Handling Disappointment

JanieJack

Last week when I found out that one of my deployment shots (anthrax vaccine) had ruined vision in my left eye permanently. The eye doctor is great and working with me to overcome this but I was really disappointed. I took time off to mope around the house and reached out to Mr. Beardburn, who lives an hour away. We decided to watch the same show on our DVRs “together” after we fix our respective dinners. But then he went radio silent. I watched something else, still waiting for him to tell me what time he wants to watch our show. I’ll admit, a tiny part of me was wondering if he’d decided to drive out here and physically watch it with me, but after a couple hours passed, I finally decided to go to bed.

I was really sad that night. I mean, how do you act all into me and then I get this devastating news and you disappear?? I almost sent him that as a text, but then I decided to just write “guess we’ll have to watch it later, going to bed now.” Turned out, he’d fallen asleep on his couch right after making arrangements and my text woke him up.

So fast forward to this weekend, which was fabulous.

However, I felt shell shocked meeting his parents and needed some time to think about where this might be going, so I delayed in responding to his “can I come over” text and then got caught up doing something else. So late at night, I check my messages and find a very sad “I just wanna talk to you” message on my phone. Then I go onto his facebook and he’s posted some things about being confused and sad. I called him and we talked about it. He said he felt like I was distant when I said goodbye and he was worried all day that I didn’t want to see him anymore.

I’m not used to guys putting all their feelings on facebook like that, though it was kinda nice for me to see how he felt (aside from feeling sad it was my fault forgetting to call him back). I see where he was coming from, but he knows nothing of the internal angst I was feeling when I thought he had stood me up for our “virtual date” (unless he finally decided to join MFP and reads this, lol)

I’m not inclined to tell him, but the whole thing makes me wonder if I’d be better off expressing myself more often (the way he does) or would that just backfire since I over analyze so much.

How do you guys handle disappointment in the early stages of a relationship?

poncho33

Last week when I found out that one of my deployment shots (anthrax vaccine) had ruined vision in my left eye permanently. The eye doctor is great and working with me to overcome this but I was really disappointed. I took time off to mope around the house and reached out to Mr. Beardburn, who lives an hour away. We decided to watch the same show on our DVRs “together” after we fix our respective dinners. But then he went radio silent. I watched something else, still waiting for him to tell me what time he wants to watch our show. I’ll admit, a tiny part of me was wondering if he’d decided to drive out here and physically watch it with me, but after a couple hours passed, I finally decided to go to bed.

I was really sad that night. I mean, how do you act all into me and then I get this devastating news and you disappear?? I almost sent him that as a text, but then I decided to just write “guess we’ll have to watch it later, going to bed now.” Turned out, he’d fallen asleep on his couch right after making arrangements and my text woke him up.

So fast forward to this weekend, which was fabulous.

However, I felt shell shocked meeting his parents and needed some time to think about where this might be going, so I delayed in responding to his “can I come over” text and then got caught up doing something else. So late at night, I check my messages and find a very sad “I just wanna talk to you” message on my phone. Then I go onto his facebook and he’s posted some things about being confused and sad. I called him and we talked about it. He said he felt like I was distant when I said goodbye and he was worried all day that I didn’t want to see him anymore.

I’m not used to guys putting all their feelings on facebook like that, though it was kinda nice for me to see how he felt (aside from feeling sad it was my fault forgetting to call him back). I see where he was coming from, but he knows nothing of the internal angst I was feeling when I thought he had stood me up for our “virtual date” (unless he finally decided to join MFP and reads this, lol)

I’m not inclined to tell him, but the whole thing makes me wonder if I’d be better off expressing myself more often (the way he does) or would that just backfire since I over analyze so much.

How do you guys handle disappointment in the early stages of a relationship?

I've never had someone get a injury or have something serious go down... however if a lot of drama starts showing up or we have a fight in the early stages I usually jet... doesn't seem like drama/or fighting should be a part of getting to know someone better.

Just off of the few stories you have shared about this guy he seems some what needy... I wouldn't say that is a bad thing, but I can see how it could cause problems too. I'm just thinking about the people I'm friends with on fb that share way to much and they are all complete drama queens.

What are your overall feelings on this guy at this stage?? Seems like you are curious to where it could go but not sure if he's right for you.

And to answer your question, I guess I don't deal with it at an early stage.

farmers_daughter

I was told that I need to allow myself to feel my emotions.....

And that crying in front of someone is ok.

I struggle with those..... but I'm getting through them.

I can say that I've felt that "internal fire" of feeling like you are being stood up/ignored/backburnered.....only to find out it was no big deal (to them), or an oops.....but then if you are like me you over analyze that....was it really or was that just a convenient excuse.... they should have done something different...
And now.....you're guarded is he really interested...or was he trying to let it go....
And the whole getting your hopes up and getting excited and then the bottom falling out of that.... that to me is something I hate about myself....I allow myself to feel that excitement...and think that yep, I've been let down sooo many times in the past, this might be different....GOD I WISH I COULD PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE AT THAT VERY MOMENT.
I truly think that feeling is something that I have raised the bar to high for guys.... I hope and ponder that they might actually do something like that (like drive over there) and then when it doesn't happen.... I'm absolutely devastated. Absolutely devastated.

