BAH HUMBUG!! 86 days until another reminder of being alone

NCTravellingGirl

This is going to sound pathetic and whiny, but I just had to share because it made me laugh after the fact...

Tonight I talked to my mom and asked her to start talking to my sister and nieces about what they want for Christmas. It normally takes me months to get an answer so I start asking earlier every year. She shared that she was planning to spend less on Christmas this year, but I should be thinking about what I want. I decided it was time to have an honest conversation with my mom that I felt like she's gone overboard buying for my sister and I, so maybe we should all just do something together instead of spending lots on gifts.... and then she said it....

"You have no one to ever buy you anything so I feel OBLIGATED to continue to do so." Oh My God... she did not just say that! OBLIGATED?! It stung...especially since I was the one saying let's not do gifts. I moved on and transitioned the talk to the idea of doing something together. She agreed so now we will not do gifts, and I'm trying to forget yet another dig about being single.

But now I'm thinking... CRAP, no one will buy me ANYTHING this year!!! :laugh: :laugh:

Just wondering what anyone still does with their families, especially those who've never been married or don't have kids....what do you do for the holidays?

disneywm76

It is not pathetic and whiney. But obligated? Wow....that would hit me hard too. I just try to do nice things for myself since I don't have anybody to do them for me.

pudadough

I hate the holidays. I don't get along with my siblings and so family get-togethers are usually strained and/or depressing, if they happen at all.

We don't do gifts anymore, which I actually prefer, so I don't have to worry about anyone feeling obligated.

I do start to feel especially lonely around Thanksgiving and Christmas time. I feel like if I had a significant other, I could spend those days with them or their family and not have to worry about the stress of dealing with mine or the loneliness of having nowhere to go.

Ah, to be one of those folks complaining about putting together toys on Christmas Eve...

SouthernSweetie74

well, if it helps...

I know I have kids, but no one ever buys for me either (I usually can only afford to buy for the kids not give them money to buy for me... lol) ... the kids get all the gifts...

It's not about presents to me anyway...

I like the time together.

In the past, I've done all homemade gifts for others. I've also hosted a "Dirty Santa" party with my family members... that was fun... we didn't spend too much, but we had fun playing the game...

I'm a hostess. I love to decorate for Christmas and cook and bake and cook and bake and get creative and decorate... I become a semi-Betty Crocker around the holidays.

Carl01

For more reasons then I care to list I dislike the holidays.
It has nothing to do with the religious aspect of Christmas but Valentines I shrug off whereas Christmas does very completely let one know that they are alone in the world.

HellsKells

My dad and his wife decided about 8 or 9 years ago that we weren't going to do presents, because they didn't want to spend the money. So...we haven't done any on my dad's side in quite some time. I'll be honest....I hate it. I like buying gifts for people, even if they're tough to buy for, and I like getting gifts too.

I know Christmas isn't supposed to be about the gifts and about spending time with the ones you love, etc...but...well....like one of the posters above, family gatherings aren't all sunshine and rainbows in my family, and I get tired of faking nice.

With my mom, ever since she split with my dad, she's been too broke to really do anything, so not much going on there either. I miss out on all the joy of shopping for the holidays, bar buying a gift for my niece and nephew, because everyone around me is too cheap and/or broke to do it! I tried one year just buying presents for people anyway and everyone got mad at me because they felt like they had to reciprocate (even when I emphatically told them that I did not expect that). It sucks.

And then add to that the fact that there's no "other family" to go do stuff with and yeah...Christmas blows. :ohwell:

pa_jorg

I can sort of relate to your story NC. A few years ago, my brother made a big deal about spending less on gifts. His suggestion was that we only buy presents for the children in the family... well, guess who has the kids in the family? Him. So his point was basically that the rest of us should all buy the children presents and get nothing in return. I considered it a small slight, but personally didn't care enough to say anything. My mother, however, called him out on asking all of his siblings (3 of which are single - including me) to buy his kids gifts and get nothing in return. I think to her, that was the obligation - to at least stand up for us - that your mother also feels.

Carl01

I suppose I should add a little context to what I said.

Growing up here on the farm as it was meant no money for extravagance but the folks did very well despite that.
As time and age wore on the knowledge of that made for a very uncomfortable,guilty feeling on Christmas morning.
I grew to hate it and was very happy to stop with all of the traditions 25 or so years ago.

