Why did you poof?

JanieJack

No judging, no anger.... I'm just curious. If you've ever poofed on someone, or have a friend who did, tell us why?

I, personally, don't like to poof. I usually say "Thanks but I don't think we're compatible." If they ask for more detail I'll tell them. But I have poofed on guys who invite me back to their place at the end of the first date Or do things that really, really make me uncomfortable like tell me their married but their wife is ok with me fulfilling their fetishes (yes, this happened with a old friend).

SouthernSweetie74

I've poofed.

For different reasons.

Maybe he just didn't get it when I said, "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with you."

Maybe he was a hot bad boy whom I was super attracted to, but I knew it wouldn't last, so I poofed.

Maybe because he had stalkerish like tendencies.

Maybe because I was talking to several people at a time and he just got lost in the crowd.

But...

In reference to my "poof rant" post, I've never poofed on someone that I talked to every day for a month. Or that I had had deep conversations with... I generally am forthright even if I feel the need to RUN because I'm scared of my feelings... I might be lying to myself, and to him, too, but I will usually say something... not just poof...

MikeM53082

I've poofed many of times. The reasons vary depending on when I poof on them.

If I poof on them after date #1, it's usually because I can't realistically see myself being with them. If I can't picture them on top of me or even having a decent conversation with them.. poof.

If I poof while in the talking phase, it's always that I've met someone else I have more interest in.

I see nothing wrong with poofing early on and I don't think you owe anyone a reason at that point. Now, if you're dating someone for months and all of a sudden poof. That ain't cool.

julesboots

I've poofed.

For different reasons.

Maybe he just didn't get it when I said, "I'm not interested in that kind of relationship with you."

Maybe he was a hot bad boy whom I was super attracted to, but I knew it wouldn't last, so I poofed.

Maybe because he had stalkerish like tendencies.

Maybe because I was talking to several people at a time and he just got lost in the crowd.

But...

In reference to my "poof rant" post, I've never poofed on someone that I talked to every day for a month. Or that I had had deep conversations with... I generally am forthright even if I feel the need to RUN because I'm scared of my feelings... I might be lying to myself, and to him, too, but I will usually say something... not just poof...

I guess that's just reinforcement that despite representing a nice possibility- that guy sucks. Everyday communication for a month deserves a "I need to take a break- my life has gotten hectic" type of excuse, and if he couldn't give you that- he's a kid.

I'm currently trying to ignore a really nice guy with whom I was very clear on being friends with after the first date. It's like he did not hear the friend declaration AT ALL. I might have been too interested in his stories of pastoral Russia-which I'm guessing don't go over super well on most first dates. I was actually very interested in real friendship, but he's apparently not, (which I understand), so "poof."

TheKitsune6

I have poofed before and after a first date... by the time there's a second date I tell them I'm not compatible.

My reasons are entirely selfish. It's a source of anxiety for me to tell someone because I don't know how they're going to take it. They could be totally cool and I worried for nothing, or they could keep bothering me and asking why I don't just give it a chance, or they get angry and bitter.

Ultimately I don't see why I need to sacrifice my own emotional well being for the sake of someone I probably haven't even met and don't want to meet. It's not something I'm necessarily proud of, but I'm not going to feel bad about it.

That being said I've had guys poof on me too, and I don't let it bother me because I understand. They don't need to spell it out, I get it. I'm not emotionally invested at that point anyway!

bradphil87

Ah, the old burner phone....it's a very wise move. I have a cheap, prepaid phone that I use exclusively to give that number to girls that I may or may not ever hear from. If they are crazy, I change that number and they don't have my real one I use for work and other stuff. If we start dating, i simply text them from my real phone and say I got a new number. Easy. Best advice my best friend ever gave me. I cannot tell you how many people are crazier than they look and will be non stop texting you until you text them back....no thanks. Lol

kristen6022

I've poofed after bad first dates. I still think if you go out with someone and you don't hear from them after a first date it wasn't meant to be and it has nothing against you. I've also poofed on guys while still in the talking phase. Like if I hear his voice on the phone and it turns me off or something he says in an e-mail. But I've never poofed when I've been seeing someone for 1-2 months. After that I will tell the guy why I'm not seeing a future and I hope he'll take it ok.

Now, I've been poofed on after 2 months of seeing a guy pretty hot and heavy. Like serious, I'm calling and getting Caller ID'd, writing e-mails that aren't getting answered. That's rude, guys. Like get some balls and tell her the girl you don't see a future with her.

I'd rather be poofed on in the early phases of getting to know someone than after 1-2 months in but before declaring "monogamy". That's douchey...

Roadie2000

The last time I poofed I was seeing someone who worked nights and weekends, the opposite schedule of mine. It was too hard to find times to hang out, and when we did, it was usually just for a quick bite to eat and then she had to go to work. Just didn't feel like it was going anywhere, I assume she felt the same way because she didn't really try to call me either, I think it just sort of fizzled out.

kit_katty

I haven't poofed before, but I did just get poofed. 4 dates, he went on vacation (supposidly) and when I didn't hear from him after he was supposed to be back, I texted to ask how his trip was and nadda. Sheesh, is it that difficult to text or email saying you don' think we're compatable?

