Ladies: Define "Player" please.
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Within this non-monogamous society that you think we have, the 'non monogamees' still gravitate toward another 'relationship'. Very, very few people, in terms of world copulating population, actually want to be jumping from bed to bed! Even you would tire of the 'work' and detachment involved........:laugh:
I see both sides of this argument. I agree with the quote above, as well.
How we're wired? I think so - even though the environmental pressures that evolved these predispositions over millions of years are not present any more, or at least to nowhere near the same degree.
Men's muscles are used mainly for display, not for fighting off predators, or for protecting a mate from a competitor (well, not to the degree that they were in the times they were evolved), or really, even work in the fields or other strenuous manual labor. Women's breasts, figures, symmetry, age (well, to a much lesser degree than in earlier times) are also "just for show" - with modern health technology, they don't significantly increase the odds of their being able to conceive, bear or nurture live offspring... but still, the predispositions to be attracted to these traits drive gender behaviors, as crazy as that is in this modern era... Along with the evolved behaviors of male vs female predispositions on monogamy, playa.
Even Anna's statement about eventual stabilization, after a period of "non-monogamee-hood" - which is what Flim is mentioning, (and also what I suppose is Flim's theory about a "shelf-life" of a "stable" relationship which Anna cited) I believe are driven by these hard-wired (and perhaps biologically obsolete) behaviors.
These drives seem to be vestiges of our ancient past... but they're sooo much fun!
You guys are really interesting. And yes, Anna, I analyze stuff to death. We nerds do that for fun (and then use what we find to start a Facebook or Google etc :-) lol ).0 -
Of course women want sex too. Of course men see this. Men and women tend to want different things from sex, and again, though it's not romantic, it's biology. Men are usually more overt about it, and women more subtle...
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I reiterate my thought - as unpopular as it might be - that when one is in the "subjective experience" of a relationship, (AKA "how most people are in life") all of this stuff is usually not in the forefront of one's mind - myself included. However, much of people's behavior is clearly explained by some of the stuff I've mentioned - even though it's not poetic, or romantic.
I don't agree that men and women want different things from sex. Stereotype does not equal norm. In my experience, men are every bit as romantic as women and often more so. Of course many are not. I'm not interested in numbers, maybe I filter out those who fit the stereotype. The point is that men over a certain age (and often under it too!) who want to find one woman to love are the norm for many women out there and they are not hard to find.
I'm with you on behaviour being driven by subjective experience and I'd add values and beliefs to that too. Relationships are about communication and this is why they work best with someone who knows themselves well and has the confidence/courage to be completely honest. That way the subjective becomes the objective. I see players (male and female) and their victims as being at the opposite end of the continuum to those couples desribed above. They hide their motives (through deceit or ommission) to get what they want. Then there are the vast majority of people who are less aware of what drives their behaviour so they can't be honest about it and relationships sometimes work but sometimes become compromised by conflicting but largely unarticulated needs.
Edited to add: re-reading some of the comments - notwithstanding the above I agree that the gender stereotype regarding willingness to engage in casual sex fits with reality for many people. I think the causes are more cultural than biological.0 -
If I am intimately involved with a guy, then I should be the only one.
Doesn't mean we need to be girlfriend and boyfriend, go out all the time, see each other and talk every damn day, but definitely not trying to share love juices.
Just saying.
If a man needs more than one lady, then he's playing a game....
I hate how people have expectations but never communicate. If both people didn’t talk about being exclusive, neither have a leg to stand on if the other person wasn’t exclusive. If one person ASSUMED it, that was their dumb mistake. Even if it’s not for emotional reasons, if you want to be exclusive for safe sex reasons, you should bring it up with your partner so there is a clear open dialog and both people come to an agreement. So many of the relational problems we have with people would be eliminated if we stopped assuming and started communicating.0 -
If I am intimately involved with a guy, then I should be the only one.
Doesn't mean we need to be girlfriend and boyfriend, go out all the time, see each other and talk every damn day, but definitely not trying to share love juices.
Just saying.
If a man needs more than one lady, then he's playing a game....
Maybe he's looking for 'the one' and wants to use his time wisely by trying a bunch at once. . This allows him to compare and contrast more efficiently. He can then pick two or three, dump the rest and have a playoff. .0 -
If I am intimately involved with a guy, then I should be the only one.
Doesn't mean we need to be girlfriend and boyfriend, go out all the time, see each other and talk every damn day, but definitely not trying to share love juices.
Just saying.
If a man needs more than one lady, then he's playing a game....
Maybe he's looking for 'the one' and wants to use his time wisely by trying a bunch at once. . This allows him to compare and contrast more efficiently. He can then pick two or three, dump the rest and have a playoff. .
Lol, playoff?
Plaaayyaaaaaaaaaaa0 -
Maybe he's looking for 'the one' and wants to use his time wisely by trying a bunch at once. . This allows him to compare and contrast more efficiently. He can then pick two or three, dump the rest and have a playoff. .
Sooooo..... wait.... on my thread you blast me for going out with other guys when the man I was seeing had not yet made me his girlfriend.... but it's ok for the guys to play this game. Yeah, that happens a lot with the guys around here.0
