Are you willing to settle?

NCTravellingGirl

A friend asked me tonight just how bad I wanted the husband, children, white picket fence life? He asked whether I'd be willing to settle for someone less than my ideal in order to get it.

Like most, My first reaction was HECK NO! I couldn't imagine tying myself to someone that I didn't feel strong chemistry with, that I was not attracted to completely, and that perhaps didn't feel the same for me. Can you imagine having sex with only one person for the rest of your life and knowing they weren't your first choice?

The more I think about it though, it's left me wondering something else... what if my ideals are not attainable or appropriate? What if I'm looking for someone too good for me? I know the reaction that many will have is that there is no such thing and that I need to value myself more... but let's be honest! There are people that are out of my league... the 6'2, tanned Adonis is not looking my way! Not that I'm expecting that, but what if I'm still searching just a little too high up the food chain?!

I know online dating isn't always representative of reality, but truthfully, none of the men I messaged ever sent a response until I lowered my standards. Then I got responses, but actually realized I had no interest in any of them, haha... had I lowered them too much?

I'm just talking out loud to myself, but I thought I'd share it to see if anyone else has felt the same. Lowered your standards appropriately or not? Willing to settle for the American dream lifestyle? What is an age where you think people start to settle? Women earlier than men? Just thought it was food for thought....

christine24t

Can you imagine having sex with only one person for the rest of your life and knowing they weren't your first choice?

What is even worse to me is sleeping next to one person for the rest of your life and knowing that you were not their first choice and they settled with you. That would honestly hurt me more that someone settled for me. Maybe that is terrible and egotistical, but that would be worse than me settling. It would ruin my self-esteem.

What if I'm looking for someone too good for me? I know the reaction that many will have is that there is no such thing and that I need to value myself more... but let's be honest! There are people that are out of my league... the 6'2, tanned Adonis is not looking my way! Not that I'm expecting that, but what if I'm still searching just a little too high up the food chain?!

I wonder this too.

Lowered your standards appropriately or not? Willing to settle for the American dream lifestyle? Just thought it was food for thought....

Right now in my life I am not willing to settle. Sadly though, I don't know if the same would be true in twenty years.

pa_jorg

The more I think about it though, it's left me wondering something else... what if my ideals are not attainable or appropriate? What if I'm looking for someone too good for me? I know the reaction that many will have is that there is no such thing and that I need to value myself more... but let's be honest! There are people that are out of my league... the 6'2, tanned Adonis is not looking my way! Not that I'm expecting that, but what if I'm still searching just a little too high up the food chain?!

Maybe I'm weird, but I don't believe in the philosophy that some people are 'out of ones league'... ok so you might not get the hottest guy out there, but I'm sure there is a wonderful man who is your emotional and intellectual equal that you will also be attracted to.

Carl01

I know what I am,a middle aged guy with thick glasses and crooked teeth wearing braces.
My desirable level is very close to 0,I know this.

It is up to me to to let this undo me and right now I will not.
So there is no need to settle but am not in any way unrealistic either.

I will not think about it and let the chips fall where they will with a lady I find attractive.

TheKitsune6

I mean this in all seriousness.

If the sex was -really good- I could go without certain ideals... but then I wouldn't consider that settling in my case. I don't have a long checklist of must haves beyond the basics (Honesty, motivation and sexual compatibility). There are certain aspects that I am holding out for right now because I do believe it's something I can attain, especially as I get closer and closer to my goals. I'm not at my best yet, and I probably won't be until I'm in my late 20's or beyond, so I haven't made a case to settle since I'm only getting better with time - consider me wine instead of a dairy product.

Ugh, you know, I started writing a paragraph here about how I might settle for the nice guy that adored me and I thought about how I would be forced to nod and say "I know" every time he told me he loved me and it made me sick.

No, I won't settle. I'd be happy with me and all my future animals and dedicating my life to pursuits more worthwhile than feigned happiness.

