Why is it so hard?
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UsedToBeHusky
Posts: 15,227 Member
The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
Why?
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Replies
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I wish I knew. The last guy I dated ended over 4 years ago and havent ventured back into the dating scene since then. It took me months to get over him, but he really messed me up mentally0
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Seeing your post reminded me of this I saw a while ago
I think it comes from investing so much time. Emotionally and physically. It took me years to get over my ex. I don't harbor ill feelings towards her anymore but I did in the past. We actually remain friends to this day. She's really happy for my weight loss change and has even hinted of "old feelings" for me. I shut her down completely. I can be her friend but that's it. I can't trust her with my
anymore. Has it messed me up? Sure, in some ways, but I don't blame her for it. She wasn't the one forcing me to eat junk all the time or sit on my *kitten* and play computer games all day. 0 -
I really think it's like a reverse psychology thing. I think we psych ourselves up for these types of 'relationships' more than we do for the tangible ones.
We're complex creatures...0 -
A case of wanting what you can't have? For some reason, the dream is better than reality!! You will get over it when you meet someone who can define your dreams 'with' you! :flowerforyou:0
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Seeing your post reminded me of this I saw a while ago
I think it comes from investing so much time. Emotionally and physically. It took me years to get over my ex. I don't harbor ill feelings towards her anymore but I did in the past. We actually remain friends to this day. She's really happy for my weight loss change and has even hinted of "old feelings" for me. I shut her down completely. I can be her friend but that's it. I can't trust her with my anymore. Has it messed me up? Sure, in some ways, but I don't blame her for it. She wasn't the one forcing me to eat junk all the time or sit on my *kitten* and play computer games all day.
Love this^^
And yes, I think we need to learn to proportion blame and take responsibility for our own failings.
You're a cool guy Lacroyx :flowerforyou:0 -
In every relationship, you hit a wall at some point. Boredom, routine. You've seen them too much, know them too well, keep finding flaws in them, hating their little habits which you used to not notice, etc.The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
These are the relationships you "have".
In those relationships you never had, you never hit that wall so it feels like the other person is amazing and perfect, but the truth is that their *kitten* stinks as much as everyone else's (maybe more! - but you just don't know it).
Given sufficient time, you'd have been bored of them in a similar fashion. They are just failed relationship that never reached the point of failure.0 -
In every relationship, you hit a wall at some point. Boredom, routine. You've seen them too much, know them too well, keep finding flaws in them, hating their little habits which you used to not notice, etc.The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
These are the relationships you "have".
In those relationships you never had, you never hit that wall so it feels like the other person is amazing and perfect, but the truth is that their *kitten* stinks as much as everyone else's (maybe more! - but you just don't know it).
Given sufficient time, you'd have been bored of them in a similar fashion. They are just failed relationship that never reached the point of failure.
Wow, hadn't thought of this before, but it is so true!0 -
I agree with flim...
I was seeing this guy at the beginning of summer. We lived in separate towns, so I filled in the gaps, I guess, with my dreams. I thought he was amazing. He was tall, sexy, goodlooking, a great kisser, had these strong arms that felt so good when he wrapped them around me. I was totally infatuated with him. And when I got sick and his grandma got sick and put in the hospital, things just kind of faded... I was sad for a while...
But the way I handle that? find someone else to talk to...
And then I started talking to another guy, and after talking to him, guy #1 didn't seem so great anymore. lol I thought, "wow... now I am glad that didn't go further" ... and I built up guy #2 in my head... so, when he disappeared on me, I was yet sad again... but with the help of attention from other men, I am quickly forgetting him and moving on...
Just remember, like flim said, no one is perfect... and the guy you wish you had... just look at him like this: there's probably a good reason you didn't end up with him, and you never know... he could be a total psycho path or something...
