Hoarding!! And Hoarders vs Tossers in Relationships

JanieJack

I am having SUCH a hard time packing! My house is always crawling with guests, so it's not like I have "TOO MUCH" extra stuff... but now that I am gonna have to PAY to store all this stuff I'm having to be really hard on myself to whittle down. I'm finding it difficult to part with even DUMB stuff...yet at the same time I don't wanna pay good money to store a bunch of JUNK.

Like pens... I have 3 cups bursting full of pens... one in the kitchen, one in my bedroom, and one in my son's room (which is where I keep my computer/office stuff). I tell myself "Don't pay to store this stuff for 6 months. Instead, give it to the rescue mission." Even though a new pack of pens is only a dollar, I still had a hard time just picking out a few to take with me (in case the new job is stingy with supplies) and put the rest in the rescue mission box. And it's not just pens. I've got tons of stuff (like reams of paper) that I've been carrying around for years. Sure I haven't had to buy anything like that for awhile but what good is it really doing sitting in my closet? I could give half that away and STILL not have to buy anything for awhile.

I'm beginning to understand how those people in that Hoarding show get started down this path.

What does this have to do with MFP and Single Peeps? Well, 2 things:

1. As I look at my reluctance to get rid of about 60 pens I don't use and don't need, I draw a parallel to the reluctance to let go of old habits and get fit. There's emotional attachment to much of what we eat, and whether we work out hard enough. It's easier to just keep wallowing in self-pity or old comforting routines than to do the emotional grunt work of addressing WHY we have allowed our health to slide to this point and WHY despite our months (or years) on MFP, we've not made more progress. I know a lot of you made great progress, but I gained back over vacation everything I lost and if it doesn't come off soon I'm gonna reset my MFP counter.

2. This kind of stuff can ruin relationships. BB, my boyfriend, is more of a minimalist. He has a little clutter here and there (active projects on his desk, for example) but for the most part he's a Tosser: Everything has a place, and everything in it's place. If something is slightly ajar he gets antsy and has to fix it. I told him early (and remind him from time to time) as a highly-social single mom with a demanding job, I don't have time, energy, or desire to line up the books or the pillows or such. While I will try to accommodate his OCness, I make no guarantees. I told him if something needs fixing, it's not fair, but part of the price of being in my life is he's gonna have to fix it himself.

Thanks if you actually read this far! This is really just my vent and trying to motivate myself to keep sorting and packing. I'm curious what you think about this? Have you seen "cluttering style" impact relationships around you?

christine24t

Thanks if you actually read this far! This is really just my vent and trying to motivate myself to keep sorting and packing. I'm curious what you think about this? Have you seen "cluttering style" impact relationships around you?

I agree that it can impact relationships. This isn't a romantic relationship, but I'm more of a tosser when I get to cleaning, whereas my mom is more of a hoarder. I'll want to donate half of my clothes, while my mom is "aw but that's so cute." Yes, it's cute but I haven't worn it in three years.

I can definitely see it impacting relationships. But you have to work together. The Tosser has to allow the Hoarder to keep some things, and the Hoarder has to be willing to give a little and toss away some things.

kristen6022

I'm sorry, Janie, but I'm like BB. I actually get a high of purging. I anally clean out my closet every 4 months or so and I'm constantly cleaning out the fridge. But I don't have a child. And I'm so Type A that sometimes it hurts. :laugh:

But I do understand the mindset of "why should I pay for larger unit to store all this stuff I don't need?". During my 13 month "early retirement" last year I had to pack up all my belongings and shove them in to a 10x10 storage locker. I can't tell you how many bags of stuff I threw away and donated to Goodwill just so I didn't have to store it. Which made me question why I even bought the crap in the first place, but that's another day and an other discussion.

My motivational speech for the day: It may seem overwhelming now and you might not WANT to do it, but the sooner you start kickin' butt and taking names the sooner it's over. My man is in the same position right now and seriously doesn't know where to start. I'm actually going in to the battlefield with him tonight to get him focused. He's almost out of time and it's GO TIME.

Good luck! Let us know how everything is going.

TheKitsune6

I am... a weird mix. Sometimes I hoard things for years (Swag from the first Comic-con I went to, for example) and then suddenly I get sick of it all and throw it all away. I don't know if this follows a specific emotional pattern or not. There was stuff I kept in a storage unit and suddenly I didn't want to pay for that anymore and about 80% of it got thrown away or donated because I just didn't want it anymore.

I also have a strange style of organization. I know where everything is, but I like to keep things in plain view. I don't function well with boxes or drawers because "out of sight out of mind". I like to have my "to do" stuff in clearly visible places around me. I keep things CLEAN. While I understand my style of organizing, most people see my piles and think I'm only in the process, rather than understanding that it's already been sorted. This is only true of my work spaces though. While I do hold on to a lot of junk, I put that in boxes under the bed, in a closet, or something.

It bothered my first serious relationship (one of the many ways we were clearly incompatible) because he cared very much about appearances. He used to get angry if I left a "mess" on my desk and he came home to see it. Coming from the guy that would leave his half rotting food in the sink I thought it was awful rich of him to nitpick ME but... I digress.