La_Amazona

Never. Ive settled once and never again. It's not even about looks but more of the connection- physical, spiritual, emotional and mental. Yes, I like good looking fellas but what I think is hot might not be your "hot".

So no, I will never settle just to be with someone. I rather be alone, travel, bang hot guys, rely on family and friends' love.

Laura_Suzie

You should never settle. Bad idea...

And if you fear that you aren't going to find someone that meets your ideals, then I say you should focus more on bettering yourself than changing your standards. If you are happy with yourself then you will someone that will be happy with you and vice versa.

Natx83

Havent you heard about the settler and the reacher?

bradphil87

I'm not going to settle personally. I know people who have, and they do not have healthy relationships (some chest, others resent, etc.) so I may have to wait a while, but I can have fun while I do!!! Lol

meshashesha2012

no and i definitely wouldnt want someone to settle on me.

there's a pot for every lid as my great grandma used to say.

lacroyx

Nope. Never.

Natx83

I think this kind of subjective really, in the way that its probably almost directly linked to how happy you are. In a simply put way, you probably wouldn't think you have settled if you are extremely happy, until you find yourself thinking you've settled for less than you deserve when you are unhappy on your way to a divorce.

flimflamfloz

Not technically advocating for settling but...

If you find no deal breakers in someone, I'm pretty sure that - with time - you can learn to love them, get used to them and just accept them regardless of most of their features.
For example, it has been said on this board (and IRL conversations) that you can find someone physically beautiful when you're in love and just think the person is in fact physically ugly when you start hating them.


Here is some more food for thought though, unless you are able to know someone inside out within the first minute of your conversation with them, then you will never know unless you experience "this person" (i.e. date this person) whether they would be a potential first choice or not.
In plain words: how are you able to tell if the person is a first choice? You just can't (unless the criteria for a first choice are immediately visible - i.e. purely physical, but I would imagine a "serial cheater" for example wouldn't be a "first choice").
Technically, you can only tell rapidly that they are for sure NOT a first choice by checking if they tick any of the deal breakers boxes. To be absolutely sure about that though, you need time.
Or in even plainer words: a person is a first choice, until you realise they are in fact not a first choice. You'll only be able to tell that this person was a first choice on the day of your death.

Since there is no "ideal partner", then you indeed need to "settle for less" and accept the fact that pretty much nobody is going to tick all the boxes of the "ideal partner".
All of this to say what? Don't settle for a loser (=deal breakers), but don't hang on to an ideal (= dream).
I guess it really depends on what you put in the word "ideal". Different people would put a different weight to that word.

As for chemistry, any expert Pick Up Artist could generate "chemistry" by using the right stimuli, pressing the right buttons, responding in the right manner. So I wouldn't trust "chemistry" as being the signal that "this is the one!". Although it generally is a good sign that the interaction is going as it should.

Also online dating is a different world, so I wouldn't use this as a way to gauge if you should lower your standards or not.

kerrymh

Its funny, I'm talking to a guy from POF now..and we have these long conversations about gender rolls, expectations and "lists" and he's very interesting to talk to..no bullh it type guy. I know between us nothing long term would ever happen..and I'm ok with that even though I find him fascinating..I don't believe I have the power to change someone so I accept that he's not that type of guy...anyway back on topic.

We've been discussing settling lately and, how for him all he needs is a woman he wants to screw (ie hot) and that she be nice to him..not witchy.

And that I how ever or women in general have a laundry list that is impossible for any man to fulfill so they end up bitter and *****y..and won't settle so they are alone ect. I have a list...but the reality is I don't expect a man to fulfill all my needs. I know there is no prince charming. I'm not stuck in the fantasy world. So I said really HOW LOW DO I NEED TO SETTLE?

Do I just accept the unemployed fat bald toothless wonder that is wanting to marry me with a grade 2 education (since it feels like this is who is after me)? Or can I have a few things that I feel I need in a partner? Or am I destined to be alone?

