My Happy Single Life

UsedToBeHusky

So... I have been single for almost two years. I've pal'd around with my ex but I have refused to re-commit. I've been on two dates... both equally bad. And I flirt on the internet, but nothing ever pans out.

Anyway... I am beginning to think that I am happy this way. Even though I have been single before, I have never been more comfortable with it than now. I have two daughters and I always worry about who I bring into their lives. I don't want to be like my mom and be so desperate to have a companion in life that I sacrifice or ignore their well-being so I am constantly on guard about who I have in my life in that respect. Also, I have been burned by every adult relationship I have ever had so I am extremely gun-shy about relationships in general.

I am happy and comfortable being single. But at the same time, there is this nagging voice that reminds me that my kids will move out some day. I don't want to be the crazy, old cat lady (my teenager has already started those jokes). I just don't really know where I stand with the whole concept of 'love' right now. I don't know what I want. And even if I was certain that I want a relationship, I'm not sure I would know how to find a good relationship (since I've been fooled before).

Thoughts? Advice? Suggestions?

MikeM53082

Not really sure how to interpret your post. You seem happy w/ your current life in that you are single. Then, in the next paragraph you say it would be nice to not grow old alone. It sounds that you aren't sure what exactly you want.

My only advice is to decide whether you want to be with someone or want to stay single. Do you want to be in love with someone else or are you happy with your life the way it is?

UsedToBeHusky

Not really sure how to interpret your post. You seem happy w/ your current life in that you are single. Then, in the next paragraph you say it would be nice to not grow old alone. It sounds that you aren't sure what exactly you want.

My only advice is to decide whether you want to be with someone or want to stay single. Do you want to be in love with someone else or are you happy with your life the way it is?

That's kind of the problem. I'm not sure.

I'm happy not being tied down to a relationship because past relationships, either they are a disappointment to me or I am a disappointment to them. But I don't want to throw away all opportunities for the potential to be happy in a relationship just because my past relationships failed miserably.

I am happy on my own. All of my needs for financial and emotional stability are met in my life as it is right now. The only use that I have for a relationship is physical and, in the long term, companionship.

I guess what I'm asking is... should I even bother looking right now? I haven't really extended myself over the last two years to finding a relationship. Should I change that?

DMZ_1

I also don't know how to interpret your post.

If your physical needs are being taken care of by your ex, you don't need to have the motivation to find a new relationship. Also, new guys would not be enamored of that arrangement.

You do say that you don't know what you want. Perhaps you need some time alone to figure that out, including alone from the kids. It's too bad that summer just ended. Sending the kids away to their grandparents for a period of like 2-6 weeks would have been an opportunity to find yourself and figure this out.

UsedToBeHusky

I also don't know how to interpret your post.

If your physical needs are being taken care of by your ex, you don't need to have the motivation to find a new relationship. Also, new guys would not be enamored of that arrangement.

You do say that you don't know what you want. Perhaps you need some time alone to figure that out, including alone from the kids. It's too bad that summer just ended. Sending the kids away to their grandparents for a period of like 2-6 weeks would have been an opportunity to find yourself and figure this out.

Nah... they have spent some time away over the last couple of years. Hasn't made much of a difference.

The ex doesn't really come around that often... he's moved away. And he hasn't really been delivering much in the bedroom lately anyway. Not sure if its performance anxiety or physical problems that he is having, but I don't really want to bring it up. He and I have discussed that eventually I will want to move on so I really don't think he would stand in anyone's way if someone else were to come along.

In reality, I just don't want my reason for choosing a lifetime of 'single-hood' to be because I'm scared of getting hurt. But I don't want to rush into another relationship because I'm scared of being alone. Just trying to hash this out.

kristen6022

My advice is to get rid of the ex (all contact that doesn't relate to the kids) and just be single for a while. I mean no men, no dating and no sex. Like for 6 months to a year. Learn to be really alone, that's the only way you'll know what you really want. Concentrate solely on you. Take classes, better yourself. Start a new exercise routine. People tend to cloud your judgement and make what you really want be confusing.

