both of them. Can't wait to introduce her to some of my other friends so I can find out what she's done with them, too!" Sorry, fair or not, that's what I'm thinking.0 -
Deny deny deny .. lol. Just kidding.
It was over a year ago .. you haven't hooked up since then .. I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't say anything either. If he brings it up just make like it was no big deal and move on. You wouldn't give him names of other people you have slept with, why should this guy be any different. I wouldn't lie if asked, but I see no reason to bring it up either.0 -
I guess if I were you my only thoughts would be on what the new guys expectations are as far as what you are willing to do.
Other then that it is too early to be worrying about all the what ifs involved in a relationship that may never develop.0 -
If I were you toots, I'd strike this down before it even started, especially since it was just arranged via Match. This situation has the potential to stir up some drama. There are situations where drama can be avoided, and this is one.0
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Other then that it is too early to be worrying about all the what ifs involved in a relationship that may never develop.
I agree. I'm not reading anything into it, I'm just curious what a guy's opinion would be. If it turns into something, then we'll see what happens.0 -
If your friend that you hooked up with is ok with you dating his friend I'm not sure what the issue is..
It might be a little akward but your sexual past really isn't something you have to tell him about, as a matter of fact it is better if you leave the past right where it is at most of the time.0 -
This would not matter to me in the least from either perspective. I wouldn't go around announcing it either (there's such a thing as discretion) but the past is the past and as long as there are no nasty emotional entanglements then what's the big deal?0
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If your friend that you hooked up with is ok with you dating his friend I'm not sure what the issue is..
It might be a little akward but your sexual past really isn't something you have to tell him about, as a matter of fact it is better if you leave the past right where it is at most of the time.
That's what I think. He knows the New Guy and I are now friends, and the Hookup and I had spoken before (after the hookups) that that's just between us and that's all it was. There are 100% no feelings whatsoever between either of us.
Most of the women here to be on the same page, and the guys on another. Which brings to mind a few interesting points:
If the situation were reversed, if the guy had hooked up with one of my female friends, would the women think differently? (It wouldn't bother me, as long as there were no lingering feelings.)
And why do the guys feel this would be an issue but the women don't? Does it have to do with jealousy or insecurity? (I'm not saying it does, I'm just putting the thought out there.)0 -
This reminds me of a friend of mine that married a girl we all went to HS with. As she was walking down the isle I turned to the buddy I was sitting by and said "I wonder how it feels to walk down the isle past 12 guys you slept with?" Needless to say that marriage lasted about 6 months.0
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This reminds me of a friend of mine that married a girl we all went to HS with. As she was walking down the isle I turned to the buddy I was sitting by and said "I wonder how it feels to walk down the isle past 12 guys you slept with?" Needless to say that marriage lasted about 6 months.
Were you one of the dirty dozen?? :bigsmile:0 -
This reminds me of a friend of mine that married a girl we all went to HS with. As she was walking down the isle I turned to the buddy I was sitting by and said "I wonder how it feels to walk down the isle past 12 guys you slept with?" Needless to say that marriage lasted about 6 months.
Were you one of the dirty dozen?? :bigsmile:
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And why do the guys feel this would be an issue but the women don't? Does it have to do with jealousy or insecurity? (I'm not saying it does, I'm just putting the thought out there.)
I have no issue with dating a girl that had a fling with a friend of mine, but it all depends on how I'm introduced to the girl, why she broke up with the friend, what he thinks of her, etc., etc.
Again, unless I'm missing something, you described the situation as follows: you randomly meet a guy on Match, and later you discover that you know two of his friends. Not only that (which already is quite a coincidence), but you have hooked up with both of them! You're 2 for 2. OK, you "only" kissed one, but still. From the guy's point of view, doesn't that seem quite strange that you (a) know two of his friends, and (b) hooked up with both of them???
OK, let's play the reverse game: you meet a guy on Match, you later learn that two of your friends know him. And he hooked up with both of them. Wouldn't your first thought be, "This guy is a player."
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And why do the guys feel this would be an issue but the women don't? Does it have to do with jealousy or insecurity? (I'm not saying it does, I'm just putting the thought out there.)
