Deal breaker?

jkandktmom

Hi all! This is my first time posting but I have been reading and would love to be more active. I have recently been dating John, who I have known for over two years. We dated once before but I ended up going back to my ex-boyfriend. We stayed friends over the last two years and recently have moved to the ‘next level’. Things have been going really great for the last couple of months and we are both really falling for each other.

Last night we were talking on the phone and he told me that he had a confession to make. He confessed was that he works seven days a week. He is a franchise owner of a snack food company and makes delivers over a 4 county area. He has one employee and does almost everything himself. I knew he worked long hours, although I didn’t know he worked Sundays and most major holidays. As we were discussing it I didn’t think it was a big deal. He has always made time for me and always makes time for his kids. It seemed like a non-issue.

However, as I went to sleep I started really thinking. I enjoy a weekend getaways every now and then. I’m also the spontaneous type that would love to fly to Vegas. I love to travel and explore. Obviously a serious relationship with John at this point wouldn’t include any of that. He said he has been working on giving his employee more responsibility but it doesn’t seem like he will be decreasing his work load anytime soon.

So my question is would this be a deal breaker for you? Would the lack of traveling/weekends away be a reason not to pursue a relationship?

DMZ_1

Scheduling is a big deal. You need to be able to see the other person with enough frequency.

Travel is so much harder to do without a significant other. It is a lot more difficult to schedule a trip with a friend. So if the need to travel matters so much to you, maybe this is not a fit.

oddyogi

It's all based on what's more important to you, I suppose. If you think you would be more unhappy without travelling than without him then I'd say it's not a good fit.

Roadie2000

You say his work won't be decreasing any time soon, does this mean the next few months or the next few years, or is it still uncertain? I could maybe put up with that for a year or so, but it would get old quick. He never gets a few days off all year?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Ask yourself if you'd rather have your weekend getaways or him in your life.

Prahasaurus

I work a lot. I travel a lot. Everyone has time to develop a relationship, no matter how busy they are. The key is how you prioritize your time. It's that simple.

Right now, my priorities are my kids and my work, in that order. I say I don't have time for a relationship, but it's simply because I don't want to make it a priority. At least not now. This can obviously change quickly, especially if I meet someone special. But I'm not really looking, to be honest. It's not a top priority now.

Apparently he's making some time for your now, so that's great. However, as the courtship phase ends, are you going to be happy being priority number 2 or 3? If not, you probably need to ask him how he can make more time in the future for the two of you. Be specific, you don't want to speak in generalities here that can be misunderstood. Getting vague commitments is only delaying resolution.

For example, say you respect he's hard working, it's another reason why you like him, etc., etc., but you need at least one weekend a month together, no work, mobile phone off. Give him examples of what you'd like to do on that weekend (trip to Vegas, camping, whatever). Tell him he can of couse involve the kids, too. Whatever you're comfortable with. And you'd like to start as soon as possible.

If he can't trust his employee to hold the fort down for one weekend, he has the wrong employee. You're not asking for a lot, so I can't see why he wouldn't make the time to accomodate you, if you are truly a priority in his life.

If he refuses, or continually delays committing to your first weekend, then it's clear you are a low priority, and you have to ask yourself if you're comfortable with that.

Good luck.

--P

jkandktmom

You say his work won't be decreasing any time soon, does this mean the next few months or the next few years, or is it still uncertain? I could maybe put up with that for a year or so, but it would get old quick. He never gets a few days off all year?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Ask yourself if you'd rather have your weekend getaways or him in your life.

Right now I'd much rather have him in my life! I think I do need to clarify with him whether working 7 days a week is a forever thing or just a for now while he gets his employee up to speed.

hrshygrl00

-Smoking is an absolute deal breaker.
-Drugs are a dealbreaker, including those who smoke weed. I'm not having it.
-More than 2 kids is a dealbreaker, ESPECIALLY if those kids are with more than one woman.

I have more, but those are the top 3.

jesusHchris

You say his work won't be decreasing any time soon, does this mean the next few months or the next few years, or is it still uncertain? I could maybe put up with that for a year or so, but it would get old quick. He never gets a few days off all year?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Ask yourself if you'd rather have your weekend getaways or him in your life.

I was basically going to just say this. Also, there is nothing like the motivation of a great woman to get a dude to make positive changed in his life. One of them might be streamlining his business, increasing revenue and being able to afford more help. I'm betting he would love to get away for the weekend with you as well.

Good luck!

Roadie2000

You say his work won't be decreasing any time soon, does this mean the next few months or the next few years, or is it still uncertain? I could maybe put up with that for a year or so, but it would get old quick. He never gets a few days off all year?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Ask yourself if you'd rather have your weekend getaways or him in your life.

Right now I'd much rather have him in my life! I think I do need to clarify with him whether working 7 days a week is a forever thing or just a for now while he gets his employee up to speed.