I can't say I've successfully fixed that. I still do it, and I cuss myself afterwards. I sat for 3 hours in a Casey's parking lot a couple weekends ago over something similar....my friends were all telling me to leave, he was standing me up and he wasn't worth it....but I waited for him to get off work and then he did apologize repeatedly but not like I thought he should have or let me rephrase that, not like I WOULD have, I was in a hot car, wasted my gas, all to wait on him..... my "internal fire" burned the whole night and I still had a good time but I felt like I had been jaded some how.

The only advice I can give you is to take it take if for actual face value, and do your best to master your emotions, SEE THINGS AS THEY ARE.... BUT NOT WORSE THAN THEY ARE. Very hard to practice.
When you get to thinking "oh he might come over here" thoughts, run through and use your "overanalyzer" to tell yourself, no it's impractical, he's tired from a busy day at work, that's not how we normally do it...so why would this time be different....etc. Then when it does actually happen you are WOW'ed 100 times over.

I've said it before, if I can't be overly honest and say anything and everything that's on my mind. It won't work. Even the "overanalyzing" stuff. I put it out there and you can take it or leave it but it has to come out...or it will fester into something REALLLLY ugly.

I'd tell him. If he runs... over you being able to communicate with him, whether he wants to hear it or not.... then really is that what you want? To hold that stuff in? I can say from experience....please don't. It's ugly....:) But I find that I can't relate to some people very well on that stuff.

Good Luck Girlie! :flowerforyou:

Jennifer2387

I kind of suck .. I just bolt. lol. I think it is cute that he put that he was sad on facebook. I think you should be more open about your feelings. Sounds like he is a softie and would appreciate it. One thing I have NEVER understood about men is their ability to just fall asleep whenever. It would always make me so mad when my husband and i were fighting and I would be fuming and he would be snoring.

How did react to the eye thing, which sucks btw, after he woke up?

I tend to lean towards be open as much as possible. He seems like a great guy Janie!

JanieJack

I'd tell him. If he runs... over you being able to communicate with him, whether he wants to hear it or not.... then really is that what you want? To hold that stuff in? I can say from experience....please don't. It's ugly....:)

I guess the problem is my mind DOES go a mile a minute and sometimes I get angry over dumb stuff (that I realize later was dumb) or hope something will happen that is unrealistic to expect (like him driving out here).

So, while I'm normally very expressive person when it comes to anger or disappointment in someone close to me, I try to hold it in until I can process the feeling and figure out exactly why I was upset.

For example, the other night when I didn't hear from him, at first I was upset at HIM and when I took more time to process it I realized I was really upset about my JOB giving me a shot that messed up my eye. My upsetness at HIM was still there, sure, but it was miniscule. Had I called him that night and griped at him, he would have received the full force of my anger toward my JOB. I would have totally ripped him a new one . He deserves a little irritation over not responding, but NOT full anger really intended for someone/thing else.

Does that make sense?

(oh, and for what it's worth, I saw the eye doc today and she said it's getting better).

He's given me no indication that he was trying to back away (though, considering what Poncho said, if he hadn't then introduced me to his parents and made plans to see me this weekend I would probably wonder).

farmers_daughter

Oh Janie....that sounds like my mind.... a mile isn't even close...I measure mine in hamsters....the hamster keeps running and won't quit..... he just won't! :explode:

Yes, it sounds like you have a grip on your emotions that tend to start burning.... I hope I didn't come across otherwise

Unless absolutely necessary(yes there are times) I'd wouldn't blow up at somebody. If it makes me mad and I take time to think about why it made me mad, what are the consequences if I tell them about what just happened and how it will affect the other person....sometimes things get changed when they come out.... if I'm mad now, I might let it come out in a casual non confrontational conversation later. But it does get said, unless it was a stupid thought or I truly got embarassed instead of mad...something like that, then I pull up my big girl panties and get over it.

I guess after being told it's ok to feel your emotions...I really have seen it as an equal opportunity...why can't a guy express his feelings, just the same as a girl? Why must the guy always be the strong one. Ok, I tend to like mine a little strong.... but if they wanna cry behind closed doors with me, I'm totally ok with that. I just havent figured out why I haven't given myself that same priveledge. :huh:

Yay good deal about your eye gettin better! That would scare the ****ens outta me....

If he can't like you though the Good, the Bad and the Ugly...... then I'd have problems with that. I would classify your eye thing as barely bad. So no worries!

TheKitsune6

What happened, happened. It was a matter of miscommunication, and it's something that will happen again. Accept that it wasn't intentional on either end and move forward. Forgive and forget.

Unless you or he does something intentional to hurt the other, there's no reason to feel negatively. While I understand how you must have felt waiting for him to get back to you to watch the shows together (been there, done that), at the same time it would make me feel better instantly that it was just an accident and he was tired (the poor dear). Maybe even a little silly about some of the crazy ideas that ran through my head instead of just assuming that it's a simple matter of passing out.

