Attracted to his Spirit but not his body : (

Jeneba

I have been thinking about a friend of mine who I realize is the closest to my ideal romantic partner - intelligent, kind, compassionate, trustworthy, reliable, affectionate... He is one of those Beautiful People imprisoned in layers and layers of fat, though. He is one of those people about whom others would say :you have such a gorgeous face..." I am so saddened by this because I want to be able to accept him for who is is NOW rather than how I would like him to be. I would never want to insult him by saying :IF you could just manage to lose some weight - you don't have to be buff, just more healthy - then I would fall head over heels in love with you..." Wow. I don't see any way out of this one.... Your thoughts?

kerrymh

I wish I knew..because you can`t insult him like that. Even though I get it!
Just don`t try and force it..hey atleast you know what you want personality wise..sometimes that is hard enough.

Jeneba

You are soooo right! We have never really spoken about it, but I am sure he is self-conscious enough about The Issue....

lacroyx

You should talk to him. Granted, the motivation ultimately should come from oneself, but it never hurts to express concerns for someone you care about. I've had female friends tell me how inspired and proud they are of my weight loss and were worried about me in the past but never said anything because they didn't wanna hurt my feelings. However this is comming from purely a friendship view. There wasn't romantic feelings involved. Well at least I don't think they have feelings for me. Or maybe they do and I'm just clueless, like with most things about girls. lol. However I'd defintely not say "if you only lost more weight..." part. That could crush him or it could be the spark to get him to a healthier lifestyle. Gaaaarrhgh I'm no help :frown:

MikeM53082

I have been thinking about a friend of mine who I realize is the closest to my ideal romantic partner - intelligent, kind, compassionate, trustworthy, reliable, affectionate... He is one of those Beautiful People imprisoned in layers and layers of fat, though. He is one of those people about whom others would say :you have such a gorgeous face..." I am so saddened by this because I want to be able to accept him for who is is NOW rather than how I would like him to be. I would never want to insult him by saying :IF you could just manage to lose some weight - you don't have to be buff, just more healthy - then I would fall head over heels in love with you..." Wow. I don't see any way out of this one.... Your thoughts?

Don't talk to him. You're only going to end up hurting his feelings. Trust me.

kerrymh

I think expressing concern as a friend who cares about him about his health is ok..you should want your friends to be healthy and around for a long period of time. I would never approach this from a judgemental approach though.
But I would not say if only you were not so obese we could date..NO!

Prahasaurus

I think expressing concern as a friend who cares about him about his health is ok..you should want your friends to be healthy and around for a long period of time. I would never approach this from a judgemental approach though.
But I would not say if only you were not so obese we could date..NO!

Sounds like great advice. Use the health angle, perhaps linked to your own diet/exercise regime (I assume you have one, since you are at this site). Perhaps he can walk with you in the evenings? Go to the gym with you? Try to get him involved in your activities, without being too pushy.

Completely agree that telling someone you'd only date them if they lost a lot of weight is not helpful.

--P

NCTravellingGirl

I think it's fine to share concern with his health but even that, will likely offend him. If each of us on this page think about it, I had people express things to me good and bad before I was ready. None of that mattered truthfully. I had to get to the place where I was ready and wanted to do it for me with no outcome planned except being healthier. I did lose a lot of weight one time in my life that didn't stick because I did it wanting to meet someone, so just be careful about what you say if you decide to proceed.

AnnaPixie

Well, I've told a big (no, huge!) guy who was interested in me that no way could I go out with him cos he'd squish me in bed !!!! And I dont like being on top all the time!!! :laugh: (Bear in mind I'm under 5ft tall so can get away with the 'little' thing)

But my humour has been known to get me into trouble!! :bigsmile:

I dunno, if you really love the guy I think I'd have an honest convo with him. However, what would you do if he lost weight, you got married, then he got fat again??

Personality seems to win through with me. The aforementioned guy doesn't rock my world, if he did, I think I would talk to him seriously. It's a (relatively) easy thing to overcome if he feels the same way about you. (Do you know if he feels the same way??) But yeah, I would gear it towards health/fitness/activity rather than physique, in order to spare his feelings.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

meshashesha2012

can you try inviting him out to do active stuff with you?

also most importantly, does he like you in that way? you could possibly be worrying about something that isnt even a possibility in his mind

JanieJack

I would not say if only you were not so obese we could date..NO!

I agree. Leave romance out of it. Not only will you hurt his feelings, but this too:

However, what would you do if he lost weight, you got married, then he got fat again??

