Just so you know...

SouthernSweetie74

After reading NC's post about "Is what you're doing really working?" I have to share this...

I've had profiles on various dating sites in the past, and in the past, I've always selected "looking for a relationship" and posted pics, etc. I've always had several views, but not quite as many messages.

I deleted my profiles in an effort to get "focused"... and because I got "into my feelings" as my students say.

Anyway, I created a new profile this time leaving out the "looking for a relationship" but stating in my profile, if it happens, it happens. I didn't even have a chance to put my picture up, and I started getting messages.

One of the men that messaged me looked very familiar. I looked at his profile. He had previously viewed me when I had a different profile. I sent him a message saying, "Thanks, but I don't think you're interested. You've viewed my profile before when I had pics up..." He requested a pic; I obliged. Then he sent me a message saying, "Oh, I remember you. I found you very attractive... (yes, I'm editing)... I didn't message you because I'm not actively seeking a relationship at this point and wanted to respect the fact that your profile said you were. But I am very interested."

Okay, so maybe we will meet for a drink soon. Who knows.

That's not my point.

My point is this... Don't get too terribly discouraged because you don't feel like you are getting enough messages or replies or whatever. It may have nothing to do with how attractive you are. It might be that there are people who find you very attractive but who are not in the "same place" that you are now.

One more thing... and I'll shut up and go to bed after this...

I had to have a talk with my 14 year old son tonight because his girlfriend broke up with him. "What's wrong with me?" he asked. "Nothing is wrong with you," I said. "It's probably more about her being a 14 year old girl than it is you." (I also informed him that he should quit looking at his gf's now as "forever" and realize that a month of "going out" in junior high is almost like an eternity)

So... bringing to the boards what I talked about with him...

With every situation that you are in, every problem that you face, every trial that comes your way... stop and reflect. Seriously. Yep. Think about what you did right in the situation. Then, think about what you did wrong. What could YOU have done to make it better or different? What choices did you make and how did they affect the outcome? How would you do it differently if you could do it over again?

I think this kind of self-reflecting is actually very healthy.

Realize your strengths and your weaknesses. Change what you can. Accept what you can't. And move forward.

Sometimes... it's not even about you.

Sometimes... it is.

But... get over yourself.

Okay, yes, there we have it. The Dr. Darla Show on MFP Single Peeps, and, yes, I'm in a facetious mood tonight.

*Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, a therapist, or an expert of any kind. I am simply a mom and a teacher who pays attention to human behavior... oh, and one who desperately needs sleep before delirium sets in.*

Okay, thank you. That is all.

TheKitsune6

Hear hear! *sips beer*

MikeM53082

Realize your strengths and your weaknesses. Change what you can. Accept what you can't. And move forward.

Best advice of the week so far.

As a man, I hate to admit that I've seen many episodes of Sex and the City. But an old girlfriend loved the show, so I use to watch it with her every so often (because I'm such a nice guy). Most of the episodes are ridiculous, but there are usually some good lessons to be learned and some catchy quotes in that show. My favorite being "The best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.". Very similar to what SouthernSweet is saying.

Meghan0116

This was incredible!

AnnaPixie

Very wise prose Mrs SS!!

I couldnt agree more that two people may not be in the same place. Relationships are all about timing, as are most things in life. I have so many stories about being in the right place at the right time..............

Anyway, I wont bore you...... :laugh:

Thanks for posting :flowerforyou:

Jennifer2387

I think people in general think it was something they did or didn't do. I know with my last "relationship" .. it was totally me. I don't think there was anything more he could have done .. I just wasn't there. And actually this relationship helped me deal with my break up with my husband .. it helped me understand a little more the things my ex was talking about. When you aren't in love with someone they way they love you .. you don't get it.

He said at one point he felt like a bad boyfriend, like he was no good at it. I think I could have told him that it was nothing he did or didn't do a billion times .. that it was totally me and he wouldn't believe me.

Whatever, bygones right. I hope your son gets over his heartbreak quickly!!!! Poor kid. I know that wasn't the point of your post .. but teenage heartbreak sucks.

NCTravellingGirl

I couldn't agree more with the idea of self-reflection. I do it in ALL areas of my life and it's what has made me successful over all. In order to "Never Stop Improving" (Sorry, had to do it as a Lowe's employee, haha), you must be honest with yourself, comfortable utilizing your strengths, but always working to minimize/ improve your weaknesses. At my old job, they called it a Continuous Learner... I'm a believer!

I say all that because it really does start with being honest with yourself!! If you really AREN'T looking for a relationship, then putting that because it sounds better or you kinda want one only definitely would start eliminating part of your options. On the other hand, not putting it when you really DO want one, means you're likely to get involved with someone with unrealistic expectations. When I read someone's profile who says, "great if it happens, fine if it doesn't".... I see that as someone who doesn't KNOW what they want or is just testing the waters but not really into it and never message them. That's just ME though knowing what I want!