My mom is more my style, and my dad and sister both have an uncanny ability to make everything look like it belongs exactly where it is... we all got along just fine

JanieJack

What really cracks me up about this is that 20 yeas ago *I* was the Tosser and my ex was the clutterer. I used to have to go into his office every couple months to throw out all the trash, sort the papers, wash the moldy dishes, etc.

I have people over all the time and their kids are always in and out of my room so it's not *nasty* but MAN! I never noticed how much stuff it is! The military comes with each move and boxes it up for free. Now I have to buy wardrobe boxes for my clothes and at $12 a box I'm REALLY rethinking how many clothes I NEED. Sure, I'm losing weight. But in the 5 years it will take me to get down to a size 10 again (at this rate) someone else can get use out of that dress and I can buy something new when I lose it. Lol!

christine24t

I am... a weird mix. Sometimes I hoard things for years (Swag from the first Comic-con I went to, for example) and then suddenly I get sick of it all and throw it all away.

While I am more of a Tosser now, I definitely hoard things. I still have all the cards I got from high school graduation...in 2008. I save a lot of cards I get and little mementos from people. I still have an old vocabulary test from 8th grade (2003) because my crush at the time was the one that corrected it. Haven't seen him since 2008...but ya know it's hard to let go.

kristen6022

What really cracks me up about this is that 20 yeas ago *I* was the Tosser and my ex was the clutterer. I used to have to go into his office every couple months to throw out all the trash, sort the papers, wash the moldy dishes, etc.

I have people over all the time and their kids are always in and out of my room so it's not *nasty* but MAN! I never noticed how much stuff it is! The military comes with each move and boxes it up for free. Now I have to buy wardrobe boxes for my clothes and at $12 a box I'm REALLY rethinking how many clothes I NEED. Sure, I'm losing weight. But in the 5 years it will take me to get down to a size 10 again (at this rate) someone else can get use out of that dress and I can buy something new when I lose it. Lol!

Exactly. I realized after keeping my skinny clothes for more than 5 years when I actually got down to the size they fit, they didn't fit the way I wanted to. Like my dimensions weren't the same as they were when I was 26, my body changed...then I actually shrunk out of the stupid things and my skinny clothes became too big. Get rid of the stuff - you'll find something you like much better when you get to goal! Treat it as a treat for all your hard work!

Prahasaurus

"Tossers" !!! Too funny.

Or is that just a UK word that I've picked up?

In any case, although I'm the opposite of a hoarder, I'm really trying not to be a tosser. :-)

--P

oddyogi

I'm a cluttered Tosser. I've moved like 10 times in the last three years, and every time I move I throw away a bunch of ****. The only stuff I really keep is military awards and kitchen stuff. I go through my closet at least twice a year and get rid of stuff I haven't worn for awhile. As far as the cluttered part, I leave most things out in plain site. Every month or two I'll spend a few hours organizing my room. In my current living situation, I only have an upstairs loft to accommodate all of my belongings, so it's a bit cluttered. I have a few boxes in the garage. I'm sure when I move out on my own again next year, it won't be so cluttered.

I definitely never leave any food lying around, though. My roomie is super anal about NO dishes being in the sink, even if they're rinsed off, so I've gotten used to either sticking them in the dishwasher right away or washing them right away if the dishwasher is full or running. I like this new habit I have, because I used to just let dishes sit in the sink until the sink was full.

Mellie289

"Tossers" !!! Too funny.

Or is that just a UK word that I've picked up?

In any case, although I'm the opposite of a hoarder, I'm really trying not to be a tosser. :-)

--P

I chuckled when I read Tossers too, having lived in the UK before. It's not a word I would use to describe someone I like. LOL!

JanieJack

I chuckled when I read Tossers too, having lived in the UK before. It's not a word I would use to describe someone I like. LOL!

Uh-oh... is there some sort of derogatory meaning for tosser in the UK?

Mellie289

I chuckled when I read Tossers too, having lived in the UK before. It's not a word I would use to describe someone I like. LOL!

Uh-oh... is there some sort of derogatory meaning for tosser in the UK?

It's generally used to call someone a jerk. I'm not sure what I can say here without getting moderated, but it literally means someone who .... pleasures himself... off.

flimflamfloz

I'm a hoarder. Girls have always hated me for that...
But I don't care too much about it...

I think the worst for me is that I accumulate novels I'd like to read, educational books I'd like to study, musical instruments I'd like to play, movies I'd like to watch, music I'd like to discover, games I'd like to play, etc. stuff I unfortunately never get around to doing. It makes me feel so sad.

Basically, whenever I look around me, I'm constantly reminded of my failures and shortcomings...
(so then because I'm a little angry man, I just go on the internet and troll forums :laugh: )

TheKitsune6

I'm a hoarder. Girls have always hated me for that...
But I don't care too much about it...

I think the worst for me is that I accumulate novels I'd like to read, educational books I'd like to study, musical instruments I'd like to play, movies I'd like to watch, music I'd like to discover, games I'd like to play, etc. stuff I unfortunately never get around to doing. It makes me feel so sad.