He was reassuring me that no I wasn't too unreasonable and seemed easy going and grounded ect. I just laughed, I'm not the exception to the rule I am the rule..I know that.

I get that I should not expect a rich, handsome, 6foot, kind considerate, confident, perfect man who will put me on a pedestal and worship me.
I'd like to be able to talk to a man, laugh on occasion, look into his eyes and want to touch him, kiss him, and not feel like I have to financially support him. That's about it. I would settle for that. Sadly this man is still elusive. But I'm not thinking that this is too much to ask for.

Mom2rh

I think there are various levels of settling. There's settling to actually go out on a date with someone. Which seems to be what a lot of people are addressing. I haven't dated someone new in forever. I'm actually in a kind of LDR with someone from my past.

And then there is settling to be in a relationship long term.

It has been my experience that my attraction to a guy goes up or down when I get to know him. But when you really take the time to get to know someone, the flaws come out. And that's when you weigh the good with the bad. There are always compromises and "settling" if you want to look at it that way.

In my marriage, I allowed myself to put up with stuff I should not have. I settled in an unhealthy way. Hopefully, lesson learned. I have definitely learned that I'd rather be on my own than be in a relationship like my marriage. I'm not afraid to be alone. I would love to have a happy relationship, and I think I'm able to do that (I'm such a catch! :flowerforyou: ) but I'd be OK being on my own.

pa_jorg

Havent you heard about the settler and the reacher?

Woo hoo another HIMYM fan! :drinker:

Marc713

I think it’s a balancing act. You will almost certainly have to make some compromises and accept things that may not be idea, but your partner is going to have to do the same thing and accept you the way you are as well. Don’t think that you are the ONLY one making some exceptions!

Don’t have too much of a checklist mentality. Get to know people, see if you have fun, see how the communication is. For me, if I’m going to spend my life with someone, live with them, be with them often, I want them to be fun, have a sense of humor, and get along well with me on a day-to-day type basis. The sex has to be great, and there has to be animal attraction for me. I have dated women that didn’t find this important, all they heard or cared about was their “ticking clock” and that concerned me…because some of them would just tell you what you wanted to hear because they say I made good money, had a new brick home, and drove a nice vehicle…I’m glad I could tell they weren’t being genuine…but how many guys out there missed the signs or were dating someone with good acting skills? This can go both ways I’m sure with men as well.

In the end, just keep an open mind and when you go out, only go on the date with an expectation to have a good time and to try to learn as much as you can within reason about your date.

Meghan0116

First and foremost, the is not a single guy out there that is good enough for you. Not the other way around.

Right off the bat I would say settling is never a good idea. I would eventually get bored and resentful. I don't want anyone to settle for me and I wouldn't do the same to a partner. What I have done instead of settling is talk to most anyone who messages me or comes up to me when I am out. Now, if there is zero attraction, no I won't go further but if there is any spark of interest, why not. Some of these guys may not be Johnny Depp gorgeous, okay none of them are lol, but there possibly are qualities that could make me see them that way.

I used to not go out with anyone that I wasn't wildly attracted to but I realized that I was being superficial and eliminating a big dating pool. Not only that, but many of those guys were very attractive and I would feel intimidated. Not a good mix for dating. I then opened my mind (not lowering my standards) and have talked to some incredibly interesting, funny, and witty men. At this point, none of that has worked out but I am glad that I had the chance to get to know some of these guys.

I am a firm believer that a great personality and sense of humor could make the plainest person incredibly attractive. That is why I have opened up more and more. Hopefully it will work out.

I don't want you to lower your standards, I want you to realize that you are incredible, beautiful, smart and any guy who is lucky enough to date you should snatch you off the market immediately.

NCTravellingGirl

Settling has such a negative connotation I suppose, so as expected most people reacted as I did. What if I had asked if you think you standards changed (up or down)? What if settling is really the same as adjusting your expectations?

