Forgiveness?

Jennifer2387

So .. I am really struggling with something. I am a very forgiving person .. it is Gods way. The more I forgive people, the more it seems they take advantage of that forgiving nature and just continue to treat me in a way they wouldn't others with a non-forgiving nature. I see it in my work place and in my private life.

What I am struggling with is trying to find a balance between being a forgiving person and one that is so rigid that they won't even consider forgiveness as an option.

People mess up. We are humans, it is what we do. But at what point does that stop being a viable excuse. Should it ever? I just don't know. I don't know how some people can be so cold and so decisive that forgiveness is not even an option in their mind. Why carry all that negative emotion around with you.

Maybe it is just the way I am built. But how do you find that balance between understanding that people have their own *kitten* and that it isn't always about you ... and taking so much crap from everyone ..lol.

dbrightwell1270

I think it's interesting that you ask why be so cold and carry all that negative emotion around with you. You are the one saying you feel you are getting mistreated because you are so forgiving. Isn't that a negative emotion from not being "so cold and so decisive?" I personally cut people a lot of slack but once they reach the point that I feel the need to ask how to prevent being mistreated, I have no problems reducing contact with them to the minimum level necessary to do my job or interact with my circle of friends.

flimflamfloz

I personally cut people a lot of slack but once they reach the point that I feel the need to ask how to prevent being mistreated, I have not problems reducing contact with them to the minimum level necessary

This.

And also, I'm personally not a particularly "forgiving" person. But the point is:
- People know this so don't tend to abuse me,
- People I forgive know I'm giving them a second chance, and that there might not be a third so they are normally thankful. This is how it should be: people shouldn't assume forgiveness, they should understand it is a gift.

Also, the only people who will see being "unforgiving" as a negative emotion will be those who intend to abuse you, since they know they won't be able to do it without risks. The other (normal) people will just shrug it off: "Unforgiving eh? Well that's not a big deal, since I didn't intend to abuse you anyway."
Then when these "normal people" make a mistake, and if I feel their apology is sincere, I can really forgive them (forgiveness which HAS a meaning, since it is sincere, coming from me).

I'm obviously talking about real stuff, not just someone who dropped his coffee cup on your shoes.

Mom2rh

I guess i would challenge you to look at your definition and practice of forgiveness. I do not think setting limits and boundaries so people cannot keep hurting you or taking advantage of you and forgiveness are mutually exclusive. The Bible says to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. I think forgiveness, in the Christian sense (and could be extrapolated for the karmic sense I think), means removing yourself as the judge and allowing God to judge the person. It doesn't mean putting yourself in the position to be hurt over and over again, if you are able to extricate yourself. With my ex, I have to forgive him literally daily. And I don't always succeed. But by forgiving him, I am working towards banishing him from my head. Someone on here recently said forgiveness is not allowing someone to live rent free in your head. And I agree with that. That is my goal. It's hard and it's a daily thing and I hope somewhere down the road I won't even think about him anymore. Which is difficult because he keeps pulling stuff that needs to be forgiven. But since we share children, I have to deal with him on some level.

So, to reiterate, if you are forgiving people and they are taking advantage of you, stop letting them.

JanieJack

Forgiveness doesn't mean letting people hurt, abuse, take advantage of you over and over again.

Forgiveness does NOT equal trust. It's more like coming to peace (to terms?) with who they are and adjusting your life so that you will not have bitterness or continued pain if they continue to be that person.

JanieJack

forgiveness is not allowing someone to live rent free in your head.

Love this!

TBH, the hardest person for me to ever forgive is myself. Because, sure, people do me wrong from time to time but, many times, I was the one that let them.

Once I took ownership of this principle, it was much easier for me to honor myself through better boundaries. I strive to live my life without bitterness and resentment. When I feel like someone is taking advantage of me, I stop and ask myself if that’s really going on and how will I feel if I continue the transaction. Sometimes it’s profitable to let people think they are taking advantage of you… but for the most part this “spider sense” is my key to back away.

Mellie289

Forgiveness doesn't mean letting people hurt, abuse, take advantage of you over and over again.

Forgiveness does NOT equal trust. It's more like coming to peace (to terms?) with who they are and adjusting your life so that you will not have bitterness or continued pain if they continue to be that person.

^Exactly what I was thinking. Just because you accept that someone has wronged or failed you in some way and they apologized doesn't mean you have to blindly trust them again. Trust is earned. Someone who is truly sorry will work to not do it again.

I think you are talking more about "Forgive and forget" rather than just being forgiving. You don't need to go around carrying negative emotion about the offending act, like anger or bitterness - that is the forgiveness part - but you do need to remember what happened! It's up to that person to earn back the trust, and not to be just given a clean slate over and over again. That doesn't make you a forgiving person - it makes you a doormat. Sorry if that sounds offensive - I'm not meaning to call you a name, but to emphasize how people who continually let you down, break promises, not deliver and hurt you will see that they can walk all over you without consequences if they are forgiven each and every time.

