Introducing young children to a new bf/gf???

Kerri_is_so_very

So a little background...I am a single mom with sole custody (so this means if I am not working or working out, my kids are with me.....I don't have the luxury of every other weekend "off" so to speak that "traditional" single parents have). I have been single for 3+ years and have just now started dating. My children are 4 & 7 and I have talked to them about "dating" and what it means etc. My kids are VERY eager for me to meet someone and have them take on that fatherly role (we sit at the table and they tell me we really need to fill that spot in the empty chair, or "everyone else has a husband /wife" etc). So they have made it known to me that they want me to date and are excited about having someone in our lives. I have explained that when dating you are just checking eachother out to see if you want to "keep" the person etc. and some times it doesn't work out and then you have to keep dating different people until you find the right fit.

So at what point do you include this other person? Do you just bring them around the house to hang out for a bit, go on outings together? I have a 2nd date this weekend with an older man (his kids are grown), we really like eachother...he has already offered to help me with things around my house (stacking wood, yard clean up etc)....my kids are going to be with their grandmother this weekend, so I have no problems having him over when they aren't around or potentially later on once they are in bed (after we know eachother better).

I don't want to over protect them from this, but I also don't want them to get the idea mom is a serial dater...(not likely since I've had a 3 year dry spell)....but since I've lost some weight I am getting noticed more and the potential to date more often is there.

What "rule of thumb" do you follow???

dbrightwell1270

I don't know about a rule of thumb. I know from my own personal experience that meeting the kids early didn't work out well. The gal in question freaked out because her daughter (age 6) became very attached to me and on the very first night she met me told her mom that I would make a great dad and she just knew her mom and I would get married soon.

The daughter's behavior was a contributing factor to our break up. It freaked her mom out. What I've taken from it personally is that I do not want to meet children until there is a much stronger foundation between me and the woman I am dating. It's been a little more than a month since we broke up and we dated for about a month. The break up affects me more than it should because the little girl was so damn adorable. I'd rather not be put in the position of getting emotionally attached to any kids until I am more sure it isn't going to be a fleeting relationship.

jenbit

Ok for me its a little different because since my friends are mostly male my children are used to seeing guys come over. Also my children are just a little older which makes its easier to explain (6and 9). My duaghter met Mr. NG when he came over to do the lawn. They still dont know we are dating but they do know who he is. I think you should try to make the encounter very casual. If you dont put to much importance in it they may just think he is a friend. If your asking when to do it wait til your BF/GF or in whatever term for a commited relationship you use.

kristen6022

I do have a story about dating a guy with kids (about 4 years ago). 8 year old twin boys. Cutest things ever. Dad had fully custody because their mom ran out on them soon after having them and didn't come back into their lifes until they were 4-5.

The guy I was dating insisted that I meet them 2 months into us dating seriously. A couple weeks after meet them their Dad showed his real colors and even though I wasn't wanting to be with him any more I hated leaving those sweet boys. It took me twice as long as it should have to end it because I felt I couldn't leave the twins.

Since then I've avoided dating men with kids, but if I did meet one I'd push to wait until much later to meet them.

christine24t

Because your kids are so eager, I think you should wait a while to introduce... once you two figure out you want to date for awhile.

TheKitsune6

I don't personally have children, but this is something that I observed.

One of my friends had a kid and dad was no longer in the picture. In the 8 month span she lived with me, she had four boyfriends that she was "serious" with and introduced her son to and then had the guy over all the time. Four boyfriends that her son got attached to and would cry when mommy told him that "dada" (she even had him call them dad after a "while") wasn't coming over anymore because they broke up.

This poor two year old had a steady stream of people entering and leaving his life until next year when she finally met the guy she's actually married to (because he got her pregnant, of course) and now at five years old there seems to be a little more stability.

The whole situation broke my heart.