I don't expect an 18 year old to "settle" but most of us have friends who we think might have...are we just the anomaly on Single Peeps?!

Meghan0116

Settling has such a negative connotation I suppose, so as expected most people reacted as I did. What if I had asked if you think you standards changed (up or down)? What if settling is really the same as adjusting your expectations?

I don't expect an 18 year old to "settle" but most of us have friends who we think might have...are we just the anomaly on Single Peeps?!

Hmmmmm, I have not had enough coffee to think this much. lol

I am working really hard on not having expectations about the men I date. It isn't fair to them and puts them at a disadvantage immediately. That has not worked well for me. lol

I guess you can look at your standards objectively and see if they are too high. What are your standards exactly?

kristen6022

I don't believe anyone out there will have 100% of what any of us is looking for. So, if that's that settling means when we choose a mate, then maybe we are all settling.

A women/man could have a list of 10 non-negotiable's. What if you met a person and they had 9 out of the 10? Do you chuck them aside because one of those criteria that you set in place isn't met, or do you keep going forward with the relationship and learn to accept that they aren't perfect?

The guy I'm presently seeing has everything I'm looking for, but one thing. I feel he could be a little more planned out. He lives day by day, hour by hour and never plans anything. Can't look ahead for the life of him. This one thing annoys me, but it's not enough to give up on us. I'm the planner in the relationship, and because of that I feel sometimes we but heads. I'm wanting to plan meals for the week and he can't even tell me what items he'd like from the grocery store. So, I go out Sunday morning with a list and Monday he wants x, y and z that he didn't tell me about. We are temporarily living together until his apartment is ready in mid-November and right now this is the big "red flag". And he doesn't own a car at the moment so I'm the one that "gets" stuff. Sometimes I feel because of this I have a child not a life partner...but it's not something I'm willing to chuck him out the door for...just yet! LOL

I'm happy single or in a relationship. I'm not one to hang on to a guy because I don't want to be alone (actually I'm more likely to get rid of a guy because I want to be alone).

TheKitsune6

I don't believe anyone out there will have 100% of what any of us is looking for. So, if that's that settling means when we choose a mate, then maybe we are all settling.

A women/man could have a list of 10 non-negotiable's. What if you met a person and they had 9 out of the 10? Do you chuck them aside because one of those criteria that you set in place isn't met, or do you keep going forward with the relationship and learn to accept that they aren't perfect?

The guy I'm presently seeing has everything I'm looking for, but one thing. I feel he could be a little more planned out. He lives day by day, hour by hour and never plans anything. Can't look ahead for the life of him. This one thing annoys me, but it's not enough to give up on us. I'm the planner in the relationship, and because of that I feel sometimes we but heads. I'm wanting to plan meals for the week and he can't even tell me what items he'd like from the grocery store. So, I go out Sunday morning with a list and Monday he wants x, y and z that he didn't tell me about. We are temporarily living together until his apartment is ready in mid-November and right now this is the big "red flag". And he doesn't own a car at the moment so I'm the one that "gets" stuff. Sometimes I feel because of this I have a child not a life partner...but it's not something I'm willing to chuck him out the door for...just yet! LOL

I'm happy single or in a relationship. I'm not one to hang on to a guy because I don't want to be alone (actually I'm more likely to get rid of a guy because I want to be alone).

The planning wouldn't bother me, and forgive me for being frank, but the guy sounds like a mooch. I wouldn't date a guy who doesn't have a car, unless I live in a city that makes that sort of thing acceptable.

Marc713

First and foremost, the is not a single guy out there that is good enough for you. Not the other way around.

Right off the bat I would say settling is never a good idea. I would eventually get bored and resentful. I don't want anyone to settle for me and I wouldn't do the same to a partner

You just contradicted youself. If no guy is good enough, how can you be with someone without settling? And more so, how do you know the quality of this person's character from an online forum?

Some of these guys may not be Johnny Depp gorgeous, okay none of them are lol, but there possibly are qualities that could make me see them that way.