I'm a big believer in second chances for most things (not cheating) because we're all human and make mistakes but they will know that I have been wronged and that forgiveness is a gift that is not going to be given again and again.

Jennifer2387

I think it's interesting that you ask why be so cold and carry all that negative emotion around with you. You are the one saying you feel you are getting mistreated because you are so forgiving. Isn't that a negative emotion from not being "so cold and so decisive?" I personally cut people a lot of slack but once they reach the point that I feel the need to ask how to prevent being mistreated, I have no problems reducing contact with them to the minimum level necessary to do my job or interact with my circle of friends.

You have totally missed the point .. which I may not have stated clearly because I am still trying to process.

I am guessing from your responses that I didn't state what I was trying to get at very clearly. Which is probably because I am having a hard time with it. Thanks anyway tho guys.

NCTravellingGirl

I think you're not getting what you're looking for because perhaps Forgiveness isn't the right word? Every day with every person we interact with, there is a give and take there. Some days, when I have a bad day, I may inadvertantly affect someone else. They may or may not take it personally depending on how THEIR day is going.

So the question seems to me to be what is normal and acceptable versus when is it pushing too far? When does someone's attitude or interaction with you cross from acceptable/ just deal with it, over the line to too far/ needs to be dealt with differently.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a blanket answer. I've always told those working for me that we each can choose our attitude and to not let those having a bad day, affect yours and how you treat others. I've also asked that they involve me when a particular person routinely crosses a line. Where that line is will be different for each individual, but that doesn't mean others shouldn't be aware of it and respect it.

You need to decide for yourself where the line is and do something about when it crosses that point. Remembering that they may be people you have ongoing interactions with becomes the challenge in my experience...

I know I can't answer your question, but I hope this is in line with what you're asking...

AnnaPixie

Maybe it is just the way I am built. But how do you find that balance between understanding that people have their own *kitten* and that it isn't always about you ... and taking so much crap from everyone ..lol.

When I can't bear to be around her/him anymore!!

There comes a point in my mind when I distance myself from the offending person as I don't consider them good for me.

I forgive easily. I also forget. But if someone is constantly making my life a misery then I let them go. Either temporarily or permanently. It's happened a few times. I feel that either I'm not understanding of their temperament/ways or they aren't understanding of mine. In which case we dont compliment each other. Some people are supposed to be friends and some just aren't.

This has happened fairly recently actually. I just can't be bothered to put up with someone's bad manners anymore; she constantly offends me. So, puff!! I'm gone. And obviously, depending on how close you are to the person is how easy/difficult it may be to move on.

Good luck hun :flowerforyou:

Roadie2000

Well forgiveness is one thing, but if they continue to do the same thing over and over again then I have a hard time believing they are truly sorry and therefore don't feel they deserve to be forgiven.

Jennifer2387

I think you're not getting what you're looking for because perhaps Forgiveness isn't the right word? Every day with every person we interact with, there is a give and take there. Some days, when I have a bad day, I may inadvertantly affect someone else. They may or may not take it personally depending on how THEIR day is going.

So the question seems to me to be what is normal and acceptable versus when is it pushing too far? When does someone's attitude or interaction with you cross from acceptable/ just deal with it, over the line to too far/ needs to be dealt with differently.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is a blanket answer. I've always told those working for me that we each can choose our attitude and to not let those having a bad day, affect yours and how you treat others. I've also asked that they involve me when a particular person routinely crosses a line. Where that line is will be different for each individual, but that doesn't mean others shouldn't be aware of it and respect it.

You need to decide for yourself where the line is and do something about when it crosses that point. Remembering that they may be people you have ongoing interactions with becomes the challenge in my experience...

I know I can't answer your question, but I hope this is in line with what you're asking...

Yes .. you may be right .. perhaps forgiveness is not the right word. That is helpful.

I forgive and forget rather easily as well Anna. It takes a lot for someone to push me to the breaking point. So, I guess I don't understand how some people can be so cold. But I am trying to find that medium place where I am not cold and quick to pull the trigger on someone, but also not to allow their behavior for too long. I know that people have a lot of *kitten* in their lives and a lot of what they do they don't really mean or what they say .. but that they are just trying to get through the same way I am. So I tend to be too accepting. But I don't want to go too far in the other direction either.

Too much, too much. I don't know why I even care. lol

Marc713

Forgiveness is not acceptance of mistreatment. It simply means that you let things go and do not hold it against them. You can forgive someone then never speak to them again because they are toxic.