I have no issue with dating a girl that had a fling with a friend of mine, but it all depends on how I'm introduced to the girl, why she broke up with the friend, what he thinks of her, etc., etc.
Again, unless I'm missing something, you described the situation as follows: you randomly meet a guy on Match, and later you discover that you know two of his friends. Not only that (which already is quite a coincidence), but you have hooked up with both of them! You're 2 for 2. OK, you "only" kissed one, but still. From the guy's point of view, doesn't that seem quite strange that you (a) know two of his friends, and (b) hooked up with both of them???
OK, let's play the reverse game: you meet a guy on Match, you later learn that two of your friends know him. And he hooked up with both of them. Wouldn't your first thought be, "This guy is a player."
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My first thought is that they must be friends because of a similar personality type... a personality that I'm obviously attracted to.
But I tend to not over-complicate things.0 -
And why do the guys feel this would be an issue but the women don't? Does it have to do with jealousy or insecurity? (I'm not saying it does, I'm just putting the thought out there.)
I have no issue with dating a girl that had a fling with a friend of mine, but it all depends on how I'm introduced to the girl, why she broke up with the friend, what he thinks of her, etc., etc.
Again, unless I'm missing something, you described the situation as follows: you randomly meet a guy on Match, and later you discover that you know two of his friends. Not only that (which already is quite a coincidence), but you have hooked up with both of them! You're 2 for 2. OK, you "only" kissed one, but still. From the guy's point of view, doesn't that seem quite strange that you (a) know two of his friends, and (b) hooked up with both of them???
OK, let's play the reverse game: you meet a guy on Match, you later learn that two of your friends know him. And he hooked up with both of them. Wouldn't your first thought be, "This guy is a player."
--P
Well, if it was a "fling", then there was no breaking up to do, now is there? That's what this was, there was no romance between us, hence the term "hook up". And I already played the reverse game above, said it wouldn't bother me.
A) I can't help that I know his friends before I know him (I actually know three...the third I can't stand, we worked together for years.)
And
if it was just a hookup, it wouldn't bother me at all, as I've mentioned. As long as I know there were no feelings there, it really wouldn't bother me. If she was a skank, maybe. But I'm no skank, and anyone that knows me knows I'm no skank. So no, it wouldn't bother me that he had a past. 0 -
A) I can't help that I know his friends before I know him (I actually know three...the third I can't stand, we worked together for years.)
And if it was just a hookup, it wouldn't bother me at all, as I've mentioned. As long as I know there were no feelings there, it really wouldn't bother me. If she was a skank, maybe. But I'm no skank, and anyone that knows me knows I'm no skank. So no, it wouldn't bother me that he had a past.
Regarding A - So I assume you didn't hook up with the third friend? So it's 2 for 3?
Regarding B - My point now isn't the hook up, that happens. I tend to agree with you that the past is the past (although it depends on the details). My main issue was how you had managed to hook up with both of the mutual friends you have in common. Your score was a perfect 100%. Now with this new info, you're down to 67% (assuming you didn't hook up with the guy you can't stand).
Don't you see how this may - perhaps, kinda - make it look like you are very "hook up friendly"?? You don't know each other, and what limited info he has on you (assuming he knows about the previous hook ups) does not paint a wonderful picture about the ease at which you tend to hook up with people.
I'm just saying how it's going to look to most guys. If it were 1 hook up in 10 mutual friends, OK, things happen. But 2 out of 3?
I'm reminded of the wonderful line in The Importance of Being Ernest: "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
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A) I can't help that I know his friends before I know him (I actually know three...the third I can't stand, we worked together for years.)
And if it was just a hookup, it wouldn't bother me at all, as I've mentioned. As long as I know there were no feelings there, it really wouldn't bother me. If she was a skank, maybe. But I'm no skank, and anyone that knows me knows I'm no skank. So no, it wouldn't bother me that he had a past.
Regarding A - So I assume you didn't hook up with the third friend? So it's 2 for 3?
