What to say?

FitMama2013

I'm looking for a bit of advice and am hoping y'all might be able to help. One of my good friends told me yesterday that she and her husband conceived their first baby around the same time we did, but they lost their baby at week 13. It's been about 3 months since they lost their baby, and I'm glad she felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it. My heart is literally breaking for them, though, and I can't help but wish I had known so I could have supported her, and i wouldn't have talked about our baby so much. But, maybe she just wanted me to be normal and that's why she didn't tell me until now.

I didn't have the words yesterday when she told me - I just listened, asked a few questions, and reassured her I am here for her to talk I'd she ever needs to. I want to send a card, but am not sure if A) it is appropriate and what exactly I would say. I wanted it to be her for and her husband, since he obviously wasn't around when we were talking. If you have ever lost a baby before, is there anything anyone said which really comforted you? Or is there anything someone said which you wish they hadn't? With such a sensitive subject, I just want to be careful. I just want them to know I'm here for them and am praying for them.

Any advice is appreciated!

cmaxmor

I would just follow her lead. If she wants to talk about it, she will. Sending a card or treating her "different" would just foccus on something she doesn't want to focus on. If your baby talk had bothered her before now, she would have said something.

chickybuns

I agree, I would follow her lead, she wasn't ready to talk about it until now, and maybe she doesn't want to publicly think about it anymore.

blink1021

I myself have never lost a baby, but back when I was pregnant with my first child a friend of mine and I were pregnant and due almost exactly the same day her due date was 2 days before mine. We even went to the same practice we just saw different doctors. We happened to have had our 12 week appt on the same day. As she was leaving her appt I was waiting in the waiting room. I saw her come out and she was hysterical and I knew something was wrong. Her mother asked that I just leave her alone. A few days after her appt I contacted her and found out that the baby had died and she was waiting to have the baby removed. She couldn't even talk to me. Needless to say this is extreme since I was there when it happened, but she never spoke to me again after that and after a few attempts I left it alone. Eight years later we still haven't spoken. So my advice is to take her lead on this one. I do not think she wants you to feel sorry for her and I think if it truly bothered her when you talk baby stuff she would have said something or removed herself from the conversation. She just wanted you to listen as her friend. Hopefully sometime soon you will be helping her get ready for baby. Being around you could be a kind of therapy for her.

mrs_dwr

I agree with the others about following her lead. With our first child, we told our best friends around 9 weeks and they were happy for us. Fast-forward a month: she told me she had been pregnant (due dates were within a couple days) and had just miscarried a few days after we told them about our pregnancy. During that month where I didn't know she was pregnant/miscarrying, she wasn't angry when I would talk about baby stuff, and wasn't angry afterward, though I did try to scale it back a bit. Just try to be sensitive but don't overthink it. :flowerforyou:

mellynat

I had a close person to me miscarry when I was pregnant w my 2nd. She didn't talk about it & I didn't want to pry. But one day she opened up & started crying & told me when u misscaryy u don't want to hear it was for the best. Or it was meant to be. She lost her child. It didn't make a difference to her that it was only 11 weeks into her pregnancy. U wouldn't tell someone who lost their child at 11 months old or any age it was for the best. It happened for a reason. so I've learned to only say am sorry & hug that person as long as they need to be hugged & don't remind them or talk about it. Unless they bring it up. Sending a card would only be another reminderer. She wouldnt want to keep that card around.

FitMama2013

Thank you all for the advice - she mentioned that everyone she has told keeps ignoring their loss and its like an elephant in the room, so I guess I was hoping to accomplish with my written words what I couldn't with my spoken ones yesterday. Just wanted her to know I'm praying for them and am here for her if she wants to talk. Perhaps a better approach would be to check in with her and make extra effort to see her whenever I can. Thank you all for your honesty - I'm glad I asked because I want to do what's best for her!

RBXChas

Thank you all for the advice - she mentioned that everyone she has told keeps ignoring their loss and its like an elephant in the room, so I guess I was hoping to accomplish with my written words what I couldn't with my spoken ones yesterday. Just wanted her to know I'm praying for them and am here for her if she wants to talk. Perhaps a better approach would be to check in with her and make extra effort to see her whenever I can. Thank you all for your honesty - I'm glad I asked because I want to do what's best for her!

I agree with all that's been said, but as you suggested, I would check in with her, just to say hi. She probably feels a bit shunned because nobody wants to talk about it, so people avoid her completely. Touching base with her doesn't mean you have to talk about it, but at least let her know you're not avoiding her and are her friend no matter what. If she wants to talk about it, then let her. If not, so be it. Right now she probably wants to know she is loved and supported, even if not expressly with regard to her loss.

The fact that you are on here asking means you are a LOT more sensitive about her needs than most people. I doubt you'll do something uncouth or put your foot in your mouth. I cringe when I read the insensitive comments people hear sometimes about miscarriages.