Dating again?
MelodyinGa
Posts: 202 Member
So, I'm a SM to a wonderful little girl. She is with my all the time basically except when she spends summers with her dad. Now that I am losing weight and becoming healthy again, I want to start dating again. It is much tougher than I expected as far as my standards go. I am self-sufficient, own my home, paid for car, work FT, good credit and savings. BUT, it seems that all that I run across are guys that lack in those areas. And not to mention, how protective I am of my daughter. A good thing, of course. What has been your experience trying to find someone your compatible with? Now that I am a mother, I don't overlook the red flags like I did before.
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I've been a single parent in GA for the last 5 years - so I definitely know some of what you're feeling. I also have my son almost 100% of the time - his dad lives 700 miles away. There are definitely some jerks out there, but what surprised me ultimately was how many selfish people there are out there. I DEFINITELY became a lot pickier after my divorce for reasons that you stated. My son was just over a year old when I split with his dad - and I am extremely conscious about some of the crazy people out there and my desire to protect him from them. What made it more difficult was that I did not completely trust my own decision making when it came to dating - otherwise I wouldn't be divorced right?!?!
So in the last five years, I did not (until very recently) have a single relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I have been out on more than my fair share of dates. I have met people online, in bars, in the grocery store, at work - you name it. But through my divorce I became ultra sensitive to any red flags - so as soon as I got even a hint of one I would cut bait. It wasn't always easy - but I'd also numbed myself quite a bit to the emotional aspects of a relationship and really never gave myself an opportunity to get invested - which made it easier to walk away.
I don't expect anyone to take care of me financially - but they darn well better be able to take care of themselves. I have to enjoy talking to them. I have to enjoy being around them. I have to trust them and respect them. There have been many times where I honestly believed I would remain single the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. My friends all knew I was pretty anti-relationships, definitely anti-labels. My favorite quote was, "It's good to stay married, better to stay divorced" :-)
For me that all changed several months ago :-) I met someone (through an online dating site - christianmingle.com) and for the first time probably ever in my life, I feel like I've found someone who encompasses everything that I want in a mate. He is financially stable, has his own home, his own car, sees his kids every other weekend... we have fun together, laugh together, cook together, exercise together... i respect him, admire him, value his opinion and trust him completely. He's not the best looking guy I've ever dated - but I absolutely love looking at him :-) He's not perfect - but in my eyes he's about as close to it as you can get :-) He's generous, thoughtful, and is supportive of me in my goals to lose weight, while telling me almost daily how beautiful I am.
So my advice to you is get back out there... date... but never ever ever settle for less than what you want. Don't let your weight and lack of full confidence convince you to settle. You will find what you are looking for - if you leave yourself open and available to find it and don't lock yourself down to someone who isnt worthy of your time and affection. Don't let it be a focus of your life though and don't let being in a relationship something that defines you.... define yourself based on things you believe and you enjoy - and eventually, when the time is right, the right person will come along who will complement that. May take a while - after five years I didn't think I was ever going to find someone... but I can tell you this - when you find the right person for you - it will make every single day worth the wait you had to go through - and your past experiences will teach you how to appreciate them :-)
Hope that helps!0 -
Thank you so very much for your response. You articulate so well and have inspired me. Congrats on your relationship! May all your dreams come true!!0
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I've been a single parent in GA for the last 5 years - so I definitely know some of what you're feeling. I also have my son almost 100% of the time - his dad lives 700 miles away. There are definitely some jerks out there, but what surprised me ultimately was how many selfish people there are out there. I DEFINITELY became a lot pickier after my divorce for reasons that you stated. My son was just over a year old when I split with his dad - and I am extremely conscious about some of the crazy people out there and my desire to protect him from them. What made it more difficult was that I did not completely trust my own decision making when it came to dating - otherwise I wouldn't be divorced right?!?!
So in the last five years, I did not (until very recently) have a single relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. I have been out on more than my fair share of dates. I have met people online, in bars, in the grocery store, at work - you name it. But through my divorce I became ultra sensitive to any red flags - so as soon as I got even a hint of one I would cut bait. It wasn't always easy - but I'd also numbed myself quite a bit to the emotional aspects of a relationship and really never gave myself an opportunity to get invested - which made it easier to walk away.
I don't expect anyone to take care of me financially - but they darn well better be able to take care of themselves. I have to enjoy talking to them. I have to enjoy being around them. I have to trust them and respect them. There have been many times where I honestly believed I would remain single the rest of my life, and I was okay with that. My friends all knew I was pretty anti-relationships, definitely anti-labels. My favorite quote was, "It's good to stay married, better to stay divorced" :-)
For me that all changed several months ago :-) I met someone (through an online dating site - christianmingle.com) and for the first time probably ever in my life, I feel like I've found someone who encompasses everything that I want in a mate. He is financially stable, has his own home, his own car, sees his kids every other weekend... we have fun together, laugh together, cook together, exercise together... i respect him, admire him, value his opinion and trust him completely. He's not the best looking guy I've ever dated - but I absolutely love looking at him :-) He's not perfect - but in my eyes he's about as close to it as you can get :-) He's generous, thoughtful, and is supportive of me in my goals to lose weight, while telling me almost daily how beautiful I am.