Regarding B - My point now isn't the hook up, that happens. I tend to agree with you that the past is the past (although it depends on the details). My main issue was how you had managed to hook up with both of the mutual friends you have in common. Your score was a perfect 100%. Now with this new info, you're down to 67% (assuming you didn't hook up with the guy you can't stand).
Don't you see how this may - perhaps, kinda - make it look like you are very "hook up friendly"?? You don't know each other, and what limited info he has on you (assuming he knows about the previous hook ups) does not paint a wonderful picture about the ease at which you tend to hook up with people.
I'm just saying how it's going to look to most guys. If it were 1 hook up in 10 mutual friends, OK, things happen. But 2 out of 3?
I'm reminded of the wonderful line in The Importance of Being Ernest: "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
--P
Sometimes I despair with the double standards that men have!! I actually know a man that MARRIED his WIFE's SISTER!!! :laugh:
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
If YOU dont like to think of your woman as having a sex life before you, then fine, find a teenage virgin. But most people in their 20s. 30s, 40s + have kissed more than one person and slept with more than one person. The fact that those 2 people are known is irrelevant. As they say, it's a small world!!
How anything LOOKS, and how something IS, is entirely different. What if those were the ONLY 2 guys that had come near toots in her whole life?
Jeez!Regarding A - So I assume you didn't hook up with the third friend? So it's 2 for 3?
And your comment there is just disrespectful, smartarse!!! :huh:0 -
And your comment there is just disrespectful, smartarse!!! :huh:
LOL!
Well, she was 2 for 2. Who knows?
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Sometimes I despair with the double standards that men have!! I actually know a man that MARRIED his WIFE's SISTER!!! :laugh:
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
Talk about a double standard! Weren't the women on here some time back claiming that kissing is actually cheating? Now, apparently, it means "practically nothing!" Good to know!
--P0 -
Sometimes I despair with the double standards that men have!! I actually know a man that MARRIED his WIFE's SISTER!!! :laugh:
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
Talk about a double standard! Weren't the women on here some time back claiming that kissing is actually cheating? Now, apparently, it means "practically nothing!" Good to know!
--P
You KNOW what I mean!
:laugh: 0 -
Sometimes I despair with the double standards that men have!! I actually know a man that MARRIED his WIFE's SISTER!!! :laugh:
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
Talk about a double standard! Weren't the women on here some time back claiming that kissing is actually cheating? Now, apparently, it means "practically nothing!" Good to know!
--P
You KNOW what I mean! :laugh:
I just want you guys to know that I found this endlessly enjoyable, hahaha0 -
Regarding A - So I assume you didn't hook up with the third friend? So it's 2 for 3?
Oh God no! I'd be celibate for life before I did that.Don't you see how this may - perhaps, kinda - make it look like you are very "hook up friendly"?? You don't know each other, and what limited info he has on you (assuming he knows about the previous hook ups) does not paint a wonderful picture about the ease at which you tend to hook up with people.
He doesn't know.
I'm just saying how it's going to look to most guys. If it were 1 hook up in 10 mutual friends, OK, things happen. But 2 out of 3?
I'm reminded of the wonderful line in The Importance of Being Ernest: "To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
Oh it was careless alright...no doubt about that!0 -
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
Or in a moment of un=sobriety, twice. :laugh:
How anything LOOKS, and how something IS, is entirely different. What if those were the ONLY 2 guys that had come near toots in her whole life?
Jeez!
Honestly, they were the first two in a looooooooong time, When it happened, I was not used to boys flirting with me so I took advantage of it! And the other one was just a kiss, that's nothing!0 -
Sometimes I despair with the double standards that men have!! I actually know a man that MARRIED his WIFE's SISTER!!! :laugh:
It's just a coincidence P, get over it! Your judgmental skills are way off base, and, thankfully, not all men think like you. Some men realise that kissing someone means practically nothing, and sleeping with someone in a moment of passion, is human!
Talk about a double standard! Weren't the women on here some time back claiming that kissing is actually cheating? Now, apparently, it means "practically nothing!" Good to know!
--P
Oh no no, the topic here isn't cheating! No one was seeing anyone else at the time, so there was no cheating going on!0