Laura_Suzie

Well, I've told a big (no, huge!) guy who was interested in me that no way could I go out with him cos he'd squish me in bed !!!! And I dont like being on top all the time!!! :laugh: (Bear in mind I'm under 5ft tall so can get away with the 'little' thing)

LMAO!!! :laugh: I always think, "How the hell does that work?!" when I see a really big person and a really tiny person together. I'm awful, I know...

Also I would have loved to see the look on that guys face when you said that...

Jennifer2387

Did he even say he likes YOU? Just because he is fat doesn't mean he automatically has to like you because you aren't.

Why would you even consider saying if you lost weight I could love you. SMH.

MissingMinnesota

How many times have we seen the opposite in this forum? "My friend of so many years now says he likes me because I lost weight. Well it is his loss because he didn't like me because I am overweight so now I am not giving him a chance." This usually gets the response of "oh it was his loss he should have seen your inside beauty and not judged you on your weight"

I understand about not being attracted to someone because they are overweight or there is something else about them that turns you off. Just don't expect him to be around when he does lose weight or for him to even want you after you already pushed him aside because he was too big for you.

julesboots

Did he even say he likes YOU? Just because he is fat doesn't mean he automatically has to like you because you aren't.

Why would you even consider saying if you lost weight I could love you. SMH.

I'm not sure the assumption needs to exist that someone likes "you" for "you" to declare your interest. I've quietly told people I like them without knowing beforehand whether they liked me.

I'm not sure she assumes one way or the other- or needs to (although many- arguably most male/female friendships have a degree of love/sex interest from one side). Overall though, bad situation here.

Jennifer2387

Did he even say he likes YOU? Just because he is fat doesn't mean he automatically has to like you because you aren't.

Why would you even consider saying if you lost weight I could love you. SMH.

I'm not sure the assumption needs to exist that someone likes "you" for "you" to declare your interest. I've quietly told people I like them without knowing beforehand whether they liked me.

I'm not sure she assumes one way or the other- or needs to (although many- arguably most male/female friendships have a degree of love/sex interest from one side). Overall though, bad situation here.

But why, if he hasn't asked her out, would she be entertaining the thought of telling him if he wasn't fat she would date him.

But have you quietly told someone if you get skinny I will date you? Or if you cut your hair I will date you. If you get better shoes I will date you. This pisses me off. He is rolling through life thinking he has a friend in her and she is off on some website saying if only he were different he would then be good enough for her to love. If you aren't attracted to someone that ISN'T ASKING IF YOU ARE.. then why bother telling him he isn't skinny enough for you. grrrr

julesboots

Did he even say he likes YOU? Just because he is fat doesn't mean he automatically has to like you because you aren't.

Why would you even consider saying if you lost weight I could love you. SMH.

I'm not sure the assumption needs to exist that someone likes "you" for "you" to declare your interest. I've quietly told people I like them without knowing beforehand whether they liked me.

I'm not sure she assumes one way or the other- or needs to (although many- arguably most male/female friendships have a degree of love/sex interest from one side). Overall though, bad situation here.

But why, if he hasn't asked her out, would she be entertaining the thought of telling him if he wasn't fat she would date him.

But have you quietly told someone if you get skinny I will date you? Or if you cut your hair I will date you. If you get better shoes I will date you. This pisses me off. He is rolling through life thinking he has a friend in her and she is off on some website saying if only he were different he would then be good enough for her to love. If you aren't attracted to someone that ISN'T ASKING IF YOU ARE.. then why bother telling him he isn't skinny enough for you. grrrr

I agree that in this case there's great potential for a betrayal of the friendship, and I don't advocate for anyone to do that. I'm just saying that I've let someone know I was interested without knowing whether the other person was interested. "Did he even say he likes YOU? Just because he is fat doesn't mean he automatically has to like you because you aren't."-- That's what I was responding to.

This situation has an exchange component- so she'd have to be very careful about not letting him know that she'd only date him if..... But if she's a real friend anyway she can gauge how interested he is in a lifestyle change if he had some support- and then become that support if he wanted her to to that. Relationships grow out of friendships all the time. Neither of them know what would happen if she acted as a real friend and helped him change if that's what he were interested in.

Jennifer2387

Again .. If you aren't attracted to someone that ISN'T ASKING IF YOU ARE.. then why bother telling him he isn't skinny enough for you. Why even bring it up .. that is just hurtful.

I get what you are saying .. but have you let someone know that you are interested in them ... if ..

you wouldn't go up to someone and say hey .. go lose some weight and come back when you do and I will date you. Or .. hey you are pretty cute .. but your hair sucks .. go get it cut and come back and I will date you. Either you are attracted to them or you aren't. If you aren't why entertain the idea "if" and then tell him about your "if". It sucks.