Survivor needing to get healthy and not lose my sanity
affairofthepoisons
Posts: 2 Member
I've recovered from anorexia. When my restricting behaviors were in full swing, my worst fear was gaining weight and it not stopping. Needless to say, this actually started last October. I gained 1lb. a week without changing my eating or exercise behaviors. I have gained over 50 lbs. Now, this isn't a HUGE amount for most people, but I am 5'0", and a survivor as well, so it was/is sooo much weight gain for me. I got really scared, but thankfully I did not result to restricting again.
Went to 10+ doctors and specialists, getting tested to see if it was from diabetes, a hormone imbalance, etc etc. They found nothing.
Aug. 29, 2012 I got my metabolism tested. Turns out that the reason I kept gaining weight is because my metabolism is shot. I was eating more than my miniscule metabolism could handle.
Approx. two weeks ago I went to a nutritionist for the first time since when I was anorexic (the last time, the nutritionist's effort helped me healthily get out of anorexia). This time, this nutritionist seems, at least to me, kinda authoritarian and controlling. I know nutritionists need to have these aspects about themselves (somewhat), but a few things she said really irked my inner dormant anorexic. I made it a point to tell her that I have recovered from anorexia, and I am very aware that I still teeter back and forth with the unhealthy thoughts, and I do not want her nutrition counseling to trigger me into the behavior again. Still, she said these things that really bothered me, that took my autonomy about eating completely away from me, and it scares me. When I was anorexic, my entire life felt so out of control that I severely controlled what I did and did not put in my body. This nutritionist taking any and all control away from me is a HUGE problem for me.
Last Friday, I got depressed. For 4 days, I ate food for comfort, and did not follow the nutritionist's suggestions. I ended up overeating (eating too many calories) because I ate food based on how it tasted so that I could find something to make me feel better and make me look forward to being alive/awake.
A day or so ago, I just started crying while I started to eat breakfast. I was broken. I never wanted to eat again.
Yesterday I vowed to say **** the nutritionist's power issue and eat what I want, while taking her suggestions into account.
Now I'm still somewhat overeating, just not as much as when I was depressed.
I should lose weight, as I am now at a very unhealthy weight for my body frame size. I honestly don't know how to do this or even begin to think about approaching this without resulting to anorexic behaviors and complete hopelessness and depression. Please help?
Went to 10+ doctors and specialists, getting tested to see if it was from diabetes, a hormone imbalance, etc etc. They found nothing.
Aug. 29, 2012 I got my metabolism tested. Turns out that the reason I kept gaining weight is because my metabolism is shot. I was eating more than my miniscule metabolism could handle.
Approx. two weeks ago I went to a nutritionist for the first time since when I was anorexic (the last time, the nutritionist's effort helped me healthily get out of anorexia). This time, this nutritionist seems, at least to me, kinda authoritarian and controlling. I know nutritionists need to have these aspects about themselves (somewhat), but a few things she said really irked my inner dormant anorexic. I made it a point to tell her that I have recovered from anorexia, and I am very aware that I still teeter back and forth with the unhealthy thoughts, and I do not want her nutrition counseling to trigger me into the behavior again. Still, she said these things that really bothered me, that took my autonomy about eating completely away from me, and it scares me. When I was anorexic, my entire life felt so out of control that I severely controlled what I did and did not put in my body. This nutritionist taking any and all control away from me is a HUGE problem for me.
Last Friday, I got depressed. For 4 days, I ate food for comfort, and did not follow the nutritionist's suggestions. I ended up overeating (eating too many calories) because I ate food based on how it tasted so that I could find something to make me feel better and make me look forward to being alive/awake.
A day or so ago, I just started crying while I started to eat breakfast. I was broken. I never wanted to eat again.
Yesterday I vowed to say **** the nutritionist's power issue and eat what I want, while taking her suggestions into account.
Now I'm still somewhat overeating, just not as much as when I was depressed.
I should lose weight, as I am now at a very unhealthy weight for my body frame size. I honestly don't know how to do this or even begin to think about approaching this without resulting to anorexic behaviors and complete hopelessness and depression. Please help?
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I'm afraid my reply won't be nearly that lengthy but I just wanted to say I am entirely supporting you. You've been through so much and you have only the home stretch left. I'm working on eating enough to maintain my weight and not destroy my metabolism. I lost 20 pounds by eating about half what I should and am currently trying to get my metabolism back to normal. I'm sending you hugs, and a friend request if you like.
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Sounds like you are amazingly strong and wonderful. It's not easy to say **** off to a doctor, nutritionist, or therapist when you've obviously had positive experiences with them in the past. I have EDNOS, compulsive overeating type. I eat more than I need, and make choices that are unhealthy for me because they provide me with so much comfort. Fast food is my weapon of choice for self destructive behavior. I would suggest talking to your therapist (if you don't have one, maybe call your old one? or talk to your doctor) and get a different recommendation for a nutritionist if you think you need it. Look for one who has specific experience working with eating disorders, and understands that you need behavior change, not a diet. I'm in grad school right now getting my master's in social work so I can be a therapist, hopefully one who deals with ED, and have learned that ANY diet is an eating disorder. It's all a continuum. Dieting isn't always extreme, but it can be, which is when it turns into a form of ED. Anyway, I'm sure that is all old news to you, but my point is that don't let yourself get down for being heavier than you want. We eat (or don't eat, depending) to serve a purpose. Maybe if you can identify the emotions that are bothering you the most- loneliness, anxiety, depression, etc, you can take care of yourself with things other than food. Then, the weight will come off. I am trying to practice what I preach here, and it is NOT easy.
It's nice to meet you! I use myfitnesspal as a way to see how many calories I eat in a day, but don't really stress if I'm over at this point. Good luck, and hang in there.0