On the other hand, when I was a kid, my sister and I had a friend. Her mom was super cool, and her mom had a best friend Phil who was also awesome. It wasn't until we were in our late teens that the mom announced she and Phil were dating, and they were thinking about marriage.

at no point was there any indication that they were more than friends. They never kissed, held hands or hugged in front of us until years later when the mom was certain Phil wasn't going anywhere and that her daughter was in an okay position to accept it if things did go awry.

We all thought that was pretty cool.

So... I know even though it's hard, it seems like a good idea to have people over as "friends". No need to get your kids hopes up about finally having a daddy. Kids often get excited about having that second parents because it means stability and normalcy, like what their other friends have.

However you choose to approach it, I'm sure your kids will be fine, but do tread carefully about getting too serious too fast.

Good luck!

Roadie2000

I don't think kids really understand the concept of dating. All they know of is marriage, possibly divorce, and mom and dad. They just assume anyone mom dates will be their new dad.

You don't need to tell your kids any more than they need to know until you begin to get serious with someone. Just take things slowly.

farmers_daughter

Haven't had good experiences but I would say wait as long as you can...


My youngest daughter got attached to the last guy (we went 2.5 years before they got to see him) and her little heart broke in to many pieces when he decided he didn't wanna be with me anymore....to this day on her own free will says "We don't talk about him" not once did I ever tell her that, hint to it or what not. That kills me and makes me wanna rip his eyes out. and shove them somewhere.

My kids were immediately attached to him and they are 5 and 6. Use much caution.

Then again my 6 year old tells me that I need to find a boyfriend cause daddy already has a wife, I'm losing the race. :sad: Ugh.... she's gonna get me yet.

mauryr

Yeah, this is tough stuff.

Keep your love life away from your kids, for myriad reasons, some of which have been discussed here. However, when it's the dad with sole custody, the dynamic might be different.

One factor that's not been mentioned: Jealousy.

After my divorce, I had sole custody of my daughter, and she was very protective of me. She had seen other girls, who's fathers had sole custody (or even shared custody) get "cut out" by a new woman in dad's life.

My daughter just turned 17, and my divorce was a little over 2 years ago, when she was still 14. When I first started dating, I kept it completely away from her, but she found out anyway (the giveaway was that she saw me do something that I had never done before - iron a shirt. ) She was frightened, and also angry with me. She felt betrayed, like I was "cheating" on her. I have always been very, very, VERY close with my daughter, but still, she seemed to have some combination of abandonment and jealousy issues, which were brought to the fore when the issue of my dating came up. I was completely surprised by this. I had always tried very hard to let her know how much I loved and wanted her... we always spent lots of time together, talking about really deep stuff...

A similar thing happened when she spent a few months with her mom recently. Mom had a new boyfriend, whom she lived with. Daughter felt like Mom considered her a second class citizen in the house.

Finally now, she realizes that no one will ever get between us, but she also realizes that I am a single man, who desires female companionship. It was a long and delicate process to get here, and there are still occasional bumps.

julesboots

My experiences with this tell me to keep my daughter as uninvolved as possible until it's unavoidable that she be introduced.

I could give examples and explanations, but long story short: it was very hard to console my daughter through the loss of the fantasy life she wanted with my last boyfriend and his daughter while I was mourning the relationship.

I don't see any reason to make her invest her feelings before it's impossible to avoid.

I have sole custody, and know how hard it can be to find time to date, but this is an absolute priority for me.

DMZ_1

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

Kerri_is_so_very

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your input. These are all pretty much my thoughts. I just wanted to be sure I wasn't being too over protective. Kids are smarter than we think and I want to be honest with my kids, but I don't want to risk hurt feelings etc as noted above.

TheKitsune6

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

While it's true that older children can be affected by this as well, once the kid is 18 and out of the house it's not really their concern anymore. I understand jealousy in teenagers or younger children feeling like they are being replaced, but why would an adult be anything but stoked that their now unhindered parent is finding happiness with another human being? Unless the person is a complete jerkwad - was the man your mom married someone worth being upset over?