Moe4572

The only time I actually poofed is in early stages of email on dating site. Other than that, I am the one to get poofed on...usually after 2 dates and lots of email/texting. I will tell someone if I don't think it will work.....and have done that....usually through email, but at least I tell them!

catherine4211

If I poof on them after date #1, it's usually because I can't realistically see myself being with them. If I can't picture them on top of me or even having a decent conversation with them.. poof.

I'm the girl version of you - if I don't ever want to see the guy naked I'm out!

flimflamfloz

I poofed because the girl was snoring in bed.

pa_jorg

I usually only poof in the email stages or after a first date. Just made it to a 3rd date with someone and am wondering how to handle this - I don't want to poof because I'd really like to remain friends - but he seems more invested than I am already so would poofing be kinder?

DMZ_1

If I disappear after a first date, it is because I don't think it is going to work. I think most of the time when I poof, I am not missed. Even in situations when I decide to poof post first date, if I had offered a 2nd, she would probably reject it, making me feel not so good.

There was one case where I poofed before a first date from a POF meeting because I found the woman's mugshot online. And that was not even really poofing. I said I had found someone else and ended that on decent terms, wishing her the best.

MikeM53082

I usually only poof in the email stages or after a first date. Just made it to a 3rd date with someone and am wondering how to handle this - I don't want to poof because I'd really like to remain friends - but he seems more invested than I am already so would poofing be kinder?

I'd just poof. He'll get the idea.

JanieJack

I didn't hear from him after he was supposed to be back, I texted to ask how his trip was and nadda. Sheesh, is it that difficult to text or email saying you don' think we're compatable?

Well of course it is. If he tells you that, then you are no longer on the list of potential future booty calls. And guys hate to burn bridges with potential future booty calls.

JanieJack

I don't want to poof because I'd really like to remain friends - but he seems more invested than I am already so would poofing be kinder?

Telling him you don't see this going anywhere and then not contacting him anymore would be kinder. Women can more easily be "friends" with a guy they were romantically into. The guys, however, who start off romantically interested think they still have a chance by us being friends with them. They see it as "she's still possibly interested." Or he'll be hung up on you secretly hoping you'll come around whereas if you let him go then he can pursue someone who is truly interested in him romantically.

If you're really not interested, my suggestion is tell him thanks for the good times and you wish him the best. Then leave him alone.

DMZ_1

I don't want to poof because I'd really like to remain friends - but he seems more invested than I am already so would poofing be kinder?

Telling him you don't see this going anywhere and then not contacting him anymore would be kinder.

Just this simple sentence and not hanging around is the right thing to do. Men don't like having false hope. If he wants more than just regular friendship, regular friendship would leave him unsatisfied. Cutting bait entirely is the best option.

NCTravellingGirl

I've never done it before, but I just went poof on someone I've been talking to online for 3 weeks. He said in his profile that he likes to take things slow so I was trying to be patient. He seems nice enough, is decent looking, and the conversations back and forth through PoF email have been decent. BUT he works a weird schedule so we would email every day at weird times. This has been going on THREE weeks and no mention of meeting. All I can say is that he's a decent guy :ohwell:

I figure if he needs to move so slow that after three weeks we're not meeting, we're not really wanting the same thing or on the same page. I stopped responding a few days ago.

MikeM53082

I've never done it before, but I just went poof on someone I've been talking to online for 3 weeks. He said in his profile that he likes to take things slow so I was trying to be patient. He seems nice enough, is decent looking, and the conversations back and forth through PoF email have been decent. BUT he works a weird scheule so we would email every day at weird times. This has been going on THREE weeks and no mention of meeting. All I can say is that he's a decent guy :ohwell:

I figure if he needs to move so slow that after three weeks we're not meeting, we're not really wanting the same thing or on the same page. I stopped responding a few days ago.

That's a very appropriate poof.

Guys either need to crap or get off the pot. He should of asked you out by the end of the first week.

poncho33

I wasn't interested in them anymore.... is there really any other reason?

Danielle_2013

Can we all just never agree to use the word "poof" again? It is terrible.

And really.. what happened to common courtesy? If we can't be honest - "no, it's YOU, not ME"... can't we at least lie a little..even if it is to a stranger? It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

So much kinder, and braver to suck it up and let someone know that you wish them the very best, they are awesome but you just don't see things going any further.

So.. if you date me... pleeeeeeeeaase.. just be upfront and tell me you don't like me. I'm a grownup and cool with that.

JanieJack

It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

I disagree. When a guy poofs he is not leaving me hanging. He is telling me very clearly that he is no longer interested. If I go to text a guy, and I see that I have 3 other texts sent that he has not responded to, then I know he is not interested. He doesn't have to tell me verbally. He told me loud and clear with his silence. If he were interested he would respond. If he were interested and his phone was broke, he'd find another way to get ahold of me. Guys take extraordinary measures when they are interested.