TheKitsune6

It would always make me so mad when my husband and i were fighting and I would be fuming and he would be snoring.

I am the same way as your husband. Emotional exertion and drama make me sleepy. I sleep on it and then try to process it the next day when I can.

So, while I'm normally very expressive person when it comes to anger or disappointment in someone close to me, I try to hold it in until I can process the feeling and figure out exactly why I was upset.

For example, the other night when I didn't hear from him, at first I was upset at HIM and when I took more time to process it I realized I was really upset about my JOB giving me a shot that messed up my eye. My upsetness at HIM was still there, sure, but it was miniscule. Had I called him that night and griped at him, he would have received the full force of my anger toward my JOB. I would have totally ripped him a new one . He deserves a little irritation over not responding, but NOT full anger really intended for someone/thing else.

Smartsmartsmartsmartsmartsmart I can't emphasize enough. You're awesome.

I try and share my feelings, but I always try and digest them first to realize what I'm feeling and why. I think it's the difference between a rational discussion that has a solution and harmony and just blowing up and tears and yelling and apologizing later after causing what could be a permanent tear in the relationship.

LALOCHA34

Hi, I am fairly new to this group and I have been checking in on you all now and then.

I think if this is the worst of your problems you are sitting pretty. Don't over think things. Just go with it. Yes you have to communicate a little bit now and again. I understand the the 'injury' is the reason you probably expected a little more from him but as TheKitsune6 said, men will fall asleep without even realizing it. If he is sensitive enough to post on FB that he is feeling that way I have no doubt in my mind that he doesn't (or wouldn't) feel bad about leaving you hanging.

Good luck! I hope your vision recovers nicely or as best as possible.

Oh and thank you for serving. :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

For example, the other night when I didn't hear from him, at first I was upset at HIM and when I took more time to process it I realized I was really upset about my JOB giving me a shot that messed up my eye. My upsetness at HIM was still there, sure, but it was miniscule. Had I called him that night and griped at him, he would have received the full force of my anger toward my JOB. I would have totally ripped him a new one . He deserves a little irritation over not responding, but NOT full anger really intended for someone/thing else.

Does that make sense?

Yes, you're very wise :flowerforyou:

I'm usually wearing my heart on my sleeve and prone to overreact! :noway: By taking a step back you've gathered your thoughts and you're in a more rational position.

I do think communication is the biggest deal within a relationship. And I would much rather be with someone who expresses themselves, than not. But not all people are like me or can deal with my emotions :bigsmile:

I think you and BB are getting to know each other and each situation will lend itself to how your react the next time. There are no set rules, and if you feel like blowing up next time, then go for it. I do believe that suppressing emotion leads to bitterness and resentment, so I would much rather overreact than under react!! But hey, we are all different and the dynamic of your relationship with BB will dictate how you handle things between you in the future.

Good stuff!! :bigsmile:

pa_jorg

I think a lot of the disappointment in the early stages is simply a lack of communication, usually resulting from the fact that you don't know each others habits, etc. yet.

Last week when I found out that one of my deployment shots (anthrax vaccine) had ruined vision in my left eye permanently.

Janie, I'm really sorry to hear this :flowerforyou:

christine24t

What happened, happened. It was a matter of miscommunication, and it's something that will happen again. Accept that it wasn't intentional on either end and move forward. Forgive and forget.

Unless you or he does something intentional to hurt the other, there's no reason to feel negatively. While I understand how you must have felt waiting for him to get back to you to watch the shows together (been there, done that), at the same time it would make me feel better instantly that it was just an accident and he was tired (the poor dear). Maybe even a little silly about some of the crazy ideas that ran through my head instead of just assuming that it's a simple matter of passing out.

This is exactly it. Sometimes you just have so say what you feel rather than wait. If he didn't come after an hour, I would have sent a text saying, "hey is everything okay? you were supposed to be here an hour ago" rather than wait until bedtime. Rather than having your mind jump all over, it'll help settle your mind somewhat.

JanieJack

Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement. I went to the eye doc today and got my new prescription. Most people experience no real issues with these vaccinations we have to get, but due to my problems I’ve heard quite a few horror stories that make me thankful this is all I have to deal with!

I think if this is the worst of your problems you are sitting pretty.

Yeah! He’s a great guy so far. And we fit pretty well physically and intellectually.

So, while I'm normally very expressive person when it comes to anger or disappointment in someone close to me, I try to hold it in until I can process the feeling and figure out exactly why I was upset.

For example, the other night when I didn't hear from him, at first I was upset at HIM and when I took more time to process it I realized I was really upset about my JOB giving me a shot that messed up my eye. My upsetness at HIM was still there, sure, but it was miniscule. Had I called him that night and griped at him, he would have received the full force of my anger toward my JOB. I would have totally ripped him a new one . He deserves a little irritation over not responding, but NOT full anger really intended for someone/thing else.

Smartsmartsmartsmartsmartsmart I can't emphasize enough. You're awesome.

Thanks for this too. Considering what a few folks said about big ticket items too soon in the relationship pushing them away, I might not address this right away… just wait until the next opportunity.