DMZ_1

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

While it's true that older children can be affected by this as well, once the kid is 18 and out of the house it's not really their concern anymore. I understand jealousy in teenagers or younger children feeling like they are being replaced, but why would an adult be anything but stoked that their now unhindered parent is finding happiness with another human being? Unless the person is a complete jerkwad - was the man your mom married someone worth being upset over?

I was not upset. The man was not a jerkwad, and I would say that he and I got along. I did not think it was an ideal situation. Also, at the time, I was not living in close proximity to my mom (which is also the case today). So the impact on my day to day life was negligible.

However, this man's kids were all so much older than I was. Some of them had families of their own. They weren't stoked at all.

I was far more accepting and my behavior was better than the kids of the man my mom married.

TheKitsune6

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

While it's true that older children can be affected by this as well, once the kid is 18 and out of the house it's not really their concern anymore. I understand jealousy in teenagers or younger children feeling like they are being replaced, but why would an adult be anything but stoked that their now unhindered parent is finding happiness with another human being? Unless the person is a complete jerkwad - was the man your mom married someone worth being upset over?

I was not upset. The man was not a jerkwad, and I would say that he and I got along. I did not think it was an ideal situation. Also, at the time, I was not living in close proximity to my mom (which is also the case today). So the impact on my day to day life was negligible.

However, this man's kids were all so much older than I was. Some of them had families of their own. They weren't stoked at all.

I was far more accepting and my behavior was better than the kids of the man my mom married.

Maybe I'm not following, were you less than enthralled because of the kids of the man and how they treated your mom?

RosscoBoscko

Its a difficult one to balance, with my ex the kids knew quite early on about me but we kept the contact relatively low initially. I did meet the oldest daughter (then 14) and my ex's sister (confusingly also 14!) when I picked my ex up for our first official date. as time progressed I spent a lot more time in the company of the oldest and youngest (then 8) as they live with their mum and the oldest has little to no contact with their dad so is with her mum a lot on weekends. the middle daughter (a rebellious 12 year old) and I had very little contact, she occasionally turned up drunk when supposed to be at her dad's so that her mum would have to go home to look after her (which I accepted without question obviously), but she rarely spent any time in my presence.

having been together 7 months, and being very serious about each other and already talking long term, with my ex and her oldest daughter spending christmas day with my family, 3 days later it ended. she had been having more trouble with the middle daughter during december and talking to her recently she said her feelings changed and she doesnt know why, but at the time she told me her kids (don't know if one or all) had told her they didnt think she loved them anymore, and for her this broke something inside. I had always tried to give the kids and her space and never spent the night at her house, though she would spend 1-2 nights a weekend with me, but I didnt want the girls to feel i wash encroaching on their territory but in hindsight maybe I should have done more to try to integrate myself with them but it is difficult to balance.

We still see each other every weekend and sometimes during the week as we are both heavily involved within the same sports team, and thankfully we are slowly developing a strong friendship. As a result I still see a lot of the oldest and youngest daughters when they are with her. I get on great with both, but almost never see the middle child.

now I dont know for certain if the feelings of the kids were the reason we ended, but if she did choose them over me then I completely understand this as at the end of the day their feelings always have to come first. I guess what I am trying to say is that every situation is different, you have to judge it for yourself but I wouldnt introduce the kids until you are sure it is serious and even then it can have complications. one of my close friends says she would never introduce someone new to her son for at least a year so people all deal with things differently.

dbrightwell1270

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

While it's true that older children can be affected by this as well, once the kid is 18 and out of the house it's not really their concern anymore. I understand jealousy in teenagers or younger children feeling like they are being replaced, but why would an adult be anything but stoked that their now unhindered parent is finding happiness with another human being? Unless the person is a complete jerkwad - was the man your mom married someone worth being upset over?

I agree with this in principle but am not so sure it holds up in practice. My dad remarried when I was 25 and my brother was 22. He's still married to the same woman. We were both supportive and happy for him when they married. However, both of us have real issues now.

My issue was that we were both virtually abandoned. In the time between my parent's divorce and my dad's 2nd mariage, he came to see me 4 times in an 18 months, period. I lived about 800 miles away from home at the time. (He was seperated/divorced for 2.5 years but I lived 3 blocks away for about a year). He also called about once a week to stay in contact. They've been married for 16 years and he's never come to visit me in that time. In 7 of those years, I've lived within 80 miles of him. On one of my visits to his place, he told me about how they drove through my town the week before on their way to visit her son. He also had an 8- month period where he didn't call me once. I was pissed because it included my birthday and Christmas. When he missed my b-day I didn't call him out of principle. I finally called on his b-day and he said he was sorry but he lost my number. He and his wife both have cell phones and I can guarantee that her son's number is programmed into both of their phones.

My brother has worse issues that I won't discuss. I'll just say they are extreme enough that it took a lot of effort on my mom's part to get my brother to invite him to his wedding. My brother also has an 18-month old son who has seen his grandpa one time and isn't likely to see him again anytime soon.

TheKitsune6

It is not just young children who have issues at this point.

My parents divorced when I was in high school. When I was in college, my mom started dating again and ended up re-marrying. I was not entirely enthralled with the situation. The kids of the man my mom married were even less enthused about the situation. Those "kids" were all many years older than me. Some of them were downright hostile to my mom.

Whether a child is 5, 15 or 35 with a family of their own, it's really not going to matter all that IMO and going to be a difficult experience.

While it's true that older children can be affected by this as well, once the kid is 18 and out of the house it's not really their concern anymore. I understand jealousy in teenagers or younger children feeling like they are being replaced, but why would an adult be anything but stoked that their now unhindered parent is finding happiness with another human being? Unless the person is a complete jerkwad - was the man your mom married someone worth being upset over?

I agree with this in principle but am not so sure it holds up in practice. My dad remarried when I was 25 and my brother was 22. He's still married to the same woman. We were both supportive and happy for him when they married. However, both of us have real issues now.

My issue was that we were both virtually abandoned. In the time between my parent's divorce and my dad's 2nd mariage, he came to see me 4 times in an 18 months, period. I lived about 800 miles away from home at the time. (He was seperated/divorced for 2.5 years but I lived 3 blocks away for about a year). He also called about once a week to stay in contact. They've been married for 16 years and he's never come to visit me in that time. In 7 of those years, I've lived within 80 miles of him. On one of my visits to his place, he told me about how they drove through my town the week before on their way to visit her son. He also had an 8- month period where he didn't call me once. I was pissed because it included my birthday and Christmas. When he missed my b-day I didn't call him out of principle. I finally called on his b-day and he said he was sorry but he lost my number. He and his wife both have cell phones and I can guarantee that her son's number is programmed into both of their phones.

My brother has worse issues that I won't discuss. I'll just say they are extreme enough that it took a lot of effort on my mom's part to get my brother to invite him to his wedding. My brother also has an 18-month old son who has seen his grandpa one time and isn't likely to see him again anytime soon.

I can imagine that would be frustrating if you are used to a certain relationship with your father. However it sounds like over the 16 years you were expecting that same relationship to maintain despite him having filled his life with a new lady. Maybe the way to repair that is if you were to call and visit instead of just the other way around? What happens with someone goes from single to not single is suddenly there's someone that's a huge part of their life that they have to accommodate. Something has got to give and while it's got to hurt that you and your brother seem to have fallen by the wayside, maybe instead of not calling your dad for 8 months out of anger, you just call him and chat? If the phone conversation remains pleasant and non confrontational those phone calls could be something he looks forward to and may in time reciprocate?

This is all coming from someone with very limited information so I could be way off base. This is all purely speculative.

PS: I did also make a stipulation for if the new parent is a jerkwad. A jerkwad is someone who intentionally tries to separate one parent from their children (young or adult) out of jealousy.

dbrightwell1270

This is all coming from someone with very limited information so I could be way off base. This is all purely speculative.

PS: I did also make a stipulation for if the new parent is a jerkwad. A jerkwad is someone who intentionally tries to separate one parent from their children (young or adult) out of jealousy.