I do want a relationship so that's what I put. I DON'T however, do online dating expecting that every date or interaction is about a relationship. I'm learning to date, is how I see it, since I lagged behind in that area. Sometimes it's a win, sometimes it's a fail (ok a lesson learned, haha...), but it's all progress and that's OK! Have fun, Darla!

pammbroo

You rock girl! Excellent thoughts and big mommy points for the advice to your son! :drinker:

JanieJack

Realize your strengths and your weaknesses. Change what you can. Accept what you can't. And move forward.

Best advice of the week so far.

I agree!

"The best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got."

That's awesome!

SouthernSweetie74

I do want a relationship so that's what I put. I DON'T however, do online dating expecting that every date or interaction is about a relationship. I'm learning to date, is how I see it, since I lagged behind in that area. Sometimes it's a win, sometimes it's a fail (ok a lesson learned, haha...), but it's all progress and that's OK! Have fun, Darla!

A relationship is what I want sometime when I meet the right person... but I was limiting myself and my matches because I have high expectations. I was basically setting myself up for failure. (That was me, though... )

I truly needed to step back and take a breather.

and just have some fun

And it has been fun. I've got out with men that before I would have never even considered. I've gotten the attention I crave and laughed a lot. I guess I was able to let my guard down a little bit by taking off all of the expectations.

And you know what... I've met someone whom I would have never met otherwise... it's too early to tell, yet, but I think we like each other...lol... I'll keep you posted

Oh, as far as my son goes, he's already got two or three more girls interested! LOL JUNIOR HIGH!!! He said he asked the first girl why she broke up with him, and her response was, "I just wasn't happy anymore." He said, "Mama, you were right. It had nothing to do with me. That makes me feel better, " as he went back to texting new girl.

Oh, yeah, I'm one of those moms who talks to her kids about everything even their first kisses! (I'd rather him be open and honest with me than not. He likes it that way. He said, "Mama, some of my friends are too scared to talk to their parents like I talk to you..."

JanieJack

When I read someone's profile who says, "great if it happens, fine if it doesn't".... I see that as someone who doesn't KNOW what they want or is just testing the waters but not really into it and never message them. That's just ME though knowing what I want!

I totally agree with the sentiments expressed in this and the OP... I just wanna point out something in this thought...

The first time I had a Match profile, the two pieces of advice I was given were to remove the "getting a physics PhD" from the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" line and change the "looking for serious relationship" to "not looking to rush into anything serious, just looking to have fun and see what happens."

The reason behind the second suggestion is that guys typically see the woman who states upfront that she wants a permanent relationship or marriage as wanting to rush in, get married and have kids with the first decent guy that comes along. The guy feels like she will simply be filling a "husband check-box" not really into him for *him.* He's looking for someone who will love him as he is, not just someone who has her plan and her timeline and he's gonna play the husband role for her. It's only anecdotal, but I've asked a couple guys about this and they said it was true that saying you want marriage is actually a red flag. Even if the guy himself wants marriage. Makes no sense to me, but I'll tell ya I got a lot more attention when I took that off.

I closed my profile today, but it used to say "not looking to rush into anything serious, just looking to have fun and see what happens." I went out with several guys who really were relationship and fatherhood minded. So please consider that.

just have some fun

And it has been fun. I've got out with men that before I would have never even considered. I've gotten the attention I crave and laughed a lot. I guess I was able to let my guard down a little bit by taking off all of the expectations.

And you know what... I've met someone whom I would have never met otherwise... it's too early to tell, yet, but I think we like each other...lol... I'll keep you posted

Yay you!! BB is someone I would never had considered dating if I wasn't going through my "go have fun" phase of saying yes to everyone who asked. I hope it works out for you!!

flimflamfloz

When I read someone's profile who says, "great if it happens, fine if it doesn't".... I see that as someone who doesn't KNOW what they want or is just testing the waters but not really into it and never message them. That's just ME though knowing what I want!

The reason behind the second suggestion is that guys typically see the woman who states upfront that she wants a permanent relationship or marriage as wanting to rush in, get married and have kids with the first decent guy that comes along.

The guy feels like she will simply be filling a "husband check-box" not really into him for *him.* He's looking for someone who will love him as he is, not just someone who has her plan and her timeline and he's gonna play the husband role for her.

I know this is my reasoning.

I know for example for the girls in the 20-30 range (my "obvious" target market), a lot of girls just want to find a potential husband, get married, have kids and be done with it ("DM-style"). This frankly freaks me out.
I understand where they are coming from: pressure from "older generations" when people didn't finish their studies at 25+ years old, maternal instinct, wanting to reproduce the schema of what is considered "the ideal family" to look at other women in the eyes without shame (feeling of "completion", which I think young men don't have so much)...

To me the idea of "getting married" (and even worse "having kids") should only be considered IF and WHEN you find the right man, not the other way around ("Who wants to get married with me? Anyoooooooone? No. Ermm ok.").

As I said in another topic, I don't feel the need to mention it, even though I'm likely to have kids/get married after some time.
I know what I want *now*, and certainly getting married and having kids isn't. I can understand this being a deal breaker only for someone who is in a rush, thus not the type of person I'm trying to attract anyway.