New Age Online Dating Rules?
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SweetBasil35
Posts: 126 Member
I recently created an online dating profile and the further I get into this process, the more I realize I don’t really know what I’m doing! The last time I did the online thing was 10+ years ago and we didn’t have texting and cell phones weren’t even a big deal at the time. (Before I make myself sound too ancient, I'm 35.)
I have plans to meet two guys this week (after talking via okcupid email for a week) and they’ve both offered their phone numbers to me saying that if I’d like to talk or text to give them a call. I’m nervous about giving my phone number out before I’ve met someone. I have no idea if they are who they say they are; nor do I really even know if there’s going to be any physical chemistry. Besides that, I can’t juggle more than one or two guys at a time and I’m really early into this process and it’s like men are crawling out of the woodwork!
I realize that there is still some anonymity with cell phones, but I’m trying to not get tangled up with guys that I’m not going to be interested in once we meet. Am I being a prude? How do you all handle this…
And if you have any other tips to give that would be helpful… please feel free! Thank you!
I have plans to meet two guys this week (after talking via okcupid email for a week) and they’ve both offered their phone numbers to me saying that if I’d like to talk or text to give them a call. I’m nervous about giving my phone number out before I’ve met someone. I have no idea if they are who they say they are; nor do I really even know if there’s going to be any physical chemistry. Besides that, I can’t juggle more than one or two guys at a time and I’m really early into this process and it’s like men are crawling out of the woodwork!
I realize that there is still some anonymity with cell phones, but I’m trying to not get tangled up with guys that I’m not going to be interested in once we meet. Am I being a prude? How do you all handle this…
And if you have any other tips to give that would be helpful… please feel free! Thank you!
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Replies
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Well .. I have never been on an online dating site .. but I would think giving your cell phone number couldn't be much different than giving out a home phone number like back in the day .. right?
What about an email address. Create one for just thing purpose and use that instead of a cell phone.0 -
I don't blame you at all. If you are more comfortable just talking via e-mail until you meet them, then just do that. It's no big deal. There is no rule that you have to text or call them before meeting. although some people like to do so. As long as you can set everything up via e-mail you are fine.0
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I've got about 1000 tips, but two things first:
- Don't do what you don't want to do and pace yourself if you want to (i.e. it's OK to date slowly if you want to).
- Giving your phone number is like giving your first name these days... So I'd get used to it. All 10 years old kids have an iPhone nowadays and so the future generation is "communication oriented", and we (oldies) are catching up.0 -
I've got about 1000 tips, but two things first:
- Don't do what you don't want to do and pace yourself if you want to (i.e. it's OK to date slowly if you want to).
- Giving your phone number is like giving your first name these days... So I'd get used to it. All 10 years old kids have an iPhone nowadays and so the future generation is "communication oriented", and we (oldies) are catching up.
^^ Totally what Flim said!
Plus, I'd also like to add to the take it at your own pace statement and note that there are lots of guys looking for newbies on dating sites. Not saying they're all bad to go for, but perhaps it might be worth waiting some of the more aggressive ones out and then you'll find more normal guys in a few weeks.
And I agree that the texting thing adds a whole new dimension to dating that I didn't realize until this year. It makes some guys seem more aloof and some seem extra clingy... but you'll figure that out in time.
Good luck! :flowerforyou:0 -
I've got about 1000 tips, but two things first:
- Don't do what you don't want to do and pace yourself if you want to (i.e. it's OK to date slowly if you want to).
- Giving your phone number is like giving your first name these days... So I'd get used to it. All 10 years old kids have an iPhone nowadays and so the future generation is "communication oriented", and we (oldies) are catching up.
Okay, but what do you do when someone has your # that you no longer want to communicate with? Block them? Or does it rarely happen that the other person can't take a hint?
You said you have 1,000 - gimme your top 10 please! :flowerforyou:0 -
I've got about 1000 tips, but two things first:
- Don't do what you don't want to do and pace yourself if you want to (i.e. it's OK to date slowly if you want to).
- Giving your phone number is like giving your first name these days... So I'd get used to it. All 10 years old kids have an iPhone nowadays and so the future generation is "communication oriented", and we (oldies) are catching up.
Okay, but what do you do when someone has your # that you no longer want to communicate with? Block them? Or does it rarely happen that the other person can't take a hint?
You said you have 1,000 - gimme your top 10 please! :flowerforyou:
Don't give hints. Respect them enough to be direct. Say thanks but I don't think there was enough of a connection. I wish you the best.0 -
What's the worst that can happen?
He texts too much - you ignore
He phones too much - you screen and ignore
He stalks you - you ignore until he gets fed up, or you call the police
What's the best that can happen?
You get to know someone a bit better before you decide to meet. I always speak on the phone first. Conversation (to me) is very important. If we cant converse on the phone, we can't converse f2f.
So, never give out your address, your work address, your local bar details etc. You dont want this guy to 'find' you if you dont like him. He can't find you through your mobile/cell :flowerforyou:
And if you dont feel comfortable with a guy, just break contact and dont meet him!!0 -
I always speak on the phone first. Conversation (to me) is very important. If we cant converse on the phone, we can't converse f2f.
I know a lot of people feel this way, but I absolutely hate talking to people on the phone when I don't know them. And in this context it just feels sooooo forced. I think I come across much better in email or simply in person to potential dates. Anna, Does this mean we wouldn't be compatible? :brokenheart:0 -
Don't give hints. Respect them enough to be direct. Say thanks but I don't think there was enough of a connection. I wish you the best.
Oh, I promise - I am direct... even in email communication. To the point of responding to every person who writes; they took the time to express interest, I feel I should respect their effort by thanking them for the note, letting them know I'm not interested and wishing them the best.
I don't leave things grey, but some people still don't respect that.0 -
I always speak on the phone first. Conversation (to me) is very important. If we cant converse on the phone, we can't converse f2f.
I know a lot of people feel this way, but I absolutely hate talking to people on the phone when I don't know them. And in this context it just feels sooooo forced. I think I come across much better in email or simply in person to potential dates. Anna, Does this mean we wouldn't be compatible? :brokenheart:
I'm with you, Pa... besides it being awkward, I really don't want to invest that much in someone before I know: 1) What they represented about themselves is TRUE, and 2) Whether we even have chemistry. Am I wrong?
EDITED TO ADD: Thank you for the input Anna - I really am interested in ALL perspectives, and I appreciate you sharing yours!0 -
Lots of good content in here so far. I’ll respond to a few quotes here.And I agree that the texting thing adds a whole new dimension to dating that I didn't realize until this year. It makes some guys seem more aloof and some seem extra clingy... but you'll figure that out in time.
Texting is probably still too new of a medium to have real good hard and fast rules about dating. Other forms of communication are well governed by rules. Face to face interactions, telephone calls and emails are all have hard and fast rules to them. Email is only about 10-15 years or so older than text messaging. Texting can short circuit some relationship development issues, which are real key in romantic relationships.Okay, but what do you do when someone has your # that you no longer want to communicate with? Block them? Or does it rarely happen that the other person can't take a hint?
Check with your cell phone provider to see what they can do about blocking. I’ve rarely had to block a woman from texting me. Most of the time, I can figure out what a woman wants over text. If more than 2 texts go unresponded to in a 24 hour period, it is pretty clear indicator of non interest.Don't give hints. Respect them enough to be direct. Say thanks but I don't think there was enough of a connection. I wish you the best.
This is a great line to get rid of someone with little hassle.Conversation (to me) is very important. If we cant converse on the phone, we can't converse f2f.
So, never give out your address, your work address, your local bar details etc. You dont want this guy to 'find' you if you dont like him.
I like the idea of talking on the phone first. However, it is not foolproof. I’ve had good phone conversations with someone and the chemistry falls flat in person. But I usually won’t go out with someone without a good phone conversation. This is one of the major factors in why meeting through in person day to day activities is preferable.I'm with you, Pa... besides it being awkward, I really don't want to invest that much in someone before I know: 1) What they represented about themselves is TRUE, and 2) Whether we even have chemistry. Am I wrong?
There are ways to verify details about a potential online date via Google, which can give you a snapshot of the digital profile of your potential date, and sometimes Google can verify things your date has said. A few keystrokes around Google can give you some good insight. Most insight that you’ll get is pretty boring, but sometimes this is relevant. All of this depends on the size of the digital footprint of your date.
There’s a real art to doing this, and one of the key things in this is not to bring up things you found out on Google prior to your date.
Keep in mind that people misrepresent themselves when the first time you ever interact with them online is in person, so just because you are dating online, that doesn’t make misrepresentation more likely IMO.0 -
I always speak on the phone first. Conversation (to me) is very important. If we cant converse on the phone, we can't converse f2f.
I know a lot of people feel this way, but I absolutely hate talking to people on the phone when I don't know them. And in this context it just feels sooooo forced. I think I come across much better in email or simply in person to potential dates. Anna, Does this mean we wouldn't be compatible? :brokenheart:
I know that some people hate the phone, but I have always been phone friendly so I dont struggle to make conversation. What's important is how the other person responds. Even someone's voice can turn me on or off!
I think I just find phone calls more spontaneous so I get more of a feel about someone. With email and text you get to think too much, so that, to me, in far more contrived.
I love you PJ, no matter what
However, it is not foolproof. I’ve had good phone conversations with someone and the chemistry falls flat in person.
Agreed, not fool proof, but a good start........ I've met guys that are good on the phone but total freaks in person :laugh: Conversely, if the physical chemistry is good but he can't communicate, I'm not going to feel attraction.......I just like chatty men, basically :smooched:0 -
I'm in the same boat. I'm very intimidated by the online dating. I have been trying out are you interested? on facebook, but it feels very strange. I just have to throw myself into it.
