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Eating Disorder recovery- it IS possible! My story
fuzzysham
Posts: 75 Member
I was a chubby kid and tired of people making fun of me. When I was 13-14 I started exercising and eating healthy, however I soon spun out of control. I remember the exact date I started slipping into an eating disorder. I had lost a good amount of weight and was finally in a healthy BMI range, but after I had ( a healthy dinner) I remember saying..."I worked so hard to lose this weight and I just ate it all back". That was the start of it all. That one dinner.
I spent the next few years starving myself until people would comment on how sickly skinny I was. I wasn't actually in the anorexic "weight range" for a long time, but I knew I had to be the *best* at this and be the sickest I could be. No one understands that feeling unless they have been in a similar situation. I hid it from my parents for a long time, but they knew what was going on. I was depressed, I wouldn't eat, I would exercise secretly at night. Any amount of stress immediately made me get worse. Towards the last few years of my eating disorder I started purging. I never really binged and purged, I would just purge. It felt so nice to know I could just get rid of the food- and feel better afterwards.
I went to all kinds of therapists and nutritionists but I knew that unless I wanted to change, i wasn't going to follow anything they told me. I needed something bad to happen. Something that would show me "oh X happened and now youve been there and you can recover". X ended up being a misscariage, losing some of my hair, purging every day etc.
Then I dated a guy. Total douche, but I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe that reason was making a bet with him that I wasn't going to purge for a whole week. That whole week was 4 years this july 17th. I felt like I have gotten to that low point and I might be able to move on from it. I got the NEDA logo tattooed on my ankle and from that moment on I felt like I could let go. I had done this and gotten the mark in time tattooed on me and no one can deny that I went through this even if I'm not skinny like that anymore. That tattoo was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I look at it and I think of how strong it made me.
It has now been over 4 years since I've purged or starved ( of any kind).
I gained a lot of weight as part of my recovery process and yes, it has made me feel extremely uncomfortable. But it took me a few years until i was able to exercise without falling back into old habits. I used to exercise everyday and now telling myself that I don't feel like it tonight, is an accomplishment. I started using MFP and I have (healthily!) lost 24 pounds since about April. It is the nicest feeling to do this healthily and still enjoy my favorite foods that I could never go and eat!
It has been a long and bumpy road....there have been a few occasions where i wanted to purge- but why throw these years of hard work away? I worked my *kitten* off for them! I thought I was going to be sick forever, but it IS possible to recover- once you know you really want to and are able to let go.
Today, I have no problems talking about my eating disorders. If any of you need support- feel free to add me! Only someone who has gone through something like that will truly understand how you feel.
I want this hellish experience to help other people- it helped make me the strong person I am today
I spent the next few years starving myself until people would comment on how sickly skinny I was. I wasn't actually in the anorexic "weight range" for a long time, but I knew I had to be the *best* at this and be the sickest I could be. No one understands that feeling unless they have been in a similar situation. I hid it from my parents for a long time, but they knew what was going on. I was depressed, I wouldn't eat, I would exercise secretly at night. Any amount of stress immediately made me get worse. Towards the last few years of my eating disorder I started purging. I never really binged and purged, I would just purge. It felt so nice to know I could just get rid of the food- and feel better afterwards.
I went to all kinds of therapists and nutritionists but I knew that unless I wanted to change, i wasn't going to follow anything they told me. I needed something bad to happen. Something that would show me "oh X happened and now youve been there and you can recover". X ended up being a misscariage, losing some of my hair, purging every day etc.
Then I dated a guy. Total douche, but I believe everything happens for a reason. And I believe that reason was making a bet with him that I wasn't going to purge for a whole week. That whole week was 4 years this july 17th. I felt like I have gotten to that low point and I might be able to move on from it. I got the NEDA logo tattooed on my ankle and from that moment on I felt like I could let go. I had done this and gotten the mark in time tattooed on me and no one can deny that I went through this even if I'm not skinny like that anymore. That tattoo was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. I look at it and I think of how strong it made me.
It has now been over 4 years since I've purged or starved ( of any kind).
I gained a lot of weight as part of my recovery process and yes, it has made me feel extremely uncomfortable. But it took me a few years until i was able to exercise without falling back into old habits. I used to exercise everyday and now telling myself that I don't feel like it tonight, is an accomplishment. I started using MFP and I have (healthily!) lost 24 pounds since about April. It is the nicest feeling to do this healthily and still enjoy my favorite foods that I could never go and eat!
It has been a long and bumpy road....there have been a few occasions where i wanted to purge- but why throw these years of hard work away? I worked my *kitten* off for them! I thought I was going to be sick forever, but it IS possible to recover- once you know you really want to and are able to let go.
Today, I have no problems talking about my eating disorders. If any of you need support- feel free to add me! Only someone who has gone through something like that will truly understand how you feel.
I want this hellish experience to help other people- it helped make me the strong person I am today
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Thanks for your story.. Im going to send you a friend request. :flowerforyou:0
This discussion has been closed.