I don't agree with poofing, but I *do* agree it is very clear communication.

Danielle_2013

^^ Okay.. fine.. you are right. It's the whole "He's just not into you" concept. Which is accurate. Sadly. And I do give too many chances for people to redeem themselves. It's a problem. I admit it!

TheKitsune6

And really.. what happened to common courtesy? If we can't be honest - "no, it's YOU, not ME"... can't we at least lie a little..even if it is to a stranger? It is awful to leave someone hanging, wondering and to not have closure.. particularly if you are a few dates in.

So much kinder, and braver to suck it up and let someone know that you wish them the very best, they are awesome but you just don't see things going any further.

I can kind of see where you're coming from, but it strikes me as a bit odd that so early on one would need "closure". I get that it's not nice but I don't think it's necessarily bad in and of itself to just... stop. I mean, does one really spend that much time wondering beyond, "Oh, he's not responding. Guess I'll lose that number". What does it matter? I just don't understand. I personally don't feel I owe anyone any type of emotional turmoil so early on in getting to know each other. Is that really so rude? Why do I have to consider their feelings before my own? It's not like any real harm can come from it.

JanieJack

^^ Okay.. fine.. you are right. It's the whole "He's just not into you" concept. Which is accurate. Sadly. And I do give too many chances for people to redeem themselves. It's a problem. I admit it!

Let me just add: I *DO* agree that it's rude to leave someone hanging w/o closure... but I just don't consider 2-3 dates or a couple weeks of texting to require "closure."

You're not a "couple" and you (shouldn't have**) built up any significant emotional connection at that point. NOW... IF it were 3-4 months of seeing each other every weekend that would be different. Yeah, common courtesy would require at least an attempt at an explanation.

** = -my opinion only, as some people say I move too slow

Danielle_2013

2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

TheKitsune6

2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

This might make me a horrible person, but that type of attachment so early on has been a reason I poofed before. The feeling of "breaking up" with someone that I don't even know (and that didn't even know me!) was too weird for me to handle.

It's great that you are able to open up and be so vulnerable with people, but not everyone has that gift. It's not right to expect that same kind of response. I genuinely wish I had the ability to be so open. The tradeoff is simply understanding that people poof and that is a kind of closure in and of itself.

Danielle_2013

I do understand what you ladies are saying.. but I like my men strong, confident and with the balls to be honest and upfront. Hell, if I can do it.. so should they. I absolutely expect the same response back...then again, I think I probably just want to date the male version of myself (yeah..we can get into MY issues on another thread).

No communication, dropping off the face of the earth and even relying too much on text shows me quickly that you don't respect me and are not worth my time. Trust me.. the message does get received. But I still maintain that it is not too much to ask for some honesty, clarity and respect.

In terms of whether or not 2-3 dates or a few weeks of texting does or does not yield a significant enough connection..well that is really up to the individual couple. I can guarantee I probably don't operate on anyone else's timeline..or ahere to their version of what "should" or "should not" happen. No.. chemistry, attraction and connection are intense and wonderful things that for me don't fit any specific rhyme, reason or rule. If I always held back and played by the so-called rules, well I wouldn't have any fun at all.. not to mention the long term relationships I've been in.

La_Amazona

I'm poofing as we speak (hawaiian) because apparently I don't have the balls to tell him Im not interested anymore. I guess it's hard because honestly, I don't know WHY I'm not interested. He seems to be a good guy (since we live a bit further, we talk on the phone a lot) and he seems to be genuinely interested in me.
I've been ignoring his calls and most texts. I feel guilty because he has put in alot of effort (unlike my last bf) up to this point. I need to just tell him.

Its driving me nuts because I feel I want something (relationship) yet I don't. I'm having fun.

When I have a bf, it's lovely and when we break up I'm sad that I don't have him around anymore to just talk to or just lay there to watch tv. I get over it a week later (I stop missing him) and then the switch comes on. Suddenly I'm super happy to be single again meeting new people and just having a blast to where those little moments I missed a while back, aren't missable anymore.

JanieJack

2-3 dates and/or a couple weeks of texting would require some attempt at closure for me. Then again, I don't move slow. Oh well!

This might make me a horrible person, but that type of attachment so early on has been a reason I poofed before.

I would end it if someone were THAT attached to me after a couple weeks. Unless we've been together every single day, seen each other in a variety of situations, then they don't really *know* me well enough to be THAT attached to *me.* There was a guy I met in training for 3 weeks and we saw each others character tested. Him I believed when he liked me (too bad he was a cheater). But 2-3 dates? I would question their judgment.

I actually think this is a big reason why more guys poof than women… because women are more likely to get uber-attached very quickly.

chemistry, attraction and connection are intense and wonderful things that for me don't fit any specific rhyme, reason or rule. If I always held back and played by the so-called rules, well I wouldn't have any fun at all

I wonder if this intense connection you feel is scaring off potential suitors the same way it would scare me off? Not saying you’re wrong – you just need to find someone else who is as emotionally connected as you are (which greatly thins your dating pool).