Despite that it is also very clear and undeniable that one misses a "joy" people have when they can happily share the day.

christine24t

Ouch, that would not make me feel good NC. I get that she wants to buy you gifts since you're single and you don't have kids or a husband or in-laws to receive presents from, but I don't think she should've said "obligated."

On my one family's side, we don't do gifts anymore and honestly it's cool. I'd rather not get anything than something I don't like and have to say "Oh thanks! I love it!" when I don't.

I still live at home with the parents, and as long as they live around here I will spend holidays with them. I don't anticipate coupling up with anyone for quite a few years so I'll be with them!

TheKitsune6

I adore the holidays. I love buying presents for my friends and family, and I am good at it. I spend sooo much time searching around for exactly the perfect thing to get someone. I don't have the easiest time expressing my emotions so I always go for something that shares what they would treasure with a little "me" twist that shows I was being thoughtful. I get time off work to relax (all my shopping is online so I even avoid that mess!), and I get to cook and spend time with the people that I cherish most in this world. On Thanksgiving I usually stay in Cali, but on Christmas I take at least two weeks off work to visit my mother, father, sister and two best friends that all migrated around the time I turned eighteen. I miss them dearly so when I get to see them the last thing I'm going to gripe about is a little bit more traffic than usual. Not to mention, if I'm lucky, it SNOWS while I'm out there! Snow is so awesome and fun! I like running in it, I get to play with my moms dogs and roll around while everyone looks at me and tells me what a California brat I am! I have already bought my tickets to visit this year and I am stoked.

Sure there's time where we fight and it gets a little stressful, I'm not going to pretend we don't have our issues too... but I have been so blessed with my family and finding lifelong friends that have been dear to me since pre-teen years. A mom that nurtured my love for animals, that sacrificed so much of her life to make sure Elena and I got the best parenting she could possibly give (even if it wasn't always perfect, I've forgiven her for our fall out) and my dad who is the bestest daddy in the world that I use to measure any man I consider dating, my amazing sister and best friend who is so different from me, but one of the most unique and creative individuals I have ever met in my life!

Augh, I'm just excited!

The last time I felt lonely on the holidays was when I was supposed to spend it with my (now)ex so I didn't prepare to go to my folks, but then he broke up with me on the 11th of December. I called one of my friends crying on Christmas eve... and he came over and we drank and watched movies, then the next day he dragged me off to his family's Christmas and made sure I wasn't alone. It was still pretty great and it reminded me that no matter if I'm single, married, seeing a booty call, divorced or in a long term relationship, I am not alone. I will never be alone. So it's hard to get down too much when I have so much to be grateful for, and so much that I refuse to take for granted.

meshashesha2012

if you're able to do so maybe you could plan a fun week long vacation out of town during that week? that way noone would be "obligated" (what a horrible thing to say!) to buy you anything since you wont be in town to accept it anyway

Prahasaurus

well, if it helps...

I know I have kids, but no one ever buys for me either (I usually can only afford to buy for the kids not give them money to buy for me... lol) ... the kids get all the gifts...

It's not about presents to me anyway...

I like the time together.

In the past, I've done all homemade gifts for others. I've also hosted a "Dirty Santa" party with my family members... that was fun... we didn't spend too much, but we had fun playing the game...

I'm a hostess. I love to decorate for Christmas and cook and bake and cook and bake and get creative and decorate... I become a semi-Betty Crocker around the holidays.

That's why it's obvious you have a very kind heart, and put others first. Isn't that exactly the spirit of Christmas?

--P

kerrymh

This is going to sound pathetic and whiny, but I just had to share because it made me laugh after the fact...

Tonight I talked to my mom and asked her to start talking to my sister and nieces about what they want for Christmas. It normally takes me months to get an answer so I start asking earlier every year. She shared that she was planning to spend less on Christmas this year, but I should be thinking about what I want. I decided it was time to have an honest conversation with my mom that I felt like she's gone overboard buying for my sister and I, so maybe we should all just do something together instead of spending lots on gifts.... and then she said it....

"You have no one to ever buy you anything so I feel OBLIGATED to continue to do so." Oh My God... she did not just say that! OBLIGATED?! It stung...especially since I was the one saying let's not do gifts. I moved on and transitioned the talk to the idea of doing something together. She agreed so now we will not do gifts, and I'm trying to forget yet another dig about being single.