By that logic, I guess we have to settle for women that aren't Mila Kunis gorgeous....and Johnny Depp is not that great of a male specimen, honestly. Why not a more masculine specimen like Jason Statham or Clive Owen?

I don't want you to lower your standards, I want you to realize that you are incredible, beautiful, smart and any guy who is lucky enough to date you should snatch you off the market immediately.

Again, you make the assumption to know this person from a forum post. How do you know she doesn't have some crazy baggage or issues that make her a dating nightmare? I'm not saying she is, I'm just pointing out how unrealistic your statements are.

The best way to be happy with someone else is to become happy with yourself. When you become happy with who you are, you are more confident than someone who hasn't learned how to be happy and content. You can accept someone else's flaws once you have learned that you, and everyone else has them.

I am working really hard on not having expectations about the men I date. It isn't fair to them and puts them at a disadvantage immediately. That has not worked well for me. lol

Now there is some wisdom we can agree on. When you go on a date, the best way to leave for that date is with the only expectation being to have fun and to get to know your date better. I keep such an open mind that maybe if my date and I don't get along romantically, I could still possibly meet a friend that I want to add to my circle of friends. A new travel buddy, an activity partner that may want to go biking, jogging, or just out to local happenings around the city. Maybe they will see that despite the lack of chemistry between us, maybe some time in the future they introduce me to someone I do connect with? Have an open mind :happy:

DMZ_1

I don't believe anyone out there will have 100% of what any of us is looking for. So, if that's that settling means when we choose a mate, then maybe we are all settling.

A women/man could have a list of 10 non-negotiable's. What if you met a person and they had 9 out of the 10? Do you chuck them aside because one of those criteria that you set in place isn't met, or do you keep going forward with the relationship and learn to accept that they aren't perfect?

The guy I'm presently seeing has everything I'm looking for, but one thing. I feel he could be a little more planned out. He lives day by day, hour by hour and never plans anything. Can't look ahead for the life of him. This one thing annoys me, but it's not enough to give up on us. I'm the planner in the relationship, and because of that I feel sometimes we but heads. I'm wanting to plan meals for the week and he can't even tell me what items he'd like from the grocery store. So, I go out Sunday morning with a list and Monday he wants x, y and z that he didn't tell me about. We are temporarily living together until his apartment is ready in mid-November and right now this is the big "red flag". And he doesn't own a car at the moment so I'm the one that "gets" stuff. Sometimes I feel because of this I have a child not a life partner...but it's not something I'm willing to chuck him out the door for...just yet! LOL

I'm happy single or in a relationship. I'm not one to hang on to a guy because I don't want to be alone (actually I'm more likely to get rid of a guy because I want to be alone).

The planning wouldn't bother me, and forgive me for being frank, but the guy sounds like a mooch. I wouldn't date a guy who doesn't have a car, unless I live in a city that makes that sort of thing acceptable.

In the US, there are not a lot of cities where not having a car makes a lot of sense. In New York City, not having a car makes sense. Terrific public transportation! Chicago has good public transportation as well in the city itself.

pa_jorg

Settling has such a negative connotation I suppose, so as expected most people reacted as I did. What if I had asked if you think you standards changed (up or down)? What if settling is really the same as adjusting your expectations?

I think the word that has been missing from this conversation is compromise. As we get older, we understand that people aren't necessarily going to fit the mold we had in our minds for them. So we let go of certain lesser qualities we wanted for the ones we consider more important and the other person most likely does the same for us. It's all compromise.

pa_jorg

The guy I'm presently seeing has everything I'm looking for, but one thing. I feel he could be a little more planned out. He lives day by day, hour by hour and never plans anything. Can't look ahead for the life of him. This one thing annoys me, but it's not enough to give up on us.

I know several people like this and they most likely will never change. You need to ask yourself if you will be happy ALWAYS being the planner and ALWAYS being the one to take charge. If the answer is yes, then great. If not, don't expect him to change and take the lead now. He's already shown you who he is.