I just find someone else to flirt with or talk to... that always helps me get over things a bit easier...0 -
^Exactly what I was thinking. Thanks for saving me the trouble of putting into decent sentences - Just woke up a while ago and I'm still on my first cup of coffee.A case of wanting what you can't have? For some reason, the dream is better than reality!! You will get over it when you meet someone who can define your dreams 'with' you! :flowerforyou:
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In every relationship, you hit a wall at some point. Boredom, routine. You've seen them too much, know them too well, keep finding flaws in them, hating their little habits which you used to not notice, etc.The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
These are the relationships you "have".
In those relationships you never had, you never hit that wall so it feels like the other person is amazing and perfect, but the truth is that their *kitten* stinks as much as everyone else's (maybe more! - but you just don't know it).
Given sufficient time, you'd have been bored of them in a similar fashion. They are just failed relationship that never reached the point of failure.
Very well put.0 -
A case of wanting what you can't have? For some reason, the dream is better than reality!! You will get over it when you meet someone who can define your dreams 'with' you! :flowerforyou:
I agree with this! Lovely thought.0 -
In every relationship, you hit a wall at some point. Boredom, routine. You've seen them too much, know them too well, keep finding flaws in them, hating their little habits which you used to not notice, etc.The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
These are the relationships you "have".
In those relationships you never had, you never hit that wall so it feels like the other person is amazing and perfect, but the truth is that their *kitten* stinks as much as everyone else's (maybe more! - but you just don't know it).
Given sufficient time, you'd have been bored of them in a similar fashion. They are just failed relationship that never reached the point of failure.
So if the relationships of the past were *kitten*....and the ones u want in the future are *kitten*....then what the hell are we doing?0 -
You try to find a relationship where the point of failure is in 40-50 years from now because at this stage it won't matter much. You will have lost your sexual drive and (probably) the will to live.So if the relationships of the past were *kitten*....and the ones u want in the future are *kitten*....then what the hell are we doing?
Or you just find an "OK guy" (ok!), wait until you get used to your partner so much that changing to someone else becomes too much of an effort since you would have to train another man (from scratch!) and let's face it you can't spend your entire life to do this. So you decide that you're done and stay with the current one - better than nothing I guess.
Or you change partners regularly, every 5-10 years, until you feel that you won't be able to do that for much longer so then you decide to settle down and convince a younger, healthier partner that he/she is the one.0 -
I don't know why it is hard but it is... I'm still trying to find someone to make me feel the way I did about my x. I don't know if that will ever happen. He has moved on but sometimes I wonder if he's really happy under it all. Guess I will never know...0
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The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
Husky, you always ask the best questions! :laugh:
I think the clue is in the question. What attracts you and keeps you in relationships with people you can't have?
It may be way off base, but I'll share with you some of what others have said.
Often its to do with our expectations of others and how they will react to us. It's also to do with how we feel about ourselves.
Sometimes it turns out that although we may want a relationship in which someone is emotionally available to us, it feels scary to be that vulnerable to someone. Sometimes being with someone more with-holding of themselves feels safer because that's what we are used to. But then we try and win them over because we want to be loved. For the well defended, with-holding person their ability to love is compromised by their need to keep themselves safe in the way they know how. The lack of trust that draws the couple together eventually pulls them apart, unless they are prepared to continue to live with a bad relationship.
Why are these relationships so hard to get over? They offer the promise of the missing bit of the jigsaw that makes us feel whole. But it's an illusion. No-one can do that for us, we have that ability within ourselves. :flowerforyou:0 -
The ones that have been the hardest for me to get over were the ones I never really had.
Why?
I can only answer for myself but the reason for me is because I am emotionally not ready to commit. I tell myself I am. I mean I am 29 years old, never been married and never had kids.Technically speaking "it is time" to start settling down. But by latching on to something I can't ever have subconsciously protects me from something I am really not ready for. I ***** and complain about not being able to find some sweet guy who is like me (never been married, no kids) and when I find him what do I do? I convince myself that we have nothing in common and rather go for the jerk who tells me from the get go that he doesn't want anything serious. WHY??? because that way I don't ever have to commit :noway:0
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