But now I'm thinking... CRAP, no one will buy me ANYTHING this year!!! :laugh: :laugh:

Just wondering what anyone still does with their families, especially those who've never been married or don't have kids....what do you do for the holidays?

OMG seriously we are the same people lol.

I am actually contemplating not going home for Xmas this year just because of how work is happening. I will be 36 in Jan. I've never had a bf at XMas time, I've always been home for XMas and my parents are the ones that buy me my big gifts. I know if they stop..and they should be able to stop I won't really have much of anything..and my inner child gets sad at that thought. But the adult in my feels ashamed about this and knows I would rather have my own special someone to spoil and spoil me back alittle on days like this. I know my parents would like to go on a trip somewhere..all together as a family. I like this idea but with my job I just can't make that commitment due to vacation being difficult to get during the holidays.

I am going to try and make all of my gifts from this point on for my family..I like that idea..I know my family is crafty/creative and then its more about the love going into something rather than money..and that is more of the feeling of the season. But every year that I remain single...during special holidays that I used to love..they become more of a reminder that I'm missing out on having someone special in my life and that it reminds my parents that I'm alone too.

AnnaPixie

"Obligation: An act or course of action to which a person is morally or legally bound; a duty or commitment."

You know what NC. Sometimes people use words that arent meant to be taken literally or aren't meant to strike as hard as they do. Although, I know we would all prefer to receive out of pure unconditional love, I think family do have a duty and commitment towards each other!!

My father has always lavished us with gifts at xmas. It's the one time of year that he ever gave a damn. I'd say he felt obliged too!! But hey, I dont have a problem with that. It makes me laugh too!! :laugh:

Since we lost my Mum 2 years ago, we dont have family xmas anymore :sad:

I didnt say that for pity, more a statement of fact. Enjoy what family/friends you have, for whatever reason, while they are around :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

"You have no one to ever buy you anything so I feel OBLIGATED to continue to do so."

In line with what AnnaPixel said...
Damn! You're such an unlucky person! Someone loves you enough to feel obligated to buy you gifts for Christmas to lift your spirit up...
Personally, I'm really broke so my budget is probably about £5-10 per person, I feel really ashamed at the moment of the gifts! :laugh:
But the best gift I make to my family is that I honour them of my presence for Christmas! (eh! that's better than nothing, plane tickets ain't cheap!)

Jennifer2387

It is a time of year to celebrate the birth of Christ .. you just need to shift your view on what is happening. I agree with Flam .. be thankful that you have reunited with your family .. that you have them to celebrate with and to love and that they love you so much they want to make sure you have gifts and have a happy Christmas. Some people don't even have that much.

That being said .. I do know the feeling of everyone being paired up and remembering my marriage and our Christmas' .. that he is now spending with someone else. So .. at least you don't have that awful image..lol.

It could be worse, it could be better .. but it is what you make of it. So don't look at it negatively, put a positive spin on it and enjoy it. That is all you can do. :flowerforyou:

MaraDiaz

Right there with you. In a way it was worse when I brought a long-time boyfriend to holiday dinners, though. Everyone liked him fine, but what do you do at picture time? Fairly sure my sister in law isn't thrilled that we have family photos with my now-ex in them. Awkward. No, really, that's a valid use of the word, it was indeed awkward.

dbrightwell1270

I have one brother who makes extremely good money. He has a wife who makes more than I do as well. I usually get him a $25 gift certificate and card. Then I get my nephew who is 1.5 (his son) a gift certificate for Babies R Us. I have a step brother who has a six-month-old and married a woman with two children under 6. He lost his job and is working about 80 hours a week doing minimum wage jobs. I'll buy the two older kids a toy, buy a few hundred dollars worth of diapers, baby food, etc and get them a gift card for Wal Mart for about $500 to help them get essentials.

The rest of the family gets a call saying I love them and miss them or I'll see them in person. This year Thanksgiving is in Houston with my mom and Christmas is in St Louis with dad. If I meet someone between now and then I'll adjust accordingly.

kristen6022

In my past experience when I had a boyfriend, the gifts weren't worth the hassle of the man. My birthday and Christmas are 22 days apart and I remember a couple years ago a boyfriend and I decided we had a $50 limit. He spent about $20 on a "Precious Moments" snow globe (trust me, I'm not the "Precious Moments" type") and I spent $50 on new clothes for him that he'd actually wear...worst gift ever...I took months to make sure I was getting the "right" thing and I'm thinking he took 10 minutes thinking about my gift...

I realize it's not about the gifts, but come on. We were dating for 2-3 months beforehand, he KNEW me.

I'm sorry your mom made you feel so horrible. Parents mean well, but don't exactly always say the right things.

Roadie2000

It's not all it's cracked up to be. Relationships over the holidays can get stressful. It's not always possible to see everyone's family, especially if either of the parents are divorced. I always stress out buying gifts too, there's always those times that they open them and they're like, "Oh, you got me a gym membership...how thoughtful." (Okay now I'm joking a little bit).

Mellie289

I hate shopping generally, and I hate Christmas shopping even more. I'm all for not exchanging gifts among the adults in our family but my brother is dead against it - he is single and has never been married. He insists on buying gifts. The only children in our family are my sister's and I enjoy Christmas through them, watching them open their presents... and put on some kind of show (as kids like to do).

My sister's family and my brother live a short drive from my parents. I have lived in another country for the last 16 years, so most of the time, I would need to fit gifts in a suitcase that's already full of winter clothes to brave the Canadian Christmas. That puts a limit on size and weight of gifts if I buy them in advance and it means there are no returns possible if someone doesn't like what they've got, so most of the time, I'm one of those people shopping on December 24th from the all the picked over shelves (yes, it's not just men in the mall at the last minute... but mostly :laugh: ). We've managed to at least suspend the adult gift exchange for birthdays - it's too hard to shop for each other, with different tastes and having homes that are already decorated and full that we don't need anything really.

I think my mother also feels some obligation to me because I live alone. Possibly even more so because I live so far away and spend so much money to fly back twice a year to spend time with the family, which is why I accepted my parents giving me money for a plane ticket last year right after I bought my townhouse and decided not to go out to visit that summer.

My mother's reasoning is she wants to spend money on us while she's still alive so she can see us enjoy it in some way - not to hoard it all so we get it when my parents are gone. NC, perhaps your mother feels the same way and wanted to see you enjoy her generosity now while she can and her choice of words (obligation) wasn't really intended as you took it - maybe more of an expression of a strong desire in her to try to make sure that you are happy and know that you are loved in the ways she knows how to express that?

Jennifer2387

Just reading all of this is stressing me out! lol

I don't know that I would bring anyone to Christmas that I wasn't married to anyway .. that seems weird to me. Maybe that is just me.

julesboots

Just reading all of this is stressing me out! lol

I don't know that I would bring anyone to Christmas that I wasn't married to anyway .. that seems weird to me. Maybe that is just me.

I agree, reading this thread is a little heartbreaking : (

I generally like the holidays because my daughter is 7, it's fun and about her, and there are a lot of good lessons to be taught that time of year. My best friend is single without kids, and I just want to squeeze her and not let go during all of December because her family sucks. So, my heart goes out to anyone in that situation.

My issue lately is the crazy guilt I I feel being around my brother and sister in law (both of whom I love lots). They've been married 3 years, and are so grossly in LOVE that they are in constant physical contact, whispering to each other, kissy faces, and it's just all too much. I am already dreading watching two very professional thirty somethings share a chair for hours on end in my parents' living room. I am so jealous.

NCTravellingGirl

Truly, this thread was never meant to be about gifts!! The gifts are never the important part! It's exactly why I wanted us to stop and instead spend time together. It shocked me to hear that it would be considered an obligation because I love giving to others during that time....and especially hearing that coming from my mother made it hard to take.

I LOVE shopping for Christmas because I SO look forward to that moment when someone is excited about the gift you chose. I spend HOURS finding the right gifts, not necessarily expensive gifts, because I want to show how I feel and know the person enough to understand what would make them happy. I make cookies for HOURS because it's how I show I care. I finally had to put in budget limits because I could spend all my time and money buying for others, but I know that's not what it's about, so the limit isn't about how much I have to give but about making sure I don't go overboard and forget the point. The holidays have special meaning for me because of my faith, so NONE of that is required or thought of as an obligation in my eyes. It's the time I most remember to be thankful and show appreciation.... so that's why that comment was hard to hear!

I really thank those who have shared how hard this approaching time of year can be. I've not really felt that part before but am starting to feel like I'm missing something or someone because I don't have a significant other. I think that's also why the comment was tough to take because it's about me being alone and my mother feeling like she's responsible to cover for the LACK of a SO. OUCH!

Year over year as I watch my nieces play I'm thankful I at least have my dog, haha....he really does love tearing through all the paper Christmas morning!!

jenbit

Well if it makes you feel better my ex-boyfriend never brought me presents for anything. I think last year was the first year I had gotten a present in forever. But I have kids so I get to have the fun of watching them open everything. Plus I love buying presents lol

LALOCHA34

She felt obligated? Oh wow. I am sure she didn't mean it as it sounded.

My family focuses on the kids mostly for Christmas (gifts). We are reminded almost monthly we are single (alone) it seems.

I usually dread my company Christmas party for this reason. Then I see numerous married couples fighting and I am happy that I have my friend as my date. I say buy yourself something nice, that is what I do. Hang in there!

pa_jorg

Truly, this thread was never meant to be about gifts!! The gifts are never the important part! It's exactly why I wanted us to stop and instead spend time together. It shocked me to hear that it would be considered an obligation because I love giving to others during that time....and especially hearing that coming from my mother made it hard to take.

NC, Some of us made reference to similar gift-giving issues, but I think most people here know what you're talking about. The holidays can be lonely and dreadful for singles. I guess I'm just not ready to think about the 2012 holidays quite yet...

pammbroo

I'm a very thoughtful gift giver as well and enjoy it thoroughly!

Many moons ago, when I was with my son's father, he would not accept my Xmas gifts. Wouldn't even unwrap them. Needless to say, he didn't give gifts, acknowledge Xmas, birthdays or other "special" occasions. Was always in a miserable, foul mood on those days if you saw him at all. When my son was very little, I went several Xmases with nothing under the tree for me, but plenty for everyone else. While it is definitely not about the gifts, that stings. Especially when your father is quick to say it out loud on Xmas morning, "Pam, why don't you have any presents under the tree?!" (sigh) In the years to follow (after leaving Mr. Wonderful), my sister started making sure there were some gifts under the tree for me. I think she always felt obligated as well. But it was a sweet sentiment, and I appreciated the thought (even though I did feel pathetic).

The whole situation made me hate the holidays for years. And that's not the person I am. These days we keep gift giving on a small scale and ALWAYS buy for less fortunate families in my area through our local high school. For me, that is what the joy of the season is all about.

Cameron_1969

Christmas. . .wow. . what a subject. .

I grew up LOVING christmas. To me, it was my family all sitting around the living room, with a fire in the fireplace (even if it was 80 degrees out) opening presents, then stockings, then eating a big ol' country breakfast. . .

Then I got married. . The nightmare began. . . My Mother in law is the most selfish and immature person I know when it comes to christmas. . Year after year, it was a war. If we do christmas morning with my parents, then she's crying about that. .If we do christmas eve with my parents, she's crying about that. . literally. . crying. . We'd show up and for christmas and she'd be in bed. . crying. . my wife had to go coax her down. . I could go on and on. . every year she ruined Christmas. . EVERY YEAR!. .

so then I had my son.. We switched to having christmas morning at OUR house. . Still, she found ways to ruin it. .

Finally, my poor family just gave up and moved Christmas to another day. .

So then my in-laws got divorced. . So now it's FOUR christmases and nobody is happy with their slice of time (except my kid who gets four christmases).

Then I got divorced. . I have no idea what this year is going to be like, but I think I'll just take my son and leave town. ..

Tropical_Turtle

this is a topic I was just talking about with a friend of mine. I am twisting my view on the holidays, especially Christmas. I know I am broke and can not afford a lot. Instead, I make gifts. I will make gift baskets with homemade jams, breads, whipped butters, and cookies. I create something for those I love, and personalize it to them. My gift to them is my time and thought.

As for the obligated part - OUCH! I would take issue with that too, but that is just me. It would for sure hurt my feelings.

But I am switching my views to look at Christmas through the eyes of a child. The simple joys, how their eyes light up when they see Santa, the beautiful lights. I am really trying to get out of the Bah Humbug spirit.

TheKitsune6

Thanks to this thread, I have had Christmas songs stuck in my head since last night. I love it!

Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and jing ting tingaling toooooooo