The best way to be happy with someone else is to become happy with yourself. When you become happy with who you are, you are more confident than someone who hasn't learned how to be happy and content. You can accept someone else's flaws once you have learned that you, and everyone else has them.

YES, this, this, this!! :flowerforyou:

Meghan0116

First and foremost, the is not a single guy out there that is good enough for you. Not the other way around.

Right off the bat I would say settling is never a good idea. I would eventually get bored and resentful. I don't want anyone to settle for me and I wouldn't do the same to a partner

You just contradicted youself. If no guy is good enough, how can you be with someone without settling? And more so, how do you know the quality of this person's character from an online forum?

Actually, I do know her. Quite well. I was making that statement because she was putting herself down. I want her to know that she is invaluable.

Some of these guys may not be Johnny Depp gorgeous, okay none of them are lol, but there possibly are qualities that could make me see them that way.

By that logic, I guess we have to settle for women that aren't Mila Kunis gorgeous....and Johnny Depp is not that great of a male specimen, honestly. Why not a more masculine specimen like Jason Statham or Clive Owen?

I got nothing. lol

I don't want you to lower your standards, I want you to realize that you are incredible, beautiful, smart and any guy who is lucky enough to date you should snatch you off the market immediately.

Again, you make the assumption to know this person from a forum post. How do you know she doesn't have some crazy baggage or issues that make her a dating nightmare? I'm not saying she is, I'm just pointing out how unrealistic your statements are.

The best way to be happy with someone else is to become happy with yourself. When you become happy with who you are, you are more confident than someone who hasn't learned how to be happy and content. You can accept someone else's flaws once you have learned that you, and everyone else has them.

Again, I do know her. I want her to be happy with herself, which is exactly why I said what I said. I want her to know that I think she is incredible. You are making the assumption that I blindly compliment people just to pad their egos.

I am working really hard on not having expectations about the men I date. It isn't fair to them and puts them at a disadvantage immediately. That has not worked well for me. lol

Now there is some wisdom we can agree on. When you go on a date, the best way to leave for that date is with the only expectation being to have fun and to get to know your date better. I keep such an open mind that maybe if my date and I don't get along romantically, I could still possibly meet a friend that I want to add to my circle of friends. A new travel buddy, an activity partner that may want to go biking, jogging, or just out to local happenings around the city. Maybe they will see that despite the lack of chemistry between us, maybe some time in the future they introduce me to someone I do connect with? Have an open mind :happy:

Meghan0116

I totally did not do the quoting thing right. Ah well.

kristen6022

I'm willing to accept this downfall because everything else is right. And the car thing: It's temporary. I'm doing him a favor for a couple months. When he gets his new apartment he won't NEED a car AT ALL. And since I'd chose that lifestyle also, I don't fault him for it. It's not that he doesn't have the money, or a good job, or security, it's just that he wants to try out this lifestyle.

And no, he's not a mooch. The relationship works both ways. I was just stating one thing that isn't right, but I don't feel like I'm "settling" because of it.

TheKitsune6

I'm willing to accept this downfall because everything else is right. And the car thing: It's temporary. I'm doing him a favor for a couple months. When he gets his new apartment he won't NEED a car AT ALL. And since I'd chose that lifestyle also, I don't fault him for it. It's not that he doesn't have the money, or a good job, or security, it's just that he wants to try out this lifestyle.

And no, he's not a mooch. The relationship works both ways. I was just stating one thing that isn't right, but I don't feel like I'm "settling" because of it.

You know more than I do, obviously my information is far more limited

Marc713

I totally did not do the quoting thing right. Ah well.

It's OK, I was able to read what you added, although others may be a bit confused, lol.

Good for you to make your friend feel good and valuable. Yes, your friend can be a great person, but that doesn't mean that the guy she may be seeing isn't just as amazing...just saying...some of us guys out here are pretty darn awesome! :bigsmile: