Perception of a Single

pammbroo

For those of you who hang out with married friends, do you find that there is a separate set of rules or that maybe you are perceived differently in dealings among the married folks?

To clarify, in a group of married friends who are genuinely affectionate with each other (hugs hello/goodbye kinda thing), joke around and yes, even flirt to some extent (within boundaries of course), are you held to a different standard of behavior b/c you are single and therefore could possibly be viewed as a "threat"?

TheKitsune6

The only time I have encountered this was in my DND group. One guy was not allowed to continue playing with us a couple weeks after they tied the knot because I was there (only girl) and his wife didn't know me. After that he was only allowed to come when she was allowed to sit in and watch too. Pissed me off to be honest.

That's the only time I've noticed or cared about married people treating me differently.

christine24t

I know I was never viewed as a threat to my friends that were coupled up. I'm just not threatening, I'm the innocent girl next door type. But I do have friends that I know girls couple up viewed as a threat. But you could tell from the outside looking in that the people were not actually a threat. You shouldn't be scared of another friend. Clearly that person chose you and you shouldn't be worried about someone leaving you for your friend.

And if that person does, they weren't a good boyfriend/spouse in the first place.

MissingMinnesota

Not with married couples. The only time it seems to have been an issue is if they are in a new relationship and she didn't know me prior to them becoming a couple. Usually the girl gets over it pretty fast as they can tell I have no interest in the guy they are seeing.

Mom2rh

Since I'm recently divorced, most of my friends are married. I got custody of most of our friends. :laugh: :drinker:

I haven't noticed any difference in how I'm treated. Nothing has changed. The ones I mostly socialize with liked me better anyway.

AnnaPixie

Nah, all my married friends are cool. They wouldnt be my friends if they were that way inclined; I coudnt stand that type of pressure in my social life. But I've known my circle of friends forever, so perhaps it's just the familiarity and trust we naturally have for each other.

I dunno, MM was right when she said it might happen in the early stages of a new relationship, until everyone feels at ease with each other? :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I lost most of my married friends when I got divorced, so I can't really speak to that. But when I was married several of those "friends" made snide remarks about me supposedly being into their husbands, so I can see why you would have this happen. I had to tell one "friend" to her face that I thought her hubby was ugly.

What did shock me, though, was that I lost a lot of my *single* girlfriends because now all the sudden I was competition with *them.*

julesboots

I don't feel this from married friends who are actual friends, but when I meet a new couple I am very careful. I met some very cool new people over the weekend, and I made sure to really connect with the wife. I saw the husband yesterday, reintroduced myself, and told him to say "hi" to his wife. After I know them better, I'll feel more comfortable being friendly with both of them.

I've had some very uncomfortable experiences via my daughter's school as "the single mom" so I think I'm extra sensitive to this. One of these experiences was so blatant and mean that I actually cried when I got my daughter to my car.

JanieJack

oh wait,i got the OP confused with someone else... I can't edit my answer so I'll just write a new one...

I lost most of my married friends, so I didn't have this problem when I became single as much. But even now, I try not to be "friends' with other people's husbands. That's just a personal code. And if I am friends, I don't flirt with them.

Other people are different, so I guess it's couple-by-couple dependent, but I find that it makes wives a lot more comfortable with me working with/being friends with their husbands if they know that when we're all together I spend more time talking to her than him and that i won't flirt with him, or do things that could put is in a romantic situation (like dinner just the two of us to a romantic restaurant with low lighting and lots of ambiance).

Marc713

I knew most of my married friends before they were married, so it’s not an issue. Also, most of my friends know my morals and my opinion of people that cheat, so they trust me around their wives/girlfriends and know that I’m a “protector” type and always watch out for the ladies in our circle of friends regardless of who is around.

I think it all boils down to if you have insecure friends.

jenbit

Most of my friends are single and only 2 sets are married. I'm friends with the female in one and the male in the other. I have no problem with their significant others and I dont think they act any different around us single people

yoovie

My married friends are the ones providing the drugs and alcohol and bonfires.

SouthernSweetie74

My married friends' husbands generally try to help me out and "take care of me"... LOL Not really... but when I need something moved or fixed or lifted, they do like to help out.

It is a big deal in church, though, I've noticed. One married man with whom I serve and come in contact did tell me one day, "I hope you don't think I'm being rude to you when I don't always talk to you for too long. It's just that I'm married, and you're not, and I have to be careful..." And in my church, they have a group for the young married couples, one for the older married couples, one for college and career age, but nothing for the misfits like me. So, yeah, I sometimes feel alienated in the place where I'm supposed to feel loved and welcomed. I guess that's why I stick to working with kids.

SouthernSweetie74

I don't feel this from married friends who are actual friends, but when I meet a new couple I am very careful. I met some very cool new people over the weekend, and I made sure to really connect with the wife. I saw the husband yesterday, reintroduced myself, and told him to say "hi" to his wife. After I know them better, I'll feel more comfortable being friendly with both of them.

I've had some very uncomfortable experiences via my daughter's school as "the single mom" so I think I'm extra sensitive to this. One of these experiences was so blatant and mean that I actually cried when I got my daughter to my car.

aww, Jules! :flowerforyou:

I'm sorry you had to endure such a horrific experience.

I'm the single teacher... FYI most teachers (in schools where I've worked) are not single. Now, the kids' parents... that is a different story, but sometimes I do feel as if my colleagues look at me differently because of my circumstances.

DMZ_1

My core friends have yet to get married, which is good for our friendships. I don't think anyone who is a core friend will get married by the end of 2013.

It is true that there have been marriages at the periphery of my social circle. And there's been some impact on the dynamics of friendships.

A friend from college (one of our mutual friends is someone I consider a core friend) got married, but it was a year after a child was born out of wedlock. He did marry the mother of his child. Eventually, my relationship with that friend disintegrated into nothingness. The disintegration of that friendship has to do with a number of factors. Distance was one. He also has detached from other mutual acquaintances we had in college (the deletion of his FB page was big in this). There were some issues in the past with that marriage before I lost contact. I would not be surprised that 5 years from now, once his marriage disintegrates (something that could happen), that he may try to repair not only his friendship with me but his friendships with many others. And he'll be coming from a very difficult place.

Both my cousins (older than me) are married. The relationships I have with my cousins have not shifted dramatically as a result of their marriages. We weren't tremendously close in the most recent 3-5 years prior to the marriages (both got married within 18 months of each other). The older of the two moved really slowly in getting married, taking 6 years to propose and by the time the wedding day rolled around, they had been a couple for 7 years. So his wife was rather integrated by wedding day. But I have sensed a change in family dynamics since they've both gotten married (one has a child) and I haven't.

I believe that it is tough for marrieds and singles to have friendships. There is just a completely different lifestyle. It also depends on the distance. A unmarried couple would be more likely to be friends with a married couple than someone completely single.

poncho33

My married friends are the ones providing the drugs and alcohol and bonfires.

I think this is what happens when two cool people get married!

Sarah_Wins

Absolutely. If I'm friends with the husband, I'm a trashy hooker trying to lure him away. If I'm friends with the wife, I'm a bad influence and she might meet someone else while she's out with me.