So my advice to you is get back out there... date... but never ever ever settle for less than what you want. Don't let your weight and lack of full confidence convince you to settle. You will find what you are looking for - if you leave yourself open and available to find it and don't lock yourself down to someone who isnt worthy of your time and affection. Don't let it be a focus of your life though and don't let being in a relationship something that defines you.... define yourself based on things you believe and you enjoy - and eventually, when the time is right, the right person will come along who will complement that. May take a while - after five years I didn't think I was ever going to find someone... but I can tell you this - when you find the right person for you - it will make every single day worth the wait you had to go through - and your past experiences will teach you how to appreciate them :-)
Hope that helps!
Thank you for sharing, and you couldn't have said it any more perfect.0 -
I've been single since I was about 3 months pregnant. I dated online here and there but never got far enough to actually meet. Before I became a mom, I always dated people that I've had long friendships with so it was easy. Then I lost a lot of my friends when I became pregnant because I had to learn to live a good life for my chlid, and my friends chose to stay down their dark paths.
The thought of bringing people around my son *who is now 1* TERRIFIES me. I've only been one on date really, a guy I met online, but I pretty much had to mother him and I'm just not down for taking care of someone older than me.
Before I had my son, I always had a boyfriend. I love sharing my life with someone else. Now I'm more alone than ever. I live with a married couple and an engaged couple. My ex only takes our son 1 night every other weekend so that doesn't really leave a lot of time for a social life.
Being 22, not a lot of guys my age care to take on dating a mom. I don't need someone to take care of me, I've been paying my own bills since I was 17 and I like the financial independence, but I'm a loving soul. I'm not meant to be alone and it SUCKS.
I'd love to build confidence with my body so I'm more willing to put myself out there on the market. I can't feel good enough for someone else if I can't feel good enough for myself.0 -
My dating pool shrunk considerably the more self sufficient I became. I think guys just don't like to be around a woman who can take care of her self and not put with their jerkiness. One told me he was intimidated. Another said he was afraid there was nothing else he could do to make me happy, nothing he could add value to my life. That was weird for me.
But there are good guys out there. It's just that so many women are desperate and lonely that they put up with jerky behavior and men who don't work. That means the rest of us with standards aren't gonna hold your typical guy's attention very long (or put up with him).
It's nice to be married. But it's better to be single than miserably married.0 -
My dating pool shrunk considerably the more self sufficient I became. I think guys just don't like to be around a woman who can take care of her self and not put with their jerkiness. One told me he was intimidated. Another said he was afraid there was nothing else he could do to make me happy, nothing he could add value to my life. That was weird for me.
But there are good guys out there. It's just that so many women are desperate and lonely that they put up with jerky behavior and men who don't work. That means the rest of us with standards aren't gonna hold your typical guy's attention very long (or put up with him).
It's nice to be married. But it's better to be single than miserably married.
pretty much sums it up..0 -
I'm wary of getting involved with another man.
My first husband, the father of my children, died about seven years ago. I remained single for almost five years... then I met this man and we became best friends... that friendship turned into a relationship. Things were wonderful. Or so I thought. We were a team. We cooked together. We played games together. We hosted/entertained together. We went to church together. We worked in children's ministry together. Then we moved...based on a prayerful decision... and life was tough, stressful... he decided then that he couldn't handle it anymore. He bailed on me. Mind you, this was the man whom my kids had adopted as their daddy. It was even part of the wedding vows. We never argued, never fought... we did have a few discussions, but I thought we always worked it out. He never let me know otherwise. One day, he texted me while I was at work and said that he had packed up his truck and he was moving. That was a year ago.
Unfortunately, I'm one of those women who desires attention and feels like she always has to have a man in her life. However, I do not have to be dating him. I just like to always have a man to talk to, whether on the phone or via internet. Yes, it's nice if I get to go out on a date every once in a while... I've dated two men since my divorce... and talked to several... some more than others...
I would love to be in a relationship again. I'm happy in a relationship.
But the idea of letting my guard down and giving my heart to someone else scares me to death.
And it's not only me that I have to worry about. My kids have been hurt just as badly as I have. They've lost their biological father... then the man who claimed to love them walked out on them and didn't even say goodbye.
So... I don't know... not sure if I should ever trust again or not...
I've thought about waiting until my kids are grown... that's about ten years... ugh...sigh...0 -
Wow SouthernSweet...sounds eerily similar to my ex. I just joined match.com. Like another poster said, our selection pools will become smaller as we become more independent and less tolerate to foolish behavior. I missed being married too.0
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Not all men are jerks, just have to search through the crappy ones. I don't date, to busy taking care of the kids full time. The X isn't involved, which is fine with me. The least amount of contact with her the better. I don't look for it but if love finds me I won't turn it away. jmo0
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Glad to know Zilla that all men aren't jerks! And all women aren't either. That's a hard pill to swallow when that's what you were married to I guess! I got a loooong way to go!0
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It's nice to be married. But it's better to be single than miserably married. >> amen to that!0