Now, sometimes things may show up in one's digital footprint that may look worse than they are....some things need a little explanin.0 -
Top 10:
- Initiate contact with men you like sometimes,
- Be safe for the first few dates,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
- Similarly to the previous point, don't add people on FB before the date (it just makes things awkward and you break the magic),
- Ask for a recent picture,
- Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
- If you are not interested in someone, don't send mixed signals (e.g. don't kiss with the tongue) and just send a text the next day "look it was good thanks but I felt no chemistry" (don't drag the guy along),
- Don't be too explanatory/apologetic about your life on your profile, it's better to discuss things in person,
- On the other hand, if something is a deal breaker for you or others and you feel like you're lying about it by not telling it (e.g. "I've got three kids") put it on your profile and save yourself the trouble later down the line.
Etc.0 -
Top 10:
- Initiate contact with men you like sometimes,
- Be safe for the first few dates,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
- Similarly to the previous point, don't add people on FB before the date (it just makes things awkward and you break the magic),
- Ask for a recent picture,
- Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
- If you are not interested in someone, don't send mixed signals (e.g. don't kiss with the tongue) and just send a text the next day "look it was good thanks but I felt no chemistry" (don't drag the guy along),
- Don't be too explanatory/apologetic about your life on your profile, it's better to discuss things in person,
- On the other hand, if something is a deal breaker for you or others and you feel like you're lying about it by not telling it (e.g. "I've got three kids") put it on your profile and save yourself the trouble later down the line.
Etc.
My fav: Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
Thank you Flim!!! :flowerforyou:0 -
- Be safe for the first few dates,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
- Similarly to the previous point, don't add people on FB before the date (it just makes things awkward and you break the magic),
- Ask for a recent picture,
- If you are not interested in someone, don't send mixed signals (e.g. don't kiss with the tongue) and just send a text the next day "look it was good thanks but I felt no chemistry" (don't drag the guy along),
- Don't be too explanatory/apologetic about your life on your profile, it's better to discuss things in person,
- On the other hand, if something is a deal breaker for you or others and you feel like you're lying about it by not telling it (e.g. "I've got three kids") put it on your profile and save yourself the trouble later down the line.
Etc.
I agree with all of these rules!0 -
Top 10:
- Initiate contact with men you like sometimes,
- Be safe for the first few dates,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
- Similarly to the previous point, don't add people on FB before the date (it just makes things awkward and you break the magic),
- Ask for a recent picture,
- Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
- If you are not interested in someone, don't send mixed signals (e.g. don't kiss with the tongue) and just send a text the next day "look it was good thanks but I felt no chemistry" (don't drag the guy along),
- Don't be too explanatory/apologetic about your life on your profile, it's better to discuss things in person,
- On the other hand, if something is a deal breaker for you or others and you feel like you're lying about it by not telling it (e.g. "I've got three kids") put it on your profile and save yourself the trouble later down the line.
Etc.
My fav: Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
Thank you Flim!!! :flowerforyou:
Oh my is that one definitely true! I have an inbox and phone full of naughty pics that I never requested. Who knew?0 -
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
All good tips, but these two are key! Don't spend too much time having an electronic relationship -- it's too easy to build up a fantasy in your head, that completely falls flat when you meet the person in real life. And then you realize you've wasted a month electronically talking to a person you aren't even interested in dating. (Oh yes, been there, done that!) Move it to real life as quickly as possible!0 -
- Initiate contact with men you like sometimes,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
Excellent list; the above two were the most important when I experimented with online dating.
As far as sharing phone numbers, I wasn't interested in texting or talking on the phone pre-date, but I always asked for their # and offered mine in case anything came up at the last minute.
It ended up being nice because almost every date sent me a text a few hours before the date to confirm, or immediately before the date to tell me that he had arrived at the restaurant.0 -
Top 10:
- Initiate contact with men you like sometimes,
- Be safe for the first few dates,
- Meet early in the process (within 2 weeks),
- Read the profile/pics, swap 2-3 messages, text a bit, do not talk too much on the phone before the date (keep communication to a minimum once you've established mutual interest => only thing that can happen is screwing up),
- Similarly to the previous point, don't add people on FB before the date (it just makes things awkward and you break the magic),
- Ask for a recent picture,
- Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
- If you are not interested in someone, don't send mixed signals (e.g. don't kiss with the tongue) and just send a text the next day "look it was good thanks but I felt no chemistry" (don't drag the guy along),
- Don't be too explanatory/apologetic about your life on your profile, it's better to discuss things in person,
- On the other hand, if something is a deal breaker for you or others and you feel like you're lying about it by not telling it (e.g. "I've got three kids") put it on your profile and save yourself the trouble later down the line.
Etc.
My fav: Always take a contraceptive pill before opening a message from a guy with pictures attached,
Thank you Flim!!! :flowerforyou:
Oh my is that one definitely true! I have an inbox and phone full of naughty pics that I never requested. Who knew?
I will never live long enough to wrap my mind around what a guy can be thinking to send such a thing unsolicited or even hinted at doing.:noway:0