Moe4572

If you aren't sure if you are ready, maybe you aren't. But, you could test it by "dipping your toes" so to speak. Start looking just to see if there is anyone interesting out there--whether IRL or online...just don't use anyone consciously.

julesboots

I wonder if the question isn't "should I or shouldn't I seek out a relationship right now" but more just acknowledgement that you're feeling relatively independent and healthy relative to your past? You describe feeling basically satisfied.
Satisfaction with life and emotional health are what might eventually allow you to have a "growing old together" kind of relationship. It sounds like you want that, but are maybe healthy enough to realize that chasing after it like an insane person isn't going to get you there.

Edit: I'd also suggest cutting off sex with the ex completely. You probably aren't emotionally available (to others or even maybe yourself) if this is happening- even if you convince yourself that you are.

JanieJack

I enjoy dating (I love men!), but I am very happy being single. I sometimes get afraid that by time my son moves out I will be too old to "get" the kind of man I am looking for, but I'm *more* afraid of being stuck in a loveless, unfulfilling marriage with some man who treats me the way I see most men treat their wives. There ARE some good marriages out there, but more often miserable people who are only staying together so they "won't end up alone," or so they'll have a built-in caretaker.

I've been "married and alone" so for me finding another life partner does NOT equal a guarantee that I won't end up "old and alone." I'm determined to be the fun, active, involved kind of person that always has friends around. I would love to settle down again one day, but it's not essential to my happiness.

DMZ_1

My advice is to get rid of the ex (all contact that doesn't relate to the kids) and just be single for a while. I mean no men, no dating and no sex. Like for 6 months to a year. Learn to be really alone, that's the only way you'll know what you really want.

This is pretty good advice. I'd say that a shorter period, like 4-6 months would be sufficient, since you have already had a couple of years of no relationship time. Single life, as a whole, is pretty ungratifying after age 25.

However, your definition and your experience of single life is different than my own. When I talk about single life, I talk about the childless, one bedroom apartment, cook, clean and do laundry for yourself life. Having 2 kids puts a different spin on it.

pa_jorg

If you have to ask the question, then I don't think you're ready to be dating. For me personally, I took time to grieve my last relationship and then there was a short time when I wondered if I should be ready or not. Then one day I just woke up and was 100% ready - it was a total light bulb moment for me. And now that I'm on the other side of that it's easier to see that I wasn't ready when I was still wondering.

christine24t

I think we all feel that way sometimes. I do. Today, I'm happy being single. Yesterday I was saying how I had someone to do couple things with. It's normal.

MikeM53082

After re-reading the thread, it seems that the OP is in the exact situation with a woman I know very well. She's very successful, ridiculous condo, very involved with fund raising, insane art collection, etc etc. She has nothing to worry about financially and her extensive social network satisfies her emotionally.

The only thing left is sex. She's with a different guy every single weekend and absolutely loves it. It provides for some crazy lunchtime conversations we have, sometimes I feel like I'm listening to Kim Cattrall from Sex in the City.

Re-evaluate your life from square one; financially, emotionally, and sexually. If you can meet all three aspects, I wouldn't be concerned with finding a boyfriend at this point.

UsedToBeHusky

Thanks. You guys made some great points. Very helpful! :flowerforyou:

pammbroo

I'm at a similar point in my life. Single mom with my only son away at college. Never been married. Great job, nice home, financially independent, incredible friends (mostly married) & a decent social life. I'm afraid I am a bit of a crazy animal lady already. Two cats and a dog. Only obvious thing "missing" is a man. I've been single for the past 18 years or so. I don't have much luck with dating in general, but am open when/if the opportunity presents itself. While I would love to have someone to share my life with (especially b/c I've never had any kind of "healthy", committed relationship ever), I'm pretty content and happy for the most part.

So, I've decided that I'm going to live my life, do my thing and should someone come my way, GREAT! But I'm not actively pursuing it. Tried online dating on and off for awhile and it made me nuts. I do feel like I'm a bit guarded b/c of my dating experiences and sometimes feel like I am my own worst enemy in that regard. And I have those moments where I worry about growing old alone and possibly becoming a burden on my son. But at the same time, I don't feel like that is reason enough to try and lasso a man.

I have to believe if there is someone out there for me, it will happen. If it doesn't, then I need to be okay with that as well. While sometimes that is not always an easy pill to swallow when thinking long term, at this point in my life, it very well may be my fate.

So I think you should enjoy your happy single life. Sounds like you are in a good place. You hold all the cards and can decide when and if you want to change it. Have fun!