Basically, whenever I look around me, I'm constantly reminded of my failures and shortcomings...
(so then because I'm a little angry man, I just go on the internet and troll forums :laugh: )

I love places like that! I always want to search through everything so I can find something interesting!! Like a used bookstore!

Danielle_2013

ha ha ha at "tosser".. yeah.. don't use that word around any UK folk.
I love to purge and get rid of clutter. The happiest I've been was when I lived overseas and all my possessions could fit into a big backpack and a suitcase.

AnnaPixie

I chuckled when I read Tossers too, having lived in the UK before. It's not a word I would use to describe someone I like. LOL!

Uh-oh... is there some sort of derogatory meaning for tosser in the UK?

It's generally used to call someone a jerk. I'm not sure what I can say here without getting moderated, but it literally means someone who .... pleasures himself... off.

:laugh: :laugh: Yes, indeed. A wa*ker!! Or a jerk! Women use it to call no-good-for-nothing men! Not that there are many Brits round here so I wouln't worry about it :bigsmile:

AnnaPixie

Funnily enough, this subject has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. I'm also a hoarder. And it really annoys me that 'I can't let go' of 'stuff'!!

I do think it has a lot to do with emotions and I'm pretty sure that an 'uncluttered house is an uncluttered mind' Not that my place is cluttered, but my 'behind the scenes' storage is bursting at the seams!!

Every now and again I purge. I had a bit of a go last week and recycled a lot of old computer stuff, boxes, phones!. I also kinda felt stifled by all the shoes under my bed!!!! So I had a mass clear out and am breathing easier again :laugh:

But yeah, it did enter my mind that a lover has no room to walk around my bed and no wonder there hasn't been one for a while!!! A bit Feng Shui, I know, but still..........:blushing:

My aim, when I get a bit more time, is to clear out everything I haven't used in 2 years. Apparently this is a good goal to aim for. You will not use all those pens in a lifetime, so......think about it, rationalise it, and then give it to your local school :flowerforyou:

Rachel_Papworth

I hope you don't mind me contributing to this discussion. I help people all over the world declutter and create homes they love, and your post showed up in a Google search I did on hoarding. I wouldn't usually join a forum simply to post on one topic but so much of what you said resonated with me that I couldn't resist. Your post has been going round in my head for the last hour and I knew I wouldn't stop thinking about it unless I got out there all the things I wanted to say.

We all beat ourselves up so much over clutter. Particularly since the rise of TV programme about hoarding. We feel that clutter is 'wrong' and 'bad' and that we're 'good' and 'virtuous' when we get rid of stuff we no longer want or need. I coach people to give that up. There's nothing inherently 'wrong' with clutter (or 'right' about declutttering). Each of us simply has a certain amount of stuff in certain places , and we have the power to change that. - IF WE WANT. As long as you're beating yourself up though, it's unlikely that you'll change anything. It's hard to make progess from there.

I can hear that you hate to waste things. Me too! Anyone who cares about their environmental impact (or the money they spend) will relate to this. It's HARD to move stuff on when you haven't had full use from it yet. And not wasting stuff is responsible and something to be proud of. One thing that I find helps with this is to find a new home for your stuff where someone will make good use of it. Your local Freecycle group is a great way to do this.

When clients tell me about their stuff, they often focus on the stuff that it's hard to let go, or that they don't know what to do about - to the extent of overlooking that there is plenty they COULD, relatively easily, move on. So you've got more paper and pens than you'll probably ever need, yet you can't bring yourself to part with them. OK. And what ARE you ready to move on? If you focus on that, and move on the stuff you're ready to let go, you'll probably find you don't need to pay for storage even if you keep your pens and paper.

And, in the meantime, someone on your local Freecycle group, or someone you know might have a need for a large quantity of paper or pens and you might find that's the catalyst you needed to be able to let them go. People posting Wanteds on my local group has led to me giving away loads of unused stuff that I'd been holding onto unecessarily. For example, I kept all the cardboard from stuff I bought when I had a new kitchen fitted four years ago. I use cardboard in my compost bin but I had enough in my loft to last the rest of my life, and then some! Still couldn't bring myself to part with it though. Until someone on my Freecycle group, who was running a craft event for kids where they built robot costumes, asked for large pieces of cardboard. I was happy to pass it on to be used elsewhere and now I've got more space in my loft!

Clutter certainly can lead to arguments within relationships. I wrote a blog post about it here: http://mygreenandtidylife.co.uk/2011/08/stop-arguing-about-clutter/ The key to avoiding conflict is communication. It's about reaching agreements on what you'll keep and what you'll let go and on whose space is whose - and respecting each other's point of view. No-one can say what of someone else's stuff is clutter and what is valuable. What looks like a screwed up piece of paper to me might be a precious momento to you.

I've put together a free masterclass on how to declutter and stay decluttered forever, which is available from my website (http://mygreenandtidylife.co.uk) so do pop over there and grab it if it would interest you.

Once again, I hope you don't mind me posting in this forum solely to share my thoughts on clutter. Best of luck with your decluttering.

Oh, and I'm in the UK by the way, so I had a chuckle over 'tossers' too. :-D