You are pretty much off base. It didn't take 16 years to go by the wayside. It took about 3 three weeks. I still call my dad and go visit. The frequency has dropped over time. Some is because life gets busy and some because it isn't pleasant to visit. The not calling him happened about five years ago. A few weeks before he didn't call on my b-day, I was home for Thanksgiving. His wife was in a particularly *****y mood and was belittling him even more than normal. I told her off and told him he really needed to grow a pair. Her family pretty much agreed with me. Nonetheless, it caused enough of a problem, that I stayed with a friend Thanksgiving night and drove back to Texas the next morning rather than staying in town the rest of the weekend. When I didn't hear from on my birthday, my thought was that I'd been dealing with that kind of crap for over 10 years and he made his choice.

TheKitsune6

This is all coming from someone with very limited information so I could be way off base. This is all purely speculative.

PS: I did also make a stipulation for if the new parent is a jerkwad. A jerkwad is someone who intentionally tries to separate one parent from their children (young or adult) out of jealousy.

You are pretty much off base. It didn't take 16 years to go by the wayside. It took about 3 three weeks. I still call my dad and go visit. The frequency has dropped over time. Some is because life gets busy and some because it isn't pleasant to visit. The not calling him happened about five years ago. A few weeks before he didn't call on my b-day, I was home for Thanksgiving. His wife was in a particularly *****y mood and was belittling him even more than normal. I told her off and told him he really needed to grow a pair. Her family pretty much agreed with me. Nonetheless, it caused enough of a problem, that I stayed with a friend Thanksgiving night and drove back to Texas the next morning rather than staying in town the rest of the weekend. When I didn't hear from on my birthday, my thought was that I'd been dealing with that kind of crap for over 10 years and he made his choice.

That sounds awful, I'm so sorry I would be crushed if my father cut me out of his life for a new lady. I hope someday things change for the better.

BringingSherriBack

Good question. I am just starting to date and know for sure that I will not introduce a man to my daughter (she's 8) until things are serious. I know she will get attached too quickly and if things don't work out she will be heart broken. I know this because have several male friends that I text quite frequently and one day I was texting back and forth with one of them and she actually says "Who's XXXX? Why are you texting him? What's wrong with YYYYYYY?" I laughed and said nothing is wrong with YYYYYYY but I have more than one friend. She doesn't even know these people and she's already attached in some weird way.

grimlaur

Never.
Why?

Kerri_is_so_very

Good question. I am just starting to date and know for sure that I will not introduce a man to my daughter (she's 8) until things are serious. I know she will get attached too quickly and if things don't work out she will be heart broken. I know this because have several male friends that I text quite frequently and one day I was texting back and forth with one of them and she actually says "Who's XXXX? Why are you texting him? What's wrong with YYYYYYY?" I laughed and said nothing is wrong with YYYYYYY but I have more than one friend. She doesn't even know these people and she's already attached in some weird way.

My fear of them attaching themselves and then being disappointed/heartbroken if it doesn't work out. I'm just not sure what is considered "serious". I have not dated since I've had kids....so this is a first for me. Of course their dad met someone 6 weeks after we broke up and was living with her within 6 months of meeting her. I have no plans to have a "live-in" any time soon. The new guy I am seeing and highly enjoying lives about 15 minutes away, has his own house and his kids are in their mid-twenties. So I don't have to worry about integrating his kids in to the picture. He has offered to help me with some of my many chores and I guess I'm wondering if I could get away with just saying "this is my friend and he has offered to help us out" (a male friend from work delivered 4 cords of wood to me and helped me stack it) and the girls enjoyed him....but he helped with the wood and that's it.....he wasn't hanging around otherwise. So it's not like men don't come around our place at all, it is just they are usually associated with us in other ways (fathers of their friends, a neighbor, co-workers, etc).

It is still very early on, but at some point (maybe not even necessarily with this current guy) I am going to want to see how everyone gets along and I am just really not even sure how to go about it.