That's usually how small businesses start, a LOT of work for a while until you get established and then you can start hiring more people to expand, make more money, and work less...hopefully. In an ideal world, the business goes so well that he makes tons of money and barely has to work and can travel with you all the time....you never know.

A small business is definitely a risk, so you might be taking a risk too by getting involved. It will have downsides but a potential for big upsides.

But some people are just workaholics. Just make sure he wants the same things you want eventually.

kristen6022

It would be a deal breaker for me. I work a 7am-3:30pm M-F job. I have the funds to go out after work and take trips on the weekends. I could understand if my guy needed to pick up a temporary PT job to fund something, but long term I couldn't give up spending my time with him on weekends.

MaraDiaz

It wouln't bother me as long as I trusted him not to be out with other women while on the road or married to six other women along his route or shooting heroin at rest stops or robbing banks or leaving a trail of dead prostitutes in his wake...okay, you get the idea. Sorry, I watch too much reality TV.

Anyway, the other thing I'd want to know is, does he enjoy what he does and see himself as successful in a future that doesn't involve working himself to death? In other words, is he making it and happy or is he struggling and unhappy? Because an unhappy, struggling partner is tough to deal with, especially one who is tired and cranky from working all day every day.

Does he ever go anywhere interesting on weekends, someplace you might like to go along? Cozy hotelrooms with scenic views and all that? Maybe you could blend his work and your weekend fun time once in awhile? If it's his business, he probably won't fire himself for it.

jkandktmom

It wouln't bother me as long as I trusted him not to be out with other women while on the road or married to six other women along his route or shooting heroin at rest stops or robbing banks or leaving a trail of dead prostitutes in his wake...okay, you get the idea. Sorry, I watch too much reality TV.

Anyway, the other thing I'd want to know is, does he enjoy what he does and see himself as successful in a future that doesn't involve working himself to death? In other words, is he making it and happy or is he struggling and unhappy? Because an unhappy, struggling partner is tough to deal with, especially one who is tired and cranky from working all day every day.

Does he ever go anywhere interesting on weekends, someplace you might like to go along? Cozy hotelrooms with scenic views and all that? Maybe you could blend his work and your weekend fun time once in awhile? If it's his business, he probably won't fire himself for it.

He is home every night. He ends his day between 5-7 every day. On the weekends he works mostly in the morning so we always have time to be together in the afternoon and evening.

I do think he is happy and he wants to make his business a success. He has almost three years invested in his company and has just added on and taken on his first employee.

JanieJack

But some people are just workaholics. Just make sure he wants the same things you want eventually.

I dated a guy like this once. Because I travel a lot for work, his schedule didn't really bother me at first. But over time, I began to realize that he was indeed workaholic, and his first marriage fell apart because he didn't devote enough time to the family. From his perspective, the fact that he was bringing home good money should have been enough.

But money is not my #1 concern. Having fun together is my #1 concern. So he and I weren't compatible long term.

That said, I've started a business before (this is my 10th year online) and so I know it DOES take a few years of commitment and overworking to get a small business off and running.

MissingMinnesota

It would be deal breaker for me especially in the begining stages of a relationship. I need some face to face time with someone to determine if we even click together.

lacroyx

So my question is would this be a deal breaker for you? Would the lack of traveling/weekends away be a reason not to pursue a relationship?

I think it depends on the severity and situation. I work graveyard including weekends. I have Mon/Tues off. I sometimes think about it and I forsee conflicting schedules. If I really liked the girl I'd want to give it a try.

For me dealbreakers are:

Smoker. No thanks

A drug user.

Couch potato. I can't be with someone who isn't at least a little active.

No kids. I'd prefer to meet someone with no kids but as I get older that pool of available women in my age range w/o kids gets smaller and smaller. Unless I were to go after someone super young. Which would just make me feel creepy old guy and I don't want that. :laugh:

Anti-gay/lesbian. I can't be with someone who hates or dislikes that.

Racist. Same as above. I can't be with someone who hates blacks/whites/hispanic/asian etc etc

cdngirl71

Yes that would be a deal breaker for me. I don't want to date a workaholic or someone scared to give more responsibility to an employee. Sounds like he needs to trust his employees a bit more so he doesn't have to work 7 days a week.

My other deal breakers are if he smokes, does drugs and has no job.

LALOCHA34

It sounds like he does make time for you and that is great (and his kids too). He must never have a day to himself.

That has to be exhausting.

I have dated those guys who have to work a lot or have other obligations (kids) and it is hard. I too like to take weekend trips and idealy would like to take them with someone special. If his 24/7 on duty schedule (yes I know he gets evenings off) is long term it would sadly be a deal breaker for me.

I am not the clingly type either. I enjoy my time to myself but I would not want to feel constantly 2nd/3rd to his other obligations. If he can work some "get away" time out for you every so often than that would be okay.

I think you may consider it a dealbreaker since you are here and asking. Good luck.